hii, i'm sorry it took longer than a week, but I had some exams. Hope you enjoy <3
The ride took longer than usual. Our college was in a town that wasn't that big, it was possible to go anywhere in 20 minutes with car, but this time it took 40 minutes. The ride was peaceful, the sun setting in a blaze of colors, the sky adorned in its dark blue attire. The warmth of the weather caressed my face through the window, the gentle wind playing with my hair as we listened to soft melodies without talking.
He finally stopped the car in a forest-like place. A place I had never been before. As we got out of the car, he motioned me to follow him with his hand. I did as he wished, followed him, walking between green trees, breathing in the air filled with oxygen, moisted grass underneath our feet. We could hear the birds singing, as well as our foot-steps. We stopped walking when we arrived to a lake. He sat down on a big rock, there was place for me to sit down too but I wanted to observe this beautiful scenery more, so I kept standing up. He didn't say anything, as he knew how beautiful this place was to look at. I looked at the newly set stars and the moon that was reflecting a little bit of light to this peaceful night.
"This place is beautiful." I said, still looking at stars. It was obvious that I was very impressed with all I'd seen.
"I know." He said simply.
"I've never been here before, where are we?"
"We are out of Stohess."
I didn't say anything, went up to him and sat next to him on that big rock. It was obvious that he had came here multiple times. But why did he brought me up here? It seemed too far away from everything. Realizing that we were completely alone in a forest began to make me nervous, from previous experiences. I felt embarressed, the Jean that I used to know wouldn't hurt anyone, maybe besides Eren, but now I felt uncomfortable from the ambuguity. I adjusted my sitting, noticing Jean was looking at me. My sudden emotion-shift was obvious to him. I could see he was getting uncomfortable aswell. He got up and stepped away a bit.
We didn't talk for few moments as the air between us had became tense. I didn't want to imply anything to him but I was simply nervous. Though his movement made me relax a little, remembering those memories made me feel uneased.
"You used to have a motocycle, I don't see it around anymore." Jean said, attempting to move on from that weird feeling.
"I sold it last year." I said, with a serious tone.
"Why? You loved it. You even named it, what was the name? B-something." His memory surprised me.
"I needed the money."
My response created another unpleasing tension between us. The uncertainy about everything was heavy and we had to go through it everytime we spoke. There was a slight pause but I continued talking, since he remembered a little detail about me, I felt the need to keep the conversation going.
"It was named Bianca." My response refreshed his memories.
"White... What a stupid name for a black motorcycle."
Him messing with me annoyed me.
"That was the point."
"What was the point, that you're blind?" His voice was arrogant with a hint of mockery.
"No, there was hardly any-" I paused "Why am I explaining this to you, as if you care."
"Wasn't I the one who asked?" He said, his tone became serious once more. He was looking down on me with his stupid arrogant eyes. I sighed.
"They didn't have any white motorcyles anyway. I found naming a black one 'white' kind of poetic. It reminded me of yin-yang. It also helped that I thought 'Bianca' was a cool name, too." I said, slightly embarrassed. Explaining myself and my meaningless logic to this stranger that only had intentions of making fun of me was not really comfortable.
"Why would you want a white one? Everything you own is black." He kept questioning me, I was surprised that he was acting interested. Was it to make me relax more? Cause if so, it was working, it seemed more plausible that he was simply changing subject, rather than being genuinely interested in these unimportant details about me.
"That's exactly why. 'yin-yang' again, I guess."
It was hard to tell him all these things without feeling very shy, but I didn't want him to know that I was being shy around him, so I was trying my best to keep it cool.
He kept his face straight, his arrogant look now fading into more of a thoughtful expression.
We shared another moment of silence, but our discussion had made my worries go away. I wasn't feeling threatened anymore, and I wanted him to know that too. So I patted the rock looking at him, implying that I wanted him to sit back down next to me. He did as I wanted. We kept watching the lake, that was now dark blue with a small glimpse of moonlight. I could see the little motions of the water, caused by the wind.
He broke the silence. "How could you accept them back that easily?"
His question startled me as I wasn't expecting it. I tried to avoid the serious conversation as I, myself didn't really knew how.
"They didn't call me a slut, for starters." I said with a little chuckle.
"You know that wasn't what I was asking." His serious expression didn't change.
"I don't know Jean, I just missed them."
He paused for a moment, the fact that we were talking about my friendship with the others besides him was creating an uncomfortable atmosphere.
"Them?" He asked, surprising me once again. I could almost feel the vulnerability in his voice.
"Well, you're not exactly the same person as I missed." I said, truthfully. It was obvious to anyone that he had changed very much.
He suddenly got up and started walking away. "Let's go back."
I realized I had said something that made him upset. I followed him, and I basically had to run to catch up to him.
"Wait Jean that's not what I meant. Obviously you had gone throu-"
He stopped suddenly. "I said let's go." He said that with his harsh, unfriendly tone again. He was looking directly at me with fierce eyes. All the sincerety was gone, I became nobody to him once more. After a small pause he kept walking away.
I followed him, disheartened.
The ride back home was silent, we weren't even listening to music. I felt like all the progress that we made was gone, because of my inconsiderate comment. But at that moment I felt like I could tell him anything, so I didn't hold back. But as it turns out, there was a reason why the dynamic of the friendgroup had changed, it was because of Jean's reactions to this particular topic.
He stopped once we arrived in front my apartment, saying nothing. I looked at him from the side shyly, trying not to make it obvious that I was looking at him.
"I'm sorry Jean." I said. I really was sorry about my remark and it's affect on him. I wasn't expecting him to say anything, so I reached for the door handle. He took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry too, y/n." He said, making me pause. I couldn't believe he was apologizing. "About all the stuff that I said to you."
I looked at him, his angry gaze from earlier was faded into a much more calm one.
"Thank you." I said as I left the car. I was glad we ended the day with apologies rather than a bad note.
I walked into the apartment, feeling that weird feeling again, only to find Hitch at the door.
"Bitch what's going on? What were you doing hanging out with just Jean?" Her remark surprised me.
"How do you-"
"Sasha posted a story and only you two were not in it." Great, I had to lie to my best friend once again.
"We did his Spanish homework." I said, earning an eyebrow lift from her. She looked at me as she was expecting more explanation. I sighed and continued.
"Nothing else happened. But he apologized to me. I don't know H, it felt weird."
"Why was it weird, do you not think it's genuine?"
"No, I think it is, but I made an unthoughtful comment on how he's changed and he got mad, and dropped me home. Then I said sorry, which he responded with another apology. There's always so much tension when we speak to one another, I don't know if this apology will change anything."
"Don't think about it too much, love. But, if you don't want to accept it, don't. You don't have to be friends with him just because he apologized. I don't know what did you say to him that would offend him but I'm pretty sure you didn't call him a slut."
She was right.
"Wouldn't it be weird to be around him since we have common friends now?"
"It's weird enough already, don't overthink this, it's okay to keep your distance with people who has hurt you."
I smiled at her. "I'm so lucky I have you."
"I'll always be there for you. Just make sure none of our friends die, in that case I might just abondon you." She said, giggling. I joined her.
"Shut up. We've been through enough."
"I know love, I'm just trying to soften the burden of it on you."
We hugged it out and I let her get some sleep.
I laid down on my matress, to relax and process the events of the day. I decided to check instagram, to see Sasha's story that Hitch was talking about. Her, Mikasa, Connie, Eren and Armin were doing night picnic on campus after the movies. It looked fun, I wished I was there with them, instead of being in my bed, alone. When I skipped that story, I saw that they went to Jean's place, busting in, only to find house empty. Connie was sulking in front of the empty living room.
Than my phone rang, it was Eren.
"Where are you? We thought you guys were at Jean's." He sounded worried.
"We were, but the homework finished and now I'm back home."
"Where is Jean?"
"I don't know." I replied calmly, but I was curious. Where was he?
"Nevermind, he is probably hanging out by himself again. Get ready, I'm coming to pick you up."
"What? Where?" I asked, but got excited anyway.
"It's Saturday night and the weather is amazing, we're going to do night picnic."
"Didn't you already?"
"That was pre-game, dummy. We were passing time to let you guys finish your thing." He said, making me chuckle.
"When will you be here?" I asked, but my question was left unanswered as I heard the doorbell ringing. I thought 'what the hell' to myself and went up to the front door, only to see Eren there, shaking his phone to my face.
"I'm two steps ahead of you."
I smiled and let him in, telling him I needed a few minutes to get ready.
"Are you done with putting clothes on? I'm bored" He called me from the living room.
"Yeah come in."
He came in and sat on my bed, inspecting my room. Nothing much had changed since the last time he saw it. My chair was replaced, my pictures with my father were gone, and my pictures with them were also gone. He sighed to himself and laid down on my bed, getting more comfortable as I was doing my base make-up to appear somewhat presentable.
"So, are you and Colt a thing now?" He asked, out of the blue.
"What? No. He's a classmate." I said, with a surprised tone. He shrugged.
"Then why did Hitch invite him to the game?"
"She invited all of you guys though." I said, rolling my eyes at him.
"Mmmhmm. If you say so. But you can tell me if he's a loverboy of yours." He made fun of me, earning a pillow thrown at his face. Then he got up, went up to the wall that I hung my pictures on, viewing each one of them.
"I liked this wall better before."
I chuckled sarcastically. "I bet you did."
"I can understand the ones that involved us, but can I ask what happened with your dad? You love him very much, and I don't see a picture of his anywhere."
"I loveD him Eren, things have changed in these past years." My voice became serious with that topic coming up.
"Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." He said, with sorry eyes. I loved speaking to him, he always made me comfortable and I could sense that he cared about me. I could sense a meaningful friendship in between his words.
"It's okay, Eren. Someday I will catch you up."
"Which day? You know you can talk to me."
"The day when you guys decide to tell me everything that's been going on." I said, smirking. I knew his curiousness was far too much to wait that long but he would also try to be patient with me and be miserable doing so.
"Hmph. I guess that's fair." He said, his lips facing downwards. His eyes had gotten lost in some thoughts, his hand in his hairs. He was so funny to watch.
"I would like to tell you all about it Eren, but I don't think I would be comfortable talking it with everyone." I said, with a more serious tone.
"If you want to get it off your chest we can simply not go. We'll talk and confide in each other. If that's what you'd like."
I thought to myself. I would like to talk to someone else about all this. I was feeling like I could trust Eren the most, and decided that I wanted to talk about it.
"But wouldn't they worry about us?" I said, it would be rude to seperate him from the others just for him to talk to me. He smiled and walked up to me.
"Don't worry, I'll handle it." I nodded as he reassured me that it would be fine.
"Do you want to take a walk? Hitch is sleeping, and I'd like some fresh air." I asked, walking towards the exit of my room. He followed me and said it would be nice, so we got our jackets on and went out. We started circling around the area. He was waiting for me to start the conversation, but couldn't help himself and posed a question.
"Are you okay, y/n?"
That question. I didn't know if I was okay, I was just getting through the days and call it a life. I changed so much during the time that we were apart, I had to grow up immediately, and deal with all the emotional damage that everyone had given me, also not making it a big deal to look strong to my mom and my sisters.
"I don't know honestly." I was having a hard time spilling out everything that I had been feeling for a long time.
"Is your father okay?" He asked, his curiousness got ahead of him.
"I don't know that either."
He looked confused.
"What do you mean?"
"He left us last year. No explanation, no financial security, nothing. We have no idea why. I stopped thinking about his reasoning a while ago but sometimes it still haunts me. You know my mother wasn't working, and hadn't worked for years to take care of us. He always said how much he appreciated her hard work on us, how good we all turned out. That he was proud of me, proud of us. He couldn't wait for the days that he would see me on stage. I don't know what changed. I don't know what is it about me that makes people want to leave. And to cherry top, as if these feelings aren't enough, my family really struggled with money after his sudden departure. It's just nowadays that my mother started working and started supporting us financially aswell. "
His expression changed from curious to heartbroken. He wasn't expecting all these news after hearing billion stories of my father before. He looked thoughtful, and then something clicked in his head.
"Is that why you don't have your motorcycle anymore?"
"Yes. I sold it and sent the money to my mother, for them to support themselves for a bit."
He hugged me immediately. I hugged him back, not expecting this sudden movement from him.
"I am so sorry y/n. I wasn't there for you for some stupid reason that I'm not even telling you. I am so so sorry that you had to go through that. Nothing about you is making people leave. It's not your fault. Please believe me when I say so."
Hearing his heartfelt words, I started sobbing uncontrollably. He hugged me tightly and stroke my hair, trying to console me and make up for all the lost time. Even though I was crying, I also was feeling relieved, having told this story to someone else other than Hitch. I was also glad that he was showing his regret, as well as admitting that it was stupid of them to abondon me like that.
We stayed like that for a minute, waiting for me to calm down.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked, worry in his voice was obvious to spot.
"Why aren't you guys telling me that 'stupid reason' Eren? How much longer do I have to wait? It's hard for me to ignore everything whilst being around you all the time, even though I'm enjoying being with you."
His eyes were indecisive. He was contemplating whether he should tell me the reason or not. I got excited, this could have been the moment that I could finally learn what went on and why the things happened the way they did.
"Eren..?" I asked with a soft voice, breaking the hug to make eye contact. I was hoping for him to spill everything out.
"I can't tell you, even though I want to tell you so bad. It should be Armin that will tell you all."
I was disappointed, as well as being puzzled.
"Armin? Why?"
"We are scared of what's going to happen when we tell you everything. Plus, Armin needs some more time to process it all, so that's why we are waiting. I'm sorry I couldn't answer your questions, can you wait a little bit longer?"
They were scared? Why? Because of my reaction to their mysterious story? This talk had given me more questions rather than answers. But Armin was a vulnarable softie, and he was the only person that I would wait for the sake of him.
"Just for Armin. But you got me more curious."
He gave me a smile, relieved.
"Thank you, and I'm so sorry again." He said, hugging me one more time. As I wrapped my arms around Eren, a wave of emotions flooded over me. It was a blend of relief, comfort, and a profound sense of connection. In that embrace, I felt more understood, supported, and deeply cared for. The world around me seemed to fade away, leaving only the warmth of the embrace and the reassurance that I wasn't alone anymore. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated joy, a reminder of the strength of my bond with Eren and the power of friendship.
"Do you need anything nowadays? You know we can always help-"
"No, Eren. Thank you for asking, I am doing better now. And please don't tell anyone else about this stuff. It wasn't easy for me to share it with you, and I'm definately not ready for them to find out."
"Sure. I can be your confidant, just like old times." He smiled, to which I returned.
We sat down on the sidewalk, I was feeling exhausted mentally, and all the crying that I did wasn't helping me feeling more energetic, on the contrary, it took all my energy away and left me sore.
It started to rain softly, the sound of raindrops dripping on the concrete got louder by seconds passing. The water on my skin was making me feel more alive but also more cold.
"The weather really is amazing." I said, mocking his previous remark.
"Do you want to go?" Eren asked, considering it was easy for us to get sick under this weather.
"I feel good under the rain, but if you want to go we can leave."
"We can stay." He said, covering our heads with his jacket. "But I have to do this as a condition for us to stay."
I chuckled. "It takes away the charm of it, but since it's a condition of yours..."
"It is, young lady." Eren said with a voice that he was trying to keep strict. I chuckled again.
We kept listening the sound of rain and watching it hit the floor. I put my head on Eren's shoulder, since I was comfortable with him.
I broke the silence.
"Well, since you can't answer my questions, is there anything that you can share with me?" I asked, hoping to get something out of him.
"Let's see, you must've heard Sasha's crush on this boy called Niccolo. You know Armin broke up with Annie -don't ask the reason of it- , Connie has nothing going on other than hitting on some fans that are on lower grades, Jean is still a horseface –now with an even more annoying personality-, Mikasa is stable as always, Ymir and Historia are happily together, I'm not seeing anyone, and I don't think either Reiner or Bertholt are seeing someone."
"You gave me literally nothing, Birdie." I said, laughingly, earning a small hit on my shoulder.
My eyes caught someone coming directly at us.
"Is that Jean?" Eren asked.
I squinted and tried to look more carefully to the manly silhouette that was coming on our way.
"That would be weird." I said, but just as I finished my sentence, the silhouette came closer and revealed himself. It was Jean.
"That was quite the scene you two pulled off."