Is it desire?
Or is it love that I'm feeling for you?
I want desire
'Cause your love only gets me abused
Desire ~ Years & Years
Caspar
Troye was coming to senses, slowly but surely. In the hours since he'd been detained from the hospital it became obvious he was slightly recovered. He could hold a conversation, walk along with increasing ease, and actually see what was was going on around him-
Until the mention of Tyler that is. The name sent him to the ground. shuddering and foaming at the mouth.
It'd been terrifying to see him in that state. I didn't know how to help. Not properly. But I couldn't stand by and watch him jerk uncontrollably, victim to the scrutiny of passers-by. I could only think to carry him away from the crowds. They kept peering over at his face, pushing against me to get a closer look. But he was light and I was strong, and eventually I managed to get away.
I was petrified he'd die in my arms. But when his body started to relax I knew I was okay. Thank god he hadn't died. I didn't think I would've been the same person if he had. I didn't know how I would've been able to move on from that point. Maybe I never would have done. Ergo when his fit ended I was relieved to say the least. I didn't have to worry about his death any longer, and I tried to let my fears go.
It could still happen a voice said deep within me. But that was a dark thought for another time.
I carried him a long way, to a slightly secluded area on the hillside. Most people were too busy these days to enjoy the scenery, so no one went there. The only reason I'd found about it was when Joe and I went on a pointless wonder and discovered the little haven, claiming it as our own that instant. Troye would be safe from harm there. And he'd be able to find his way back to civilisation when he decided to return.
I knew that lying on the ground couldn't be doing him any good, so I rushed to the tents to get him a chair. When I got to the stock room, I heard people speaking about an urgent discussion that had been called up a few minuted before. They didn't know what it was about, only that it was probably to do with the new arrival. And that meant Troye.
I was somewhat put out by that. But I was unsure what to do with that information. I wanted to go and investigate, so that I understood what was going on. But caring for my friend meant more to me. So I got the chair and went back to him.
After I returned I found that he was more subdued than before. He was staring up at the moon, transfixed on the brightness. It was an aesthetically clear sky that night, but I couldn't focus on it for long. I started to fidget, which set me more on edge.
Eventually the silence got too much for me, and I told him I was going to walk about for a while, if he was okay with that. He gave me a distracted nod, not seeming to care whether I stayed or not. I didn't take it to heart. Anyone would be in that state if they'd gone through the same ordeals.
So I decided I'd leave him to it, standing up and brushing myself down before setting off. I didn't get very far before he whispered out "Did I love him?"
I paused. Had he spoken? Or was I hearing things? No - one look at his pensive face told me he'd asked it, and he wanted an answer. I stopped to think about it, wondering if my gut feeling was true. I'd never know if it was, but it felt true. And then I didn't know whether he'd want to know. If he couldn't remember Tyler, knowing the answer might hurt him even more.
But I told him. Because he was my friend.
"Well, you never looked at another person when he was around. You're eyes were glued to him, and it was the same with him. He made you truly happy. You would glow whenever you talked about him. You wanted to be with him, even though it meant putting yourself in danger. Yeah... you loved him."
He stared down at his feet, falling deeper into his morose state of disrepair. It was time for me to leave after that. With a final look behind me, I could tell he was still swimming in deep thought. Rippling questions moved across the sea that he couldn't navigate. I wanted to give him a map, but I knew too clear a path would send him sinking to the world of the dead if I wasn't careful.
Once I was a fair distance away, I practically ran to the tents, desperate to know what they were saying about my best friend. Because if someone said anything bad about him, I would be quick to shut them up.
After they got out the tent, of course.
See, Troye having a fit when he did wasn't such a bad thing. At least he didn't know that I'd been banned from several tents yet. And it was all because of a stupid mistake I'd made.
One time, during a strategies talk, I'd gotten a little bit angry with their opinions. When say a little, I mean that my face was red and I was ready to smack them around the head. They weren't listening to each other. It was a screaming match that I didn't want to watch.
So a bolt of lightning shot out my hand.
Now they were all adamant to let me attend again.
I wasn't the only one banned. Outside a tent was Dan, texting on his phone in his method to avoid awkward conversations with others. He'd been forbidden to go in after trying to make them listen to Phil's opinion. Although he'd been right to do so - as Phil was now considered one of the main operatives in the camp - they'd decided he was too impertinent to allow in.
"Hey ass-hole," I said, causing him to glance up from the bright screen.
He smirked, putting his phone in his pocket - a sign of true friendship. "Hey slut. I'm surprised you weren't down here sooner."
"I was looking after Troye."
"Ohh. I just presumed you got lost on your way here, seeing as you don't seem to be able to do much these days."
"Yeah and you're doing so much, standing out here pining for Phil."
"I don't pine. I just wait. For a friend."
"Friend? Really?"
His lip slightly curled up. "Maybe?"
I tried to look around him, to see what was going on inside, through the murky plastic window. There were several people on computers, with too many letters and numbers being displayed on the screens. People were sitting around a table, discussing something with indoor voices - in order to stop people outside listening in.
"What are they doing in there?"
"Something about the codes Troye had on him. I think they're trying to decode them and see where the places are."
That didn't seem too bad, but I still wanted to know what was going on. So I resigned myself to waiting outside with Dan, which wasn't that infernal. We spoke for a while, with conversations neither of us would be happy to admit to after. At some point I asked whether he would rather be eaten by his family or have to eat them. Although going for the first option originally, he then talked about a situation where in he would eat his family. It was more than a little disturbing.
Midway through a detailed description on how he'd season the food, he stopped abruptly. I wondered why until I heard the tent door was unzipped. I couldn't be more grateful, seeing as I could feel sickness swirling in my stomach just from our conversation.
People trickled out, not giving us a second glance as they went to get on with living. Well, all except two people.
Phil and Grace came out near the end, seemingly relieved that the meeting was over. Grace came over straight away, as she caught sight of us immediately when she got out. When Phil came out, he held a lost expression, scanning the area for someone. Then he stopped for a moment, just to look at Dan. There was so much fondness in his gaze that I started feeling envious over the fact I wasn't looked at that way.
I mean, I was, but not at that very moment.
When Dan finally spotted him he didn't hesitate to jog over, opening his arms and hugging him like they'd been apart for a lifetime, rather than an hour or so.
"They're too adorable," Grace groaned. And I couldn't agree more.
The two made their way over, now joint at the hip. They were whispering to each other, not caring who was around to see them. When they reached Grace and I they both had enough manners to stop. Phil smiled and said his hellos, and after saying hi I rushed out "What did they say?"
"Well, a lot."
"I fell asleep for part of it actually,"Grace said to emphasis the point.
"I'll give you two the low down," Phil said.
Dan raised his eyebrows. "The low down?" Phil shoved him playfully away. Then sobered up and gave us the low down.
They'd managed to figure out two out of three things on the paper. The first was an address, to a military base by Lake Tonk. There wasn't much to say about the sight, as most information was confidential. But they knew that elementals had been spotted there, working. That was the best bet for why Tyler was, but no one was certain.
The second code were the co-ordinates that needed up in the middle of nowhere. Just empty grasslands. They weren't aware what it meant at first, but on the zoomed out map Grace recognised the nearest town name. She said she'd travelled there, when the family had gone scouting for places to build sites. A team had been ordered to check out the empty plane that evening, as it was only a few hours away. Most people on site suffered with insomnia anyway, so staying up late wouldn't be an issue.
The third code was different from the others. And no one had any clue what it was. They'd tried to decode it on several systems to no avail. It definitely wasn't an address, but no one knew what else it could be.
With that part answered, I still had one gaping question. "Do you know who gave it to him?"
Grace sighed. "Not yet. It wasn't someone on the database. So that rules out criminals and resistance members."
"So it could be anyone?"
"Basically yes. "
"But it's probably closer to home than we think," Phil said.
After all moment of being confounded I manged to say "That doesn't sounds good."
"It's not meant to. And on that note, I'm going to my tent. See you-"
"Hang on I'm coming with you," Dan said.
"Really?"
"One minute with you is better than an eternity anywhere else," He glanced over at us. "Sorry Cas. And Grace."
"It's alright."
"I'm sure I'll get over it."
He looked like he was going to apologise again, but stopped himself when Phil had a hold of his elbow. Phil rose up and whispered something in his ear, a smirk playing on his lips. Dan, who prized himself on not blushing, did just that. He was the most smitten person I'd ever seen.
Grace muttered something about young love, then made a terrible excuse in order to go off and find Hannah. The three said goodbye before walking away, off to do god knew what.
Some things I was safer not knowing. But there things I definitely needed to know. Like every single thing about Joe, just for a random example.
I found him by his usual spot, on the riverbank where you could see the koi fishes. His knees were pressed to his chest, head placed on top. He looked so small, so unprotected.
I guessed it just mirrored how he felt.
If only he knew how much I wanted to protect him, how I wished he'd grow big and strong. But he couldn't know. He could never know.
"Hey buddy," I said, sitting down heavily besides him. A timid smile was on his lips when he turned to look at me. He stretched out his legs, seemingly more at ease with my arrival. His eyes shone bright when he looked at me. It's just the rivers reflection. Not because of you.
"Anything new happening?"
"Just people figuring out the codes Troye had with him. Two were addresses and they don't know about the other"
"That's cool," he said, attempting to look genuinely interested. I knew he wasn't. He was in the midst of a lonely faraway thought when I'd arrived. It was never a quick transition from that deep down in his mind to reality.
"Do you wanna talk about it or...?"
"I'm liking the sound of the or option."
"I hadn't even finished saying it."
"You didn't have to. Anything's better than talking about it."
We sat in silence, hands brushing against each other, but neither willing to reach out for the other.
"So what's with that black mark on back of Troye's neck?" He asked to break the silence.
What a subtle change in subjects.
"He's always had it, ever since I've known him. It's not that big a deal."
He suspired. "No I know. It's just... I swear it wasn't so obvious before."
"Maybe you weren't actually looking at him. Maybe you were focused on the idea of him rather than the reality."
"True. But that's only because I was too busy looking at someone else."
I glanced over, met with his loving gaze immediately. He wasn't timid when he looked at me. He looked so certain of himself, as of he spoke the truth and nothing but the truth to me.
I tried to cut the sexual tension between us with a light hearted laugh. "You shouldn't say things like that. I might jump you."
"Is your tent free?" He asked, unfazed by my previous words.
"Seeing as Troye's dazed out in chair right now, yes."
"Good," he smirked, turning round fully to face me. He came closer, covering my hand with his. He leant in.
I put out my hand. "Don't do this."
"What?"
"You don't know what you want."
"I think I do," he leaned in again, but I pushed back against his chest again. My hand remained on his chest, as my desire drained from me.
I couldn't look him in the eye, no matter how hard I tried. So I faced the ground and spoke my mind. "You might think you want me, but you really won't in a month. You're not in the right frame of mind to know. It'll be a regret that I don't want you to bare. I think it's best if we don't... do anything."
Joe backed off. He sat awfully calmly, looking out at the river without emotions.
Something leaped from the ground. A meteor-sized piece of earth. It went up. Spun. Came down. Hurdling towards me at an impossible speed. I through my hand, screaming out before lightning shot out my hand and attacked the rock. It was shattered, falling like rainfall upon our heads.
I glanced at Joe, ready for his wrath. If he could make a rock like almost fall on me, he definitely able to give me an earful. But he had nothing. He was just doleful.
"I've always known what I want, Cas. Ever since that first tipsy kiss I knew. It wasn't just a fling. Not for me. And I know it wasn't for you either. There was something deeper than that - and don't you dare make a sex joke.
"None of it was meaningless. Even when we said we were messing around I knew it was planned so much more than we'd ever let on. I know you too well, and I know you wouldn't buy a butt plug for just a fuck buddy. Caspar, whether you like it or not, we were falling in love. And I still want that. I know that deep down, you do too."
He took my chin in his grasp, laying a ghost of a kiss on my cheek. "Find me once you've changed your mind."
He stood up abruptly, watered eyes glinting in the moonlight. He stepped back, no longer in my field of view. I could hear him breathing heavily for a while, but it soon faded into nothing. I looked round, but he was already gone.
I knew I wouldn't change my mind for a while. My mind was the same as his. I liked him - well, more than liked him. But that wasn't enough. In his current state he was fragile. Like a glass ornament. And he was reserved for the highest shelf. I could admire him, but never touch him. If I did he would break. And I'd hurt him. And he would hurt me when he fell. I didn't need a shattered heart when he finally snapped out of the lustful haze.
I had to snap out of it too. And soon. So I decided it'd be best to distract myself. And what was a better way than to check up on Troye?
I'd be gone for over an hour, but for him it'd seem like mere minutes. I hoped he was still on the path to recovery. Perhaps we would be able to talk like we used to before. Or he'd have figured out a way to remember Tyler without killing himself. Whatever the situation, I wanted to be there for him.
I stumbled over to his location, putting off my internal battle for another day. I muttered my reasons for denying myself on the way. And with each step the mutterings became easier to believe. But then I stopped in my tracks.
The chair I'd given Troye was lying broken on the floor.
And Troye was nowhere to be seen.
I scanned the area, praying he was just behind a tree. He wasn't there. And it was growing dark. And he wasn't there. And it wasn't safe. And he wasn't there.
He wasn't there.
I had thoughts then. Strings of swear words. And fear. Mostly fear. Everywhere I looked was now something out of a horror film. Too many trees too little noise too late for Troye.
So I stopped moving. Took a deep breath in. Then screamed my heart out.
*
The site was filling with dread. After checking the area without success my mind jumped to the worst of conclusions. He'd been kidnapped. He'd been eaten by the big bad wolf. He'd decided to jump into the river and died.
Phil was in the main tent, already delegating people. It was only nine in the afternoon but he looked rough. He was hastily dressed, with buttons incorrectly done up, and his flies undone. His bedraggled image wasn't helped by the fact his hair was a mess, tugged in random directions and completely untamed. He was too busy to notice though. Appearance had to be the last of his worries at that moment.
Once my face was virtually against be windows he saw me for the first time. He gave me a shaky smile and gestured me to enter. He was one of the only people who still trusted me in a tent.
I wasn't sure that was a wise decision.
There was quite the congregation inside. Many people were there, most running on nervous adrenaline. A couple gave me dubious looks as I entered, but thankfully no one explicitly told me to leave. At least, not right away.
Knowing I could get kicked out at any moment, I had to get right to the point."What are we doing about Troye then?"
"Well, these are all the people who want to help with the search party. We're just figuring out where to go."
"Chances are he's under the influence of the full moon, so that narrows down a number of possibilities," a woman said - which I instantly recognised as my headteacher, Ms Singh. She still didn't want me to call her by first name, and was totally fine with that.
Her words made sense though. I knew about that from spending so much time with Troye during the cycle, when he and Hannah would be shut off for a day or so and end up late for school because they'd woken up in the middle of nowhere. "Where do you think he's gone then? Wouldn't the river have been good enough?"
A man with bow-tie and pompous manner scoffed at the idea. "Absolutely not! How preposterous!"
Phil wasn't harsh with his response, giving me an actual answer that didn't belittle me. "Waters go to a place where they feel comfortable. You know that river, it's not that nice a place. They tend to go to large bodies of water instead."
"Rocky shore is the nearest sea. Most Waters round here tend to end up there," the bow-tie man said, addressing everyone but me.
"We should leave immediately then," a different said, gaining the nods of a few others.
"Hang on, the sea?" Perhaps I didn't know much but I did know Troye hated beaches - more than he hated early mornings.
The bow-tie man sniffed. "The moon controls the tides. The moon controls the Waters. It makes sense. And as I said, most, if not all, go there."
I didn't bother telling him I knew that already, knowing it'd just cause more trouble. "He won't be there."
They all turned to face me. Some muttered for "lighting boy to know his place," but Phil beckoned me to go on.
"I remember once, in Philosophy, Troye said he'd ended up at Tyler's when the moon dominated him once. He'd said it was because he felt most comfortable when he was with Tyler. It's more likely that he's gone to him."
It should've been romantic, thinking that even without his memory his heart knew where he belonged. But it was the complete opposite. None of us knew where Tyler was - not for sure, anyway. And it most certainly wasn't a safe place to go to. He could get killed. Or captured. Or-
"Are you expecting us to believe that?" The bow-tie man chuckled, looking others in the eye in order to convince them them to join. Some started to snicker but it was immediately put out when everyone else held a stony composure.
"What would be the point in lying? He's my best friend."
Ms Singh backed me up. "I've taught Caspar for several years. He's a lot of things, but liar isn't one of them. I think it's it probably highly likely that Troye is with Tyler."
Most accepted her words, and besides a few, they decided it was the right line of action to go down.
"So the big question now is whether the military base is where Tyler is," another said - Hannah. She was just getting into the tent, and stood firmly at my side once she'd got in.
"I think that address is a trap," Ms Singh commented.
Phil sighed. "We'll have to risk it for a biscuit."
People started planning the best routes, and already organising how to get in, bouncing ideas off each other like a game of tennis. Hannah was the most prominent player between them. I couldn't help but smile, remembering school days when she'd been bullied for having an opinion, but was now highly valued.
I wasn't in the same boat - I was standing awkwardly, without company. I figured my best bet was to assist people in some small way. I strode up to Phil, knowing he needed to be aware of the state he was in. But I couldn't blurt it out right away. "Thanks for letting me in Phil. It's muchly appreciated."
"Oh, you're welcome?" He seemed to already gather I wasn't there to actually thank him, no matter how sincere I was about that.
"I thought you should know, you're flies are undone," I said as naturally calm as possible. He looked down at himself, paling, then causally tried to do them up.
"Thanks. I was in such a rush to get out the tent I didn't have time to check my clothes. Or bed hair."
That's when the person who'd most certainly been in that bed with him turned up. Dan entered via the rear entrance, so only I noticed him. He somnolently rubbed his eyes, the large shirt rising up as he did so. He gave me a sleepy smile before stifling a yawn his finger pressed to his lip, signalling me to keep quiet. As quiet as a nun he crept up on Phil, until he was inches way. Phil still didn't know. He was arranging with another person about getting plants in the tent.
All that stopped in a flash, when Dan flung his arms around his neck and nuzzled into his neck. Phil yelped like child. Then he registered who it was, and he deflated. "Dan," he groaned out, which led to people close by laughing, including me.
"I don't bite Phil," Dan chuckled, then whispered in his ear. Because I was standing closest to the two, I picked up on the words "not unless you want me to" before Phil said he didn't like whispering and had work to do. Dan laughed again and let go, deciding to stand besides him instead.
"Right, we need at least six people to go out to the base. I'll warn you now, it'll be dangerous. We don't know what could happen, so we'll need people with experience. We have to try to ensure their safety."
The idiotic man from before decided it'd be a good nice to speak up. "Why? It's just a Yokela."
Phil gave him a truly bewildered look. "That doesn't matter. The name's never mattered, not really. What matters is that they're two of the strongest level-headed elementals we have. We need them just as much as they need us."
The man looked tempted to speak up again, but another person was quick to show him the door. Thank fuck.
With him gone, Phil continued. "Any volunteers to go?"
There were. Too many, in fact. I was lucky enough to get chosen. It was mainly because my hands had started to glow, and suddenly no one had an issue with me going. I was the youngest volunteer, which was slightly daunting seeing as I'd presumed someone else in my year would volunteer too. But none did. A couple of teachers from school were going which I was still a bit uncomfortable about, but knew I had to get over it, for the sake of friendship.
Once the search party had been chosen, Phil split us up into groups, and delegated different roles to each of us. He was efficient, wasting no time to give us a task, and no one even tried to complain. "You'll leave in thirty minutes. Put on the appropriate vests, and make sure you have a bottle of water with you. Meet by the right exit, by the black cars."
Whilst he spoke Dan had been stroking his arm - and it was definitely not in a platonic way. He was acting extremely clingy. Almost lovesick. I wouldn't be surprised if he was, if my suspicions of the two were correct. And the scent of sweat that lingered on both of them seemed to indicate I was.
But they weren't ashamed. Sure they didn't say it, but they didn't deny it either. They didn't hide how they felt. And I wished I could have something like that. Something where you could stand with person you were infatuated unashamedly; admire them from afar without judgement; and prank them, knowing they wouldn't hate you for it.
I could have something like that.
No. I couldn't. He would hurt me when he realised he didn't want me. I didn't need that in my life. This were hard enough without heartbreak.
But I could enjoy it, just for now.
I sighed. I wanted to argue with my heart more. But that was too painful to do. I felt myself give in to the desire blooming within me. I knew if I didn't do anything about how I felt, it would be one of my biggest regrets.
I had half an hour. That was more than enough time. I snuck away, hopefully unnoticed. Anyone who did see probably though I was just going off to get changed. And I was going to. But I was going the long way round.
I glanced down at my watch. 21:58. I knew his schedule. He invariably had a shower at that time, because he didn't like to go when anyone else was about.
Right now, that was the perfect location .
I stopped running once I reached the shower block. No one else was about, just like Joe had always said. The only sound that could be heard was the water from the shower. Steam rose from within the cubicle. No one was going to be anywhere near the showers at this time of night.
I stripped down to nothing. It was cold but I knew I'd be warm soon. I hit the bolt of the door with a shot of lightning, so that I could slide it open. I stepped inside the cubical, catching sight of the one person I needed right then. His back was turned, but when I closed the door he stopped his washing. He turned round, revealing every inch of himself to me in the process. Somehow he was so much more desirable with water rolling over his muscular skin.
"Caspar?" Joe asked incredulously. "What are you doing here?"
I stepped forward. "Shut up and kiss me."
A/N
Woah unexpected Caspar chapter :O to anyone who hated it, sorry. But I assure you the next chapter will be a Troyler one. I can't wait to write it (all good things, all good things... well not entirely but spoilers) - but it won't be up so soon. I'm aiming to put up within the next week? Maybe? Not gonna lie though, I'm proud at how quickly I managed to write recent ones (it's mostly because I'm not properly checking them and I'm desperately trying to get to chapter 36 which will be a very... interesting chapter to write)
Fun fact: I reckon there's 10 chapters left.
Au revoir mes petits pois!
Emma x
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