penitence (noun): the action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance
Harry's POV
My hair drips into my face, the water from the shower not yet evaporated into the air and leaving my shabby look to drench my shoulders and neck. Bringing a towel to my head, I ruffle the knotty hair and push it back with my fingers.
The elastic I used this morning was the same one Noelle left on the sink counter back in Albany the morning everything fell apart. The day embarked the beginning of a very long journey that in the end, worked as our mending glue.
El's shrink has been calling me non-stop for the past few days, but she made it clear that she didn't want to meet with that lady again, so I wasn't going to let the doctor call and bitch at her to do something she doesn't want to. I ignore the call and toss my cell phone to the bed, seeing a blinking light under the cover next to my own device.
My hand reaches under the thick comforter and pulls out Noelle's phone. She must've dropped it while making the bed and never noticed. I smile at the thought; she's so forgetful of the smallest things but sometimes I blame myself for that because I fill her head with my own worries.
I have no fucking clue how I am supposed to fix shit with Internal Affairs, but that shouldn't be weighing on her shoulders. Yeah what she did was incredibly idiotic, but her intensions were what makes my anger diminish. Behind her reasoning was the showcased love she has for me and I am flattered to know she'd go to such a large- and dangerous- extent.
The unknown number texting her buzzes in my hand again and I type in her passcode, staring at the screen. It could be her mother or brother like she mentioned before. The thought of them getting in touch pleases and disturbs me. I don't want her hurting herself further. She's so naïve sometimes and believes too deeply in people, that makes for easy prey to others who take and take until the giving is gone.
My mind is telling me it isn't right to invade her privacy- the little amount she does have- while my heart is kicking my instincts into full drive. Even though she might claim she doesn't need protecting, I know deep down she is just too stubborn to admit it. Protecting her is my main job and not just because that is actually my job, but because I love her more than I have ever loved anyone else.
Noelle busted through the broken glass windows guarding and protecting my heart and repaired the outside with her own strength and love. It is difficult to explain, but without her I don't feel whole or purposeful. My days are made when I can hear her laugh at my shitty jokes or smile when I use my vulgar remarks against her. And most importantly, she made my nightmares go away. The long nights spent in purposeful insomnia because I didn't want to see my mother being killed right before my eyes are now nowhere in sight.
She mended me unknowingly and took every aspect I thought I understood to a new level. Before her, I hadn't even considered a long-term relationship. I respected women and knew my boundaries, but I never cared for them. I used their bodies, truthfully, and then went to bars and drank off the feelings of loneliness that only I seemed to understand. Klara was a some-what sturdy support to my collapsing building, but El was the concrete base that saved me in the end.
I might forgive her too easily and she might not have the reasons she claims to be as pissed off at me as she wants, but the love we share for each other overpowers any of that petty shit. I can feel it in the way her fingertips touch my skin, the way she absorbs every word I speak and intently listens. The way she gave herself to me without even doubting the idea.
That meant more to me than anyone will ever know. To know that the only girl I love and care about is comfortable enough with me to give something so intimate and delicate away, changes how I feel completely and multiplies it by ten. We've come so far through so much, it'd be a waste to call it now when the going gets hard.
Another buzz vibrates in my palm and without letting myself overthink it, I go to her inbox and see over twenty-three messages sent from this unknown number. How long has she been talking with her family that I haven't known? The conversation looks one-sided, honestly.
The first message ever sent from this number is where I start, squinting my eyes at the message displayed on the screen.
*I put the keys back so you know where they are. Please keep it all a secret. -A*
A? Who the fuck is A? Noelle told me her brother's name is Coven. I can't remember what her mother and father's names are but they don't start with an A - I can remember that much. My thumb scrolls to the next text.
*I'm sorry about last night. I hope you're not too hurt from what I did. -A*
What the fuck? My stomach twists. When was this? My eyes scan the phone for a date and when I realize it was the night I was in the holding sell, everything clicks. She was with Estelle, Royce said. Does Estelle have any friends with their name starting in an A?
*Please don't tell Harry, he'd have my ass if you did. -A*
What am I not supposed to know? What is she not telling me?
*Can we meet up and discuss what happened last night?*
She better not have fucking met up with whoever this anonymous person is. When did this start? What does it even mean? A hard curling in my stomach brings my fears to life. Has El been seeing someone else?
She wouldn't, she couldn't. I know her too well to think such ways. Noelle loves me and I love her, but this message starts manipulating the way she says it to a dull and meaningless voice. Why would she hide this from me if it were something casual? She's hiding it from me on purpose. My fists grip the phone tightly in my palm and my jaw fiercely sets.
*Noelle, you just can't leave me hanging. Please respond to my texts. -A*
And suddenly that A becomes ever clearer. Arthur, fucking Arthur.
I hope you're not too hurt from what I did. Promise me you won't tell Harry. I put the keys back so you know where they are. Keep it a secret. Don't tell Harry. Respond to my texts. Can we meet up?
All these messages fly before my eyes in rapid speed and blurry text. How could she fucking cheat on me?! With him of all people?! Right after our night together? She let me touch her when she knew that she'd been touched by the man I despise the most?!
The tuning of my ears has faded out into a hushed whispery sound, static air being the only noise available. I gave her everything I had and this is how she repays me? She can't even tell me that it was all lies, but plays me like a fool? Why the hell am I everybody's pin cushion?
My boots hit the floor harshly before I can even stop myself. Never did I expect this from a person so caring and considerate. Such manipulative and betraying actions. Did she ever really care or was this all a faze while this whole case blew over? Has she been using me from the start?
No. She isn't that sly. She does love me, just not as much as I do her.
Before my heart can crack centerfold, I patch it back together and force it to hold another emotion. Instead of feeling sad or hurt, I let my anger seep in and blotch all remains of leftover feelings. I can hear her talking with Royce.
I wonder if she's slept with him, too? I internally mock, venom in my subconscious tone.
The comfortable aura in the room flattens immediately with my arrival, El looking over her shoulder so happily - trying to play the part of the sweet and innocent girlfriend. Little does she know that I know. Her mood falters with my stiff face and as much as I want to scream at her and kick Royce's arse out of the room, I know it will hurt her more if I act unnerved.
"Oh, hi," Noelle says in a sweet voice while standing up straight. The ring I bought her all of a sudden grasps my attention and forces me to bite my lip. "Are you okay?" She adds, nervously. She needs to be fucking terrified. No, no she doesn't. But I wish she would be.
Royce senses the intense shift of mood and excuses himself from the stool, speaking on his way out: "I'm going to go finish setting up." My jaw only clenches tighter when he leaves. If only he knew how much pain I am in right now on the inside.
My lips want to spit poison but I picked this myself. How was I supposed to know that all of this- Noelle included- was going to blow up in my face? They say you pick your own poison, and undoubtedly, I did so blindly. I must be frowned on, looked upon like trash in a gutter. I have the world dangling from my fingertips yet every string has been cut and tied on by a higher source. I've been betrayed by every person close to me, including my father and his lies, and I am sick of taking it. Sick of being the forgiver, the forgetter. Not anymore.
I think I hear Noelle speak again, but am unsure due to the labored breaths emitting from my chest. The rising under my shirt has increased rapidly with this new spike in my adrenaline, blood beating, slashing, pumping under my skin.
I tear my vision from her eyes and walk passed her to the cabinet. There isn't one fiber in my body that is in actual search of something in particular, but anything is better than standing like a fool under her knowing gaze. I've seen so much betrayal that my trust has officially been broken. Even if I am over reacting and being dramatic, something is going on that she is hiding and that is unfair when she had the opportunity to tell me and passed it up.
"No," I respond, but don't know why because I can't remember her question - if she even asked anything. The ghostly look in her eyes tell me she is suspecting of something, but still wondrous about my shift in mood. "Is there something you aren't telling me?" I throw back, spitefully.
Noelle straightens her back as if it makes her look more sure. As if the terrified fear in her eyes can be hidden behind the movements I have grown to selfishly memorize every passing second I've know her. But apparently I don't know her all that well if she has been sneaking around the second I am out of the picture. How am I suppose to believe she'll ever stay if I can't trust her now? Do I want her to stay?
Fuck, I do. But I shouldn't.
"Why do you ask?"
My breathing hitches when I hear her speak, my hand throwing the cabinet open with a loud bang. I'm not facing her, but I can tell she is shocked by the nervous gasp her lips let out and the immediate claim she makes. "Be careful with that, it will break."
"It's my cabinet, so who gives a fuck?" I slam it harder, not caring if Royce is only a room away. Maybe he can learn something from this little encounter; that women can't be trusted fully even when you think you can give yourself to them without second thought. "But it's only me, right?" I chuckle. "Not anyone important, apparently."
"What?" She almost laughs in shock, but the tremble in her voice is not over-ridden. "What are you talking about, of course you are important to me, I love you." Not more than Arthur, obviously.
My patience is running thin and even though I want her to suffer through this state of confusion and anger, I am only punishing myself further by stringing on the inevitable. "Don't lie to me," I say more calmly than thought possible. "How long has this gone on? How could you not tell me?"
Meeting her eyes for the first time since arriving into the room, I can see the pale shade her soft skin turns. Her small fists are nervously fumbling with themselves as she fidgets in her spot and decides on crossing her arms across her chest. "How did you know?"
"Sorry for ruining your plans and finding out," I spit, beyond vexed. The cap flies off my head and steam erupts into the air, making me lose all self control and thought process. "I ruin everything. No one ever tells me shit. Do I even exist in this world? Why do I never get told anything?!"
"I was going to tell you," Noelle bites back tears. Good.
"Then why didn't you?!" I can't help but berate. "Were you just going to string me along like a fool?"
"I was going to tell you right after-" I don't let her finish.
"After I slept with you?" Her lips immediately clamp shut along with a step back like someone physically pushed her away. "After I told you how much I loved you and that I wanted to move away with you? After I singlehandedly gave every piece of myself to you?!" My hand connects with the counter, a loud crack striking my bones with shock. I'm too pissed to feel it, though.
When the images of Noelle and Arthur come into my mind- him touching her, her wanting more, them laughing together behind my back with all my so-called friends- I completely and utterly fucking lose it. Red blurs my eyesight and without even realizing it, the sound of more slamming erupts my eardrums. It's only when I feel immense pain in my wrist again that I know I shattered the kitchen island.
"Harry, you're going to break-"
"Who the fuck cares, Noelle?!" I scream louder than I ever have before. Glass shards and plates fall to the floor and create the most headache-inducing sound, but I can't find it in me to give a shit. The burn of bloodied knuckles sparks life into my numb body. "Oh, that's right, I am the only one who cares!"
"What are you talking about? Of course I care!"
"For who? Yourself?" I scoff, riled up. "I know you don't care for me."
The gravel-like tone in my voice stuns her to the point of looking beet red in the face, tears clog her waterline and for once I am encouraging their fall. My support was the only source of energy that kept her alive through those weeks of hell, yet this is how I am repaid? With fake love and bitter lies of betrayal?
"How could you say that? I love you!" Noelle shouts but I don't hear it in her tone. All I hear is the rush of anger flowing through to my fingertips and the chants of my inner demon encouraging me to slash more of my expensive furniture.
"No you don't!" I yell in response. "You cheated on me!"A flash of blue glints at my peripheral vision.
Adorned in his spiffy, blue uniform with quaffed hair, waltz in Arthur and all his glory. A sudden joy comes with seeing him right now, and along with it a devilish smile creeps its way onto my face.
"Oh look, the man of the hour has arrived."
Noelle's POV
As my eyes found Arthur's, I knew undoubtedly that this evening was not going to end well. My teary eyes made everything blur, but the sight of how hurt I had made Harry feel was not something you needed vision to notice.
His heart looked as pale as pure light, cracked like a nut, and broken like sharp shards of glass on the floor. A tremendous amount of guilt lay at my feet, my body too tired to even carry the weight of it any longer. I am sick of lying and hiding the truth from Harry, but what makes it worse is that I am too late.
My sorrowful expressions of pity will never repair the damage I've accidentally caused and looking back and forth between the two men silently staring it off, it is clear to me that after tonight- if we even make it that long in full pieces- I'll be lucky to ever see Harry again in a relationship manner.
Before I can analyze the movements before my eyes, Harry is storming past me with a stone-cold frown on his face. Panic upbeats the pounding in my chest but ice courses through my veins when instead of throwing a punch at the French boy, Harry doesn't even bother to glance in his direction.
Brown, wide eyes glare at me when I manage to move my head from the kitchen entrance and if I am not wrong, the same amount of sorrow eases in Arthur's eyes as mine. The only exception is that he feels bad for me for causing this - when in reality it isn't entirely his fault - and I feel diminished and lowly for breaking the only heart I ever loved fully.
Harry might be hard-headed and carry baggage heavier than boulders on his back, but his humor and the way he loves me could never be topped by any man out there in the world. People always say you have two great loves existing, but Harry was it for me. He was my pre-love, and my only love; now that he has in a physical sense walked out, my world has immediately darkened back into a shade of clouded greys and blacks.
"I'm sorry," is all I hear, my focus too stuck on the larger problem at hand. I can't believe I let my timid-ness get in the way of the only good thing I had going for me. It's like my drain has been pulled and all love and happiness has escaped my grasp.
"Please, just go," I stay sternly through tears. The roles seemed to have reversed now that I have the urge to throw my body down the stairs or smash dishes - if there were any left to break, that is. "Leave," I hiss when Arthur doesn't listen.
The subtle shake of his head is the only further move he makes before abiding by my pleas and exiting with a heavy sigh. All remnants of my sight seem to evaporate into thin air as more tears flow down my cheeks and into the palms of my hands.
How could I be so stupid? So pathetic? So wrong? I've beaten Harry to a pulp with my words and expectations of him and here I am living life as a closet hypocrite. All my words belittling him for fighting and not forgiving his father, and here I am standing in my own wallowing tears living the same life I'm preaching against.
My feet won't even let me move from my spot. Seeing as though Harry is in the same house still is comforting and brings solace, but I'm afraid that not even these great qualities make me feel any better about how I treated him - it only makes me feel worse.
"Noelle?" Royce's voice peaks through the corner and I shake my head, not putting forth enough effort to even consider trying to hide my pain and heartbreak. This is how Harry feels, my conscious taunts me and I welcome the burn because I surely deserve it. "Can I come in?"
"Please, just," I stutter, pitifully. "Go talk to Harry?"
"I'm afraid I can't," he responds with a frown, nervously stepping closer.
"Why not? He, he is here. I just messed up and- and I need someone to help me fix it," I beg, my words nonsensical.
"Noelle," Royce sighs, side-stepping me with a one-armed hug. "He left. I tried to stop him.. I'm sorry."
"He couldn't have possibly left," I shout and it sounds gut-wrenching. Though I've only spent my time talking and not really yelling, I sound as though I've smoked my entire life and have been butchering the ears of others with my yelling. "He didn't," I shake my head, refusing to believe while taking hurried steps to the elevator shaft.
Slamming my fist on the button panel, I dart my head at an awkward position to try and make sight of the hallway entering into our bedroom. The door is open and so is the closet, his boots not remaining by the door but probably because he had them on when he exited our room originally.
I refuse to let realization in, pushing away the thoughts and threatened to pull a shovel out and slam the hell out of it if it even tries to come close to leaving. The delusions of my mind keep running rapid until I am taking the elevator down to the lobby alone.
Dumbfounded, I march into the lobby and grab the attention of many elderly civilians that reside in our- his complex. Calling this place my home even feels wrong; after what I have done, the future for us has turned from a blistering, heated sun to a freezing, bitter winter.
Full comprehension doesn't dawn on me until I am standing out on the sidewalk under the complex's awning and slapping the palm of my hand to my forehead. The heavy weight only grows when the curly-haired boy I've wrongfully broken doesn't sit on the bench or lean against the lamppost.
I'm alone.
Not physically, but it feels like all that I have come to acknowledge has been wiped away from my sleight. Harry didn't even attempt to fight Arthur. If he would have, I would have at least been assured that he cared. Though I am beyond impressed at his use of self control, my brain has been wretched of ever believing he will ever love me again; I honestly don't deserve his love. Not anymore.
"Let's go back inside," Royce ushers and instead of jumping in shock at his sudden appearance, I let the pain take over as I lean into his side and hide in his chest away from reality.
The elevator ride back up is a blur and so is the next few hours where I lie awake and still, debating whether or not he'll ever fully return back to me again. Surely he has to be back because he does live here, and I am grateful he didn't kick me out, but what I mean is that I am fearful that the love he has for me has been banished and replaced with hate and spite.
Arthur's texts is what he saw, and I know that guaranteed by now. No matter how ominous they seemed and how convincing they could be used as that I was cheating, I would never be that person. Life has taught me many things, and the lowliest of them all is manipulating and cheating. One of which I managed to do and the other that I refuse to.
If only Harry let me explain the truth to him, now I'm not sure I'll ever be able to.
If you are done with all the 1D drama swarming around lately say I.
So Louis confirmed he will be a dad on GMA this morning and before we all start denying it and coming up with excuses, let's just be real here and remember that he did, in fact, go girl crazy after Elounor broke up. He hasn't said anything previously because it is very personal, but I do believe he will be a great father. He has the boys to help him, and think how great a life this child will have?
How do you think Louis will feel if you are hating on Briana or this unborn child? Take into consideration how this will affect him, too, and let's prove that we are indeed the best fans by supporting whatever happens. All I am trying to get across is to be considerate.
Also, apparently Zerrie has called off their engagement. I feel really awful if this is true, but it hasn't been officially proven, so I am not going to die yet. Yet. Overall, if we get through the next year, we really are the best fans out there.
NOBODY CAN DRAG US DOWN, NOT EVEN PREGNANCY, POT AND SPLITTING UP. WHOO!
What do you think about Louis being a dad?
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I love you all, have a great week! (I would've updated yesterday but my laptop charger split and shocked me, so my dad had to re-wire it and stuff, haha. Sorry this was a super long author's note!)
- Dani xx