The Assistant

Epilogue

The Assistant Epilogue: Small Bump

My eyes were raw and I was so exhausted I kept having to remind myself just to breathe. I hadn’t been sure. I’d known for weeks but I couldn’t be positive. Not until today. Now it was official. How did we even get here? Hadn’t we jumped enough hurdles? Dodged enough bullets? Sacrificed enough? I buried my head in my hands and tried not to cry again. I’d done nothing but that since ten o’clock this morning. I just needed him to come home. But I was terrified of him walking through that door.

I wasn’t worried about me. I could handle this. I was ready for this. His age had been such a non-issue for so long that I’d almost completely forgotten about it but now it was flashing in my head. Calling me an idiot. How could you ruin his life like this? He’s a child. You’re a grown woman. His entire life was happening, right now. And you were about to sweep the rug out from under him. That’s all that was running through my head as the doctors words replayed in my head.

Twelve weeks.

My mind searched through our nights together. Twelve weeks ago. My instincts pulled me to the night and I knew that had to be it.

We’d walked home from dinner. The air had been perfectly clean and crisp and Hampstead felt so safe. Somehow the photogs weren’t out and we were allowed this moment of privacy. I’d held his hand with both of mine and rest my chin on his shoulder. He’d kissed my forehead and fixed my coat around my throat to keep the cool air off my neck. God, I loved him. For those small things that most grown men didn’t think of but he did.

We moved slow through the house. Taking our coats off in the kitchen. Kicking our shoes off by the couch. He’d laid down on the couch and grabbed my wrist, pulling me on top of him. I’d moved his hair from his forehead and traced the features of his face the way I loved doing. We’d been living together for a couple months now. It was hard not to do things for him that fit my previous job description. Getting his dry cleaning. His coffee. Making sure he had everything he needed before leaving the house. Running over his schedule with him. But he’d smile at me and remind me that I wasn’t his Assistant anymore and he’d kiss my nose and I’d laugh at myself and remember I was just his girlfriend.

We kissed for so long that night. Letting our entire bodies feel it. Our legs tangled together. His fingers wrapped in my hair as my hand rest on his cheek. When I’d finally sat up, straddling his hips, he’d looked up at me so warm. Everything in those green eyes. I’d unbuttoned his dress shirt carefully, pressed my palm flat to his heart and trailed it down his stomach.

I’d pulled my dress over my head and slid my hand around his neck to the curls at the nape when he sat up and smoothed his palms across my back. He’d turned his mouth to my ear, tucked my hair back and whispered that he loved me. I’d closed my eyes and let my memory take me back over our entire history together. The look in his eyes when we’d met. The burn of his hand on my knee when I’d finally let myself be attracted to him. The slickness of his lips against mine for the first time. The day I’d spent mapping out every inch of his skin. Connecting myself to him. The bathroom where we’d laid out all of our cards and made love to each other. The day I’d given up everything but him. The best decision I’d ever made.

We’d maneuvered and adjusted but stayed wrapped in each other. When he’d lifted me in his lap and lowered me down slowly, my entire body seemed to sigh at the feeling of having him inside me. We’d been together just that morning but I needed him all the time. I loved him so much that it was the only time I truly felt like I could fully express it. By connecting myself physically to him.

I’d pulled his shirt off his shoulder and pressed my mouth to it, breathing against his skin and clinging to his bicep as he pulled and I pushed. I clung to the back of the couch and held his face in my other hand. He let me take control, rolling over him as he slid both of his hands across my cheeks and kissed me, pulling my face away and looking me in the eyes. I’d moved my hand from the back of the couch and anchored it around his head. I couldn’t let go of him. I felt that if I did, I’d float away. I felt like I weighed nothing more than a feather.

“Harry—” I breathed out so lightly the sound barely brushed his lips. I think I could feel the weight of it all in that moment. I’d stilled for a moment, too overwhelmed. He’d wrapped his arm around me and tightened his fingers on the back of my head.

“Don’t stop, love,” he’d urged gently, moving me over him. Filling me so completely. His body. His love. All of it was wrapped around me until I was nothing but another part of him and he another part of me. Seemed fitting now.

His eyes had squeezed closed and I’d felt him stir inside me but he held back, not wanting this moment between us to end. My movements grew a little more urgent as I felt my insides spark and light and rush together in my center. Our hearts racing against each other. We clung to each other as if we were trying to crawl under each others skin completely. When he came, nothing but his breathing and the small catch in his throat gave him away. He’d held his breath for a few seconds before gasping it out and burying his face in the crook of my neck.

Afterwards he’d laid me back on the cushions, kissing my stomach and further as I lazily moved my fingers through his hair. Every now and again he loved going down on me afterwards. Tasting the heady mix of both of our releases on my skin. Taking his time and relishing in how sensitive I always was. His hand grazing over my stomach to my heart, laying flat there to feel my heart against his palm, responding to every lick and nip. He’d gripped my bottom and pressed his tongue deep inside me. I’d whimpered and arched under his skilled tongue. I never wanted him to stop. The moments afterwards when I no longer had the feel of his skin against me was always the greatest tragedy of my entire day.

In the present, I chewed my already destroyed fingernails until I tasted blood. When I heard his key in the door I felt like my entire world stopped for a second. The air stilled. My heart stopped beating. Even the blood in my veins froze. Until everything rushed in and my ears started ringing and my heart thundered in my chest like it was threatening to break my ribcage but the minute I saw him, it all calmed. As if a little voice in my head was telling me, everything was going to be alright. This was Harry. He loved me more than I could ever imagine someone could love me. Even in his sleep he’d nuzzle into my side, his hand finding mine under the covers.

I took in a deep breath and for the first time, allowed myself to slide my hand across my stomach and accept that something lived beneath my skin. Something that was equal parts him and me. Something that in that moment, I began to love tremendously.

“Ugh,” he proclaimed, sticking his tongue out in mock exhaustion and shutting the door, hanging up his keys and kicking off his shoes. “Everyone had major sticks up their asses today. It sucked,” he vented while I stared at him and held my secret under my palm. “First, Louis didn’t like the chorus arrangement so he bitched about that for an hour,” Harry sat next to me on the couch, leaning over against me until I laid back and let him rest with his back to me. I lay my arm over his shoulder, my hand resting on his chest as he scratched his nails across the back of my hand while my other hand took off his beanie and played with his hair. “Zayn was doing his lovely quiet, fuck-the-world thing we all love so very much. It was just not a very productive day in the studio.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” I kissed the top of his head as he drew lazy circles against my thigh.

“I’m just happy to be home. I missed you.” Harry leaned his head back and kissed the curve of my jaw and I felt so fragile then. My eyes welling up to the point where I had to cover my face with my hand. Harry shifted, turning and facing me. I could feel his concern all around me, I didn’t need to see his face. “What’s wrong?”

I felt his fingers around my wrist, trying to uncover my face. I startled him when I moved my hand, taking his face and looking at him, at his worry.

“I have to tell you something….”

“You can tell me anything.”

“Its just…please don’t hate me. Please, don’t be mad at me,” I begged, so afraid that I was about to ruin his life.

“I could never hate you…what’s going on?”

I wasn’t sure I could say it. Suddenly my tongue was so heavy I wasn’t sure if I could get it to move at all. So instead, I reached into my back pocket and slid the black and white wobbly image out and handed it to him with a large exhale and a hiccup of tears.

His brow pulled in, his lips pouting with confusion as he took the picture from me and turned it over in his hand so the image was facing him. His eyes searched it over for several excruciatingly quiet seconds before he sat up, my legs scissored around his waist. He examined the picture silently as I held to his forearm with both of my hands just to feel like he was within my reach.

“Harry, say something. Please.”

“I thought you were on the pill,” he stated simply.

“I am…I just…haven’t been as on time with it as I should be. My schedule is so different now, I kept forgetting to take it at the same time every day.”

He nodded but didn’t take his eyes off the picture. I wasn’t even sure if he could see it. It’d took me several moments to find it myself. I knew the exact moment he found it, the small peanut slightly off center. His thumb grazed over it and his eyes glassed over so quickly he couldn’t stop a drop from escaping his lid and running down his cheek.

“Holy shit…” he breathed out and I sat up next to him, wrapping my legs around him and my arms around his head, kissing his temple and petting back his hair.

“I’m sorry, baby. This is my fault….I’m so sor—” I stopped talking when he turned his face and looked at me.

“Stop.” He shook his head and cupped my cheek, rubbing my tears away with his thumb even though he had far more than me. I brushed them away with my knuckles. I couldn’t stand to see him cry.

“You’re not mad?”

“No…shocked. But not mad….how could I be mad?” He looked back at the picture and his chin pulled in and trembled. “This is real?”

I pressed my forehead to his cheek and closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath. “Yea, babe…it’s real.”

He released a gust of air through his lips and laughed for a short moment through his tears. “It looks like a little bean,” he tilted his head and I looked to the sonogram. At the beginning of our child. Something that was growing by the day inside of me. “Are you scared?” he asked quietly. I nodded against his shoulder and sniffed.

“Terrified.”

“We can do this….I know it.”

I sighed and pressed my lips to his cheek, hugging his body tight to my chest. “I love you so much. I know its too soon. I know you’re so young but…I’m happy it’s you. You’re gonna be amazing, Harry.”

He dug his pointer and thumb into his eyes and took another deep breath but instead of calming him it seemed to unravel him. He crossed his arms over his face and bent forward, resting against his knees. I felt his back tremble and knew he was crying fully now. Letting the weight of it all hit him. I moved behind him and hugged his back, pressing my lips to the back of his neck.

I knew he needed this moment to let it all sink in. To accept it. That when he lifted his head he’d be fine. I just needed to be there for him during this. I needed to hold him while he broke. Be the glue that put him back together again so he could be the man I knew he was. My partner. The love of my life. A father. I could be his rock right now because I knew he would always be mine.

(Two weeks later)

I sat up in bed looking over my paper work for a new client I was bringing into my PR firm while Harry rest his head on my bare stomach, my shirt rolled up under my breasts, as he read a copy of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and listened to his iPod through ear buds. He never let my stomach be covered these days. Always pushing my shirt up and running his hand across the surface. The bump was so tiny most people couldn’t notice it but he knew my body well.

The first few days after he’d found out were tense. Both of us hyper emotional and easily triggered. But one day he’d come home from the studio and sat down across from me at the table. I had paper work spread out everywhere and barely even looked up at him. Looking at him was only causing me to break at this point. But a pair of the smallest white Chuck Taylors I’d ever seen were set in front of me and I felt something kick inside my chest. I looked up at him and he looked so…peaceful.

“I saw those when I went to get lunch…”

I stared at him, my eyes brimming over. I moved from my seat to his lap and held his face, kissed him and finally felt like we were gonna survive this. Just like we survived everything. He’d kissed over my heart and bent his head to move my shirt and kiss my stomach, placing his palm to the spot. From that moment on, he’d become obsessed with it.

Kissing it, touching it, cuddling up to it. When he’d talk to it, my heart would melt and over flow inside my chest. He was convinced that my belly button was his direct line to the baby and would press his lips to it and speak quietly, trying to keep the conversation between just him and the little person growing inside me but I could hear him. Conspiring to team up against me. Telling it how much he loved it and how he couldn’t wait to meet it. Telling it bad jokes. All of it made me love him more and I wasn’t sure it was possible.

He pulled an earbud from his ear and opened his mouth but paused over his words. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for him to comment on something he was reading but not taking my eyes off my papers.

“Did you know that the music you listen to while you’re pregnant can help shape the babies development when it’s born? Like it…stimulates their mind.”

“I read that somewhere.”

“Don’t play our stuff…that kid will end up repeating first form.”

I snorted and shook my head. “You don’t want it to hear it’s daddy sing?”

“Sure…but our lyrics aren’t exactly Shakespearian.”

“Thou doth desire to remain awake all eve,” I teased and he erupted, snapping his hand over his mouth to trap the sound but his whole body was shaking. “Mommy got the dad to shake, the dad to shake…” I mimicked the song, poking his arm and he put the book over his face and gathered himself. I pushed the book off his face and put my palm in its place. He knocked it away and flipped to his stomach, pecking the small peak of my belly. He placed his loose earbud into my belly button and turned the volume up on his iPod. He rest his head under the shelf of my breasts and traced light circles against my stomach as he softly began to sing the lyrics to I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.

I closed my eyes and lay my hand on top of his head. I listened to him even though the words weren’t meant for me. His voice was the sweetest sound. A perfect lullaby. With my eyes closed I could imagine him with our child in his gentle hands. Singing it love songs while it’s tiny fingers wrap around his and look into his eyes.

“Take my hand…take my whole life too. Cause I can’t help falling in love with you,” his voice was a calm soothing lull and I felt a push of love for him surge through me. Like what we’d created inside me was letting me know just how in love with it’s daddy it already was. That it could hear him. When he finished a hot tear leaked down from the corner of my eye as he placed a long peck to my stomach, as if if he pressed his lips there long enough it would absorb into my skin and rest on the lips of our child.

I knew then I was done. That this was my happy ending. Him. Our life. Our family. It was all I needed.

(One Week Later) 

Harry’s POV

A full head of curls and her eyes, a beautiful mixture of the two of us. Curled into my side with it’s tiny hand clinging to my thumb. I could smell the warm milk and soft scent of soap. Could feel it’s tiny frame against my chest but I knew it wasn’t there. I knew that I was dreaming. I was still months away from meeting my child but every night in my dreams I held it. I counted it’s tiny pink toes and kissed it’s fingers. I listened to it coo in my arms. It may have been growing inside of her but every night when I slept it lived inside of me.

But tonight was different. Tonight I couldn’t hear it when it made it’s soft little noises. I couldn’t smell the top of it’s head when I pressed my nose against it’s brown curls. I couldn’t feel it’s weight in my arms until I couldn’t even see it. I held nothing. I jolted awake, sitting up and gasping as if waking up from a nightmare.

I rubbed my eyes and moved my hand to find her in the bed next to me but I felt nothing until my hand grazed a warm wet spot on the bed. I pulled my hand in front of my face and saw something dark against my fingers. I reached for the bedside lamp and clicked it on and felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach.

Blood.

A small circle of it on the sheets and now on my hand. I tried to find my voice but my throat was dry. I managed to get enough sound out to call her name but she didn’t answer. I threw myself out of bed when I saw the sliver of light under the bathroom door. I knocked, my hand shaking with the blood still on it.

“Harry…I’m—-just give me a second,” her voice was trembling and the tone was terrifying me.

“Open the door.”

“In a minute,” I could hear the tears in her voice and I needed to get to her. I strongly considered breaking down the door but my logic won out and I checked the door knob, finding it unlocked. I opened the door but she slammed it closed before I could get in, throwing the lock.

“Babe?”

“Harry don’t! Just give me a minute.”

“Why is there blood on the sheets?”

“I….it’s fine.”

“Please open the door,” I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I shook the door handle and dropped my forehead to the wood with a soft thud. There was silence on the other side and that scared me more than the tone of her voice. I heard the sink turn on and waited.

“God damn it—” her voice had a tinge of panic to it and it only sparked my anxiety worse.

“Fuck! Open the door!” I punched the door, my adrenaline beginning to course through me insanely fast.

After a few more quiet seconds I heard the lock click and she opened the door. Her whole body was shaking and her face was ghost white. I felt my mouth part, my eyes widen at the sight of her. Her hand was pressed to her stomach.

“I don’t know what’s wrong…I won’t stop bleeding.”

I sucked in a breath through my nose and gathered my scattered thoughts that were running wild in my head. “We need to get you to hospital.”

She broke in front of me. Her body racked with sobs. I pulled her to me, cradled her against me and pressed my lips to her hair.

“Harry, I’m so scared.”

“Shhh, it’ll be alright. Let me get dressed and we’ll go. I’m sure it’s nothing.” I didn’t believe my own words as I spoke them but I had to or I wouldn’t be able to get myself out the door. I made myself go numb even though my hands were shaking like mad and my stomach was threatening to make me sick. I pulled on a jumper and jeans and slipped her arms into one of my zip ups. I kept her close to my side as I grabbed my car keys and brought her to the car. Tucking her inside carefully and circling around the back of the car where I could brace my hand on the trunk and heave. I steadied myself for a moment. My eyes watering and my stomach desperately wanting to empty itself but I wouldn’t let anything come up.

I got in the car and tried to drive safely but I ran several stop signs and didn’t so much as glance at how fast I was going. I held her hand as she clung to me with both of hers. She cried out, a pain seeming to shoot through her abdomen as she clutched to it and brought her knees up. I swerved and swore under my breath, righting the car in the lane.

“Are you alright? What’s going on?”

“It hurts, Harry. What’s happening?” She was hysterical and so pale her lips had lost all of their color.

“I don’t know….I don’t know,” I mumbled to myself, not letting go of her hand or letting myself think about what I knew was happening.

I whipped into the Emergency lane and parked my car, leaving my door wide open and the keys still in the ignition as I sped around the front of the car and pulled her door open, helping her out carefully. Her legs buckling under her at a new wave of pain, forcing me to support her as she dug her nails into my hand.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Breathe. Please, breathe.” I tried to calm her down but I could feel the wetness on my cheeks and knew that even though I was trying to play it tough, I was breaking.

An ER nurse ran through the doors after seeing us from the windows and helped me steady her. “I don’t—I don’t know what’s wrong,” I couldn’t recognize my voice as my chin shook and the nurse pulled her from my arms.

“We’ve got her, love. Come inside.” The nurse coaxed but my feet stayed glued to the spot. I pushed my hand into the front of my hair and felt like I was standing on the edge of the end of the world. I’d never seen her so scared. Never felt like we were in a situation that I couldn’t handle but I wasn’t prepared for something like this.

Somehow I made it into the waiting room but I couldn’t remember getting there. I couldn’t go with her because we weren’t married or related. She was carrying my child but I had to wait. There was paper work to be filled out but I couldn’t focus on it. My hand shook too hard to hold the pen and when the front nurse saw how wet the papers were getting from the tears spilling from my eyes she sat next to me and took my hand.

“You don’t need to do that now,” she told me, rubbing my back and taking the clip board from me. My hands were quaking as I shielded my face with them and tried to remind myself to breathe. The thought of her in a hospital room alone was breaking my heart. I pulled at the collar of my jumper, feeling like I was suffocating.

In my head, it was always a little girl. Beautiful and perfect. I already knew that hearing her cry would turn my world upside down. That just the sound would make me want to do everything I could to make sure she never cried again. I’d let myself imagine her tiny foot in the palm of my hand, barely covering half of the surface. I’d pictured us teaching her to walk, holding her small hands as she teetered and stumbled but she would know that we had her. That she could trust us with her life. She wouldn’t be scared.

My dreams were so vivid that sometimes I swore I could feel her tiny body between us in bed. I even found myself being careful not to jostle her when I’d move but it was absurd because she wasn’t even in the world yet and I knew now, in this obscenely bright sterile waiting room, that she’d never be here. I took in a breath and released it with a pained noise that I didn’t even realize came from me.

I felt like days passed when really it was hardly an hour. The front nurse didn’t leave my side. She was a small comfort but I felt selfish for having her because I didn’t know who was back there with her. Who was taking care of her?

When the ER doctor came out and found me, leading me back out through the sliding doors to where my car still sat running with the drivers door wide open, I couldn’t hear a word he said. I knew he was talking cause I watched his mouth move but the words he was saying didn’t make sense. She was healthy. We’d done everything right.

He used the phrases, “These things happen,’ and “I’m so sorry for your loss,” but I still didn’t react. I barely blinked. When he finally lead me back to her a nurse was helping her out of the bed and getting her back into her shoes and my zip-up. I watched, feeling completely disconnected from all of it. As if I was watching it on a TV and it wasn’t someone I loved.

Her face. As if someone had erased her. All the spark and joy and fire I fell in love with was nowhere to be seen. She stared at the same spot of dirt on the floor as the nurses put her back together. She was still so pale.

Both of us were zombies as I helped her out and back to the car. I buckled her seat belt for her while she stared out the windshield, her hands palm up and trembling in her lap. I drove home much slower, pulling into the car park as we both stared at the house in front of us. It felt haunted now.

“How did this happen?” Her voice was emotionless and she didn’t move.

“I don’t know,” I felt as if someone else was answering her. I didn’t feel like I was in my body at all.

Without a word she opened the door and I hurried out to help her. She winced and gripped my arm, showing her first sign of actual feeling since we’d left and it tugged at something inside me that threatened to unravel me. I lead her inside and to the guest room, knowing she wouldn’t want to crawl back into our bed. I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be able to sleep in there again.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” I checked with her but she only stared off at the wall as if she couldn’t hear me at all. I pet her cheek but felt more of myself come undone at the touch so I pulled away and went to our room. Without looking at the soiled sheets I pulled them off and took them outside to the bins, shoving them inside. I felt my heart accelerate and my breathing go ragged. My head began to swim and my vision blurred as I pushed the sheets into the bins as hard as I could.

I backed away from them as if they were about to attack me, panting and clenching my fists at my sides. I shook my head, trying to stop myself from feeling this but it was pointless. I couldn’t stay numb. My chest felt empty. Like my heart was left somewhere back at the hospital.

“Fuck,” I gasped out, going down on my knee and hanging my head, trying to keep myself from being sick. I felt the bile rise up my throat even though I was forcing it down. I lurched forward, my hand smacking to the pavement of my car park and the vile burning liquid retching out of me in violent bursts that I could hardly catch my breath over. I gasped for air then felt another wave hit me that brought me to all fours.

I panted after I was done, wiping my mouth off on the back of my hand and pushing myself up on my trembling legs. I stumbled along the side of my house, feeling lost. This didn’t seem fair. It’d all only been real to me for a few weeks and now, it was gone. I’d let myself want it so badly that it was all I could think about. Losing it hadn’t even been an option.

I braced my hands against the side of my house and coughed. My denial breaking into sadness which quickly formed into anger as I grit my teeth and wound my arm back, punching my hand into the brick and splitting my knuckles wide open. I didn’t feel it. I couldn’t feel anything but the emptiness.

I couldn’t leave her in there alone so I forced myself to straighten up and go back inside. She was still staring off into nothing. I leaned in the door way, watching her for any signs of life. My hand began to sting and my mouth tasted sour.

“Why did this happen to us?” Her voice was toneless but her own question broke her out of her robotic state and I wasn’t sure I could watch her break like that again. I crawled over her and bear hugged her to my chest, holding her hands in mine and squeezing her tighter than I ever had. She couldn’t feel alone. Not after she’d been alone at the hospital and in the bathroom. She had to know I was there. She had to know that this had been ripped out of me too.

Waves of sobs coursed through her as I pursed my lips against her ear and tried to calm her but the thought crept into my mind that I was only holding her, not her and our child. The comfort I’d felt the last couple weeks when I’d wrapped her in my arms and known it was my only way of holding them both was gone. I buried my head in her neck and broke with her.

She turned in my arms and we wrapped ourselves around each other so tight it almost hurt. I wanted to take it all away from her. Not let her feel even a minute of this pain. The way I felt was crippling and I knew it had to be worse for her and the thought of that was ripping me apart. I would do anything if it meant she’d never feel a second of pain or sadness for the rest of her life. I’d give her every part of me, if it meant it would put her back together again.

I wasn’t sure what came next. I’d barely prepared for the idea of her having our child but the idea of her not having it now was too much to bare. How were we supposed to come back from this? How do you mourn the loss of something you never even held in your hands?

Everything seemed less important to me now. The only thing that mattered was her. I knew that once our grief finally pulled us into a restless sleep, that when we woke up my one and only goal would be to bring her back to me. To make her smile. To hear her laugh. To find a way to put back what tonight had taken away from us.

I had to find a way to make her whole again.

(One month later)

I watched him cut the vegetables for our stir fry, pausing every few dices to stare at the small box sticking out of my purse before distracting himself with the preparations once more. I knew he wanted to ask. I knew that he was more than aware that I’d been to the doctor today but we’d avoided this subject. It hurt too much to bring up. We’d done everything medically necessary to recuperate from our loss but now we had to find a way to heal the gapping holes in our chests. Losing something you didn’t even know you wanted to begin with was a new territory for us. I felt like we were always battling something. That we were never allowed to just be still.

“It’s my birth control, Harry,” I finally spoke up, getting sick of his constant pausing and staring.

“I know that,” his eyes were back on the zucchini as he tried to play it cool. “So everything’s good then?”

“He said everything is back in working order. Yea.”

Harry nodded and scooped the diced veg into his hands, tossing it into the wok that was already heated on the stove. He gripped the wok’s handle and tossed it’s contents around, evenly distributing it.

“Are you okay?” I asked because I felt like he wasn’t asked that enough. Not from me at least. I’d been too wrapped in myself lately to really understand how everything was effecting him. Louis had been coming by a lot. Just to hang out or bring a bottle of something strong to help distract him. I could see the helplessness all across his face. He wanted to help but he had no idea how. This wasn’t an area he was familiar with.

“I’m fine.”

“Haz,” I got off my stool and came around the counter, scratching my nails up his back before wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging myself to him. “You can talk to me.”

“Can you grab some plates?” He ignored the subject matter all together and I sighed, squeezing him for a second before going to set the table. I knew he’d talk when he was ready but more than anything, I just wanted to hear his voice. I felt like we’d been so silent with each other lately. So distant. I felt too far from him even though he slept right next to me.

We couldn’t have sex. We barely kissed. I felt like pieces of me were scattered everywhere and he was the only person that could put me back together but he wasn’t whole either. The emptiness I felt wasn’t just because of our loss but because of my loss of him.

He served us dinner and we picked at the plates quietly. I was sure the silence would swallow me whole but then he cleared his voice and I looked up at him. Anxious. Waiting for him to speak.

“Have you started taking it yet?” He didn’t look up from his plate, immediately shoveling another mouthful in after he spoke.

“Not yet. I was going to after dinner.”

Quiet again, but I waited. I watched his tongue lay out across his bottom lip as he took another bite and found myself missing it. Needing it’s silken warmth. I was scared that after all of this I wouldn’t be able to want him like I used to but now more than ever I needed him. Just to feel like we were still a part of the other.

“What if….you didn’t?”

I didn’t understand what he was saying. I pulled down my brow and pushed my food around the plate.

“What do you mean?”

“What if you didn’t take it?”

“What if I didn’t take my pill?” I had to make sure I was hearing him right because he sounded crazy to me.

“Yea,” his answer was so simple yet the wait of it was so incredibly loaded it filled the room.

“Then I’d probably get pregnant again….”

He looked up at me now and I thought to myself that I would never get used to the color of his eyes. He said nothing. He just looked at me and I could see in his eyes what he wasn’t saying. What he meant. What he wanted, and it broke my heart.

I pushed back my chair and went to him, pushing his plate away and sitting on the table in front of him, moving his hair back from his face and stroking his cheek. He held my thighs and closed his eyes, sighing through his nose and laying his face between my legs, kissing the inside corner of my knee.

“Look at me,” I coaxed, curling my finger under his chin and urging his eyes back to mine. “I love you so much…I can’t even fathom it all. And…what we went through, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But we can’t. If this taught me anything it’s that it’s not the right time. You’re still so young. Your career is still soaring. I’m just picking up my firm. You’re gonna be so busy this next year and I know you, baby…you’re gonna want to spend every moment with us when that time comes. But it’s not now. You know it isn’t. You are gonna be a beautiful father someday…but right now we’re just trying to replace something we lost but we can’t. It’s irreplaceable.”

“I just…..I ache,” he looked up at me and pressed his hand to his chest. To his heart that I knew was far from mending. His eyes brimming with tears that I never wanted to see him cry again but I felt them sting my eyes too.

“I know, baby. I do too. But we have to find a way to be happy again.”

Harry pulled me carefully from the table until I was straddling his lap and circled his arms around me tight. I pressed my face into his neck and breathed him in, felt the heat of his skin against my lips. We would be okay. I knew we would. We were strong people on our own but together, we were a force. The only reason I was handling this all as well as I could was because I knew I had him at the end of the day. I knew he’d never leave. I’d never have to experience the total loss of him. And I knew that someday…when the time was right, that we’d make another life together. That we’d plan for it and give it everything. I was content in knowing that it wasn’t going to be now. And I was content in knowing that, even though we’d never met our baby, it knew us and loved us. I felt it every day.

“Baby?” I breathed across his neck, pulling back and pressing my forehead to his. “I want to be with you. I need you.”

“I don’t want to rush it,” he pet his knuckles against my cheek and I could hear a tinge of fear in his voice.

“We’re not. I feel like I’m coming apart. I need to feel you again. Please…make love to me. Please.” I was that girl again. With her smeared make up, clinging to him in a bathroom with her heart in her hands. Needing him to show me that I would never be without him. Needing to know that it was always going to be him and I. And he was the boy that I always knew I could depend on. He didn’t know how to let me down.

He pressed his lips to mine and I held to his ear and whimpered at the familiar feel. When his tongue swept gently across my lips, parting them and coming together with mine, I felt every emotion I’d been denying myself for the past month. I felt like I was waking up from a nightmare to learn that he’d had the same one and that he understood completely without any words. We kissed deeply, his arm scooping under me to lift us from his chair. He didn’t disconnect his mouth from mine as we traveled to the couch and he lay us back on the plush cushions.

I lay beneath him, just feeling the weight of him. Kneading my hands into his back and feeling the pressure of his fingers as they held to my hips. Our kiss crescendoed and I slowly felt his apprehension begin to fade. I tried to put myself back in the skin of the woman who’s robe he’d folded open and who’s skin he’d devoured with his eyes. The confidence I’d felt being that girl. The high of our first encounter and how far we’d come since then.

I pulled his shirt off and traced my fingertips against his pink lips, followed the line of his eyebrow and dragged my knuckles down his smooth jaw. We both worked to undress me. Peeling off my t-shirt, wiggling me out of my jeans and removing my underwear. He kissed my neck, dragging his tongue on the curve and laying his lips behind my ear. I closed my eyes, wanting to feel nothing but him.

His hands ghosted along my sides as his mouth travelled down the center of me, to my collarbone, my heart, my breasts. When he reached my stomach he stilled, the tip of his nose barely touching my skin as his curls dangled there. I could feel his breathing, heavy as if he was holding back tears again.

“It’s okay,” I coaxed softly, running my hands through his hair. Finally he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to my belly. He held himself there for several moments before skimming his lips down and pressing them again below my navel. He kissed both of my inner thighs, nuzzling his lips between my folds and and grazing them against me before ever giving me his tongue. He licked his lips before hooking his arm under my hip and burying himself in the very core of me. I sucked in a breath and pressed a flat palm to the arm of the couch.

He was going so deep, sweeping his tongue against the length of me, dipping it inside me, gliding it across my most sensitive spots. Wanting me to feel him. To surround myself with him. Knowing it’s what I needed. I needed to feel wanted. Sexy. Like a woman again. Not an empty shell like I had been.

He pulled his mouth away, licking his fingers and rubbing them across me, placing a soft gentle kiss to my clit before slipping one then two fingers inside me. I sucked in a breath and and swirled my finger in the curl that was always pressed to his left temple. I tried not to think about this couch and what we’d made together here. I tried to let that memory be something beautifully tragic about our past and I tried to hold to this moment. The moment where we found our way to each other again. Where we reminded each other that no matter what, we’d still have the other.

“Harry—” I breathed, panting and needing so much more of him. “now,” was all I could say but I didn’t even need to say it. He knew exactly what I needed. With his fingers still snug inside me, pumping slowly and curling against my walls, he pulled his lips back to mine. I had him out of his jeans in seconds and in the palm of my hand. Bringing him to life, bringing him back to me.

I brought him to my entrance and he sunk into me and we both exhaled and closed our eyes. I braced myself on him as his mouth rest on the crook of my shoulder. I brushed his hair back from his ear and pushed my hips up tighter to his, needing every inch of him inside me.

“I love you so much, baby,” I hated the pain in my voice but I couldn’t help it. I’d felt love before but not like this. Not in this consuming way where I didn’t even feel like I was on this earth unless I was touching him.

He brought his face to mine, our noses touching, our lips grazed. “I love you too. I love you—” I nodded because I already knew. I never doubted it. He slipped back and then pushed deep again and I felt my cracks and broken bits fuse together slowly. With each thrust, with each kiss, with each squeeze of his hand and breath down my neck, he was fixing me.

I brought my leg around him as his fingers brushed through my hair and his forehead lay against my cheek. I listened to him make small gentle noises. Lifting his hips up, he took my hips in his hand and rolled me up to him and I felt nothing but pleasure.

“Oh God, Harry. Don’t stop doing that. It feels so good.”

I let him manipulate me from under him until it grew too much for him and lay my hips back down on the cushions and drove himself so deep inside me that the couch springs groaned at the pressure. I dug my nails into his bicep and moaned. I was happy that he wasn’t treating me like he could break me. That he knew what I could handle. If he dealt with me like I was this fragile little doll then it’s exactly how I’d feel and he knew I needed to feel strong.

“God, I missed you,” he groaned and my blood sparked in my veins. Knowing had ever made me feel as wanted as he did. As special to him.

He alternated his pace. Giving me the slow, dipping wave that made me purr and the deep, strong thrusting that I craved. Our bodies were burning for release. It’d been too long so we found ourselves reaching the finish rather quickly. When he felt it closing in on his he pulled back slightly to watch between us as he maneuvered me slightly. Angling my hips down and positioning himself so that he’d glide across my clit and have to dip up to fill me to my very center. I gasped a pleasured noise and clung to his shoulders. It only took seconds for this position to pull me away from reality and leave me floating and spinning in an alternate universe. One with no pain or bad memories. One with only him and this light and his warmth.

“I love the way you sound,” he whispered across my lips as I came around him and within seconds he was following. Leaving everything he had deep inside me.

He rest over me, the bridge of his nose tucked under my chin as I stroked his back and felt myself. Felt normal for the first time in the longest month of my life.

“You’re the rest of my life….you know that, right?” His voice was sleepy and warm and his words filled the seams of my broken heart.

“I’m so happy you couldn’t sleep that night,” I referred to our first night together. When his insomnia had led him to my door and subsequently to my bed. The sexiest night of my entire life that, at the moment, I’d had no idea would lead to this.

He smiled and the pull of his lips felt amazing against my neck. I found his dimple with my finger and smiled with him because I knew that everything was going to be alright. That there was nothing we couldn’t survive.

That he was my one and only.