"Hi, baby!" I almost jump on my seat when I heard my mother's burst from our center staircase. Agarang isinara ang portfolio na hawak at sinalubong siya upang batiin.
"Hi, mom. I miss you so much!" I replied, kissing her cheeks. I immediately saw the silhouette of my dad coming down the stairs. He was fixing his cuffs, mukhang papasok pa lamang sa trabaho.
My mom's dark blonde hair is longer now than the last time I saw her. Lampas na iyon sa kanyang bewang, still curling naturally at the ends. But her beauty never seems to age. She's still as beautiful and elegant as ever.
Ang mga matang kuhang-kuha ko, tila niyebeng balat at mapulang mga labi. She still looks dashing as I can remember. I would never fail to justify why Dad is so head-over heels for her, I mean she's a literal Goddess personified.
"I've been trying to contact you but I get getting directed to Ivah. Busy ka ba this past few weeks? It's almost September."
"Oh mom, you wouldn't want to know! I'm working by minutes!" Pagod kong saad sa kanya ng makaupo na ulit kami sa sofa.
The house is gigantic for the both of them but they don't seem to feel lonely in this mansion. My mom practically had me before her wedding with my dad. Some rumors say that 'pinikot' ni Dad si Mom to secure the wedding and it was a very messy scandal back then. I never dare to ask for a sibling too, I mean - I love being the center of attention, right?
"Is Ivah overworking you? I must talk with her if I must, dear. Your health is as much as important as all of your work, Selene. Don't push yourself too much."
"Mom, no need. Besides, we both accept all of these deals months ago. Hindi lang namin na foresee na magiging jammed pack ng ganito ang schedule dahil naging busy 'din kami nang mga nakaraang buwan."
"You had a successful show on the D&G, I'm so proud of you!"
"Thank you, mom."
"You did great there, Selena." I smiled at Dad when he mentioned those then planted a small kiss on my mom's head.
"I'm gonna head to the office, love. Will you drop by around lunch with Selena? Let's eat together. I'll clear my schedule."
"Honey, you don't need to. You have a presentation with that construction company, right?"
"You mean Decastro's? Yes, indeed. But I want to spend time with my daughter too."
"You're too cheesy, Dad." Pang aasar ko na siyang ikinailing niya.
"Just drop by at lunch." Natawa naman ako ng makitang kumunot ng bahagya ang mukha niya. Mom squeezes his arm before kissing him goodbye.
"So, how are you dear?" Agarang tanong niya na tila nag-aantay ng balita galing sa akin. I couldn't help but put my lips into a fine line as I looked at her excited face, not sure if I tell her about Emir.
Or would she even be fine with the kind of relationship that I have?
I'm very open with my parents about my life, the only thing they ask in return for my freedom is my honesty. I've never raised a liar that's why I don't know how to whisper one. Kaya nanatili akong tahimik sa tanong ng ina.
It was a blissful month. After Emir's birthday party, I never get to see her regularly dahil sa back-to-back schedules naming dalawa. The last time I saw her was a week ago since she's in Cebu right now for a shoot on her regular clients there. We never get to see each other before she catches her flight.
"It's just the usual, Mom. I'm just busy with work and preparing for the September party." Safe kong sagot sa kanya. Her eyebrow raises upon my answer, unimpressed by the lack of information.
"Ohh Selena Aileen, I need details. Where are my details?"
"Well I was actually thinking of trying -" Naputol ang pagsagot ko sa kanya ng tumunog ang phone ko. When I peek a little and saw Emir's name on the text message, walang pag-aatubili ko iyong binuksan para makita ang mensahe niya.
From: Emir
Hey, do you have a schedule today? I'm flying back to Manila around noon.
I couldn't help but bite the side of my cheeks to refrain myself from smiling. God! Finally! After a week-long of patience and stopping myself from asking her when is she coming home!!! She's finally going back!
"Okay! This is what I want to hear!" I almost threw my phone on the side of my couch when I heard my mother. She clasped her hands together and directed her whole attention to me, eager to know who texted me.
"Mom, it's nothing... really!"
"Selena, I did not raise you a liar. I know this is something! C'mon, baby don't hide anything from mommy!"
"Mom!!!"
"I haven't heard from you in ages, Selene! Ngayong babalik ka ng bahay, smiling over a text message. Even Swarovski crystal wouldn't make you happy like that!"
"It's not like that, mom! You're exaggerating! Besides I don't like Swarovski!"
"Ohh of course you don't! You love diamonds! Don't change the subject!"
"God! Mom, it's just - I think I'm seeing someone right now..." Paliit ng paliit ang boses kong saad sa kanya. Hindi pa man din tapos ang sinasabi ko ay namutawi na agad ang tili niya sa buong sala ng bahay.
"I knew it! I knew it, I knew it!"
"You knew?" Hindi makapaniwala kong saad.
"Of course, I knew! I'm your mother! The day that Ivah told me you're staying for one night in Batangas to unwind. I already knew something is up!"
"Mom, you're overreacting!"
"Tell me that isn't the same person who just lit up you're whole face with just a text message?"
"Mom!!!"
"See? I knew it! Who is he? Do I know him? Is he from the industry? Or is he a non-showbiz guy? Give me all the details!!!"
Para akong nanlamig ng marinig ang sunod-sunod niyang tanong. The way she was so sure it was a man that I was referring about makes me shiver and feel cold on my spine. Tila natuyo ang lalamunan habang tinitignan ang tuwa at kilig sa mukha niya, waiting for me to answer all of her queries.
"Mom, no it's not like that -"
"What do you mean not like that? Is he a politician? Is he a foreigner? You met in Paris?"
"No, no, no... not like that-"
"So he's from the Philippines? Why are you being so discrete? Is he one of the Corjaduevo siblings?"
"Mom! No! Oh god!"
"Then what?!"
"It's not a man, mom!" Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili sa bahagyang pagtaas ng boses at paglandas ng inis sa aking tono. Now it's her time to froze in her seat when she realize what I just have said.
"Ohh... you mean - a woman?" May alinlangan niya pang tanong sa akin. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapahilamos ng mukha. It escalated pretty quickly, huh?
GOOOOD! How am I gonna tell this to Emir?!
"Oh my god?!" She seems unsure of how to take this world-shifting information.
"Mom... it's just so sudden, okay. I also didn't expect this to be -"
"I-I'm so happy." Marahan akong napabaling sa gawi niya ng marinig ang marahang pagkabasag ng boses Niya.
Her eyes are teary, as if on the verge of crying. Not with disappointment... but with clear joy on her gorgeous face.
"I have been waiting for the time that you'll meet someone who will make the world a more enjoyable place for you, Selene." She said in a low voice, controlling her tears as she grabbed my hands and held it dearly. "I know I raised you like me, so independent and with so much pride. But I also want you to meet someone who you can be soft and vulnerable with. Someone you can trust to feel weak, someone you can depend on... like how I feel about your father."
"M-Mom." I'm not an emotional child, but I can feel the lump in my throat getting bigger and bigger as I listen to her.
"And I'm just really happy that someone is making your world a whole lot better, regardless of who they are, my love."
"Her name is Emir. Emirson Sicilia." I said with a bit of hesitancy in me. One of her hands flew to her lips, acting all shock and funny to me. Hindi ko napigilan ang iilang halakhak. She seems to figure out who Emir is.
"The famous photographer? Good pick, my child!" She commented kaya naman napailing na lamang ako.
"Mom, we're still figuring it all out... slowly." Hindi siguradong saad sa kanya. She deliberately shakes her hands in my face, disagreeing.
"Tell me everything!" Before I could even hold anything, she already interrogated me about what happened to me and Emir with all these months.
Of course, let's not give details on the intimacy and all of that... God!
I'm sure Emir would be thrilled to know that I have told my mom about us, not explicitly but I know she's getting all of this in her head.
This may seem like something small, but it's a huge leap for... at least for me.
Nang araw ding iyon, my mom went on with my fittings, walked through a lot of designs that she think is fit for me, and most importantly had our family lunch that was long overdue because of my busy schedule.
My mom casually mentioned at that table that I was actually seeing someone, leaving the details that its a girl and she's a well-known photographer. I can remember a little bit of shock on my father's face but my mother's reassurance was all it took for me to get off the hook.
He is smitten bad by my mom, so so bad.
When I finally bid goodbye to my parents, that's the only time I get ahold of Emir again. It was a busy day and I just wanted to meet with her already and sleep in her arms.
I haven't seen her in ages!
From: Emir
I'm here at your house... you're obviously not here. Where are you, baby?
Hindi ko napigilan ang mapangiti nang mabasa ang text niya sa akin. It was sent about an hour ago. I decided not to reply to her and drove through my house as soon as I could.
Not wasting a moment, I found myself almost running up to my house. Sa sala ay nakita ko agad ang maleta ni Emir at isang coat. Mas lalong bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko when it hit me that she's really back. After a week of being gone, and just settling on seeing her through the screens of my phone, she's finally here.
I didn't even realize I was catching my breath as I opened the door to my room. Kahit habol-habol ang hininga ay dali-dali akong pumasok.
Nang makita ang bulto niyang nakahiga sa kama ko, I immediately feel so calm. The sight of her in my bed, peacefully sleeping makes my heart pace down. As if having her near me brings me so much peace, that to be in her arms I feel safe.
I didn't want to wake her up so I tried to get on the bet as quietly as I could. She was holding her phone on her other hand, her hair was tied in a low bund habang ang wayfarers ay nakatungtong sa kanyang ulo. She didn't seem to have the energy to even change, she still had her socks on.
Marahang inialis ang iilang takas na hibla ng buhok sa kanyang mukha at inilagay iyon sa likod ng tenga niya. She seems exhausted and tired. Bakas iyon sa itim ng eyebags Niya, I can't wait to hear all of the things that she did while she's away.
I couldn't help myself but planted a soft kiss on her lips. God, I miss her so much. The vibrations inside of my chest are making it hard to control myself.
After removing my hairclip ay Marahan kong isinuksok ang sarili ko sa kanya. Placing my head on her chest, inhaling the trail of sea and salt on her mist. I coddle her up and immediately feel my heart find its way back.
She's finally home... whenever she is... she is home.
"Baby, you should turn your phone off." My face crumpled upon hearing those words, ipinagsawalang bahala at mas lalong niyakap ang katabi. I can hear her small chuckles before moving a bit. I snuggle up more upang hindi mawala sa komportableng pwesto ko.
I want to sleep more, this is the most comfortable place on earth right now.
"Yeah... she's just sleeping Ivah. Right on my tits." Agad napabukas ang mata ko ng marinig ko ang mga salitang iyon. The sudden burn on my cheeks and the sound of Emir's laughter drizzle the embarrassment more on my face!
"It's Ivah?!" I tried to divert the topic and snatching the phone from her. She immediately pull me back to her arms kahit pa marahan ko siyang tinutulak palayo.
"God, I want boobies too."
"Shut up, Ivah!" Agad kong narinig ang hagalpak niya ng tawa dahil doon.
"Why did you call? Oh my god, what time is it?" Hindi mapakaling tanong ko.
"It's 8:39 PM, Selena." Malabing na saad ni Emir habang pinasasadahan ng halik ang leeg ko. The sudden shiver that I felt on my spine makes me tingling in the most unholy places.
"I just called because your mom's secretary just emailed me the final design of your dress. I'm not fond of it but it's your mom. Can never argue with the Ms. World, can I?"
"I like it, Ivah. You're just not fond of it because it covers almost all of my skin."
"As it should baby." Komento naman ni Emir at marahang kinagat ang tenga ko. I bit my lips to stop a whimper coming out from me, glaring at her but she didn't even get the idea that whatever it is she's doing to me... it's distracting, really really distracting me.
"I'm not digging those kind of things, Selena."
"Yeah, whatever you say."
"I did try to invite your mother to the party, but I guess it's a hard no."
"Ivah just stop pushing it. The fact that I'm under this entertainment piss my father so much, aayain mo pa ang mama ko sa party ng ex niya."
"I'm just here for the drama you know."
"Stop pestering my parents!"
"Okay, okay! I just called to let you know that we are moving some of your schedules ahead. Please meet me tomorrow before your first meeting so we can work it through before the day starts."
"Sure, sure. Thank you." Ivah bid her goodbyes kaya naman binaba ko na agad ang tawag.
Nang lingunin ko si Emir ay tahimik naman siyang nakamasid sa akin. I couldn't help but frown when I saw how she deliberately tried to say something but decided to shut her mouth instead.
"What? What is it, Emir?"
"Nothing." Agad niyang tugon, as if trying to cover the fact that she indeed wants to say something.
"What is it? Sabihin mo na." Pagbabanta ko na agad niyang inilingan as if hiding it away would make me let go of it.
"I know that face, out with it already."
"Wala nga, Selena. Hindi ka na naman nakikinig."
"You were just about to say something, Emerson. Tell me now."
Isang buntong hininga muna ang pinakawalan niya bago ako ikutan ng mata. She whine a little when I pinch her because of what she did.
"C'mon, just tell me already!" Kunwaring inis kong saad kaya naman agad siyang napabuga ng isang mahabang hininga na tila kinakabahan sa sasabihin niya.
"I'm just curious, I know your mom per se but is she the ex- "
"Ohhh that." Natatawa kong saad na agad naman niyang ikinangiwi, maybe thinking that it's a sensitive topic.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it-"
"Ano bang sinasabi mo? Of course, it's okay to talk about it, my mom already knows about you -"
"W-What?!" Gulat na gulat niyang saad habang nanlalaki ang mga matang tinitignan ako, hindi makapaniwala sa mga sinabi. I chuckle a little before shaking my head, trying to lay low the amusement that I'm feeling seeing her like this... so out of her usual coolness.
"I just told her a while ago when I met her."
"Shit! Shit Shit! You did what? What did you tell her?!" Natataranta niyang saad na akala mo ipinakilala ko na siya mismo sa aking mama.
"I just told her I'm seeing you Emir." Mahinahon kong saad ngunit hindi mawala ang ngiti sa labi while watching her panic over the fact that I told my mom about us.
Oh she should reserve this kind of reaction when I introduce her to my dad.
"Should I bring her anything? Send her any gifts? I should call my sister to buy some designer bags-"
"Woah! Chill! Calm down, Emir! You are not doing such thing." Natatawa kong saad habang pinipigilan siya sa pag-dial ng numero ng kapatid sa kanyang phone.
"It is not enough? Should I opt for diamonds?"
"What? No! Of course not! Anything that will please my mom will piss my dad. He basically worship her. Baka kapag binigyan mo ng kahit anong mahal si mom ay pagbantaan ka ng ama ko." I jokingly said pero parang mas lalo siyang nanlamig sa sinabi ko.
"Baby, calm down. My mom is cool with whatever we have. You don't need to do such a thing." I assure her habang inaabot ang mga kamay niya to let her know that it's a good thing and not something to be bothered about.
"Whatever we have?" Nahimigan ko ang pagka-inis sa boses niya ng ulitin ang Sinabi ko. A shadow of worry wash over me na nagpatahimik sa akin.
She slowly pull her hands out of my touch bago kami tuluyang nilamon ng katahimikan. The look on her face tells me that she didn't like how I phrased what we had.
I mean we are together? How should I phrase it better to please her then?
I shut my eyes to silence my thoughts and how bad I am at justifying what I just said.
I was just about to say something ng biglang tumunog ang phone niya.
"Hello?" I remained silent the whole call. It looks like an urgent matter kaya naman ng matapos iyon at nakita ko ang pagbuntong hininga niya, I already know that she's bound to leave and I have to say that I didn't mean it that way.
I should apologize because it's so obvious that I've hurt her feelings.
"E-Emir..."
"I have to go. I'll just text you when I'm done." She said coldly before grabbing her things and left my room without even looking back.
I can feel my chest sunk in such feelings of loneliness. Looking at the door of where she left, the feeling of her never coming back scared me. Remembering how her ocean-blue eyes turned icy when I uttered those words makes me feel cold.
Babalik naman siya, right? She did say she's going to text me, right?
Ngunit lumipas ang gabi at inumaga na ay hindi ako nakatanggap ng kahit anong text at tawag mula kay Emir. I left a few messages to her this morning to let her know how my day will go through but she didn't even seen them... obviously and purposely ignoring me.
Kaya naman punong-puno ng inis akong pumasok sa office ni Ivah habang siya ay sinalubong ako ng may malapad na ngiti sa mga labi.
"Ohhh, someone's grumpy today." Pang-aasar niya kaya naman agad ko lamang siyang sinamaan ng tingin. She looks so eager to pissed me off kaya naman agad ko siyang inilingan at pabalang na naupo sa couch niya.
"George, I'm sorry pero can I ask for another coffee?"
"Ma'am Selene, pangatlo niyo na po-"
"It's okay, George. Go get us something cool to drink." Pagputol ni Ivah sa kanya na agad niyang tinanguan at sinunod. I rolled my eyes on Ivah pero hindi na nagawang umalma pa.
I don't have the energy to argue. I know my sched will be a lot today kaya naman hindi ko lubos maisip kung bakit nagsasayang ako ng emosyon para dito.
God!!! I hate this! I should focus on my work pero here I'm pestering myself, thinking where the hell she is and what she's doing!
"You have a long-hour shoot today, Selena. What's the matter?" Malumanay na tanong ni Ivah sa akin. I just shook my head, dismissing her questions.
I feel like the more I talk about it, the more real it becomes.
I know she didn't want to sit tight with what I told her - pero masisisi niya ba ako? I'm new to this kind of thing! Did she expect that I would put up a banner that where together or something?
God! What am I even thinking? I should console her feelings, not mine... I hurt her so I don't need to justify my actions... I need to validate and hear her.
"Okay, if you don't want to talk about it. Then let's talk about work. I already called the head of the shoot later pati na 'rin iyong makaka-partner mo. I like this clothing brand, Selena. I know you won't disappoint."
"I won't disappoint, Ivah. Besides, who will be the male model?"
"Josiah Sinclaire, you met him a few times in some of our gigs."
"Oh, the moreno one... actually I can't remember him." Sagot ko at marahang napahilot ng sentido. I simply peak at my phone on the coffee table pero ng makita ang itim na screen roon ay napabuga na lamang ako ng isang buntong hininga.
Do I have to feel like this the whole day? The whole fucking day?
Ivah reminded me of the upcoming anniversary party and how my dress is looking pero the whole time na nagsasalita siya ay nalipad ang utak ko. I can just remember the moments that I kept looking at my phone, hoping it would bling, and saw her texts.
Pero natapos na ang araw, ang mahabang shoot ko, ang debriefing after the shoot ay hindi man lang ako nakakuha ng kahit anong reply sa kanya.
Ang inis na kanina pa iniinda ay mas lalo yatang lumala dahil sa pang-aasar ni Ivah. She seems to enjoy the fact that I'm shooting with a partner today dahil kanina pa siya kuha ng kuha ng retrato.
I was trying to understand her frustration, pero to shut me out like this... the silent treatment - it's going to kill me!!!
With a hint of annoyance ay itinapon ko ang phone ko sa bag. Still no text from her and I'm about to go home. Fine! She can rot in wherever place she is right now! I'm done playing the big person here kahit alam naman ng lahat kung gaano ako ka-petty!
"Are you ready to go home, Miss Selene?" Tahimik lang akong tumango kay George before grabbing my bag and marching silently out of the room.
We did say our gratitudes before finally exiting the set. I just used my tiredness as an excuse to turn down there offer for a late dinner kaya naman nahihiya na 'rin silang pinabayaan akong makauwi.
I couldn't help but give out a long sigh while looking at my reflection on the doors of the elevator.
In my white tank top and a gray sweat pants, my pale skin and tired face shows it all. Gusto ko na lamang mahiga sa kama ko at itulog lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
I was waiting for her the whole day... to at least talk to me. Pero kahit isang message, kahit seen... hindi niya ginawa. I know I have hurt her. She needs time to sort out her emotions, to tend to her frustration but to leave me like this the whole day.
I don't want to end the day with this feeling of loneliness in me... as if I'm neglected... unloved.
Kaya naman ng marinig ang hudyat ng elevator ay napapikit na lamang ako. I want to scream and cry because I'm so upset the whole day, I don't even know how to handle this kind of heaviness in me.
I want to tell her that this kind of treatment is hurting me too, this kind of silence is killing me inside and I can't take it. It's too much for me...
I miss her so much already.
I slowly open my eyes, accepting the fact that I have to sleep with a heavy heart today. Hoping tomorrow would be a better day, that she would be the first person that I would see when I woke up. She would magically feel my loneliness and tend to me, that her feelings for me would always be greater than any negative emotions she had.
Kaya naman ng makita ang pares ng kulay dagat na mata sa harap ng elevator, naghihintay habang nakasandal sa sasakyan niya ay parang nagwala bigla ang puso ko sa bilis ng tibok nito. I couldn't help bu froze upong seeing her in flesh after the long day.
In a black cap, her hair tied back into a low messy bun, new oval glasses, and her beautiful bare face. Ang oversized black shirt niya at baggy jeans ay itinatago ang bawat korte ng katawan niya. She looks so dashing even without trying... God, I'm so smitten!!!
Nang makita niya na ako ay agad siyang napaayos ng tayo, as if seeing me awaken something in her.
"Miss Selene, hindi ba si Miss Emirs-" hindi ko na nagawang patapusin pa ang sasabihin ni George ng dali-dali akong tumakbo para makalapit sa kanya. My heart aches so much just by the sight of her in front of me.
I couldn't bear another second of not being with her. I feel like I'm drowning just by having a few meters of distance between us. I just know I have to cling to her, to have her skin touch me, feel her breath again, and smell her unique scent once again.
"Baby, you'll trip-"
Not even minding her words, I wrap my arms around her neck. Burying my face into her chest. Throwing myself over her without even thinking of a single consequence. I just need to be with her and nothing is more important than that right now. Fuck everything else, I need to be with her - this close to her.
"Selena..."
"How could y-you?" I whisper in a breaking voice as I bury myself more into her. The slight height difference makes me tiptoe just so I could cling to her more. I can feel her hands wrapping around my waist and her face burying on the side of my head, muffling my hair and sniffing me.
"I'm the one who's upset, Selena..." natatawa niyang tugon kaya naman agad akong umiling. A hearty laugh came out of her before planting a small kiss on my head.
"Okay then, baby... I'm sorry." She said with sincerity on her tone. Mas lalo naman akong naluha ng marinig iyon.
Suddenly all of the unwanted feelings inside of me were gone. All of my frustration, all that loneliness inside of me - all gone with just a few words from her. God! This is so unfair!!!
"You didn't text me the whole day... you didn't even look at my messages."
"I'm sorry, I was quite busy the whole day."
"Ako 'rin naman! I have a long shoot today, but I can message you!" I protested na agad niyang ikinahalakhak.
"I'm just frustrated, baby. I couldn't help but feel mad. I'm sorry." I know a few tears escaped my eyes when I heard her say those words. I should be apologizing too but my heavy heart wouldn't let me.
"I want to go h-home." I whisper to her, voice cracking because of my sobs. Naramdaman ko naman ang marahang pag-higpit ng yakap niya sa akin bago ako binulunga.
"Alright, we're going home, Selena. I'm going to take you home."