ROOSTER
I don't believe it I had not only seen my birth mother before, but lived alongside her for years. She never said a word to me about being my mother I even talked to her about my mother that was her space to say something. I would have been mad yes and I would have gotten over it. Like now I would be over it but right now fuck her, I could stay there with her.
So I went back to my room and packed up all my shit, Rima's shit... I was leaving going to a hotel for a while, Jada was not asked to come but she packed up her stuff and came with me. When I went to the car Devin came to me trying to stop me, but I wasn't hearing it. I drove to the nearest hotel, but Jada being the richie she is didn't like the hotel I picked. So we went to Grand Geneva Resort & Spa
She had to get the top suite just crazy I didn't bother arguing with her I just wanted to get to the room and lay down. I wanted to sleep and just relax, chill and get my thoughts together. Once we got to the suite it was nice, real nice I found the room and laid there, closing my eyes.
"You hungry?" Jada asked she was holding Rima who was sleeping.
"No, want me to get her?" I asked
"No I got her going to lay her down then I'll be right back" she said I nodded with my eyes still closed. I just laid there thinking about all I heard she is my mother, she is my fucking mother how could she do this to me, how could she give me up and not come see about me.
Does she even know the life I have lived, does she even know the hell I was put through. Does she eve fucking care I don't give a shit I don't know how the fuck I feel, I just don't know. She not only broke my heart, she broke my expectations of how love is suppose to be. Who does this to a child they love, I mean it's been my dream to meet my mom when I was little even when I ran away from home I dreamed about her, meeting her. I dreamed the same dream for years I was scared that I will show up on her door step and she will tell me she just didn't want me.
I don't understand how you could leave a child you love. She has abandoned me yet I do still want to know her. Even though I have a foster mother who has been there for me and been in my life she isn't my mother. I feel like there is a part of me missing. There's a hole inside and only she can fill it. I wish she knew how much it hurts me to not know her or to know that she has 2 other children besides me yet I am the one she left the one she gave away. The sad thing is she broke my heart but I still need her and now I know who she is and how close she been it hurts even fucking more that I got so much emotions going through me.
They say that abandonment is a wound that never heals. I say only that an abandoned child never forgets, I never forgot I was reminded that my mother didn't want me everyday of my life while I was with my Uncle and Aunt. Since I was little my thinking is, 'My mom didn't love me. She left me, so this means I'm not lovable.' All my life I experience confusion and asked questions about why my mother left me. I feel guilt, believing that I did something so bad; that it made my mother leave me behind.
I'm fearful of developing bonds with other adults–teachers, foster parents or caregivers, still till this day I'm different around my foster parent and they have to tell me to relax. I believe that if I begin to love the new adult, that person will also leave and it happened Tianza came I loved her and she left. I grieved for the lost relationship I had as I grow older, I started hating her. I didn't hang out with many kids cause of the sadness and confusion when I hear others talk about their mothers or when I saw Shannon doll over my cousins. It is difficult for me to see other children and cousin experiencing a normal life with an intact family.
I would lie in bed at night or lie on the floor of the closet and cry and wonder what did I do wrong for her to not want me, for her to let my uncle, aunt take me and abuse me. I screamed for my mother at times when I was being raped, all my uncle said was "She didn't want you and I can see why your fucking worthless" I'm worthless cause she didn't want me.
I remember when they would go out on vacation and leave me there 'locked away' but I still got out then I was like why should I care about doing well, if nobody was there to see? I started fighting and stealing phones on the subway, and I joined a gang. Gangbanging took the stress away because I was not holding in my emotions anymore; I was taking them out on other people. If people gave up on me and stopped caring about me then nothing would matter. This thought was comforting.
I didn't give a shit as I got older when I ran away from home I was gone a for a while I thought of my mother as if she could see me and help me... Doubt if I took that shit from her but being in the wind the people I met at a bar in the bathroom offered me a line of coke. I felt elusive; I could think faster, it boosted my creativity. It felt like nothing I had ever felt before. It felt like heaven. Coke liked me and I definitely liked coke.
The first time I went over to his apartment, his roommate offered me a line. I thought, what the hell, one line couldn't hurt. A few days later, I bought two grams from him; it was good I was on cloud nine. Coke was fun at first, but after a few weeks, the come down was unpleasant. Not to mention, sitting in paranoia half the night, the enjoyment had worn off. It was now an addiction. I was coked up one day that I didn't know what I was doing till I laid down on a park bench and passed out. I woke up I don't know how long I was out, I came too in a hospital bed and I remember thinking if I was a worthless shit and I should have died.
This is all because my mother didn't want me, no one wanted me... I turned to my side and cried, cried, cried and cried some more. I cried all night long till I fell a sleep and when I did wake up I started up crying all over again. I had went back to sleep, I got a call from Mark, and Sal they wanted to go out help me take my mind off my problems. I spoke with Jada and she said for me to go out and she will watch Rima for me.
That they were going to have a movie night and play with her dolls, I hugged her tight and thanked her as I kissed Rima and I left. When my niggas took me out they took me out and to forget it all, what I did want, I assured them, was to get totally shit faced! Now for this, they had me covered! I got more than shit face, Mark brought me back up to my suite and let me in. I walked more so stumbled to Jada's room where the door was closed.
Jada awoke to a strange banging on the bedroom door. At first she was startled. The last thing she remembered was fingering her phone and looking at the text message where Sia had texted her asking for them to meet tomorrow for lunch.
She got up and went to the door opening it seeing me standing there well leaning there. I looked like had too many, but I still had my sweet, and gentle look in my eyes.
"Hey beautiful," I said, just a little too loudly.
"Hey Rooster shh...Remember Rima is asleep. It's 5 AM. " she said bringing me in and shutting the door. I was a bit wobbly so she helped me sit down at the foot of her bed. I pulled her into my arms laying on his side I kissed her forehead then kissing her softly on the mouth, I put her hand on my stomach.
"I want to show you something," I murmured into her neck.
"What do you want to show me little chicken?" she said her fingers in his curls.
"I think.... it still is something special I... I want to show you, it's in my pants baby. Don't you wanna see it. You smell good Jada I'm sleepy, I'll be good baby, I just want to sleep next to you, I want to cuddle you, nothing naughty, promise," I said peeling off my shirt.
"I want to cuddle you too. Of course you can cuddle me in the bed, just don't make too much noise, you'll wake up Rima come lay on me," she said pulling into her chest. She chuckled to herself, because she was just about to ask me what was so important that I wanted to show her, but once my head hit her chest and she was rubbing my head I was knocked out cold into sleep.
*** ** *** **
I was surprised to find myself in Jada's arms and it looked close to the afternoon the way the light poured in through the curtains. I wasn't even sure where I was at first, but before I even opened my eyes, there was no mistaking where I was, with her intoxicating scent. She was still cradling my head, I could feel it, and hadn't gotten up yet.
The next thing I felt was the hammering and throbbing in my temples, and the stinging in my stomach. And, directly after that, I felt remorse. I'd been drunk as a lout and stumbled in to show Jada something. I couldn't remember doing that, I bungled the shit all up. I looked up into her big brown eyes, and she looked away from the phone she had cradled in her hand, smiling at me.
"Hey" she said
"Hey, where's Ri?" I asked
"She's right there on the floor playing with her toys" she said I didn't look but I could hear her that I finally listened.
"Now the only question I want you to answer is do want to have breakfast at Denny's or something or do you want me to fix you something. You need to eat something and soak up all that damn alcohol in your system," she said looking at him.
"You're mothering me. I kinda like it just don't get too carried away." I said
"No problem but question you said you wanted to show me something what was it?" she asked... I thought for a minute and dug in my pocket and handed her a box. I watched her as she opened it and looked at it then smiled.
"I know that it's not the fancy things you like but when I saw it I thought of you." I said she took it out and I helped her put it on. We all chilled out and ordered room service, we just was going to stay in this room and I was babysitting my hangover which Jada was trying her best to help, this was a good thing to keep my mind off of how I was feeling.