Josh leapt the counter sending coffee and mugs flying. Knocking Will to the floor, he pinned him down by his throat and snarled ferociously. At the unexpected attack Roxy stumbled backwards her mouth hanging open with shock as Mikey watched in complete disbelief.
"You liar!" Josh shouted, his hand crushing Will's throat.
"Josh, stop!" Nikki cried, reaching over the counter, trying unsuccessfully to reach him.
"Josh, get off him." At Roxy's cry, Mikey came to his senses. He grabbed Josh's arm and pried it from Will's throat but Josh was too quick. He snatched his hand back, shoving Mikey who landed unceremoniously on the floor.
Josh, blinded by fury, attacked the blonde man with his teeth bared growling, "Liar!" over and over.
"It's true." Nikki screamed, her wild eyes darting around the scene as she tried to think of ways to stop her Guardian. Josh, his arm raised to strike, froze.
"It's true but it's not how it seems." Nikki rushed to explain before the room exploded again and her voice was lost. She captured Josh with her vulnerable eyes and silently begged for his understanding. "Earlier, you thought I was scared of being here because of the demons getting in but you were wrong, I'm scared of myself. I don't trust myself anymore. I'm unstable with my ability and that makes me dangerous. Look at the car, Josh, I had no control. What if that happens again? What if next time you don't get out? I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt you! Will is right, I do think I'm going to kill you." Her voice trembled and cracked. Taking a steadying breath she forced herself to continue. "You don't seem willing to accept that I'm dangerous, more so than most of the demons you're facing and you're letting me get too close. You need to send me away, get me as far from you and your friends as possible before something really bad happens. What if next time I lose control and it's not an inanimate object I get the urge to burn? What if it's you? Or Sam? Or Mikey?" Nikki hung her head, hot, angry tears of desperation falling down her face. Voicing her worst fears made them seem all the more real. Turning her back to the room, she slid down to the floor and rested against the counter. The truth was out and it was only a matter of time before she was sent packing.
"Get off me." Will huffed from the other side of the divide. After a moment of silence Nikki heard grunts and groans, and furniture being put back into place as she pulled her knees up to her chest and buried her head in her lap. She couldn't bear to look, knowing that yet again she's caused problems. Wrapping her arms around her shins and curling into herself as much as she physically could, she silently begged the ground to open up and swallow her. Humiliation, fear and regret washed through and as she begged anyone or anything listening to make her disappear.
Disappear. She laughed bitterly through the tears. How ironic that the one thing she wanted was the very same thing that was making life so difficult. She had become lost along her strange journey and there was no turning back to find herself again. The Nikki she once knew had disappeared and in her place stood a masquerading monster, its disguise so good it even deceived her Guardian. Nikki hated herself.
She startled as a warm hand touched her shoulder. Hesitantly, she looked up through her blurry vision to see Josh. Behind him Mikey stared at her, his expression full of pain.
"Don't cry sweet--"
"Don't comfort me!" She yelled, pushing Josh away. He withdrew his hand, rejection and grief shining in his eyes. Unable to hold his gaze Nikki looked away, sickened by her selfish fury.
"You should despise me. Will was right not to trust me. I'm more deadly than you know, I'm more dangerous than any of us could possibly imagine. I can feel it, eating away at me, it's disgusting and black and putrid." Without conscious thought she pulled herself up, the anger within her bubbling to the surface and silencing her conscious thought. She could feel herself changing as the gnawing wrath once again rose up and dragged her under, smothering her in the fire of fury. She didn't want this, not here, not now but try as she might she couldn't stop herself becoming possessed by the rage. In a rush of heat it consumed her and she was left powerless against the surge of undiluted vehemence and anger. Succumbing to the unstoppable anger, her self-control slipped and once again, she became a puppet to the anger.
Nikki glared at Josh. "I'm a monster," she spat, her rage controlling both her words and actions.
Surreptitiously, Roxy walked around Mikey, positioning herself at Josh's left shoulder but Nikki ignored her, she was inconsequential, she didn't matter.
"You're a fool." Nikki began her incensed tirade again, her loathing glare concentrated on Josh, staring down into the depths of his wounded hazels. She snarled, the red mist descending over her. "You're blinded by your pathetic emotions. They make you weak. You bring me into this safe haven without a second thought. Are you so misled by your feelings that your brain has stopped functioning? I could wipe out the whole house in a matter of seconds if I wanted to, fuck it, why don't I? I should teach you a lesson you won't forget. How about a few more deaths to burden your heavy heart with, sweetheart." As Nikki sneered, Roxy calmly walked forward. I'm a smooth motion she slapped Nikki so hard she fell back against the counter. It was enough to snap her back from the brink of destruction and send her plunging in to a sea of shame and despair.
What have I done? I've threatened to kill them all. What the hell was wrong with me? Shame crushed down on Nikki and she staggered under the unbearable weight. The sting from her cheek was nothing compared to the piercing sorrow in her heart. It had happened again. She had lost control and herself. She'd slipped under the calm surface of water into the torrent of the wild current and found herself pulled even deeper. She exhaled, bending double as the anguish shredded her heavy heart. Bringing her hands to her chest and clutched at her tee shirt in a futile attempt to stem the torture and bile but it was pointless. Unable to stop the continuing rise she fled from the room, tearing up the stairs and into the closest bathroom where she slammed the door before throwing herself to her knees and emptying the contents of her delicate stomach into the toilet. As her muscled heaved she felt each purge lessen her physical pain but it did nothing to alleviate the mental torment.
Replaying the last few minutes in her mind, Nikki shuddered and gagged. If Roxy hadn't had intervened what would she have done? How far would she have gone? She knew the answers immediately; her frame trembled with the thought.
"Nikki? Can I come in?"
It wasn't the person Nikki had expected to come running. She'd expected Josh, though she knew she didn't deserve him, but instead the soft voice of Roxy called out to her. Unable to trust herself to speak, fearing that she hadn't yet finished expelling her breakfast, Nikki remained silent. However it didn't deter the Guardian, instead the door opened and Roxy let herself in wearing a mask of sympathy.
"Oh honey."
"Don't. I don't deserve your kindness." Nikki replied flatly, her eyes staring but unseeing.
Ignoring her, Roxy settling down next to Nikki's convulsing frame and laying a hand over hers.
"God you're freezing." A beat meter and she had crossed the room to open the closet. Choosing the largest towel she marched back and threw it around Nikki. "It's not your fault," Roxy stated simply as she rubbed Nikki to help warm her.
"You sound just like the other two."
"That's because it's true."
"Really." It wasn't a question. Nikki's reply was detached and cold.
"Are you aware that during this little outburst your eyes went completely black? I don't just mean your iris's I mean the whole of your eye, whites and all. Black as a black hole. It's quite intimidating actually."
"So?" Nikki didn't want her to try and ease her guilt, she wanted to cling to it and take the punishment she deserved.
Roxy sighed. "So, I don't think you're aware of your actions. Come downstairs so we can all talk. Mikey's called Sam, he and Jake are coming back. Come down and let's try and figure out what's going on."
Part of Nikki wanted to ask where Sam had been all this time but mostly she wanted to be left alone. She shook her head.
"Nikki?" This time it was Josh; he stuck his head around the door and scowled. "Shit, you look like death." He had crossed to her in three steps, his arms already open ready to collect her up.
"Don't touch me," she warned coolly, backing away from him. Again his eyes screamed his internal anguish but he just nodded at her, lowering his arms and backing away.
Monster. Nikki shrieked silently at herself.
"I was just saying that she should come down, we'll discuss what just happened." Roxy spoke quietly but precisely and although she wasn't looking Nikki knew Roxy was communicating silently to Josh.
"Good idea. Let's go downstairs sweet-- Nikki."
Nikki cringed as Josh dropped his pet name for her.
How much further do you want me to fall? How low can I get?
"No." Again, the monotone answer. She sounded hollow and disconnected.
If only that's how I could feel.
"Nikki." Josh pleaded hoarsely. "Please." His voice cracked as he begged.
She clenched her jaw but refused to look at or acknowledge him. She knew her only option from here on in was to push them all as far away as possible. Distance herself. She couldn't afford to let her emotions get the better of her anymore, emotions led to these uncontrollable eruptions and they could very easily lead to someone getting hurt, or worse, killed. Josh had been right in the first place; their relationship had been a mistake. She couldn't afford the luxury of feelings or friendship anymore. Those things were dangerous for her and the people around her.
Ignoring her two companions she stood on shaky legs and steadied herself. Walking to the sink she ran the water, the cold liquid matching her icy disposition. After drying her face with the towel around her she dumped it on the towel rail and slid out of the door. Heavy footsteps behind her warned her she was being followed but she declined to acknowledge her companion. Instead, she walked to the room she had slept in and slammed the door, turning the key in the lock. From beyond the wooden barrier Josh sighed and she felt the last shred of her humanity splinter into a thousand separate pieces.
She sniffed and turned. She couldn't need them and they sure as hell didn't need her. Crossing the room to the small window, Nikki stared out at the trees. The frightening shadows she'd feared earlier now welcoming her hardened sinister heart. She had to go! To stay was too dangerous, she had to leave them all behind and make a clean break. She needed to disappear. If she tried to leave they would stop her, but they had to know of her intentions first. They couldn't stop her if they didn't know. Looking out at the house she spotted the room next door overlooked the porch. If she could get to the window she could use that as her escape route. She could be in the trees in a matter of minutes without anyone noticing.
Outside her room she heard muted voices. She knew that Josh would probably sit guarding, waiting for any opportunity to speak to her but she couldn't face him. It was painful enough knowing she would have to hurt him to save him, but the thought of constantly snubbing him whilst he followed her around was soul destroying.
A tear slid down her cheek and she heard him mumble her name. Why did he have to feel what she did? Why couldn't she keep this heartbreak from him after everything else she'd put him through? She walked to the door and put her hand on the white paintwork.
"I'm sorry Josh," she whispered under her breath. Turning away, she brushed the water from her eyes. She couldn't wait, her resolve was faltering and she couldn't risk his safety anymore. With all the grace she possessed she slid open her bedroom window and stuck out her head. There was a ledge, maybe three inches wide. If she could balance on that whilst holding on to the guttering above she could shimmy her way across to the porch. It was dangerous, if she fell not only would it hurt, it would alert them to her escape which would mean they would keep her under constant surveillance. She had one shot at this and she had to make it work.
Without giving herself chance to think, she unclasped the necklace Josh had given her and held it lovingly. He would never understand, she knew that, but at least she would know that every action she did from now on, no matter how painful to him, would be for his own good and less hurtful than if she stayed.
She held her breath as she climbed gingerly out through the opening and found her grip. With extreme care she inched across keeping her eyes focused on her goal. Failure was not an option. Glancing over her shoulder she tossed the necklace onto the pillow. She flinched, hearing Josh scream out her name but she didn't stop. She couldn't, not now, not ever.
As her feet neared the edge of the porch she flung herself forward and landed as lightly as she could. Lowering herself quickly she dropped the last few feet to the ground with a grunt before running full speed into the cover of the forest. She pushed her body forwards, ignoring the burning protest of her legs and lungs for fear of Josh coming after her. Outrunning him was not an option, he was far quicker than she could ever hope to be and she held on to that thought as she made her way deeper into the canopy of the forest. As the ground became uneven and littered with debris she slowed. Checking anxiously over her shoulder she caught her breath but there were no calls and no sign of anyone following her. She smiled sadly. She had done it; she had escaped; now all she had to do was leave Josh behind her.
Slowing her pace to a jog she touched the naked skin at the base of her throat where his necklace had hung, the stabbing in her heart reminding her why she had to go through with her plan.
She didn't know where she was or where she was going but she knew she was doing the right thing. Forcing herself to concentrate on what she was doing she battled with the her mind that stubbornly refused to let the image of Josh's wounded face go. His eyes haunted her but as her heart broke she knew that she had done the right thing. She was dangerous and she had to distance herself from him. Her feelings for Josh were growing, but so was the anger every time she lost control.
I'm sorry, Josh.
She stopped moving and closed her eyes as a fresh wave of tears threatened to break free.
"I can do this," she stated, her voice carrying through the gentle sounds of nature. "I will do this!" Taking a deep cleansing breath, she rolled her shoulders and started forward again. She needed to put miles between her and Josh and then she'd figure out her next move.