"Just tell me what I did baby, please! I'm sorry for whatever I did anyway. I'm just sick of you ignoring me!"
I slammed my locker closed but Cal didn't do so much as flinch as I began to walk away, leaving him leaning against the row of lockers in bewilderment. I heard him thump the metal once with his fist and I smirked in satisfaction, loving the annoyance I was causing him. Loving the fact that in just over a week, he'd dumped his rugby pals and was now following El and Adam around like a lost puppy, begging for any scraps of information that they knew of. I'd sworn them to secrecy on that account. If he was truly sorry, he'd admit to it eventually.
Thanks to Calum's fruitless attempts of reconciliation, I was late for photography. Mr Harrison barely even acknowledged my presence as I strolled in and only mumbled a light "You're late" when I slumped into my seat at the back of the class. He was probably simply surprised that I'd even showed up for class. Either that, or he was overly excited about the project he was about to set us.
"I want to let your wonderful creativity loose over the next few months. I want you to capture whatever meets your heart's desire and present it to the class at the end of the school year. That gives you over five months to pull together a beautiful portfolio of whatever you wish, as long as it is on the same subject matter of course."
Everyone had seemed to perk up slightly at this; we'd never been allowed to choose what we photographed before. Usually we had to take pictures of trees or food or old buildings. I fiddled with my camera, adjusting the lense and wiping the screen when I was nudged in the side. It was Cara or Lara or whatever her bloody name was.
"I'm going to use my guinea pig as my subject!" she giggled, and she shoved her camera under my nose to show me a picture of a rather fat, and probably the ugliest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Honestly, it looked more like a cat than a guinea pig.
"Fascinating" I drawled, turning back to my own camera which had somehow switched to gallery mode. I stared at the image of Adam at the skate park, flipping his board at the top of the ramp, his entire body suspended in air. I felt a smile playing on my lips. That was the night we got chased through the shopping center for smoking pot and skating down the car park escalators. I pressed the arrow to reveal more memories: Cal and I on the boardwalk at the beach, icecream cones clutched in our fists, my mum and dad ready to go out for their anniversary, Eloise skipping stones down by the lake, Toby laughing at something impossible to remember. Something clicked in my mind and I raised my hand, my eyes still glued to Toby's face, how much younger it looked even just a few months ago.
"Yes, Ms Barker."
"Sir, can we use humans as our subjects?" I asked, my hand already sketching their names at the top of my new portfolio.
"Why of course you can! It is a remarkable thing, capturing the essence of another's soul and..."
I'd already tuned out and was gazing at my block writing in satisfaction, smiling at the names of the people that meant the most.
Mum, Dad, Toby, Eloise, Adam, Calum
I grimaced at the last name, wondering how on earth he would fit into my project, but he at least deserved to be there. He'd still made a pretty huge impact on my life and that needs recognition. My hand twitched, the pencil sliding back across the page as I debated whether or not to include a certain four piece band from Cavan.
I hated photography; it was my least favourite subject and the only reason I chose to do it was because I thought it'd be a doss class. Taking pictures of lasagne and fucking old gates wasn't exactly a thrill for me. Maybe I could finally inject some flavour into it. I was barely even aware as I scrawled their name at the bottom of my short list.
The Strypes
"*"*"*"*"*"*"*"*"*"*
When I got home, the front door was wide open and Mum was sitting on the steps of our porch, a cigarette shaking between her long fingers. She sighed when she saw me, stubbing out her ciggie on the wall and standing up, wiping the ashes from her suit jacket.
"'Sup Adelaide" I called, closing the gate behind me. "Since when do you smoke?"
"Since I found about six packs in your bedroom, along with a stash of dope."
I fought the urge to run straight back down the street and instead decided to act aloof. I shoved my hands into my jacket pockets and grinned, batting my eyelashes in confusion. Mum ran her hands through her jet black hair and kicked the wall with one of her high heels, cursing when an array of pebbles cascaded down on to the front steps. She scanned the neighbour's doors anxiously before resting her all-seeing eyes on me.
"Kitchen. Now."
I scurried past her, picking up the pace ever so slightly when she slammed the front door. I found Dad sitting at the kitchen table, his hands wrapped around a steaming cuppa and a newspaper spread out in front of him. He hastily closed it over and tossed it to the side as Mum pulled out a chair and sat me down, squeezing my shoulders, although it felt more like a pinch. I averted my eyes, playing with the sleeve of my jumper as she pulled out the cigarettes, along with the bulging packet of weed and my meds. Dad stiffened next to me and I cringed away, begging for God or Jesus or whoever the fuck is in charge to just kill me already.
"Is that...dope?! Shit that's an impressive amount! How much did-"
"Tony concentrate for the love of god! Our daughter is a drug dealer! We have no time for this!"
"Attention Deficit Disorder is genetic, you know" I piped up, grinning at Dad, who chuckled lightly before catching Mum's eye and shutting up.
"Look," I sighed, "you don't have to worry about the drugs because I'm not dealing anything and they are perfectly harmless...I think."
Mum was breathing heavily through her nose now, which made me scoot my chair a little bit closer to Dad, waiting for the oncoming explosion. However, what came was much, much worse.
"I don't even care about the weed, Estelle! Just look at your adderall bottle; it's full, you haven't been taking them" she said, the colour draining fast from her cheeks.
"You haven't been sleeping, you barely ever touch your dinner, you've been skipping class...honey, we're worried about you...we don't want things to go back to the way they were before. We don't want to lose you again!"
I froze automatically at my father's words, an icy chill spreading from the pit of my stomach out the tips of my fingers. We never spoke about before. We never spoke about what happened when I was fourteen. We never spoke about the six long months I spent trying to put my life back together while it was on hold. The hours I'd passed staring at that same yellowing ceiling, talking to the same crazed girls about meaningless shit that people like us could never enjoy. My heart did back flips at the thought of ever having to go back there. No way. No fucking way. I'd done my time.
"Dr P said if things started to go downhill again that the clinic would be glad to have you back, even if it was just for the weekends. Stella, love, you need direction in your life."
I pushed back from the table, making sure that the wooden legs scraped good and loud against the tiled floor. I scooped my stuff into my arms and glared at my parents, doing my best not to outright scream at them and act as sane as I could.
"I'm not going back to that shit hole. I wasted half a year of my life moping around in there for nothing! Because there's nothing wrong with me! I'm fine! All I know is that I can't see those sick motherfuckers ever again..."
"Estelle, don't you dare say that about those girls!" Mum hissed. "They are all just trying to cope like you. I doubt Donna would be very happy if she knew you called her that!"
I'd actually been talking about the nurses but I wasn't bothered even trying to redeem myself. Mum had crossed a line and we all knew it. I yanked the handle and let the door swing and thud against the wall, leaving a mark in the paintwork.
"Well Donna wouldn't know, would she Mum? Because she's dead."
I smiled and slammed the door behind me, rushing up the stairs two steps at a time, shoving Toby out of my way in the process. The little freak was probably eavesdropping.
I didn't let myself unravel until I reached my room and locked myself in. I took huge gulps of air, trying to teach my lungs how to function again. The room spun violently and I quickly chucked the pills away, knowing all too well what would happen if I held on to them. I was wheezing but the tears still hadn't come, and just as I squeezed my eyes shut, I noticed the old fruit crate under my bed.
I dove for it, scrabbling frantically to pull it out. Most of the contents spilled everywhere but they were unimportant; school reports and penpal letters and raggedy teddy bears. What I was searching for was at the very bottom, wedged between the pages of my old diary. I pulled out the photograph carefully, making sure to hold it at the edges, like my dad would hold vinyl.
Two girls smiled up at me, one more familiar than the back of my own hand, the other not so much. They had their arms slung loosely around eachother, trying to get as close as possible despite the thick winter jackets they were wearing. The familiar girl had dirty blonde hair and a smile that could kill, although she hardly ever used it. She prefered to smirk and keep quiet, let her haunting eyes do all the talking. She looked like a mess, but a beautiful one, a mess that knew what she was worth and the power she had over others.
Donna especially had power over the younger girl she had her arm wrapped protectively around. This girl was small, flushed from the cold, her dark hair pulled pack from her face by a pink hairband. Her smile was unusually giddy and her eyes were tired,exhausted, absolutely drained. She looked like she'd been to heaven and hell all in a days work. But she was alive. And sometimes, that just has to be enough.
"Remember yourself as a little girl; she's counting on you to keep her safe."
It was the only piece of advice I'd ever taken on board, although maybe I hadn't done a very good job. What would the girl in the picture want me to do right now? How could I keep the fourteen year old me safe by taking on a sixteen year old's wisdom that she didn't even bother to follow through on herself? Donna promised she'd stick around to watch me get out. She promised we really would get an apartment in London together and that we would work on the West End, stars of the show. Instead, she threw herself off a bridge. The only peace of mind I'd ever gotten out of her death was the fact that she had a fear of
heights.
My phone buzzed, jerking me out of my thoughts. I vaguely registered the name on the screen before reading the message and slowly perking up.
Ross: Can't wait to see you on the 23rd! It's going to be great craic altogether. Even Ev is excited ahah
My heart did back flips again, but now for an entirely different reason. I could hear the uncomplicated, pre - Calum me shouting through the years of ignoring her, demanding that I see Ross as soon as possible. It was only the 21st, but I figured he wouldn't mind being surprised by my early arrival.
I packed my rucksack as quick as I could, ignoring the calls from my mum to open the door. She was the one who was crazy if she thought I was gonna let her in. I lifted my window open and tossed my bag out, watching as it landed perfectly on the lawn. I slid across the windowsill and dangled my legs out, suddenly wondering how much higher the bridge had been compared to my bedroom window. I had spent months getting over her but now it seemed she was back to haunt me for a little while longer.
I wrapped my legs around the drain and slid down it, feeling very 007. I pulled my phone back out of my pocket as I grabbed my bag and hitched it over my shoulder. I sent a quick text to Eloise to let her know I was heading sooner and that I'd meet her there.
My thumb hovered over Ross's contact picture. We'd sent eachother selfies a week or so before so we could have pictures of one another (purely for fulfilling contact details, of course). In the picture I'd set, he was sitting across from the London Eye, a few pigeons gathered around his feet. It must've originally been taken on Snapchat by Josh because it had a caption that said "all the birds think im a real catch ;)". It was my favourite picture of him. Not because of Josh's cringe worthy caption, or even because Ross was wearing a woolly hat with ear flaps. I liked how you could actually see his eyes for once.
I pressed the reply button, texting in a hurry as I rushed down the streets to the station.
Stella: im so happy I get to see u too! Oh and tell Evan he better well damn be excited when we get there ;)
I didn't even have time to put my phone into my pocket before he replied. I read it and grinned, already feeling so much better about listening to myself for once.
Ross: he said "Fuck off " haha. please don't though the gig would be absolute shite without ya :)
A/N Don't worry! The lads are back next chapter hell yeahh!