Jacob's Pov:
"Are you a major terrorist? Are you a convict? Are you a mass murderer? Well have I got the opportunity for you! On Monday the 49th of April you can gain immunity! All you have to do is come on James Corden's new show, the 'El Noche, Noche Show'! On Communist Way, Building 09. Don't be sad, Let James Corden's Light in!"
A slightly fluorescent poster clung to the wall. After non-stop walking for 3 straight days it was hard to tell if there actually was a poster or if I was delulu.
I didn't know what day it was so I asked these ladies. Who looked just about as crazy as I did, with their white dresses that were sort of cult like. Like Swedish spirits that sing about 2 comrades in the Mexican 1910 revolution.
They only looked at me incredulously and pointed to the massive Harry Styles calendar in the town centre. It was in-fact Monday the 49th of April. And coincidentally enough the studio was just down the road. Clearly, the god above wanted me to get back to my truest love, my honeybun, my pookie bear slay bean, my boo-thang, Danny.
Once again I was in a line which could either end in death or be a really great experience. I tried to not stare at all the ugly creatures and peasants; I didn't want to look even worse for TV. Oh did I mention? Well the 'El Noche, Noche Show' is broadcast on BBC, at quarter to 3, at night. So I am really hoping that BigBob's sleep schedule isn't messed up because something tells me that he wouldn't be too happy if I turned out to be still alive.
James Corden... what a man. If i wasn't here for Danny then I probably would've left like basically all the other evil purple people. It was against me and this terrorist group? Ultimately James chose me because I looked more friendly, and I spoke English. They didn't have a translator in the budget.
I finally got a shower, after so long. I got my greasy cut and washed. I finally became Tory looking again. However, I am pretty sure I got given steroids in my earl grey tea because I felt super hyper and bubbly (more than usual).
The smoke intoxicated every inch of me. The microphones screeched in anticipation for the main man himself to go on the air,
"HELLO EVERYBODY AND WELCOME TO THE 'EL NOCHE, NOCHE SHOW'!" A little ratty man exclaims.
Cue applause
"Now tonight's show is an extra special one." Dramatic pause, "now, time to meet Jacob ToryQueen!"
I held in a suppressed cough as I smile and wave. The plastic couch shattered my spine as I mistook it for a nice plush Tory one.
"Hey comrade, how's the ex-convict life treating you?"
Cue laughter
I laugh politely, "it's actually been pretty quiet, I haven't met any other mental people since leaving prison, but I guess that doesn't include you James,"
Cue laughter
James looked shocked for a moment, then he covered it up with a well rehearsed laugh and slapped me in the back harshly,
"Wow, a we have a fire-cracker tonight comrades!" He laughed with a malicious twinkle in his eye.
Cue cheering
"Now comrade, am I right in saying that you are a big fan of just dance?" He said. He grinned knowingly, secretly alerting the operator crew.
"Yes James, I used to play just dance everyday back home, I loved it so much, but not as much as you love to eat,"
Cue laughter
James once again paused then carried on with the script. I swear I saw his fifth chin tremble with irritation, from the thick saliva sliding down his gullet or his anger, professionals are still unsure.
"Well, it's crazy that you say that because we have a massive projector and Xbox 360 in the studio tonight! Comrades, give a hand for Jacob!" He yelled and clapped like the obese beluga whales at Sea World.
This was not a crazy assumption to make, as earlier I had filled out a form which stated what traits James could exploit me for.
But I still danced my heart out to Disturbia anyway, I can never stop, wanna have fun. James, however, was not having fun, maybe it was my charming demeanour, I'm not sure, he just seemed a bit angry. The show must go on.
I bow after my megastar score, everyone is flabbergasted at that. If you practice something everyday then you can get good at anything, James just chose a useless hobby that's all.
Cue applause
I sat more cautiously now on the plastic couch and I waited for James to initiate the next point of 'conversation'.
"Comrade I heard you have a little crush on a certain boy called Danny, is that correct?" He mentioned subtly. Now that was not on the form.
"Uh... yeah I guess," I chuckled nervously, "where did you hear that James?"
"Oh you know, just a little birdie, well no it was Danny's sister Carrot-Cake!" He laughed and gripped the seat as if he was having a heart attack from the far incasing his arteries, "Comrades, Carrot-Cake!"
James gestured towards the projector once again and Carrot-Cake came up on call.
(It is a well-known fact that people who love to put their hair in ponytails are not affected by memory exorcism or gay exorcism)
"Welcome Carrot-Cake, we understand you are busy working at BigBob's centre for the Crazies, we only ask you to answer this one question..." dramatic pause, "are you a JackDaniels shipper?"
"Yes," she said obviously and the call disconnected.
Cue cheering
"Now Jacob, to test how strong this crush is we are going to play a little game of..." dramatic pause,"kiss marry kill!"
Cue cheering
"Comrade, of course Danny is an option... but as a special treat we have the amazing, talented, winners of Mr and Miss universe! Please welcome Mark and Elle Brookey Arch Mirror!"
Mark winked at me and Elle Brookey Arch Mirror was still applied more fake tan even though she no longer looked white and had changed race. Maybe she should do a masterclass for the manifesters out there.
"So let's play comrade, who would you kill first of all!" He laughed.
"Mark," I said immediately.
An anvil dropped on his head, it's safe to say that I shouldn't try mouth to mouth to save him. It's not like he's an old lady who is walking up a hill and is struggling with the shopping.
A curtain fell around the crime scene, James was still grinning despite his mutated Botox.
"It's alright comrades! Mark will be up and at em tomorrow morning! All he needs is some TLC!" James exclaimed, "now comrade, who would you kiss?"
"Uh... Miss Universe, Elle Brookey Arch Mirror, I guess," I said slowly as I watched the fake tan melt off of her.
"Well go on comrade!" James finally looked happy at the thought of this.
"W-what?" I stuttered, I probably should've known that this wasn't hypothetical considering what happened to Mark and his multibillion dollar perfume brand.
I sighed and tried to smile. I went and accepted my fate, I only prayed that the fake tan did not stain my Tory skin.
It was an awful kiss but whatever it takes to get Danny back. That's what I need to keep reminding myself.
"That only leaves Danny, now sadly, we cannot get him here tonight as he was out on a date with Y/N or that being in my vicinity was against his morals, I don't know. But anyways comrades, we will be back after the short break!"
Wait what? Y/N and Danny actually go out?! No way, James must be lying for the ratings... surely?
Cue applause
The camera operator counted us down as we all waved. Then a thumbs up. James glared at me with thick rage,
"I AM GOING TO CRUSH-"
The producer cartwheeled over, oh my god, thank god, it was Miee,
"OMG! Jacob is that you, like actual? Btw you guys ate that up! The numbers are like so high, slay queens, I mean kings lol, oops,"
I sighed of relief, Miee was saving me from having to see James' fat build up on the walls of his gob.
"Hey Miee, wait I thought you worked in Conserve-A-Tory?"
"Yeah, omg! No, yeah, but no because actually like my mum bet up that puffy bitch! I mean she had it coming, just because I didn't want to take a customer's order because they were vegan. Like shut up weirdo, just eat what you are given. Be grateful stubby whore. And also this guy like showed me some video of like a horse doing like idk like a dance or something and it was like so funny. I tried to show that puffy bitch and she said that I couldn't watch it in the back room all day and i actually had to do work. So I was like, 'actual?' And she fired me, anyways, and then this dude down some alley was like 'want to see your toes' and I was like, 'how much then?' And he was like, 'nah jk, but like do you want like a job and that?' And I was like, 'yeah defos!' And now I like work here and like I am so buzzin because I get like actual money you know?
I nodded my head convincingly as if I could follow her story. The camera operator told everthat the break was ending in one minute, Miee said her goodbyes and it was back to the show.
3...2..1..
"Welcome back comrades!" James exclaimed, "now I think it's time for a game of masked singer, comrade there are two duets to guess, are we ready everybody?!"
Cue applause
The first duet came on and sung, 'Vampire' by Olivia Rodrigo. They seemed a bit fruity actually.
I kept guessing but I never got it right so I just gave up,
"The girls were... itchy itchy bum gum girl and secret sexist!" James yelled in shock like he didn't pick who was on the show.
Then the second duet came on and sung 'Crucified' by Army of Lovers. They also seemed a bit fruity.
However, this time it was easy to guess who the people were. Their fruitiness could be tracked anywhere. They finished there song with a romantic hug that lasted too long.
"James is that Arry and Lentil?" I asked in fake curiosity.
Confetti flew from the ceiling
Cue cheering
Yes it was then, what a shocker.
"Yes comrade! It was Arry and Lentil! Now that you have completed all of my games you have earned your immunity! Comrades, Jacob ToryQueen!" James handed me over an envelope. I smiled genuinely, as now I was a step closer to getting my boo-thang back.
CRASH!
A group of terrorists burst through the wall, it was that nun!
"LISTEN HEAR JACOB! WE ARE ELKA-EDA AND I WANT THAT IMMUNITY! GIVE IT HERE AND NO ONE GETS HURT!" Nun-Gozi screeched.
James, his chins and I were quaking.
"Um look Nun-Gozi, I will fight you for the immunity? How about that?" I said nervously
She cackled,
"Of course I will fight you girlie!"
TW: TURN BASED COMBAT
———————————————————————————
Jacob (100 HP) used Evil Witchcraft
That was very effective
Nun-Gozi (53 HP) used good omens
That was very effective
Jacob (10 HP) used a personality test
That was very effective
Nun-Gozi has fainted
Jacob has gained 32 XP
———————————————————————————
Now that I had won against Nun-Gozi, I finally, had my immunity and no one could take it away from me.
GREAT SUCCESS!
"Well... um goodnight comrades and we will see you agian next week for another episode of the 'El Noche, Noche Show', and remember, once a phagocyte always a phagocyte," James said a bit shaken up but still smiled and waved.
- 2017 words