I opened my eyes with a groan, the feeling of a soft pillow under my right cheek as my chest pressed against the matress. I could feel my back exposed to the cool morning air, or what I assumed was morning, and sighed before pushing myself up on my elbows. My head had a slight ache to it, hardly hung over but still enough to be bothered by the sunlight and I had a strange feel on my skin, a mild discomfort. Rubbing my eyes, I turned my head to see Cj lying right next to me, his delicate eyes closed as his hair lay disheveled on his head. His pink lips were lightly parted as he slept and the sight of them flooded memories into my mind like a rapid river that violently crashed against the rocks and drowned unsuspecting rafters. My eyes went wide and I realized how dirty my skin felt, my stomach twisting disgustingly as my chest compressed.
I had sex with Cj...
It wasn't only the fact that it happened that freaked me out, but that it happened less than 20 minutes or so after I had sex with Erin. What kind of person does that?! It's so incredibly wrong, and I could already feel guilt ushering in as I flipped around and sat up. The movement must've woken Cj because he stirred and yawned beside me, propping himself up on his elbow as I ran a hand through my hair, my skin feeling icky and slathered with dirt.
"Kyler..."
"Shower." I quickly excused, the sound of his voice sending my nerves into a frenzy as I hopped out of bed and grabbed some clothes, promptly shutting the bathroom door behind myself.
I stared at the door for a while in anticipation of something, perhaps the peanut gallery coming to shake their heads at my bad decisions. I flicked the lock to the door on impulse, kept safe from the gallery, and Cj. Flipping around, I hastily went to the shower and turned the dial to the coldest setting before stepping inside and cringing at the icy temperature. It made me gasp and recoil, but I forced myself under it because I needed to cool off in more ways than one. I drenched myself with soap, scrubbing at my arms and legs as quickly as possible to get the gross feeling away from me, but it was there to stay. Not only was my skin crawling, but my stomach was still twisting and when I remembered back to first pushing myself into Cj, my gut rallied and I cringed forward, pushing the curtain out of the way as I puked on the bathroom floor.
"Shit..." I cursed in a low mumble as I sat on the tub floor and draped my arm over the side, the other hand clinging to the edge as I stayed partly over the tub side.
My hair was a wet mess, water dripping onto the bathroom floor and I shut my eyes tightly, trying to regain sense, but I couldn't. The icy water continued to pour over my body, and my head continued to ache. I was filled with this sick feeling, like I had eaten something rotten or had been injected with the flu. I had seriously fucked Cj last night, despite Green-Bean's warnings, Erin's love confession, Ben's trust, and my own sexual prefrence. It was so freaking confusing because I had admitted to liking Cj, and last nights actions most certainly confirmed that, but it was a terrible situation and he was younger than me and... FUCK my life.
"Kyler?" A small voice called from the other side of the door, pulling me out of my thoughts as I glanced up at the wooden frame.
"Huh?" I questioned back, my own voice sounding sick.
There was a short pause, "Um, are you okay?"
No.
"Uh, yeah." I lied, "Why?"
I bet he had shrugged, "You've been in there for an hour."
Oh.
"Oh..." I realized with surprise as I glanced around and blinked a few times, "I'll be out in a minute."
I assumed he had nodded or just agreed without physically saying or displaying it as I pushed myself from the tub floor and turned the icy water off before getting out and toweling myself dry. I quickly got dressed, pulling on a pair of boxers, some blue jeans and a plain black shirt before brushing my teeth and attempting to dry my black locks. I sighed as I gathered a mass of toilet paper from the roll and wiped up the mess I had made.
"Sorry I took so long..." I mumbled as I exited the bathroom to see Cj sitting on a neatly made bed with a towel and new clothes in hand, looking patient.
"It's okay," he assured, not making the move to the bathroom yet as I pulled on a pair of socks and began to lace on shoes.
I awkwardly glanced over at him, but looked away with a short cough, "Um, so are you gonna go take a shower, or?"
"We had sex last night." He randomly pointed out, like he knew it was on my mind and slowly killing me.
"Don't remind me." I muttered under my breath, although the slightly hurt expression on his face told me he had heard.
He bit on his bottom lip, almost nervously as his voice went especially quiet, "You regret it, don't you?"
His sad tone of voice hurt to hear, "No, Cj-"
"You don't have to lie to me," he spat, hopping up from the bed as he gave me a small glare, "You do that to your girlfriend enough as is."
"Cj, wait." I insited as I quickly grabbed his wrist and spun him around before he could leave into the bathroom, surprising myself by catching his lips with my own.
He seemed surprised as well, shocked even as he awkwardly kissed me back, both of us wide eyed and I pulled away, wiping my mouth off with the back of my hand on impulse.
His eyes went from hopeful to broken in a split second and that expression killed me, so I quickly cupped his cheeks in my hands as I smashed my lips onto his again, attacking them feverishly. I let my eyes close this time as our lips parted open and I let my tongue enter his mouth carefully, making sure not to let this become sloppy. His kiss was familiar yet new all at once and it warmed my chest, yet frightened me as well.
"Aren't you going to wipe me off your mouth again?" He asked with a slight inclination of bitterness after I had pulled away again and we caught our breaths.
I shook my head a little, not daring to do that again,"I didn't mean to do that."
He arched an eyebrow, "Then why did you? Are you really that disgusted by me now?"
I shrugged, sighing, "No! I don't know...Maybe?"
He went to turn from me again.
"No! I meant to say no," I desperately tried to assure and his face was trying hard to figure out what I meant in all of my confusion, "Listen Cj..." I began, running a hand through my hair, "You understand that what we did last night was wrong, right?"
He frowned at me, "Why? Because you have a girlfriend that you don't even like? Or maybe because you did us both on the same night? Or was it wrong because I'm a boy and you don't want to admit that you're not 100% straight? Or-"
"All of the above, okay?" I confessed, cutting him off, "But also because you're Ben's little brother, and that's the biggest fucking betrayal."
"I get that you're guilty, but so am I. I don't like going behind my brother's back and helping you to cheat either, but I like you and I can't help that," he looked worried, "And you still like me too, right?"
I blinked at him for a second, the true answer on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't find the strength to admit it, so I sighed instead, just staring at him with a pleading expression, hoping he could read my mind for me.
My silence only seemed to upset him more though as he turnd away from me again and headed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself. I rolled my eyes at my inability to make up my damn mind about any of this and when the sound of shower water began, I stepped away from door and glanced over at the clock to see that it was just 15 minutes after noon. I assumed Ben and Green-Bean were still asleep then since the cabin was very quiet, and considering the party, there were more than likely a few hangovers.
I took one last glance at the bed in rememberance of last night's activies, almost axiously before leaving the room and heading into the kitchen. When I had finished pouring myself a glass of water, the door to Ben's shared room opened and out stalked a pretty girl with purple in her hair as she awkwardly waved at me before walking to the cabin door as she left, her shoes held on her fingers and her hair a mess.
"Aaaand, that's how you do it," Ben announced from the door frame in his jeans, without a shirt on and his neck littered in hickeys.
"Fun night?" I questioned in a bit of amusement as he lightly stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing at his head.
He nodded, sitting at the table as he laid his probably throbbing head on it, "Hell yeah dude. The party was freaking awesome. Maybe even more so than last year."
"Really?" I asked, sort of disinterested in this conversation as the front door to the cabin opened and in walked Green-Bean, Liam, and Jessie looking tired as well.
"Yep. Fucking Liam wouldn't get his ass off the roof," Ben continued as the three entered the kitchen, nodding to awknowledge my presence.
Liam laughed with a small shrug, "It was fun up there."
"You could've broken you neck," Green-Bean pointed out.
"Would that have really been a bad thing?" Jessie joked, or at least I hoped he did, hopping over to the table as he took a seat next to Ben.
Liam lifted himself up to sit on the counter, eating what looked like a donut, "Why are we even friends?"
"Cause you don't ask to borrow my sun screen," Jessue shrugged, "You don't get burned. You just darken. It's really not fair."
"It's not..." We all began to agree in envy of Liam's almost complete inability to burn.
He rolled his eyes, "At least we all had fun. And I didn't break my neck, so."
"You lucky fuck," Jessie semi-complimented.
"You wanna know who really got lucky?" Ben asked with a smirk, holding the group in suspense before he held his thumbs out and pointed them at himself, "That's right, baby! THIS GUY."
The group cheered, high fiving him and nudging him, asking who it was, all except for me who just stayed leaned against the counter top with my arms folded over my chest. Apparently some chick named Tasha had beaten him at beer pong and consequently he had to 'show her a good time', which I guess resulted in sex. Seems simple enough.
"But enough about me," Ben excused before turning his smirk towards me, "I wasn't the only one banging last night."
I could feel my cheeks igniting with blush as I groaned, shaking my head, "Ben, shut up.
"No way," Jessie smiled, like he was amazed by the thought of me getting lucky "Who'd you screw?"
Just then, Cj had walked in fully dressed and his hair brushed, looking tired and surprised to see us all in the kitchen, turning our heads to see him.
"Um, hi."
"Shush Cj!" Jessie obnoxiously quieted him down, although a shy boy like him hardly needed to be hushed, "We're trying hear about Kyler's one night stand!"
I felt the awkwardness begin to suffocate me, and I knew Cj felt it too, although no one else did.
"I saw him leaving the party with Erin." Green-Bean spoke up since I refused to.
Jessie's eyes lit up in even more amazement, "Woah! She actually let you bed her?! I thought she was like, super against that cause of her freak brother."
I shrugged, "Well he wasn't here so..."
"Dirty girl," Ben humored with a short chuckle, "Didn't know she had it in her."
"Well she most certainly had Kyler in her," Jessie smirked, making Ben laugh even louder.
I glanced over at Cj to see how uncomfortable he was beginning to look and one glance at Green-Bean told me he saw it too. I accidentally made eye contact with him and he raised an eyebrow at me, like he was suspicious. And when Green-Bean's suspicious, secrets get sucked out of you.
"Her brother's going to kill you," Liam said to me, the others in agreement.
"He'll rip you limb from limb when he finds out you de-virginized his little sister," Jessie speculated in a made up british accent as he mimicked ripping something in the air.
Ben shook his head at me with a smirk, "You virginity theife, you."
I rolled my eyes, burning under the heat of secrecy and guilt, "Okay I had sex with my girlfriend, big deal. Can we move on now?"
"You're no fun," Ben pouted before his eyes found his blushing brother, "Hey kid, did you have fun?"
Cj lightly shrugged.
"Did you get laid too?" Jessie questioned curiously, eyeing Cj carefully.
"Dude no way," Ben disagreed as though the idea was unheard of, "My little brother's too much of a goody goody."
Someone please open a window.
Jessie was still bent on the idea though, watching Cj with suspicion on his tone, "I know that look in his eyes though. Those aren't virgin eyes!"
I watched as Jessie hopped up from his seat and basically tackled Cj into the wall, pulling down the colar of his shirt to reveal deep hickeys on his colar bone. The ones I had created.
"Whoa..." Ben gasped as the others looked shocked as well, and I bit the inside of my cheek nervously, making the mistake of glancing at Green-Bean who was already staring harshly back at me.
"Told ya!" Jessie yelled triumphantly as Cj pushed his hands away and defensively covered himself, "So kid, who was it?"
Ben stood too, coming over to Cj and blocking his path so the small boy couldn't run, "Yeah dork, who'd you screw?"
Cj looked incredibly uncomfortable as he blinked, shaking his head, "No one!"
Ben looked unimpressed, not believing him, "Oh really?"
"Y-yeah." Cj stuttered, probably from nerves as the group seemed to gather around him in anticipation and disbelife.
"Then who gave you those hickeys?" Ben pressed, his voice going deep with authority, wanting to know who it was his younger brother was dealing with.
"None of your business," Cj swallowed, his delicate almond eyes flickering towards me and I inwardly cursed as Ben caught the small eye movement, his head snapping around to me.
He raised a suspicious eyebrow, his eyes daring to squint, "You..."
My eyes went wide and so did Cj's as the feeling of being caught stuck in my throat, "W-what?"
He grinned, confusing me for a split second, "You know who it was, don't you? He told you, huh?!"
I felt a huge rush of relief soak into my skin, safe from being found out about once again, thanks to Ben's stupidity.
"Uh, no?" I half-answered, only making Ben gasp and smile wider in realization.
"Holy shit, you freaking know!" He came up to me, nudging my shoulder, "Who was it?"
I quickly shrugged, trying to lie to the best of my ability, "I seriously don't know."
Jessie pointed at me sharply, "HIS NOSE TWITCHED!"
I slapped a hand over my fucking nose on impulse, cursing under my breath. It was my only give away.
"Kyler! Who was it!?" Ben pressed, pressuring me, "You're seriously not going to tell your best friend who his own little brother is messing around with?"
Damn, he pulled the best friend card?! How was I supposed to answer? 'Well Bengy, you see, after having unsatisfying sex with my virgin girlfriend, I had fucking amazing sex with your little brother, stealing his virginity too!' Yeah, because that would go over well.
"It was...um..." I fumbled, trying my hardest to buy myself time and think, although I came up with nothing, "Uh, it was...it- .... um, was-"
"Daniel!"
The entire group collectively snapped their focus towards Cj who shrunk into himself due to everyone's surprised, confused eyes.
"I'm sorry, did I miss something?" Jessie asked after the longest pause of awkward silence, "Who the fuck is Daniel?"
Ben's eyes seemed to ignite with realization as he scoffed, an inclination of anger in his voice, "That guy from school?!"
Cj shrunk into himself even more, his voice almost inaudible, "Um...yeah..." I watched as Ben's focus dropped and he ran a confused hand through his blonde hair, his face contorting, "He was at the party and um, we were just hanging out and then...stuff happened."
"Stuff?" Ben questioned with gritted teeth, his nostrils almost flaring.
Cj weakly nodded.
"Like what?"
"None of your business, Ben."
"You didn't let him fuck you, did you?" Ben questioned harshly, making the rest of the group stay completely silent, "Cause I wouldn't want some fucking queer for a little brother."
"Ben..." Liam warned with a soft voice, taking a step forward as if to calm him down.
"Fucking shut up Liam and keep your 'peace talks' to yourself!" Ben quickly snapped, surprising us all as he approached Cj with a glare on his brow, "Now I don't give a flying fuck about guys who think they like other guys, but not you, you hear me?"
Cj swallowed nervously, his almond eyes threatening to water as his voice stayed just above a whisper, "But-"
"I fucking mean it Cj," Ben threatned, leaning down to his shaking brother's face with spite to his tone and venom on his tongue, "You're making a fucking fool out of me and mom and dad. How do you think people would look at our family if they knew you liked dick? It'd fucking ruin us." His voice went sinister, "Don't you dare disappoint me by doing something disgusting like that again."
Cj was a bright shade of red by now from embaressment as he blinked away a tear and quickly nodded with a slight whimper before spinning around and hastily making his way out of the kitchen and out the front door of the cabin with a slam.
"Dude..." Jessie began, shaking his head as he spoke to Ben, "That was really fucked up."
"Tell it to someone who cares." He scoffed, looking off in the direction his brother had left in.
I swallowed a nervous lump, still leaned against the counter top as I decided to say something, anything to help Cj's, (and secretly my) case, "Just let him like who he likes, Bengy."
I immediately regreted my decision to speak up as Ben spun around to glare at me, taking a dangerous step in my direction with a strict finger pointing towards me, "He's my little brother. If I don't want him to do something, then he's not doing it."
"Well his sexuality really isn't your choice."
His eyes narrowed for a split second before a snarl appeared on his face in the form of a grin, "Look who's coming to the rescue. And here I was, thinking he irritated the shit out of you."
I awkwardly shrugged, "Still does, sometimes..."
"Hm." He seemed to nod before taking a step back, eyeing me like a snake with a devious smirk, "Well I'm so glad to see you're getting along." His smirk disappeared in a second as his face went serious, his look threatening enough to kill, "But if you ever dare get between him and I again and keep shit like that from me, I'll pop you in your fucking mouth. Don't think I won't."
I stayed completely silent as he thundered out of the kitchen and into his room with a slam as well, although his was loud enough to make us all jump. The rest of us, Jessie, Liam, Green-Bean and I stood in errie silence. I was biting the inside of my cheek in angered annoyance, my focus to the floor as I stayed leaned against the counter, my pointer finger tapping against it anxiously.
"Well..." Jessie began, his voice careful and kept hushed in fear of Ben hearing, "That was uh, unexpected..."
I could see Liam nod from the corner of my eye, his voice a whisper, "I can't believe he'd say that to his own brother..."
They all seemed to agree, silently reeling in shock.
"You okay Kyler?" Green-Bean asked, having hardly said a word this whole time.
I didn't respond, instead, just gritted my jaw in realization of how incredibly fucked this situation was. Not only would Ben be upset to know his brother actually did have sex with another boy last night, but he'd fucking explode.
"I'm gonna go check on Cj and see if he's okay," I muttered, pushing myself from the counter as I made my way towards the living room.
"Ben's not going to like that," Green-Bean spoke up, making me turn to face him.
I shrugged, folding my arms over my chest, "Why wouldn't he? And why should I care?"
"Because he'll think you're telling him it's okay to be gay," Green-Bean pointed out, "Since you were defending him."
"Kyler, I think you should go anyways," Liam voted, being the understanding peace keeper he was, "The kid probably really needs someone to talk to."
"Why don't you go then?" Jessie asked, nudging Liam with concern, "Ben won't be as mad if you go."
Liam shook his head, "Cj and I don't know each other that well. It'd be weird for me to randomly talk to him. Besides, Kyler can do whatever he wants without anyone scaring him into doing something else."
I gave Liam a small smile before glancing at the others and then turned out of the room, making my way out of the cabin and into the wilderness. I wasn't sure where to go, so I just began walking. I shoved my hands into the front pockets of my jeans, re-evaluating my current situation. It was shit, quiet simply put, and as I traveled on the trail for a little while longer and then detoured into the woods, I entered an area that could've been an old road as trees began to thin out. I kept walking, pushing a leafy branch from my face as an old, rusting van came into view. It was a faded yellow, sitting on its bottom with tires absent and windows mostly smashed in. The shape was that of a twinky, and I smiled at the sight of the ancient 'hippy van', and the small boy sitting against it.
"Cj..." I called, making my way over as I kneeled in front of him, the top of his head facing me as he cried into his knees, his legs pulled up to his chest. He wasn't an obnoxious crier, but I could hear the small sniffles he was trying to keep quiet.
"Cj," I called again, lifting my hands to place on his forearms, "C'mon, stop crying."
He surprised me by jumping at my touch, hastily slapping my hands away as his tear stained face watched me with wide, hurt eyes, "D-don't touch me," I tilted my head in confusion, "Ben won't like it."
I sighed, watching as he began to wipe his tears away with his shirt, avoiding eye contact with me, "Look, the way your brother spoke to you was wrong, you know that, right?"
"No," he denied, his face turning into a scowl as he stared at his knees, "What I am is wrong..."
"Hey." I stopped him, my voice going authoritative as I forced him to look at me, "Don't ever think that. Just because your brother doesn't like that aspect of your life doesn't mean it's wrong. You should accept who you are."
"Then why don't you?" he shot back, looking helpless, "You hide behind your girlfriend and deny who you are 24/7. I saw how grossed out you looked this morning, how disgusted you felt. How can you be a hypocrite and expect me to listen to you?"
I bit the inside of my cheek with a small shrug, his hurt, defeated face bothering me more than it ever has before, "I don't know Cj. Fuck. I just don't like seeing you this way..."
"Why not?" he asked, blinking past teary eyes.
"Because," I began, checking over my shoulder before turning back to him as I leaned in, placing a soft, smooth kiss on his lips that tasted of salty tears before pulling away, whispering, "I like you, and you like me, right?"
His large almond eyes seemed lost in a trance before a small, gentle smile pulled up on the edges on his lips, " Right."
"You have a nice smile," I complimented, making the blush on his cheeks rise and I smiled before standing, holding my hands out to him, "Let's go show the rest of the world."
That seemed to motivate him enough and he took my hands as I pulled him to standing and his arms immediatly wrapped around my neck, hugging me as he pressed to the tips of his toes. When he pulled away, I couldn't deny the warm feeling fuzzing around in my gut and we headed back in the direction of the cabin, prepared to face whatever awaited us.
***
It was Monday when we had packed our bags and headed back home. For the rest of the trip, Cj and I stayed somewhat away from the others for obvious reasons. I didn't mind being around Liam and Jessie, but Ben and Green-Bean were another story; Ben was pissed at me, and Green-Bean was itching to question me, I could feel it. I doubt he believed that Cj and Daniel actually did anything, rather, Daniel was code name for me. And although Cj tried to assure me he was okay, I could tell he wasn't.
But now we were pulling up to Ben's house in silence, besides the noise of the radio, and as we did, I felt dread wash through me. There was a car in the driveway, one that I knew all too well.
"Fucking hell..." I muttered anxiously, pushing the car door open and hopping out.
"Is that...?" Ben began, raising an eyebrow.
I could feel myself tensing up, "I think so..."
The others got out as well, and we all walked up to the house as Ben turned the knob. We entered, Ben, Cj, Green-Bean and I to see Ben's parents seated on the couch. But they were not alone.
"Kyler, finally! We've been so worried."
I gritted my teeth at the sound of her voice, her plastic smile making me want to barf.
"Well, aren't you happy to see us?" His low voice questioned, that shark like smirk of his sending shivers down my spine, "Cause I know I'm happy to see you..."
Karen and Cory.
Mother fuckers...
***
happy fourth btw -staypunky