I finally finished raking the infield. Perfect lines brushed into the dirt from base to base, all that I needed to do was wait for the freshman team to finish cleaning around the pitchers mound. In an act of light hazing, some of the varsity players had convinced those kids that the in field grass needed to be hand cut. Watching them crawl their way around the grass, snipped each blade with scissors to ensure they were the same height, always made us laugh. I'm not sure when this became a tradition, but I did it when I first joined the team also.
Peeling the shirt off my back, I used the fabric to dry the sweat from my forehead. The sun was beating down hard today.
Making my way to the dugout in search of water, I noticed coach talking to someone I'd never seen before.
"Slater, come over here a minute." Coach hollered, hiking the waistband of his pants higher over his large gut. He was often winded from the twenty foot walk from the locker room to the field. None of the guys on the team ever believed he had played ball before.
"What's up, coach?" I jogged over.
"This is Mr. Sterling, he's the recruitment officer for Stanford."
Holy shit. Stanford?
Coach continued, "He wanted to have a sit down with you about your college plans. I've got some things to wrap up, why don't you get cleaned up and go have a chat in my office?"
"Yes sir." I shook both their hands and went in to the dugout quickly.
I dumped a water bottle in my hands to splash on my face. Grinning with sudden excitement, I tried to control myself. Stanford would be huge. With the extra workload over the last few months, I didn't think I had grades nearly good enough for a school like that. I pulled on a clean shirt. How long had they been watching me play? Dad said I had been slacking lately. To be on that team would set my career in stone. Swiping deodorant over my armpits quickly, I shook off any lingering nerves. Time to go impress this guy.
Ducking into coach's office, Mr. Sterling was looking over the plaques on the wall. The list of team and individual player accomplishments seemed endless. Several of those polished gold plates had my name and number on there.
"You got quite the canon, Anthony." The recruiter said as I closed the door behind me.
The plastic blinds rattled against the small window of the door. The air conditioner clicked on from underneath the window, blowing a cold gust of air at the two of us. Mr. Sterling leaned against the coach's L-shaped desk. The old wood creaked under his weight. My eyes were fixated on the emblem embroidered on the upper left corner of his dark red shirt. The capital S surrounded by dark green trees was tempting me.
Stanford would be the ideal school. If only it wasn't so far. I felt a pang of guilt in my gut. It would be much harder to visit Stephanie if I was that far away.
"I'll cut to the chase," Sterling said, tucking his phone back into his slacks, "We'd like you on the team. Your batting stats are on par with our starting line up, and you have a well deserved reputation at third. We could use a defenser like you on our side. I'm not sure what other offers you're juggling right now, but Stanford can give you a full ride for four years."
"A full ride?"
"Do you know what you plan to study? It would be good to have something to fall back on when you're done with the game. A lot of athletes, in all sports, forget their back up plan. Then you get a bad season or an injury, you get dropped from the team, a lot of guys go downhill after that. Burn through their money, no job prospects cause all they know is the game. A career in sports is a gamble each time you step on to the field."
I nodded with understanding.
"You have a lot of promise, kid. You're going to do some big things, we can all see it. And we want you see you do it in our colors. We can help you with the academics, so long as you've got a good plan."
"My dad said I should major in business. It won't take up too much of my schedule so I can still focus on playing."
"And that's what you want to do?" He raised his eye brow at me.
"Yeah, I think so." I didn't know the honest answer.
Mr. Sterling bobbed his head, pulling his phone out again to check the screen. He paused for a moment before grabbing a business card from his other pocket and jetted it towards me, "Think it over. Call me on Monday with your decision. We'd love to get a commitment from you sooner than later. Deal?"
"Sounds good, Mr. Sterling."
"Call me Thom. I look forward to hearing from you, champ."
"Right," the moment felt surreal. "Thanks, Thom."
***
Showered, fed, and in my best attempt to look good, I finally made it to Brett's house. He and John were already out back, passing a joint back and forth on one of the old sofas. We called them the 'crash couches' since that was where most of us and our friends ended up at the end of a party.
"Aaand he's late again!" They both laughed.
"Ha, ha." I replied flatly and thumped down on the couch beside them.
John offered me the smoke, I decline as always. It never bothered me to be around them when they got stoned, but I hated the feeling. I wanted to always be in control of my body.
Once the joint was all used up, I went over to help Brett's dad tap the keg. A few kegs actually. Looking at the silver drums of beer, I began to wonder just how many people were going to show up. Maybe it was a mistake to bring Stephanie here. Parties were never my scene, I get so uncomfortable in a crowd. I don't want her to think I'm weird.
Maybe it's not too late to cancel. I pull out my phone to check the time. But she looked so excited.
Some cars began to pull in. I go to lurk in the corner, hoping to hide from any unnecessary social interactions until I see my girl. As I step into the far side of the barn, waving some gnats out of my face, I notice a picnic set stuffed under the fold out tables. The wicker basket was filled with blankets and pillows. The idea filled my head with certainty. I'll let Stephanie experience Brett's redneck rager for awhile, then we can slip away and have our own date.
I pulled out the basket and headed for the fields out back. Far enough from the barn and any piles of cow poop, I made sure it would be an easy walk for my girl. It was easy to find the perfect spot; surrounded by wild flowers and soft green grass, I knew we could lay here after the sun had set and have a full view of the stars. Brett's house was far enough from the city to have no light pollution. Feeling the excitement budding in my chest, I know all the constellations and could not wait to share them with Stephanie.
I always thought she seemed like the kind of girl who really likes stars and stuff, after all. Maybe it's because she's an artist. Or maybe it's her eyes. I can't look at those big blue eyes without feeling like I'm staring straight into the heart of the Milky Way galaxy.
When Stephanie and I first started talking, I fell in love so fast, she became my whole world. Each day we spend together, that feeling only grows. Just like the universe. A date night under the stars only makes sense.
An hour or so later, the party was under way. The best part about a party at Brett's place was the way it made absolutely everyone feel. Anyone was welcome. The only rules were not to drive home if you were drinking and to leave your worries at the door. That was exactly what they did.
I watched in both confusion and amusement. Whether they had known each other for a lifetime or less than a minute, everyone coexisted like good friends. They stacked plastic cups across the tables to play beer pong, they congregated in the middle of the unofficial dance floor, sharing drinks and smokes and funny stories as if this was what they had always done. It felt almost bittersweet to watch the scene, knowing it was one of- if not the last party at Brett's barn. I might even miss his obnoxiously high bpm playlists. At least the company is good.
Stephanie and her brother walked up from the wall of parked cars. A smile crept across my face as she got closer. Looking cute as ever in her dusty cowboy boots, Stephanie wore those ripped up black denim shorts I liked, a lacy tank top and her grey cardigan over top. I loved how soft that knit cardigan was. Though I couldn't help but wonder if she wore it to cover something. I know she had been trying, but I will never not worry about her. I need to find a way to check her arms.
"Hey, you." Her voice was like music. I hugged her, smelling the sweet fragrance of her shampoo.
"There's my girl." I replied.
Her brother made his presence known. "Sup, man?"
"What's up?" I answered, reaching out to shake his hand, "Congrats on finishing school."
"Thanks. Glad to be done with it for now. Till college starts up, I guess. Where are you going?" he asked, half laughing. This was the same polite small talk everyone our age has received the last few months. I dreaded answering that question more and more. I didn't know how to talk about it in front of Stephanie. She had been supportive before, but I knew she was worried. We were both sad and avoiding the topic.
"It's between Cal State and Chico right now." I lied. They had reached out to me also, so it wasn't a complete lie. Now wasn't the time to bring up everything with Stanford. I watched her from the corner of my eye as Stephanie leaned her whole weight into me. She was so light.
"Nice, nice. I'm heading east, University of South Carolina. It's actually more southeast, I guess. They have a good music program. I love playing music; piano, guitar, I play trombone in the school band. I probably won't study music though, there aren't a lot of good jobs for musicians unless you happen to get famous, you know? I'll probably study criminal justice. There's good job security in it." Cameron rambled on for minutes, going back and forth about his prospective majors.
His complaints and praise dragged on. He thought about things all the way through, and with heavy consideration, just like me. Am I that boring?
Stephanie has been really quiet. I was just about to excuse us from Cameron's attention to go talk to her alone when Brett made his way over. Like a champion of beer, he greeted us with freshly opened bottles and a toast.
"Tony! Let's fucking go!" He was absolutely stoned out of his mind.
I couldn't help but laugh as we clicked the glass bottles together and took a drink. I noticed Stephanie's face grimace ever so slightly. These IPAs did taste a bit bitter. Brett threw his bottle on the ground as he returned to the epicenter of the party. Cameron had just wandered off with a few of his friends when I noticed Monica sneak out back with some of her friends.
Jenny was with her. Jenny had also warned me about the other company that Monica had been keeping. Cheating on Brett wasn't new for her, but we all recently found out who she had been hooking up with most recently. A certain scumbag that I was more than willing to beat the shit out of. Again.
I guess his broken nose was too ugly for even Monica and she came crawling back to Brett. I wish he would stop forgiving her.
I glanced down again, Stephanie had already finished her drink and was wiggling about like she was about to break into some elaborate choreography.
"Need another one?" I laughed as she tried to stifle her dancing.
***
I glared at Jenny with frustration. Stephanie was hammered.
It did not take long for her to finish off the flask of whiskey Jenny had shared from her purse. The girls leaned against each other beside me on the couch. Stephanie's eyes were heavy as she gazed into the fire, Jenny was braiding her hair. They both laughed over their nonsensical conversation.
"No, yeah, no. Thas what I mean, cause like-" Stephanie slurred her words, stopping suddenly went the music from the barn changed. She gasped and jumped to her feet, "I fucking love this song!"
"You wanna dance?!" Jenny hopped up and took Stephanie by the hand.
"Fuck yeah!" Stephanie practically yelled. The two went running for the barn as the 70's music swelled through the air. I was still frustrated at their recklessness, but it was nice to see Stephanie getting along with my friends. They were both so happy and silly; all I could do was roll my eyes and laugh. I rolled slowly off the couch to follow them. The scene inside the barn was more than I could have imagined.
One of the plastic fold out tables was drug into the middle of the floor. The dusty floor turned slightly to mud, matted with hay, under spilled drinks and other mysterious liquids. On top of the table, bare foot and eyes shut, Stephanie danced her little heart out. Her arms swayed above her head, she bounced on the ball of her foot, tossing her hair back and forth as the music roared around her.
As I watched my girl dance, the world slowed down again. In slow motion, her small features moved so naturally. She looked like a fairy twisting and floating above the crowd. The light glowed through her mousy brown hair, her smile radiating, she looked so beautiful that I almost wanted to get up there and dance with her.
Instead, I watched on in awe. Stephanie sang along loudly as the speakers played out ABBA's greatest hits. She knew every word. Everyone cheered her on. She engaged with her audience like a pop star. I clapped for her, we all did, as the music slowed down.
Stephanie stumbled over her feet as she tried to stand still on the wobbly table. Breathing fast, she brushed her hair out of her face. I've never seen her smile so big. I got closer, helping her hop down.
The hymn of a love song filled the air around us.
Her hand wrapped around my neck, "That was so fun!"
"You're amazing."
She leaned against me, humming and swaying her hips. I held her waist and followed her lead. I didn't have very good rhythm on my own, but I'll try my best.
Her body grew heavy. As the song ended, I lifted her into my arms so we could go back outside. Stephanie's eyes were closed the entire time, she may have fallen asleep the moment I set her down on the couch.
***
I stood outside the door, listening to Stephanie sing to herself in the bathroom. Tomorrow's hangover would be killer, but it was kind of fun to see her let go like this.
"What?" She slurred as she swung open the door.
I laughed, "I love you."
"I love you, too." She rubbed her eyes, smudging her make up. I lifted her once again, leading her to the field for our date under the stars. She kicked her feet happily as I held my girl.
When we arrived at the dark picnic, Stephanie flopped down on the blanket. She looked so content. I cozied up beside her, pulling another blanket over her. Looking into those eyes, I felt a deep sadness in my heart. It was an ache greater than any soreness I have felt in my body before.
"I really love you, Steph."
Her eyes were heavy. I could smell the liquor on her breath. Even in the darkness, I was enticed by her shimmering lips. She inched closer, nuzzling into me. I held her back tightly; afraid that she was a dream that I would wake up from if I let her go.
"I don't want to leave you." I whispered.
"Do you think my parents are gonna know I'm drunk?"
My head fell back onto the pillows as I laughed. It was painfully obvious how much she had to drink.
None of that mattered right now. I heard her breathing slow as her body relaxed on mine. She was asleep. As I gazed up at the stars, feeling a stinging in my eyes as the sadness settled on me. The distant orbs were glowing bright against the black sky. In the quiet grass I thought about the little time we had left together. We have two months before I leave for college. Even though I wasn't sure where I was going, I knew it would be too far. I can't ask her to wait for me, can I? I would only be holding her back.
How was I ever supposed to go?