QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:
"And I realized that there's a big difference between deciding to leave and knowing where to go."
― Robyn Schneider, The Beginning Of Everything
Dedication: @efflorescences (she is one of the best people I've ever met.)
Thanks to Miksh for the amazing banner at the side!
***
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR
It takes me two and a half hours to have the guts to knock on his front door.
I remember how I called here a second home, in fact, a family. My feelings have never changed-though the relationship between me and Calvin has faded away-and I still love Sue as a sister. It has been more than three weeks since I last saw her and I genuinely missed her. Now, knocking on the door, I wish it would be her who answers the door.
Though, it's Calvin Gilmore. Probably expecting someone else or none at all, my appearance wipes off the slight smile on his face. He freezes for a second, which feels like a long time, and stands at the doorway cluelessly. Then, his eyes wanders around my face, the fresh scars that I left on my face hours ago and I wonder what's going through his mind. His face finally shows an expression, seemingly pity, and he breathes out a sigh. "Why are you here?" He asks flatly, his eyes fixed on the ground, refusing to look at me.
"Isn't it obvious?" There are many replies I can give at the moment, from begging for forgiveness to explaining myself. But I choose to play a game, instead. The dumbest thing I've done in my life is to not be able to forget the boy who called me a slut just because I deserved it - I would accept that we weren't meant to be-which is wrong-or that I fucked the only chance I've had. But hope is a tricky feeling and it gets under your skin in the first glimpse.
"What happened to your face?" He asks in a tone that, while worried, gives the vibe of distance. I actually expect him to ask while I am at his door but he's being Calvin once again. I look at him in the eyes and after a short while, he looks elsewhere, breaking the eye contact. It feels like he can't even make an eye contact with me for a long time and it stings right in the left part of my body.
"Got into a fight," I say, shrugging as if it's a routine-yet it was before he's been a part of my life. It was even how we've met in the first place. Thinking about it, I feel so bitter at that moment. If only he knew how I felt and counted the days we are separate.
"So," he trails off, as if expecting me to tell something. "Why are you here?"
"I - uh,"-I step closer to him which causes him to back away-"Help me."
"Help you?"
"I know we are not in the best terms right now, but for the sake of our past-"
"Come in," he sighs, gesturing me in. "This is for the feelings I once felt for you." His words hang in the air, as I reach to the living room, and I don't dare to look back to see his face. He once felt for me - I've taken enough grammar lessons to get that means no longer he does. I sit down on the edge of their couch, which I made out with him or played with Sue or chatted with his family, as if it's the first time.
He comes with bandages, cotton and stuff, and sits down beside me warily. He picks up a cotton and starts to clean my face, the other hand holding me under my chin. It hurts a bit, and I am proud of myself for being able to punch myself, but I don't make a sound. He looks at me in the eyes and, focuses on my lips afterwards-not to kiss but to clean-and nobody says anything until he breaks the silence. "Does it hurt?" I want him to ask again but not that.
"What?" I hum.
He glances up at me as I am stupid. "Your bruises look bad."
"Oh,"-I let out an awkward laugh and it reminds me of the time he said he's finally met Jacqueline-"It doesn't hurt."
He nods and starts to clean the side of my eyebrow.
I don't know what has gotten into me while saying the following: "You fucking hurt."
He pauses, looking at me dazed. I can't understand what's going through his mind at that moment and curse myself for saying it-I miss him so much and all I want to do is to kiss him right there. Kiss him until he forgets everything - even me if possible - and until I forget everything, too. If there was a chance to rewind the time and meet him again, this time as the girl he deserves, I'd not hesitate.
He opens his mouth, but before any words can slip out, a high-pitched voice interrupts us-a voice that I know by heart-and Sue runs towards me. "Jackie Cookie!" When she jumps on my lap, I make a room to hug her. She examines my face carefully and her eyes slide on Calvin. "What happened to your face?" She asks. "Why don't you come anymore?"
The words dries on the tip of my tongue. And I hear Calvin answer instead of me after he gets on his feet. "Come here, Sue," he says demandingly and she does as she's told. But the look on her face kills me at that moment. Calvin takes her by hand as if I am a dangerous person, as if she shouldn't talk to me at all. It gets to me, more than anything else before. He called me slut, he pushed me and he didn't talk to me for weeks-but he keeping Sue away from me hurt more than anything else.
It is his way of saying that I've never been hurt yet.
I get up as well, looking at them and standing still. "Jackie," Sue says, looking up at her brother. "Are you leaving?"
I have to. "I'd better," I mumble, looking at Calvin who looks at me as well with a flat expression, stone-faced.
"Will you come again?"
I'm already walking to the door, trying to avoid another conversation that will haunt me later. Distantly, I hear Calvin say, "Sue, go to your room." I open the door swiftly, throwing myself to the porch and to the street. I turn back to see if Calvin is looking, there he is, with the same stone face as before.
If there is one thing I've thought I would never do, it is breaking down in front of Calvin Gilmore.
***
There is a saying 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer'.
And since I don't have the former, I hold onto the latter and keep him as close as I can. And it even bothers him after a while.
We are sitting on my porch-my mum doesn't bother to check up on me anymore. Something changed between us. It's been another week since I last saw Calvin at his house and then, when I got home, I told her I'm going to Brighton for good.
She tried to change my mind, but since she understood I don't waver, she had to accept it. Because it was so painful to keep up in this place after all-everything reminded me of him. And his family. And our memories. I wasn't that strong to live together with them all. I needed a fresh start.
Now I'm telling Richard about my decision. And he gives me that look. "You aren't serious."
"I am," I say flatly, looking ahead of me. I have lost two pounds in a week and I look even worse. Like a wreck.
"All because of him?"
I turn my head at him. "He is everything,"-I cough-"he was."
"He treated you like you don't exist," he huffs. "And called you slut."
"I cheated on him with you."
"Speaking of that," he said, instead. "Why do you still keep me here? I mean, shouldn't you hate me or something? For ruining your life?"
I can't help but laugh at his confusion. He is so dumb, I swear. "Do you remember the time you said we are the same?" He nods, so I go on. "If we are the same, as you claim, then you feel the fire spreading on your chest through your body. You can't put it out nor can you breathe." He looks at me with a weird expression, that shows that something clicked. "Love destroys you," I say. "And I want to witness the destruction."
He gulps down, his eyes still on me.
"I'll just sit back,"-I fold my arms over my chest-"and watch you burn."
He doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. I know he understands what I feel and this must be the worst punishment ever to watch the girl you love dying for another and you cannot do anything about it.
Minutes later, he dares to speak again. "So, you really go?" It's as if I've never said those to him.
"Hmm," I reply.
"Will you go to the prom?"
That's the question. "Probably not."
"Calvin is going," he says - which makes me feel surprised but also confused. Why would he bring this up?
"So?" I ask dully. "Does he plan to ask me out?"
"Jack, please."
"Oh, are you going?" I ask airily. "Yeah, Ric, you deserve to have fun after all-you deserve it the most." My heart is pounding against my chest. "I am not going."
"This is your goodbye, say it."
"I'll see him all night-dancing to other girls and this isn't goodbye. This is death."
"You'll get a chance to tell him that you're leaving. Bid farewell."
"Who said I want to? He won't even care."
He reaches forward and holds my hand. "Come with me."
I look at him as if he's a freak who lost his mind. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You'll need a partner."
I shove my hand. "You need a partner and you try to drag me into this."
"Please."
"Why would I do something for you, Ric?"
"It's not for me - you know that. You want to see Calvin. He's the only one who can change your mind."
I look at him. "You want him to change my mind." It's not a question, yet a fact.
"I want anything that will make you stay."
***