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Annabelle_the_reader
'Alright, that's enough for one night. Everyone should try to get some rest. I want to train Tiger Lily tomorrow, so I need you to sleep.' Peter Pan said and, as if brainwashed by respect, simultaneously all of the Lost Boys arose and ambled out of the clearing in small groups of friends, laughing and jeering with each other at their successes and failures. I absentmindedly copied everyone else, relieved that the night was over because I was feeling a little angry and lonely after the strawberry incident.
Suddenly, I stopped mid-step. At the same time as feeling exhaustion, I also felt determination. I had to try harder and fight stronger in order to get better. I spun around on my heel and headed back to my bow and quiver that Pan had given me, withdrawing an arrow and twirling around my thumb and forefinger.
Looking both ways to check no one was watching, I headed off into the woods. I just needed a target and some practice before tomorrow, perhaps shooting a few animals as well.
Eventually, I found a suitable tree and chiseled my knife into the tree's bark, before digging my nails into it and ripping it apart to make a circle-ish shape on the tree, creating a small target for me to practice on. I withdrew an arrow, inhaled deeply, positioned it on the bow and brought back the string, looking down the arrow at the target.
'Not so fast, Tiger.' Came a voice behind me, so suddenly that I jumped out of my skin. 'You need some rest too.'
'No I don't.' I objected, before reverting my gaze to the target, narrowing my eyes to get a clearer image. 'I'm not tired, Pan.' I stated firmly.
'Don't lie to me, Tiger Lily.' Peter Pan sighed exasperated. He wasn't angry, just annoyed at how stubborn I could be. I released the arrow and gritted my teeth as it landed a few feet away, not even close to the tree. 'I hate liars.'
'Yeah? Well I hate failing.' I grumbled, turning back to look at him and withdrawing another arrow. Peter Pan took a large step towards me and placed his hand over mine, removing the bow from my grasp, smirking at my annoyance as I reluctantly let it go.
'Tiger Lily, I know what I'm doing. I know you do too, but sometimes it's just easier to let me take things one step at a time. You have never used a bow, you haven't properly hunted in years and even when you did live with the natives, you used a spear to catch anything, we have time tomorrow,' he said firmly, half-dragging me back towards camp. 'We have years in Neverland for you to practice before you need it.'
'I guess so.' I shrugged at his encouraging speech. We walked the rest of the distance back to camp in absolute silence. When we reached there, he gestured for me to travel up to his tree house. Peter Pan flopped onto the bed and stretched across it, yawning widely, before tucking his arm under his neck.
'You wanna join?' He asked, before sitting up abruptly and turning towards his chest of draws. He retrieved an enormous T-shirt, which he flung to me so I could sleep more comfortably than in one of my animal skin dresses.
'Thank you.' I mumbled, nodding to him. He just nodded in return and settled down, watching me disappear behind the curtains to change. When I came back, I flopped onto the hard, wooden floor, wrapped my arms around my body and curled up into a small ball.
'What are you doing?' Peter Pan asked, sitting up straight and frowning down at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement.
'Sleeping.' I replied simply, wriggling my body into a more comfortable position. Despite being made of wood, the floor was remarkably comfortable compared to the swinging hammock I slept in for months on the "Jewel of the Realm". This memory reminded me of Oliver and Liam and Killian Jones, three people who could possibly want to rescue me from Pan. But most of all Oliver, because when I found Pan, my ex husband, I felt like I had betrayed him. I hadnt even told him about Malcolm. Could he even possibly begin to forgive me after that?
'What? On the floor? Come up here with me.' He said, patting the space beside him. In the depths of my thoughts, I had almost forgotten he was there.
'No, thank you.' I said as politely as possible. As kind and thoughtful as his actions were, I preferred the company of myself when sleeping, particularly if the alternative was someone I had only just met who had almost killed me. Even though I married him, I hadn't seen him in ages and he looked entirely different.
'Tiger Lily, we were married.' He reminded me eventually, raising an eyebrow at my reluctance to sleep in the same bed as him. Then, he reminded me,'That's normal, it's ok to feel weird about it, but I'm still the Malcolm you married.'
'Yep,' I mumbled, but it was clear that I disagreed: he was nothing like the man I married; he was nothing like Malcolm. I decided against telling him this, however.
Peter Pan huffed and clambered drunkly out of the bed, almost knocking over his chest of drawers as he did so. 'I know you don't want to believe it, but I haven't changed, Tiger.'
I contorted my face into an unimpressed expression, trying to show him that he had changed, he wasn't the man I married. Malcolm wouldn't lose and risk the life of his only son. Malcolm wouldn't emotionally hurt his wife. Malcolm wouldn't kill an entire native tribe. Peter Pan wasn't Malcolm.
He smiled warmly at me, gesturing to the empty bed to show that I could sleep there instead of on the floor. I glanced at him for a second, suddenly seeing a side of him that I thought had vanished with his appearance when he gave up our son: humility, kindness and submission.
'I couldn't possibly-' I began, following his arm gesture to his own spot on the bed, which was heavily laden with beautiful, warm blankets and quilts. It was enough for him to allow me to be there eating his food and becoming a Lost Girl, let alone give up his bed for me too. I didn't want to impose on him.
'No, no, not at all.' He smiled, shaking his head to emphasise his point and giving me his hand to pull me to my feet. 'The floor won't do for you, but I can go and sleep in any of the Lost Boy's tree houses, I'm sure they wouldn't mind. Whereas you, who won't share a bed with me, your own husband-'
'Ex-husband.' I corrected, rudely interrupting him.
'-probably won't share a bed with any of them either.' He assumed, ignoring my interruption, and I nodded. Climbing under the covers, I shifted closer to the wall, allowing myself to be swamped by the vast bed spread, which was at least a double bed for one person. 'Thank you...' I mumbled, but was startled when he also climbed into bed next to me.
'I choose you to be the Lost Girl I sleep with tonight, ex-wife, you should be honoured.' He smiled a lop-sided grin arrogantly, sending me a smirk of happiness at how he had outsmarted me and cornered me on the edge of the bed with no way out to the floor again. I groaned, smacking my head against the covers.
'I hate you.' I groaned angrily.
'I know, I hate you too. But not as much as I love you.' He mused, chuckling to himself and tucking himself in. Even after all of this time, after all of his betrayal, my heart skipped a beat and fluttered for a few moments, before he interrupted my thoughts by sayin, 'Goodnight, ex-Wife Tiger Lily.'
'Goodnight, ex-Husband Pan.' I replied, before he blew out the candles and nestled himself to sleep. I sat there awake for a moment, suddenly feeling cold for the first time since I arrived in Neverland. The cold swept in through the floorboards and comfortingly hugged my body, reaching every part of my frozen fingers and toes. But, eventually, I managed to drift of to sleep.
~
I dreamt that night. I dreamt that I was reliving one of the most terrifying, traumatic experiences of my life: my own escape.
'We have some excellent news, Lily. In a few months, Dafara will propose to you!' My mother sang delighted, her unfaltering smile glimmered like a thousand stars because she cared so much for her daughter's future. I could never imagine anything worse than getting married, particularly at such a young age and to someone so horrible.
'And when you agree, our tribes will work together for a more prosperous future.' My father chirped almost as excitedly as my mother was about the prospect of me getting married. But this wasn't what I wanted.
'Agree to be married? I can't, Father, I don't want to?' I whispered, a lump caught in my throat. Marriage? I had never expected my own parents to really choose my own husband for me. I had never expected my parents to rid me of my happiness and youth at merely sixteen, plaguing me with the trapping expectations of marriage atrocities.
'Well you must. Because if you don't you will not bring honour to our family. The two tribes can finally align to become one and rule Neverland in freedom.' He responded confidently. Dafara was an egotsitical, cruel, deceitful man and I absolutely despised him. Sure, I had had an enjoyable experience meeting with him, but it ended there. He was not the kind of man I had always pictured myself marrying, he was truly despicable.
'Father, please, I don't want to.' I whimpered.
'Oh, of course.' My Father spat, ignoring my terrified face, but examining the tears welling in my eyes and scoffing at my ruined tribal make-up. 'You just stand there and cry! We can't let this go, Tiger Lily. We have given up so much, it is time you repaid us and married suitably.'
The image faded, like collapsing pixels turning into paper and glistening away. The memory of running to my favourite tree didn't appear much in my memory, so I merely remembered what had happened next.
From the towering heights of the tree, I could see everything the light touched. I could see the tribe's camp, in which the thousands of natives laboured their sorrows away, their eyes dipped from the sunlight, their expressions turning icily apprehensive whenever a their feared chief, my Father, walked past.
I had been exceedingly lonely during my time with the tribe. Everyone hated me and avoided me at all costs. Despite being well behaved and a delight, I was like a lion cub that had to be handled with care: if one were to threaten the lion cub, the entire pack would pounce.
Being this far up, above all of the tribe workers gathering and hunting, I felt like I didn't have to be the girl I was expected to be anymore. I could be anything I could possibly imagine: a hawk, a squirrel or even a owl. Anything I could believe in, I could be. It was a place for imaginations to run wild.
I felt a surge of excitement as I peered past my dangling bare feet, my shoes lying up-side-down below me, having fallen ages ago. There were three reasons for being up this tree: the rebellion that my parents wouldn't allow me and the challenge of climbing faster than I ever did before, until I reached the tallest branch and all could I further ascend was to the open sky. However, the main reason for me climbing the tree was because I couldn't breathe in the compact tribe. In the sky, I felt invincible and free, unlike the unhappiness of the tribe that piled on top of me like a mountain of heavy snow, burying me deep within its icy tomb.
'Tiger Lily? What are you doing up here, Lily?' My eyes met the shadow, who was directly facing me as if there was nothing else there. 'You should come down, it is not safe at such a height.'
Some of the branches shuddered and fell from their place on the tree as I moved speedily down the tree. Not long later, I jumped from the lowest branch of the tree and thudded into the forest floor. I smiled up at the shadow, who looked back down at me. 'What are you doing up there? I thought you quit climbing trees?' He asked, his tone suddenly serious.
I ignored his frown and glanced back at the ginormous tree. I hadn't quit, this was just a lie to my parents when they complained that I hadn't grown up, even in a place where you never grow up. I could never quit the thrill of climbing trees, even though I was nearing seventeen. I rarely climbed trees, except when I was angry of upset, and this was just one of those days.
'You lied?' He suggested and I nodded stifly. His smile widened, almost excited again. To the shadow, I was the only half-decent human girl in Neverland.
'Never.' I winked.
'So, are you going to tell me why exactly you were at the top of such a tree?' The Shadow asked, looking back at her. His shinning eyes were full of wonder and question. Although he couldn't smile, his happiness was unfaltering and his gaze never changing. But my eyes were very different. I lied all of the time, but the Shadow could tell because my eyes never lied.
'Daddy says I have ta marry Dafara. But I don' wanna marry Dafara.' I objected, slumping onto the ground next to him and folding my arms across my chest, like an insolent, defiant child. I was only those things when I wanted to be, when I felt like it was absolutely necessary, so the shadow knew instantly by my body language that this wasn't just a little tantrum I used to have when I was a child.
'Why don't you want to marry Dafara?' The Shadow questioned calmly.
I raised an eyebrow, because it it was obvious to me. 'Because he's vile and vicious and horrible, that's why. Can you not see how cruel he is? The whole room goes so tense and feels so horrible whenever he enters it.' I shivered at the thought, wrapping my arms tighter around myself at the grim image of her by Dafara's side.
'So you would rather marry someone else? Malcolm perhaps?' He questioned and I stopped snuffling, looking upwards so my eyes met with his.
'Um... Yeah... I guess so...' I mumbled awkwardly. Something about talking to an almost inanimate being about the boy I loved made me strangely uncomfortable. I realised how little I knew about the shadow; we had always just talked about me.
'Then there we have it, we have identified the problem that needs solving.' The Shadow smiled happily, clasping his hands together in his usual manner and looking down at me again.
'What? That I love another?' I asked confused.
'No, no, no.' He objected, shaking his head. The Shadow began to realise what affect the distance had on me; I wasn't understanding his ways anymore. 'That is a completely different problem altogether. You see at the beginning I asked two questions: why don't you want to marry? And why not Dafara? I can now tell that the latter is more important to you.'
'The latter?' I raised an eyebrow, nothing it was saying was making any sense to me.
'You just told me that you love Malcolm and would happily marry him, therefore you have no problem with the notion of committed love. Your problem that needs solving is that you don't want to marry Dafara, not that you don't want to marry.' The Shadow said mechanically, it's voice long and stern and happy, as if this was obvious to it. It's intelligence still astounded me, despite my now much older age.
'You say it is a problem that must be solved, how can we solve it? My Father wants me to marry Dafara and so I must, but what if I don't want to?' I moaned, sulking back into my chair.
'I cannot solve it for you, Tiger Lily. I don't have magic powder that I can sprinkle on you that will make this problem go away.' He mused at my ignorance and stubborn behaviour, for the first time in years seeing me sulking since my Father refused to let me play with my precious dolls anymore because I had to "grow up". He never thought he'd see that side of me again.
'You used to when I was younger.' I moaned, folding my arms in front of my chest stubbornly, my raven hair falling out of its faltering hair tie and collapsing over my shoulder, causing my animal skin dress to wither slightly.
'When you were younger it was easier, Tiger Lily. Remember the morals I told you?' I nodded enthusiastically, tears brimming in my eyes at the joy those simple stories had brought to me. 'You used to follow them like it was all that mattered, but now you don't understand them anymore and so the winds of adulthood scatter them and useless those morals are sent fruitless to the sky.'
'Tell me the morals again, please?' I begged. 'I can understand them, like I always used to. I want to laugh and smile and forget all of those troubles I had all o' those years ago!'
'It won't make any difference, child. Do you remember your name, Tiger Lily, or is it just what they call you? Well now you are just Tiger Lily, that little girl who was more tiger than lily won't come back. You have to be strong, like a tiger, for her.' He talked smoothly and confidently, like he always used to when I was younger.
'So what can I do? To make myself feel well again, what can I do?' I wondered angrily. 'I refuse to marry him.'
'Remember the morals, Tiger Lily. Be the person that changes it. Remember when you were little you made a promise that when you grew up, you would leave Neverland forever and live with Malcolm? Well, finally, you can. Believe in yourself and remember the morals. Dedicate yourself to being the person my morals wanted you to be. You were right, Tiger Lily, they were just empty didactic stories; it was you, Tiger, who brought them to life.'
The image faded to merely a week later, when I was walking far enough away from the tribal village to be out of ear shot. I could finally ask the Shadow to help me escape.
As I walked eagerly through the forest, I noticed my hands were peppered with pricks I hadn't even noticed as I had been too enthused with gathering the harvest to notice. It didn't bother me, though, because if I was to leave a return to Malcolm, then I wouldn't have to gather anymore. Malcolm said that where he lived in his realm, nobody gathers the harvest anymore.
'It's time.' I told the shadow, my head held high in passion and confidence. I was facing out towards the dense forest, a sense of longing swimming in my eyes.
'Are you sure, Tiger Lily?' The Shadow asked slowly 'You can't just leave for another realm like there's no tomorrow. It isn't so easy to come back.' The Shadow informed me slowly and carefully, treating me as if I was a fragile porcelain doll that would smash with my destroyed dreams and ambitions.
'Of course I'm sure, this has always been what I wanted.' I pointed out, my raven black hair shimmering in the light.
'Tiger Lily, I must warn you that if you choose this future, you may regret it. It is hard to return to Neverland, but the natives may locate you and and attempt to bring you home.' The Shadow reminded me steadfastly. I sheepishly looked to the floor, perplexed by its words. It was clear that I didn't want death or pain or suffering if the natives were to find me, but neither did I want this life in Neverland.
I didn't deserve my fate during my first few years in Neverland. I was too young, too gentle, too glad, too proud, too confident to ever give in to my role as the Queen, rather than just Princess.
That reminded me of when I returned to Neverland for the natives I naively wanted to save. The desperation. The fear. The torment. The power over the weak. It was maddening. Then, as I found out Peter Pan was my husband, it shattered me. Most of them weren't much, but they were from home.
'I know what may be done, but why can't I try?' I reasoned, realising my flawed argument with the Shadow, who was never as reckless as I was, but determined to get its approval.
'It is your decision, but you must be aware of the consequences your actions may cause not just to yourself and to the natives, but to Malcolm and your family too.' The Shadow said slowly and cautiously, as if it was trying not to scare me.
I was silent, my eyes slightly watering, before I nodded twice. 'I understand, but I must also leave. Please?'
The Shadow nodded and held out his hand. Smiling broadly, I took it and he carried me off into the night.
I didn't remember much of the journey, except the excitement of travelling to a new realm: Malcolm's home. I just remember it to be the first time I flew, because flying in Neverland was prohibited because my family thought it was dangerous. I remember how I was floating, effortlessly and I was free.
I watched the Shadow fly effortlessly away. I watched Malcolm stir from the cold, prickly air the Shadow left behind. I watched his eyes flutter open, before sitting up, only to abruptly stumble backwards at the sight of me.
'Tiger Lily?' Malcolm whispered and rose sharply to his feet, before reaching out and touching his cheek, as if checking that I was real. 'My little Tiger Lily Bird? You flew back to me.'