I challenge you watties: Look at yourself in a mirror and smile.
"Smile. Happy looks good on you."- anonymous
THIS IS A REALLY LONG CHAPTER. SO I APOLOGIZE OR YOU'RE WELCOME...WHICHEVER.
---------------
I had to do it. It was the last day of school and I just had to do it. Not really for them, more for me. I had to get everything off of my chest, and it was the only way to do it.
I approached Maria and Janie first, who were eating lunch near the tree that I had once relaxed with them. Once they saw me coming, I could practically feel Maria's disgust rolling off of her in fumes, but I ignored them, chanting in my head this isn't for her, this is for me and me alone.
"Hi guys." Janie didn't speak, just stared at me.
"What do you want slut?" Maria's words didn't have as much effect on me as they once did. I didn't value her opinion anymore, because quite frankly, she didn't know me.
"I wanted to tell you something." She snorted, definitely annoyed.
"Talk." Without sitting down I stared her straight in the eye and began to speak.
"Will's my step brother. He and I never had anything sexual going on, he was my best friend. I've known him since I was 8 or 9 and he was the closest thing I had to an actual brother for a long time. When he was younger he got with some pretty bad kids and I ended up taking the fall for him, which was why we stopped speaking. But I've been going through some rough times at home because my mom works a lot so he wanted to help me out. That's why he was at my house, though I don't feel like I should have to explain myself to you. And you," I turned to Janie, who was watching me carefully.
"Me?"
"Yes. You. A bully isn't as bad as a bystander. Remember that." Both of their mouths were slightly open, and I felt satisfaction inside of me. Finally Maria gathered enough of her thoughts to say testily,
"Is that all you wanted to say?" I nodded, giving them a smile.
"Yup. It feels really good to get that off my chest." She sneered at my words.
"Congrats then. Go run back to Ali who apparently is your new BFF!" I raised my eyebrow.
"You sound a little jealous Mar."
"Am not."
"Mkay." I walked away from the pair, completely pleased with how the confrontation had gone. Next ones.
Will, Logan, Xavier and a few other guys were joking around on the field, tossing a football back and forth. As I approached them, one of them (Frankie) pointed at me. The three guys turned and looked surprised. I came to them and turned to Will first.
"Losing a brother once is pretty bad. Twice kinda sucks, but you made your choices and now I'm making mine. I genuinely hope your happy with Maria, but please don't contact me when you're at college." He was about to speak when I held up my hand. "No, I need to do this because otherwise I won't be able to move on from this year."
"What the hell are you doing?" I rolled my eyes at my stepbrother's tone.
"Something I should'ved done a long time ago." Then I turned to Logan. "I liked you for five years, and you never noticed me. That's just how it's supposed to be. But now I'm done with liking guys who only end up disappointing. I actually wanted to thank you- you've taught me a lot about myself."
"You liked me?" I nodded with a smile.
"Yeah, but I'm really glad I don't anymore." He seemed so shocked that I wanted to laugh, but couldn't. I finally spoke to Xavier. "You seem like a great guy, but I can't forget the way you spoke to me. Treat girls with respect and that'll get you a long way." Ending on that note I started heading towards the building when I felt Logan's hand on my wrist.
"Whoa, what are you saying Lottie? Why are you doing this?" I looked back at the three boys who all held special places in my heart.
"I'm letting go of you three. You all let go a long time ago and I realize it's time for me to do the same." I pulled my hand gently out of Logan's grasp and made my way back to Jesse, Caleb, Gina and James, who were looking at me in confusion. Jesse glared at Logan, who was standing speechless on the field with the other two guys before asking,
"What just happened?" I grinned, feeling the weight that had push me down for so long finally lifted.
"I can't start the next chapter of my life if I keep re-reading the last." Gina whistled.
"Damn girl you just went bottom of the ocean floor deep." I flipped my hair to the side.
"I've upgraded." James put his arm around Gina's waist. The two had started dating about a week after Gina had confessed to me that she liked him and I was seriously surprised at how cute of a couple they were. And she was right...he was as cheesy as gorgonzola. Caleb gave me a smile and a tight hug.
"I'm proud of you."
"I'm proud of me too." He laughed and ruffled my hair.
"Caleb, hasn't anyone ever told you- don't touch a girls hair?" Another voice came into the mix and I grinned as Caleb pulled his girlfriend into his arms, kissing her lightly on the cheek.
"But you let me touch your hair." Ali snorted.
"Please. If you ever touched my hair without permission, I would seriously think about dumping you." He kissed her on the cheek again.
"Sugar, you wouldn't be able to live without me." She blushed at the term of endearment and I smiled at the pair. Alison and I had become closer after the Logan incident and started talking to each other, where I found we were a lot alike. Her parents were divorced too, though she still went back and forth. She had dumped Logan about three days after the argument and I think we bonded over that too. I was thankful we were friends because everyone else was leaving next year. She was still way more popular than I was, but we had both gotten comfortable hanging around each others friends, so I figured that it wouldn't be too hard to adjust next year.
Jesse nudged me with his arm.
"So why'd you do it?" I raised my eyebrow.
"Do what?"
"Talk to everyone that made your life miserable." I ran my hand through my dirty blonde hair.
"I learned something from Sophia."
"Ryan's girlfriend?" I nodded.
"Yeah. She told me that I wouldn't be able to find the right friends or the right guy if I kept going after the wrong ones." He nodded, a smile gracing his features, obviously liking the idea.
"That girl's smarter than she looks."
"I know. It's crazy. Thank god Ry's dating her and not an idiot." Jesse gave me a concerned glance and said quietly, making sure that our friends couldn't overhear us,
"How are you guys?" I shrugged.
"He's still really against authority, but that's how it'll be I guess. I told him he could move to our dad's house if he wanted, but he doesn't seem to have the courage to go." He scratched the back of his head.
"I talked to him a few days ago."
"What?"
"Yeah. I wanted to know why he's been acting the way he has and stuff." I waited for him to tell me what he had learned, my heart beating faster.
"And?"
"He's scared." That answer took me by complete surprise.
"What? Why?" Jesse's voice was calm and collected, making the situation sound reasonable.
"He told me it kind of occurred to him that you're going off to college soon. He's scared you're gonna leave him alone like your dad did." My mental gears were turning and I finally began to understand.
"Really?" He nodded and adjusted his backpack on his shoulder.
"I mean, I get it. I told him that he should talk to you about it, because the way he was ahdnling it wasn't fair to you." I gave Jesse a smile.
"Thank you. You're the best, I hope you know that." He chuckled and gave me a lopsided smile.
"I do now." Gina's voice interrupted our conversation.
"Jesus, the sexual tension is giving me a headache." We both turned to find her staring at us. It was known through our group of friends that Jesse and I both had feelings for each other, but we didn't act on them. I was way too busy with school, my brothers, my mom, my job and the bills that seemed to be never ending to have time for a boyfriend, especially one who would be taking off for college in the fall. Jesse seemed to feel the same way, because he never asked or acknowledged it.
"I googled who gives a shit Bugs. My name wasn't on the list." Gina glared at me playfully, hearing my comeback, while the others 'oohed'. Caleb gave me a fist bump.
"Nice one girlfriend." I stuck my tongue out at Gina, who did the same back. Ali sniggered at the two of us.
"You both are three year olds trapped in teenagers bodies."
---------
"Are you guys ready?" I called, waiting for their replies, bouncing Cam on my hip. He was wearing little cargo pants and a blue mini polo t-shirt, his green eyes always seeming to smile. Ryan came down the stairs first and I gave him a dimpled, wide grin, gushing. "Oh my goodness Ry, you look so handsome!" He blushed, obviously pleased with my reaction.
"Thanks." His suit made him seem taller and more mature, though his hands were stuffed in his pockets, reminding me that he was only fourteen. Jason came through the kitchen door next, proudly displaying his tiny suit and tie.
"Ryan helped me." He announced, grinning up at me. I pinched his four-year-old pudgy cheek.
"You look so grown up."
"I know." The cockiness was too much to handle. He was learning quickly from his older brother.
After Jesse had told me what Ryan was feeling, I had talked to him and straightened things out, promising him that me going to college wouldn't change anything. Even though I had one year of high school left, Ryan told me the idea of me leaving terrified him. I told him that he and I would sit down together and talk everything through, which was tonight.
"Is everyone ready?" I looked at the three boys, making sure they had everything they needed.
"Wait!" Ryan bolted back upstairs and I raised my eyebrow, bemused. He came back down a few seconds later, out of breath, carrying a large bag.
"What's that?" He grinned at me mischievously.
"You'll see." I shook my head.
"On second thought: I don't want to know."
We piled into the car and headed out of the driveway, relaxed because we were on time. I turned up the music and the boys sang along, even Cam babbled, trying to understand the words being said. When we pulled up into the parking lot, I unbuckled the baby from his carseat, Ryan helping Jason with his and we all walked out wearing our fancy attire. When I saw Jesse, I smiled and waved and he stopped talking to his parents, jogging over to me.
"Hey Charlie, hey boys." He did that man-shake with Ryan and fist bumped Jason, giving me and Cam a gentle hug.
"Hey Jesse! Are you nervous?" He laughed at Jason's question.
"What's there to be nervous about? I look smoking." So Ryan didn't teach him the cockiness. Jesse did.
"Me too." Jason stuck out his chest proudly and Jesse nodded, serious.
"That you do little man." He then turned to me.
"Sit as close as possible?" His voice was pleading and I smiled.
"Of course." He looked the right and I saw my group of friends. Motioning for Ryan to follow me, Jesse picked up Jason and we all headed over to them.
Ali saw me first and I waved with one hand. She looked gorgeous as usual, sporting a simple red halter dress and a gold clutch.
"OMG Charlie you look great!" I blushed, immediately feeling self conscious. I had borrowed a mint green dress and silver heels from my mother's closet (she didn't know...not that she really remembered a lot anymore), and I felt relatively good in the outfit.
"Thanks, so do you Ali." Gina gave me a wink, in a tight white dress that accentuated her curves.
"Looking bootyful Coco." I nudged her shoulder with mine.
"You too Bugs." She glared at the nickname, but didn't say anything, instead turning to my brothers.
"Hey Ry!" Ryan blushed when she talked to him.
"H-hi." Even though he really liked Sophia, everyone could tell he had a crush on Gina, who was obviously perfect. She had straightened her long brown hair for the occasion, giving her a middle eastern beauty look. Caleb high fived Jason, who was still in Jesse's arms.
"Hey guys! You excited?" They both nodded eagerly.
"Duh!"
"YEAH!" I laughed at their enthusiasm, looking for a good place to stand.
--------
We were seated really close to the front, Ryan on one side of me, Jason on the other and Cam on my lap. The stage was a few feet away from us and both of my brothers were bouncing in their seats, ready for it to start. Jesse walked out on the platform and everyone went silent, a hush falling over the crowd. He spoke into the microphone.
"Hey everyone." Jason was the only one who answered back,
"HI JESSE!" People around us laughed and Jesse chuckled into the microphone.
"Hey buddy." I ruffled Jason's hair then put a finger up to my lips.
"Time for Jess to speak okay? Let's be quiet." He nodded obediently and Jesse began again.
"Beginnings are pretty scary- walking for the first time with the fear that you'll fall, entering school with the fear of being alone, leaving with the fear of not being able to succeed in what's called the real world and not knowing if you'll actually be good enough.
But maybe that's the real key to 'making it' after high school- going back to the beginning. We have to realize that it's okay to stumble a few times, learn how to be our own best friend before finding others and come to terms with the fact you won't always be good enough for everyone. I'm a really lucky guy. I've found a group of people who I know that I'm good enough for." Jesse's eyes turned first to Caleb, who was sitting in the second row.
"Sometimes fate let's you have that one person that won't let you frown for a moment because then they'll frown too. The person that doesn't mind giving you advice about a girl or slapping you when you need to wake up and get your act together. The person that you don't ever want to say goodbye to, just 'I'll see you soon'." Caleb saluted Jesse, but I could see the tears in his eyes. The two shared a friendship that made me really believe that love was stronger than blood.
"Other times you're blessed with that one crazy girl that makes sure you're told the truth bluntly, who won't ever lie to you. The one who makes sure that you know that you're special and doesn't care what others say." Jesse's eyes met Gina's and she put her hand over her mouth, obviously surprised that he was referring to her.
"But then, if you're really lucky, you're given an angel. She knows all your flaws, mistakes and weaknesses yet she still has confidence in you that you never had in yourself. The girl that makes you wonder how you even survived without her before." His eyes met mine and my eyes welled up, shocked that he was going to mention me, hearing that he meant every word. He gave me a wink and then continued speaking.
"So with that gratitude in mind, we have to learn that beginnings often create happy endings. The first steps create paths, the first friends become siblings and the first steps to succeeding is failure. And even though college professors probably won't accept an excuse note from your mom, I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm glad to be starting a new beginning. I don't know where I'm going, but I promise it won't be boring." HE ended and everyone clapped loudly. He gave me a proud smile, and I could tell he had been really nervous.
The speeches were done and they had begun to call names up for the diplomas. Gina's, James's and Caleb's had already been said and we all were waiting for Jesse's. Right before he was called, Ryan grabbed the bag and opened it, revealing a poster that said,
WE LOVE YOU JESSE! I laughed as he held it up, cheering. Right when the principal said,
"Jesse Taylors," I saw Jesse motion for Jason, who sprinted to him. Picking him up, Jesse walked on stage with my little brother in his hand. I was speechless, wondering why he would do that.
"Want to take the paper, little man?" Jason proud held the diploma and everyone cheered and awed. I could feel the tears slipping down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I loved how happy my brothers looked. They finally looked content.
--------
This isn't the end