"Delaney, what happened? Please call me back."
"Delaney, I'm so worried about you, please let me know you are safe."
"Baby, please don't leave me."
"I just heard the news, I'm on my way."
I play all of Noah's voicemails, while I wait on my mom to pick me up at the airport.
I see my parent's car pull up to the curb, the car doesn't come to a full stop before my mom throws open the door, pulling me into her. I bury my head in her neck as a fresh wave of tears barrel out of me. I had cried so much on the flight I didn't think I had any tears left.
My dad comes to hug me, but gently shuffles us to the car. People were starting to stare at the exchange. My mom sat in the backseat with me, my head on her shoulder while she stroked my hair. It's the middle of the night, so I don't protest when they take me back to their house.
"Delaney, where's Noah?"
My heart pinches painfully in my chest, I just left him without any explanation. Finn dying had put me in fight or flight, and I flew away from him as fast as I could. All of my worries come back tenfold, why wasn't my first thought to seek comfort in him? What did that say about our relationship? I want to believe that I knew I couldn't take him away from tour, but that wasn't it. I got scared and I ran.
"I think I messed up," I confess.
"We mere humans do that from time to time," she says, patting my thigh.
"I just hopped on a plane, disregarding that Noah was close with Finn too. He's already heard the news, and I was only thinking of myself and I fucking left."
"Well, fix it," she replies, as if it's that simple.
"He did say he was getting on a plane, maybe I should get him from the airport," I chew on my lips and run my hands through my hair.
"How about you let daddy drive you?" She says gently. I nod at her. "He won't be in for a few more hours, why don't you try to get some sleep?" I nod again and curl up on the couch while my mom covers me with a soft blanket.
Sleep would not come for me though, I was in so much pain it physically hurt. My best friend was gone, forever. And Noah, I had just walked out on him. I had made a lot of bad decisions in my life, this one I fear was the worst.
"Ready to go pumpkin?"
I smile weakly at my dad as we walk back out to the car. I press my face against the cold glass of the window, I was sure all the tears had dried up by now. My dad reaches across the console and grasps my hand loosely while we drive.
My chest aches as I pull myself out of the car to step inside the pickup doors, I don't want to miss Noah. It would already be a miracle if I had caught him in the crowd. I finally spot him and watch a series of emotions play across his face.
Shock, at seeing me. Pity, as he saw my face. Relief, that I was okay and I was here. Grief, as he realized the news was real.
Noah's long legs reach me in four strides, standing before me tentatively. It broke my heart to see him struggle with whether he should comfort me or give me space. My eyes water again before I step into him, hugging him tightly around his torso. His strong arms blanket me and I feel the pressure of his lips on the top of my head.
"I'm so sorry," I tell him as fresh tears spring to my face, crying in earnest now.
"I know I said you could leave whenever you want, but for the love of god, Delaney, please at least say goodbye." I want to chuckle, but guilt and grief waged a war inside of me. I nod at him instead.
"Let's go," Noah whispers, taking my hand.
My dad was waiting patiently for us to come out. The sun was just coming up, but I still wasn't tired. My mom had coffee waiting for us when we got back.
"Y'all can try to grab some sleep or power through."
"I'm not tired," I look to Noah. He shakes his head and pours us both a cup of coffee.
"Tell me what happened," I say, my voice small.
"They we're driving home from dinner and they were hit by someone who ran a redlight. The hit head on, and the car caught on fire. There was nothing anyone could do."
I feel rage surge through me and cloud my vision. "Someone was in such a hurry that ran a redlight and killed my best friend?"
"The other driver had a heart attack while he was driving," my mom explains, I feel like an asshole, but I can't tamp down wanting to blame the other driver. However, that man dying wouldn't bring Finn back.
"Is he okay?"
"Yes, he made it."
My heart twisted, "good."
"Finn and Ashley's families are getting together to make arrangements today, they want you to be there."
"I'm too young to make arrangements for my friends, mom." My tone had bite to it, but she doesn't look offended.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, baby." I nod, and lean into Noah. His hand rubbing soothing circles on my back.
"I guess I should get ready," I say looking at Noah. He quietly follows me up the stairs to my childhood bedroom.
"Aren't you going tell me this is where the magic happens?" Noah gestures to the queen sized bed nestled in the corner with the zebra print bedspread. I let out a strangled laugh. Laughing didn't feel right, I shouldn't get to feel any kind of happiness when I had lost one of the most important people in my life.
"I'm going to shower," I tell him. He waves me off as he continues to look around my room.
My parents rent out their house while they're out to sea, so the bathrooms are stocked with towels and toiletries all the time. I hadn't even thought to bring my own. I step into my small bathroom and turn on the water and step inside, not bothering to close the door. I stay in the spray of the water longer than I should, my tears mixing with the water.
Noah sticks his head in, but I don't look up at him. I guess I really had been in here too long. His face falls as he takes me in, sitting on the floor and hugging my knees to my chest. Sobbing.
"I wish I could take this pain away from you," Noah sighs, he sits on the floor next to the shower and rubs small circles on my back.
I shake my head furiously, "I would never wish for you to feel like this, even if I would feel better. I know you are hurting too."
"Let's get you dried off," Noah suggests, shutting the water off and wrapping a towel around my body. He helps me step out, "You got it?" He asks. I nod and wrap my hair up in the towel, and pull clothes from the bag I had hastily packed.
I nod and wrap my hair up in the towel, and pull clothes from the bag I had hastily packed. Noah dips into the shower, I was sure he hadn't showered since before the show last night. He smells of sweat, and his hair is greasy. I spray some product in my hair to tame my waves and brush on some mascara, I didn't have the energy for anything else.
"Let's go get you something to eat," Noah offers soothingly.
Most of the time Noah's tone was commanding, and intimidating, today it was soft and calming and I was sure it was for my benefit. Noah and I walk down stairs where my mom had whipped up French toast. My favorite. My stomach rolled thinking about it.
"I don't think I can eat."
"At least a piece of toast or some fruit," he orders firmly. I nod and grab a piece of toast and a banana.
Noah eats a few pieces of French toast, to humor my mother. I feel bad that she made me something to make me feel better, but I couldn't possibly eat, let alone enjoy something when I was never going to enjoy food with Finn again.
I wouldn't share anything with him ever again
Finn wouldn't be at my wedding, he wouldn't meet my children. He wouldn't get to have any kids of his own. He wouldn't get to see Ashley grow old. We wouldn't get to have children together and watch them grow up best friends.
Fresh tears sprang to my eyes and I sat the half eaten toast down.
"How am I going to face his family when I can't keep my shit together?" I ask out loud, frustrated, to no one in particular.
"They will understand, baby, everyone is going to be sad," my mom says gently, pulling me into a hug.
My mom hands her keys to Noah, but I take them out of her hand. "I need to drive," I say, "I need to be in control of something before I spiral."
My mom nods, but exchanges a silent sentiment to Noah with her eyes. "She can do this, but make sure she doesn't kill y'all," is what the look says.
Noah and I drive to Finn's house in silence. There were already several cars in the drive way. I let myself inside, Laura, Finn's mom, rushes to pull me into a hug. She sobs against me, and I feel tears prick my eyes, but I was going to be strong for her.
"Delaney, I'm so glad you are here," she smiles through her tears. "Noah, it's so good to see you," she pulls him into a hug next.
I didn't know Ashley's family that well, they were sitting around the kitchen table watching the exchange. I wave tentatively at them as we make our way to them. Ashley's mom and stepdad look rough, but their faces were dry. They were talking about what a lawyer had already told them about Finn and Ashley's will and what they wanted their arrangements to be.
I didn't know Finn had a will, but I already knew Finn wanted to be cremated and sprinkled at the foot of the twin falls at Rock Island. Ashley had updated her will to say she wanted to be spread with him. We were too young to have a will.
We make a plan to drive up tomorrow to fulfill their wishes. I hug Laura again on my way out, and hand Noah the keys. "Today has been too much," I say, sagging against the passenger seat.
"You are so strong," he replies, kissing my hair and starting the car.
"I just want to sleep until tomorrow," I whine.
"You need to eat something," Noah reminds me. My stomach was queasy from all the coffee I had had. I nod anyway. "What do you want?"
"I don't really want anything," I sigh, pressing my cheek against the glass.
Noah didn't demand I tell him what I wanted to eat, he just drove to the Taco Bell by my parents house, ordered all of my favorite things, and took me home. He picked up all the slack that I had dropped when I got that awful phone call. He was my rock, my sanity, and he was still my carefree and wild. I loved him so much it hurt as a new wave of grief hit me. What would I do if I lost Noah? I was sure I wouldn't be able to go on. My heart hurt as I thought about Finn.
I remember the first day I met him like it was yesterday. It was the first day of sixth grade, I had been living out of zone for my old school and my parents were going to have to start paying for me to stay in that school. So, I would be starting new at Pleasant View Middle. I had already had a morning. I kept getting lost, no one had talked to me, and I was pretty sure all the teachers hated me.
I brought my lunch from home but I was too nervous to eat, I had sat at an empty table, chewing on a Twizzler as I watched my new classmates. It was ten minutes after lunch had started and I was beginning to think no one else was going to sit here.
Finn, wearing all black and eyeliner, sat next to me.
"Do you like oranges?"
I had nodded at him, too afraid to speak.
"Gross, here."
I laughed at him, but offered him my candy in exchange for the orange.
"Finn," he said gruffly with a mouth full of food.
"Delaney," I tell him, peeling the orange.
"That's too long, mind if I call you Lanes?"
"I've never had a nickname before," I told him, thoughtfully.
"Well now you do."
We were inseparable from that moment on.
Noah puts the bags of food on my parents kitchen table, he had even though to pick them up some food. The four of us sat around the table, while they chat. I was completely checked out as I nibble on the food. My heart squeezes painfully as I pour myself a glass of wine. I just needed one glass, to help me sleep. No one says anything as I sip the wine quietly.
"I think I want to go to bed now," Noah smiles weakly and helps me upstairs.
I peel my clothes off, grabbing a pair of shorts I hadn't seen since high school and slide into my old bed. It smells of fresh laundry detergent. Noah looks around, unsure of what to do.
"Don't leave me," I beg, tears springing to my eyes. It was a loaded statement, don't leave me alone in this bed. But also, don't leave me the way Finn did.
"Never," he replies, a hard promise in his voice as he cuddles against me. His fingers combing through my hair and humming softly to me, lulling me to sleep.
The sun was just coming up when I wake the next morning. I had managed to sleep through the afternoon and all of last night.
"Morning sleepyhead," I startle and turn to Noah. He was watching me.
"Mornin'," I smile.
"I was afraid I was never going to see you smile again," he rubs my cheeks with his thumbs as he kisses me gently.
"Finn wouldn't want me to mope, as much as I want to," I sigh. Noah kisses my forehead. "After we get done spreading his ashes, I want to get back to the tour."
"Are you sure? You can take some time, spend some time with your family."
"You are my family," I tell him, my voice thick with conviction.
Noah closes his eyes, reverently, kissing me again. "You are mine."
Noah and I got ready for the day, and I ate a large stack of French toast. I think I had worried everyone yesterday, but I woke up with a new attitude. I was still in unmeasurable pain, but if you let it, grief has a way of eating away at all the good things.
Positives today; I still had my family and Noah, Finn and Ashley were together wherever they were, I would always have the best friend with the best hugs.
Noah and I met Laura and Ashley's family at the dam, just under the twin falls. The area had had a lot of rain lately and water poured from the falls.
Laura sobs through her speech, Noah holding onto her tightly as she speaks. Ashley's parents are stoic as they say a few words. I know I have to go next, but I don't want to. I don't want to say goodbye to my best friend. I wasn't ready.
"I swear I'll keep you with me everyday, in every adventure I go on," I say quietly as we release handfuls of ash. A silent tear races down my cheek as a look up at the falls, and the sky above it.