Kuya Jacob went back to training as soon as we made it back home. Intersci made it to the final four, kasama ang Centrex, Ignatio, at UTA kaya naghahanda na sila sa scheduled match nila this weekend.
On Tuesday naman, Racel made good on his word. Napatitig na lang ako when I received his text after my last class.
Unregistered number:
Are you busy?
Me:
Just finished my class. Why?
Unregistered number:
I'm in the area. Taking a break from training. Can I see you? I'll drive there.
My eyes widened in panic.
Me:
Don't!
Unregistered number:
Then see me?
I blew out a breath at the text. Bukod sa bumilis lalo ang tibok ng puso ko sa sinabi niya, may napagtanto din ako. It had been weeks since I last saw him. Though I didn't wanna acknowledge it, I sort of wanted to see him, too. Okay, not sort of. I really did want to. Kahit na nagkausap kami sa Cebu. I missed him.
Fudge.
I sighed to myself and typed again.
Me:
Ok, ok. Just don't go here. Where ba?
Unregistered number:
Where do you want?
I thought about it long and hard. I opted for a place that was near but not near enough. Yung alam kong hindi nilalagi nina Kuya at mga kakilala nila.
Me:
Mall na lang. Let's meet at Sbarro.
Unregistered number:
Alright
See you :)
When I arrived at our meeting place, he was already there. My eyes quickly caught the familiar physique of Racel Gutierez.
Nakasandal siya labas, waiting. His eyes were focused somewhere else kaya hindi niya kagad ako nakita. Suot niya ang varsity jacket ng Centrex University. He looked very dashing in it. He commanded attention just by standing there kaya kinabahan ako na baka may makakilala sa 'min.
To be safe, I wore my cap and lowered it down when I approached him.
Racel finally noticed me dahil inayos niya ang postura niya at umalis sa pagkakasandal sa glass wall. A slow smile spilled on his face as he walked toward me.
Now that he was in front of me, the realization of how much I missed him poured over me in waves.
Maybe ganito talaga. When you like someone, kahit na nag-uusap naman kayo, you'll still end up missing him. That's how your heart assures you that you still feel the same.
Right now, ganito pinapaaalala sa 'kin ng puso ko na kahit anong gawin kong pagpigil, gusto ko pa rin siya. Sucks for me.
"Hey," bati niya. "You really came," he added, sounding relieved.
Despite myself, napangiti ako sa tunog ng boses niya.
Nang pumasok kami sa Sbarro, napansin ko kagad yung mga sumusulyap-sulyap samin.
I tensed up.
"Don't mind them," Racel said in reassurance.
Parang may magic sa boses niya na agad na nagpakalma sakin. My shoulders relaxed.
I nodded and followed him to a vacant table.
Pagkaupo namin, bumaling kagad siya sa 'kin at ngumiti ulit as if may ginawa akong nagustuhan niya. Hm. Was he that happy na nagpunta ako? Did he think na hindi ako tutuloy?
"How did you get here?" he suddenly asked.
"Booked a ride."
He frowned. "You should've told me. Dapat sinundo na lang kita."
"And risk na may makakita sa 'yo?" I chuckled. "It's okay. This is better."
He suddenly kept quiet as if deep in thought. Then, he sighed and glanced over to the counter.
"I'll order for us. What do you want?" sabi niya.
I gave my order. He nodded and then went ahead to order. Habang hinihintay ko siya, sumandal ako at nag-check ng phone.
There was a text from Lhyle.
Bes:
Dude, san ka?
Nag-isip pa muna ako bago sumagot. Ayoko nang magsinungaling kay Lhyle kaya I wanted to keep my reply as short as possible sana.
Me:
I went out, bes.
I reread it and cringed inwardly. Parang ang rude tuloy. But then again, if I said anything more than that, baka mag-fish pa siya ng details. I know Lhyle like the back of my hand. Mabilis siyang makatunog sa mga bagay na ganito. Baka nga matagal na siyang may hinala.
My train of thoughts were interrupted by Racel's presence. Nakabalik na siya kasama ng order namin. He arranged our orders sa table.
When he was settled again, I asked, "Bakit ka pala biglang nakipagkita?"
He tilted his head, his quiet eyes resting on mine. "Kailangan ba may rason?"
I tightened my lips, feeling the sharp return of the butterflies in my stomach.
"Usually, gano'n dapat?" sabi ko without betraying any emotion.
"I just want to see you," he said as if it was the most obvious thing. "Is that enough reason?"
I tried to school my expression but a small smile still slipped out. I cleared my throat to divert attention.
"Let's eat?" I pointed to our food.
Nagsimula na kaming kumain. Tahimik lang, which I liked. Ito yung klase ng katahimikan na hindi awkward. In fact, it felt meaningful. Hindi ko alam kung dala lang 'yon ng relief na sa wakas nakita ko na ulit siya o dahil lang talaga sa presence niya. Either way, I enjoyed the quiet.
Although hindi talaga maiiwasan ang mga mapanuring mata. Some girls were still sneaking glances at us. Tapos magbubulungan. Tapos magtatawanan. Mukha naman hindi nila ako kilala kaya nawala na ang kaba ko. Obvious naman na kinikilig lang sila kay Racel.
Naramdaman ko ang pagbagsak ng tingin niya sa 'kin kaya napatingin din ako sa kanya.
"Hindi ka talaga pwedeng manood sa game?"
I gave him an apologetic smile. "Sorry talaga. Gustuhin ko man, well, alam mo na."
"Ayos lang. I already expected it." He moved his head, his eyes searching mine. "But can I ask something else?"
Hindi ako nakasagot kagad. The cautious part of me wanted to narrow my eyes and probe him for his intentions, dig deeper, but the other part of me, the impulsive one, ended up nodding.
"If we make it to the finals and win the last game," sabi niya na may naglalarong ngiti sa labi, "will you let me see you after?"
I blinked, taken aback.
How was I supposed to answer this?
Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti. His hooded eyes were pleading, and hoshet. Was this his Gutierez version of puppy eyes?
I bit my lip, pondering.
Gustung-gusto ko siyang tanungin kung ano ang intensyon niya. But what if this was him wanting us to be friends? What if ganito rin siya sa iba niyang mga kaibigan?
Ayokong magmukhang nag-a-assume.
And if he'd tell me naman na he liked me, ayoko rin marinig 'yon. Natatakot akong marinig 'yon.
What would he do, then? What would I do? Paano sina Kuya?
Hindi ko rin sigurado kung kaya ko na bang sumugal ulit sa ganito. I barely knew him. I liked him, yes, pero marami akong hindi alam tungkol sa kanya. I didn't want to be impulsive about this, especially if it's full of risks. It might break us both.
I figured . . . that this was better.
Kung ang sabi niya friendship 'to then okay, friendship 'to. Alam kong dangerous ang ginagawa namin but what could I do? I couldn't help it.
"Pwede naman siguro..." simpleng sabi ko. "...if you win."
Ngumisi siya—that Gutierez half smirk he was famous for. "Consider it done."
"You're that confident na mananalo kayo? You could be facing our team again."
"I'll train hard." The look of triumph on his face made me want to grin, too.
My phone vibrated then, taking my attention. Si Ahron.
Ahron:
You went home?
Me:
Not yet babe. Babalik pa ko jan, sorry sth came up.
Great. Now I felt bothered. As if this was a sin. Actually, 'yon na nga ang nangyayari. He was really beginning to become my secret. My risk. And I was so afraid this thing might blow up and burn me whole someday.
Ahron:
That sth in the form of a certain someone?
My heart almost stopped. Just one sentence and I knew Ahron already realized it.
Me:
I'll explain later
Bumalik ako sa pagkain, tahimik lang at abala sa mga iniisip ko. Kung pano ko sasabihin kay Ahron ang tungkol dito. Kung magagalit ba siya o matutuwa. But knowing her, it's probably none of the two. There's a high chance na pigilan niya ako, though. As much as Ahron is adventurous, she's an adept strategist, meaning hindi siya nagte-take ng risk kung hindi siya sigurado na siya ang mananalo.
I used to be like that. Heck, I tried my hardest to be like that, but this boy was ruining everything so easily without even doing anything.
Racel cleared his throat. Tumingala ako at nilingon siya. May kinuha siyang paper bag mula sa bag niya at inabot sa 'kin.
"What's this?" tanong ko.
"For you."
I looked inside the paper bag. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang box ng isang luxurious perfume brand.
I was at a loss. When I composed myself, tinitigan ko yung box at binalingan ulit siya. "Para sa'n?"
"I just want to give you something that'll remind you of me everyday."
Napalunok ako. My system raged with the demons wildly flitting in my stomach.
"Pakiramdam ko, binabakuran mo 'ko." That he's laying his mark on me.
Because men are like that.
Men are territorial.
One defining point of men is their territorial and possessive streak. Madalas makikita mo ito sa mga gesture nila. They can be subtle (like pointing his knees/feet toward you, placing an arm around your shoulders or keeping near you) or obvious (gifts, words, protectiveness) depending on the men surrounding you and the current stage of your relationship. Kung mas maraming competition, most likely mas magiging showy sila. Gano'n din kung palagay na ang loob niya sa 'yo. But of course, not all men that show possessiveness are interested. Remember. Some of them could be players who merely don't want their toys taken away from them.
And one other thing. Don't be confused and be quick to assume. Hindi porket territorial sa 'yo yung tayo ay gusto ka na. It can be a sign of friendly protectiveness so learn to distinguish. Learn the guy first before you conclude.
"Because I am," Racel replied with a shrug. "I would get you something else but you seem to like this kind."
"Pa'no mo nalaman na ganito ang gusto ko?"
"Gut feeling," sabi niya with a meaningful smile.
At that, napangiti rin ako. Parang ganito yung exact scenario namin dati no'ng unang beses kaming lumabas magkasama. That time when we were searching for a venue.
How nostalgic. From that day to now. Sino bang mag-aakala na magiging friends kami? I used to hate his guts then.
"I don't think I can accept this. This is too expensive," I said.
"Take it, please. It's a gift. I don't take back my gifts."
Something to remind me of him, he said?
Oh, I'm reminded everyday.
I'm telling you. He's in that ice pack in my drawer that I never got to throw away. He's in that playlist I listen to everyday, in my cellphone that's full of his recent messages, in my mind that's filled with memories of him now branded in me like a tattoo. Kahit walang ganito, naaalala ko na siya.
Pero syempre hindi ko sinabi 'yon. I kept my exterior cool and composed.
"Thank you," sabi ko lang.
***
Umikot kami at naglakad pagkatapos no'n. Bumili na rin ako ng novel sa National Bookstore bago kami tumambay sa Sky Garden, leaning against the railing wall.
"Anong gagawin natin after the game?" I asked him out of the blue.
Nakatutok ang atensyon ko sa mga tao habang siya naman, nakatingin sa 'kin.
"Kahit ano." Nagkibitbalikat siya. "Anything, as long as you're there."
Pinigil ko ang pagngiti. I pointed him a stare. "Ang mushy mo today."
"You hate it?" tanong niya, laughter in his voice.
"'Just confused."
"Saan?"
"This. Everything."
Hinagilap niya ang mga mata ko. "There's nothing to be confused about, though. Am I coming off as vague to you?"
Was this an indirect confession?
"I don't know. Ang gusto ko lang itanong, why do you keep doing this?"
"What do you think?"
Uminit ang mga pisngi ko. Huminga ako nang malalim.
Then I shook my head. "Never mind."
Huminga din siya nang malalim at tumango. "You're not ready to hear it. That's okay. I can handle waiting."
Parang kalabit ang mga sinabi niyang 'yon. I knew I already told myself I'd let this play out kaya hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang lakas ko para sabihin ang mga sunod na sinabi ko.
Suddenly my emotions were overflowing into intractable words.
I faced him fully, looking at him directly in the eye.
"I'm confused, Racel. You're confusing me. Stop acting differently toward me, please. Kasi kahit mukha akong ganito, babae pa rin ako. I might misunderstand. Friends may do this pero alam naman natin na hindi 'to normal friendship lang."
He studied me deeply with those penetrating eyes. I felt bare under his close scrutiny.
"Misunderstand it for what?" tanong niya. "For what, Javee?"
Hindi ako sumagot. I let my eyes tell everything. Alam niya. Alam kong alam niya kung ano ang tinutukoy ko.
He took a step closer to search my eyes. I instinctively stepped backward.
"Then misunderstand. I want you to misunderstand," he said in a whisper. Tumindig ang mga balahibo ko sa napapaos niyang boses. "Because what you're thinking is true. I want you to know, to assure you, about my intentions but you're not ready. As it is, I'm taking this slow. I'm waiting."
Intense emotion flickered on his face. Sa sobrang intense ng mga mata niya, napatingin ako sa malayo. Anywhere but him.
Natatakot ako sa nakikita kong mga emosyon because they seemed to reflect mine. Natatakot akong harapin ang mga 'yon.
Heavy silence enveloped us.
"Aren't you afraid my brothers might find out about us?" I asked quietly.
"No."
"They might hurt you."
"I don't care."
I sighed. "What are you trying to do with me?"
He cocked his head to the side, eyes still on me.
"The real question is, what are you doing to me?"
Lumingon ako pabalik sa kanya.
"Why? What am I doing to you?"
He averted his gaze. "Kung alam mo lang."
Awkward silence crept in again. Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasagutin 'yon. As always, he rendered me speechless again.
I was about to say something—anything to break the awkward silence—when Racel suddenly checked his watch. Then he spoke up.
"Are you going home after this?"
"Babalik pa ako sa campus."
"I'll take you there."
I was going to open my mouth to protest but the expression of defeat and hope on his face made me pause.
"Hindi ako lalabas. I don't want you to commute. Please give me this."
"Okay," I conceded.
We ambled toward the parking in silence. Nagbago na ang atmosphere sa pagitan namin. Kung kanina light lang 'yon, now it was heavy and stifling.
My fault, I guess, for bringing up a sensitive topic na iiwasan ko rin naman pala sa dulo.
I tried to lighten up the situation. Hindi ko kasi matiis ang tensyon.
"You know what I hate about you?" pabirong sabi ko.
The question seemed to take him by surprise.
I wrinked my nose. "Ang tangkad mo, sobra. People have been staring. Kanina pa."
"Ignore them. You'll get used to it."
Tumawa ako but it sounded off in my ears. "Must feel great though. They're pretty girls naman."
"Not really. I only have eyes for one girl and it's not good if she's jealous."
That shut me up. Now what?
"Faithful, huh," nasabi ko na lang.
Narating na namin ang sasakyan niya. Pinatunog niya 'yon at pinagbuksan ako ng pinto. I climbed in wordlessly.
"Are you jealous though?" he asked when he climbed into the driver's seat.
"No?"
Ngumisi siya. "Sayang."
Pinaandar na niya ang sasakyan. Mabilis lang ang naging byahe namin, dahil na rin sa mga nilusutan niyang shortcuts. By my instruction, he parked sa bandang malayo sa Intersci.
Before I stepped out of his car, his hand wrapped around my wrist gently. Then he pulled me closer to him.
I gasped when I felt his lips, soft and warm, on my forehead.
He pulled back, a handsome steady half smile occupying his face.
"I tried to stop it but I can't," he told me. "But you don't have to worry. Hindi kita pipilitin. I'm okay with friendship."
Nakatulala akong bumaba ako sa BMW niya. Sa sobrang paghataw ng puso ko, hindi ko na napansin ang pag-alis niya.
I think . . . I think hindi na lang basta simpleng crush kung ano man 'tong nararamdaman ko.
And hoshet. I think he felt the same.