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Chapter 25
There was no reply.
I hovered awkwardly outside his door, before knocking louder, hoping that maybe he hadn’t heard. My short breaths punctuated the silence as I waited.
Still no response.
I sighed softly, my eyebrows scrunching together. My heart throbbed slightly as I realised he was ignoring me. Of course, there was always the chance he wasn’t there, but my intuition told me he was. Desperate to be certain, I pressed my ear against the door, holding my breath and listening hard. After a couple of heartbeats, I heard the unmistakeable creak of a chair, and the sound of slow breathing. He was there. Ignoring me. We were only a couple of feet away, and yet I’d never felt so apart.
Letting out a low whimper, I stepped back from the door. “Jared, please,” I whispered, knowing he could hear me. “We really need to talk.”
I gazed earnestly at the door, biting my lip with anxiety. ‘Open up!’ I bombarded the door with my thoughts.
It stayed resolutely shut.
Leaning my forehead against the door, I let out a groan. “Let me in, please! You think you understand but you don’t! Can’t you at least give me a chance to explain?”
I counted ten slow seconds in my head, my hope fading with each one, and then thumped the door with frustration. Tears filled my eyes and I quickly blinked them away.
“Please,” I croaked, my lip trembling. I shifted the weight on my crutches, my arms beginning to ache. Deep down, I began to realise that no matter how hard I begged, he wasn’t going to open the door and I couldn’t linger here in the hallway any longer. It was past ten o’clock, and if anyone saw me, I could be in serious trouble. He was giving me no choice but to leave.
His parting words echoed in my head and anger clouded my brain. ‘How could he do this to me? I trusted him!’ I’d built him up so much in my head, moulding him into the perfect fantasy man. Reality was cold and unwelcome and I hated him for shattered my illusion.
My limbs trembled as I stepped closer to the door. “I might not be the girl you thought I was, but you’re definitely not the man I thought I knew!” I hissed, the words slipping out bitterly. “I guess we were both wrong.”
And with one parting glance, I turned away and hobbled back to my room, my heart crumbling away. For one wild moment, I imagined my fantasy, where the door would burst open and he’d come running out. But nothing happened. And now nothing would.
Letting myself into my room, I threw aside my crutches and collapsed onto the bed, sobs heaving through my body.
It was truly over.
For good.
*******
You look as miserable as the dead.”
Startled, I looked up over my soggy cornflakes. Alex had sat down unnoticed in the seat opposite and was staring at me, his expression serious. The smell of bacon and eggs from his plate made me feel slightly nauseous.
“Yeah, I know.” I replied. It was breakfast time and I was tired and cranky, having cried practically half the night. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’d eaten nothing the day before, I wouldn’t have bothered coming down. Yet even though I was incredibly hungry, I was having a hard time stomaching my food.
“Boy trouble?” he asked softly.
I blew out my breath in a rush. “Yeah, you could say that. He wouldn’t even speak to me.” The pain was apparent in my voice, and Alex frowned.
”He sounds like a jerk.”
”He’s not,” I said automatically, before shovelling some mushy cereal into my mouth and chewing.
‘Why are you defending him?’ My subconscious snarled at me. ‘It’s true.’
I blocked out my mental voice, swallowed and concentrated on answering Alex. “He’s really not a jerk, I just hurt him badly. I screwed up big time. It’s not his fault.”
Somehow I felt like I was trying to convince myself more than Alex.
”Maybe if you leave it for a bit, he’ll come around…?” Alex ventured, shrugging his shoulders helplessly.
”I doubt it.” I muttered sourly, scowling into my cereal.
“I’m sorry, Phoebe.” Alex said, sounding sincere. “I wish I could make you feel better.”
I half-smiled, my heart warming as I gazed into his eyes. “You already have, Alex,” I assured him. “Just by being you.”
Alex chuckled, his blue eyes lingering on mine. “You’re too cute, Bee.” He flinched suddenly, looking away. “I mean Phoebe! God, I’m sorry! It just slipped out!”
“It’s okay!” I interrupted his babbling. “Chill out. Breathe.”
Alex made a face, running his hand through his messy blonde hair. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m just an idiot.”
“No, you’re no-“ I tried to say, but the class bell cut across me. Alex’s eyes widened.
“I’m an idiot who’s late for class!” he cried, stuffing his mouth until it overflowed with food. Disgusted, I wrinkled my nose. His table manners needed a definite improvement.
“That’s so gross,” I told him, a little primly.
”Is alwite for ‘oo,” he mumbled, giving me a perfect view of half-chewed scrambled eggs, and I almost dry-heaved. “You don’ ‘ave lessons.”
“I’m suspended, there’s a difference.” I rolled my eyes, pushing my bowl away from me. “And you single-handedly managed to put me off my breakfast. Thanks.”
He grinned widely, his mouth thankfully now empty. “My pleasure,” he winked and I scowled back. Standing up, he grabbed his bag off the table and threw it over his shoulder.
”I gotta run,” he said. “I’ll try and think of something to help with the boy situation, okay? See ya later.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
Sighing to myself, I watched him sprint out of the canteen, practically knocking over a staff member on her way in. She turned around to discipline him, but he’d already disappeared. Fighting back a smile, I gingerly swung my legs around the chair and reached for my crutches.
“Hello. You’re Miss Miller, aren’t you? I’ve been looking for you.”
I looked up to see the staff member Alex had practically ran over gazing at me expectantly, a warm smile lighting up her face.
”Um, yeah, I am.” I replied, frowning in puzzlement. ‘And you are…?’
“My name’s Dr Woodhouse,” she said, answering my unspoken question. “But I prefer to be called Lynn. I don’t believe in formalities.”
“Right,” I muttered awkwardly, “but why are you…” I trailed off, not wanting to sound rude.
“Why am I looking for you?” She finished my question for me, arching one of her eyebrows. “I’m the school councillor.”
I flushed as everything clicked into place. The school councillor…. My appointment…. The one I’d skipped.
“I’m sorry, it completely slipped my mind,” I rushed to say, grimacing slightly with the white lie. To my surprise, Lynn simply chuckled, her clear blue eyes sparkling.
“That’s quite alright. However, I’d like to talk to you as soon as possible. I’m free at 11 today, so could you please pop in then?”
I nodded reluctantly. “Where’s your office?”
“Just opposite the nurse’s room,” she said. “My name’s on the door so you can’t miss it. I’ll see you then.”
Smiling at me once more, she turned around and walked briskly from the canteen. I followed her with my eyes, a glum expression on my face. She’d seemed nice enough, but my stomach churned at the thought of talking about my family to someone who I didn’t even know.
‘On the other hand, you told Jared,’ a voice whispered in my head. ‘And it’s clear now that you didn’t really know him.’
Sighing under my breath, I tried to push all thoughts of Jared and my family out of my mind. Happy thoughts… I needed to think about happy thoughts. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel so low all the time. I longed so much to feel truly happy again, and then always felt guilty afterwards. Why should I have a happy life, when my parents and little brother had lost their lives forever? Why was life so unfair?
I left the canteen and hobbled back to my room, struggling with my crutches on the stairs. I decided to go to the nurse straight before my appointment with Lynn. My ankle was already starting to throb again and it needed to be iced, though it wasn’t nearly as painful as yesterday. I’d checked under the bandages this morning and it had bruised, but the swelling had definitely started to go down.
I curled up on my bed, resting my ankle and playing classical on my iPod as I tried to wipe every dark thought from my mind. Music had always been the biggest love of my life before my family died, and I was thankful I’d rediscovered how much it meant to me. I closed my eyes, feeling the music surround me with its lilting melodies and rich, chromatic chords, and let myself be carried away with it, like an arpeggio ascending up the octaves, blissful and content.
Just after half ten, I made my way down to the nurse’s room, feeling slightly more calm. Nurse Hutchinson was brisk with me, and I could tell by the slight pursing of her lips that she still disapproved of my actions yesterday. My neck felt hot at the thought and I avoided her gaze as she tightened my bandage and applied an ice pack.
”Hmm,” she said, eyeing it thoughtfully. “Well, it’s recovering quite nicely but you’ll still need to use the crutches for another few days until the bruising goes down. Okay?”
I nodded, and the conversation lapsed into a prickly silence for the next 10 minutes. I shifted uncomfortably on the bed while she sat at her desk doing admin, studiously ignoring me. Eventually, when I felt I could no longer bear the awkwardness, she removed the ice pack.
“Come back this afternoon and evening so I can ice it again, and don’t forget to rest and elevate it as much as possible,” she said, fixing me with a stern, intimidating stare. I cringed mentally.
“Sure,” I said quickly, and scuttled out of there as fast as I could on crutches. I’d been able to tell from her interactions with me before that she was a no-nonsense woman, but I’d never felt quite so uncomfortable before.
Mentally psyching myself up, I studied the door opposite which was adorned with a brass plaque saying “Dr Woodhouse”. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and firmly knocked on the door. I was a few minutes early, but I’d rather get the ordeal over with; there was no point putting it off any longer. The door was quickly opened and Lynn stood there in the entrance, once again smiling at me.
“Thanks for coming, Phoebe,” she spoke softly, her blue eyes cool and appraising, but with hidden warmth. “Please, come in.” She moved aside and I walked through the door.
The office was small and bright, with a potted plant on the windowsill. Unlike my mum’s plants, which always went brown and curled up, the leaves on this one were bright and green. For some reason, this thought made me both happy and sad.
There was a comfortable-looking armchair in the corner of the room, and I took a seat, tucking my feet behind the chair legs and propping my crutches against the wall. I watched apprehensively as Lynn took the seat opposite me and fixed me with an intent stare.
“Now Phoebe, I realise you must be quite against these meetings, if your attendance record is anything to go by.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, but to my surprise she smiled. “It’s quite alright for you to be worried, and I’m not going to try and force you to tell me anything you don’t want to. For me to be able to help you, you have to want my help, and the only way that can work is if our relationship is based on trust.”
She leaned forward in her chair, her hands clasped on her knees as her blonde ponytail fell over her left shoulder. “Trust takes time, Phoebe, and I understand that. These meetings are a chance for me to get to know you, and just as importantly, for you to get to know me.”
I sighed with relief at her words, a small smile pulling at the corners of my lips. “So we can just talk about anything?” I clarified. “It doesn’t have to be about my family?”
Her eyes dimmed slightly at the mention of my family and she shook her head. “You can talk to me about absolutely anything you like. Everything you say will remain confidential.” She spread out her fingers, her palms upturned. “Unless of course, you disclose any events which are illegal, at which point I’m obliged to report matters to the police. But that’s just a formality; I’m sure nothing quite so extreme will be needed for your case.”
I flushed slightly. “No, I’ve just been ordered here because I’m finding it hard to cope,” I mumbled. ‘If only she knew.’
“And I can certainly help you with that,” Lynn said softly. “But as I said, there’s no pressure to talk about that right now. We can build up to that. So first things first… How are you finding this school?”
We chatted for quite a while until the lunch bell rang, at which point I excused myself and made a beeline for the canteen, an echo of a smile still imprinted on my face. Lynn had been so nice, and I had felt so comfortable talking to her. The feeling of dread that had been settled in my stomach like a dead weight since she’d approached me this morning had completely evaporated now. Her passion for her job was just so blindingly obvious to see, and her genuine belief that she could help me had raised my hopes.
It wasn’t right to dwell on the car crash, I knew that. Moving on with my life would never affect how much I loved them, and I knew they’d want me to be happy. I contemplated this thought deeply as I grabbed a sandwich from the deli counter and sat down in a corner table by myself.
Barely a second later, a tray slid down next to mine and I caught a flash of unruly, ginger curls before I was enveloped in a massive hug.
“I missed you in class today, Phoebe,” said Jo-Jo, when she finally pulled away. She inclined her head to one side, her eyes tight with sympathy. “It sucks that they suspended you. How are you holding up?”
“I’m not too bothered really,” I answered honestly. “It’s mostly the other stuff.”
I glanced over my shoulder, and watched the students’ faces quickly turn away from me, hurriedly absorbing themselves into group conversations.
“Everyone is still talking about me,” I scowled into my food.
“Ignore them,” Jo-Jo replied softly. “It’ll blow over; these things always do.”
I smiled wryly at her optimism. “I hope so.”
“I know so,” she insisted, her chin slightly jutting out.
Another tray banged down next to mine, causing us both to jump.
“Phoebe, I’ve thought of the perfect solution,” Alex’s voice crowed, as he clambered into the seat next to mine.”
“Er- Phoebe, just remembered, I need to finish off my homework so I gotta go,” gabbled Jo-Jo, and she grabbed her tray and hurried away, a slight flush to her cheeks.
“Oh right, okay,” I said distractedly to her retreating figure before turning back to Alex, with a puzzled frown on my face. “Sorry, a perfect solution for what?”
“For getting your guy to forgive you!” said Alex excitedly. “Listen, if he won’t reply to you by email or text or whatever, then there’s only one thing left to do!”
I stared at him, completely derailed by his enthusiasm. “Which is?”
“Go to him.” Alex said simply. “Just go back to your hometown this weekend and visit him. Then he’ll have to listen to you.”
I furrowed my brow slightly as I considered his words. “But-”
“No buts!” he interrupted. “I’ve got it all worked out! There’s a village about ten minutes’ walk away where you can get a bus to the train station, and from there you can get a train to Surrey! I looked it up in my free period. The whole journey should only take about three and a half hours so you’ve got plenty of time to get there and back in one day.”
“Alex, I’m banned from leaving the school grounds,” I pointed out. “There’s no way that one teacher or another won’t spot me leaving the grounds by myself. I can’t afford to get into any more trouble.”
There was also the very obvious fact that I didn’t need to travel three and a half hours to see the man I loved. He was five seconds from my bedroom door and still refused to talk to me. I pushed that thought away quickly as my chest panged painfully.
“I know that,” said Alex. “Which is why you should go this Sunday. Lots of families will be visiting then, and the teachers will be much too busy to notice you’re missing.”
His words cut me up short and I stared at him, at loss for words. Mothering Sunday. In all the drama from the last couple of days, it had slipped my mind completely.
“So what do you say?” Alex’s voice cut across my thoughts. “Good idea or not?”
He was gazing at me anxiously, hoping for my approval.
I slowly nodded. “Good idea.” And it was, even though it wasn’t for the reason he intended.
He grinned widely, his blue eyes sparkling. “I thought so, Phoebe. If you can speak to him alone, face to face, I’m sure you can mend things with him.”
I nodded vaguely, no longer listening to him, my thoughts spinning wildly out of control. I could go back to Surrey, to my old village. Longing flowed through my body at the idea.
This Sunday was Mother’s Day and every pupil in this school would be seeing their family. And I resolved to myself, right there and then, my heart beating wildly, that I would be seeing mine too.
Thank you so much for sticking with me, even with the long wait, and sorry again for that. I know a lot of you will be upset about the lack of Jared in this chapter, but everything happens for a reason, so try not to be too impatient :P Thanks again, I hoped you liked it! If you did, please vote and comment!! :D