"i should hate you, i feel stupid, like i almost crashed my car driving home to talk about you." i should hate you ; gracie abrams
I WAS ALWAYS aware that I had a type.
If you looked at my track record, it was a long list of curly haired blonde boys with blue eyes. I made a few exceptions for brunettes along the way.
Because of my unwavering ability to choose similar looking boys over and over again, sometimes, I couldn't help but see a little of them in each other.
When I was on set with Dylan, sometimes I could see a little bit of Walker. Every time he pulled a dumb joke or said something overly sarcastic, I almost announced, 'that's something Walker would say.' I would stop myself after I realised that that may have been strange.
Walking along the foreshore with Walker, leading up to a restaurant over looking the ocean was a similar experience. Was it deja vu? Maybe. But the way he held my hand, his blonde curls waving in the wind as he laughed at his own dirty jokes felt all too familiar.
And suddenly, I felt all too guilty.
Was I supposed to be having these thoughts? I had no idea. It felt wrong. I knew that I only wanted to be here with Walker - whether Dylan slipped through my mind on the occasion when I looked at him was irrelevant.
It was Walker. It would always be Walker.
That didn't mean that Dylan didn't have a spot in my heart, too.
I could never voice that out loud, of course. whether it was morally wrong or not had nothing to do with it, Walker would most likely tear the world apart out of pure jealously.
But the more I worked alongside Dylan, the more I realised how much I missed him. Not our relationship, but our friendship. Sunny would remind me over and over again that I should hate him, after what he did.
And I would remind her that it wasn't entirely his fault.
"What are you thinking about, pretty girl?" Walker smiled softly, looking down on me as our arms swung in between us. My chest burned, feeling the warmth of the golden locket that hung around my neck.
Was it wrong that a pendant of emerald and a chain of ruby hung there as well?
"Nothing." I exhaled, grinning away the indecision. I lifted my hand to the jewels discreetly, recollecting the memories they both held.
One had been given to me by Charlie. A sweet gift, no strange intentions. The other... well, Dylan had given me for my birthday.
It wasn't cheating. But keeping the memories sure fucking felt like it.
"Tell me what's going on in your mind." He urged, holding his jumper tight around me as we neared the restaurant.
I sighed, gaining the confidence to speak. I couldn't be honest with him. I wasn't looking for a fight; not right now. I wanted to enjoy our day, before we had to get down to the bad stuff.
Like why the fuck I was feeling so bad over things I'd never even done.
"I just... I love you." I beamed, kissing him on the cheek. Walker sceptically frowned at me before cracking a smirk.
"I love you too, Wise Girl." He whispered, squeezing my hand three times, simultaneously.
Trying the rid the awful thoughts from my head, I remained close to Walkers side as we approached the building.
We entered, sat at our reserved table, and talked.
We talked about everything. Stupid things, like the best ice-cream flavour and the olive theory (I hate them, he loves them). One thing I adored about the boy was the fact that I could discuss anything with him. He wasn't just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. There was no judgement or hesitation between us. He was my safe space, my home.
The night was perfect. Or it would have been, anyway. Until we were interrupted.
"Oh my god, Maya. Is that you?"
It seemed like an odd question to ask. I turned, looking to where the direction of the voice came from. Immediately my heart stopped.
Annie Fitz.
"Hi, Annie." I plastered on a smile, cocking my head as if I was excited to see her.
"It's been so long." She said, her dark eyes crinkling in the same adorable way they had since I'd known her.
"Uhm, this is Walker. Walk, this is Annie. We went to school together." I introduced them, awkwardly. Honestly, I was completely uncomfortable mixing the two aspects of my life.
"Yeah, back when she was just our little Yaya. It's crazy how famous you've become. Sometimes I can't believe I know you." She giggled. Annie and I were always good friends. She was a sweet girl, it was her companion I was worried about.
"I know. It's crazy for me too." I admit, nodding my head slowly. I glanced over her shoulder fleetingly, looking for any sign of the last person I wanted to see. They went everywhere together - she had to have been here.
"Do you guys still talk much?" Walker asked, although I knew he didn't care. He was making conversation; he knew a very limited amount about why I dropped out of public school, and went straight for the home schooling route. But he did know that there were only bad reasons.
"Oh, not as much as we used to." Annie grimaced, giving me a knowing look. Unfortunately, our relationship was collateral damage after mine and Sunny's fall out with our mutual friend.
Walker merely nodded, eying me off in confusion. He obviously picked up on the uneasy vibe between us.
"So, I hear you guys are dating." Annie beamed, squealing in a way that reminded me of someone. I winced, shifting slightly.
"Yeah." Walker answered for me, leaning back in his seat. His hand was gripping my thigh under the table, stroking my delicate skin back and forth.
"I have to say, I was kinda shocked. It all happened so fast." She laughed uncomfortably. The whole interaction was starting to feel a little weird, and really forced.
Walker and I exchanged a look. We both knew that our relationship had not happened fast at all. We both had to work for it, making quick moves and confessions that we both didn't want.
"You could say that." I gave her a tight lipped smile, remaining polite. Annie was doing nothing wrong, so why did I have this sickly feeling rising in my stomach?
"I thought you would hold out longer to get back in a relationship. You know, considering how you and Dylan ended." The girl hissed through her teeth.
I felt my face heat at the mention of the boy. I turned away from her, looking down at my hands resting on the surface of the table. Walker and I had never spoken about how Dylan and I broke up. Hell, we never spoke about Dylan period.
"Yeah, um, I guess I moved past it?" I awkwardly said, as if I was suggesting the idea. I accidentally looked up at Walker, seeing his frowning face. I couldn't depict what that expression meant, but I assumed that it wasn't good.
"Well, I'm glad. You guys are so cute together. Anyways, I have to go. Jamie's waiting for me. Bye Maya!"
I glared at the back of the girls head until she was out of my eye sight. When she was finally gone, I turned back to face Walker.
He sat before me with a delirious expression and no comprehension of what had just happened.
"What the fuck?" He laughed slightly, brushing his hair away from his face.
"Well, that was an experience."
"Considering how you and Dylan ended?"
I froze at his words, having wished that that comment had slipped past him.
"Look, I say that Dylan and I ended on good terms, and that's not entirely a lie." I sighed, pulling my hair to rest over one shoulder. "It's just what happened after the relationship that was bad."
"What happened after, Maya?"
I wasn't sure I wanted to reopen this wound. It had been a good while since I'd spoken about what had went down, and honestly, I preferred not talking about it. Talking about it made it feel all too real, and I hated that. If I had my way, I would forget about the entire situation altogether.
"I was friends with this girl. Jamie. Well, I say friends, but we were more than that. Sunny, Jamie, Annie and I had been best friends since elementary school; Sunny and I had always been closer but that's irrelevant. She kinda fucked things up for me. Big time." I fidgeted with my hands as I spoke, feeling anxious just talking about what had happened.
"What does she have to do with anything?" Walker urged me to continue.
"She... ruined my life. She would tell everyone that I was fucking crazy, but say it in a way that made her seem like a concerned friend. Like 'Maya was diagnosed as a sociopath, narcissist, pathological liar, bipolar, psychopath. I really hope she's going to be okay,' or 'I'm so scared to talk to Maya about being friends with Dylan. She controls everything I do.' That's not even the worst half of it."
"What the fuck?"
"Yeah. But I never found out about it, because she was so good at portraying the image that I was insane. After Dylan and I broke up, they became... really close friends. Like, weirdly close. We all thought something was up between them, but she constantly denied it. She also always said that she hated him and would never speak to him again, but that never happened."
"Dylan and I tried to be friends after the breakup. For a while there, we were. But then he got really distant, and then he couldn't even look me in the eyes. I never asked about it, because I assumed that I did something wrong. But then, Jamie and I had a massive falling out, and we found out the truth. That she'd been spreading all these lies about me."
Walker, being the ADHD teenage boy he was, was beginning to get lost amongst the story. I sadly smiled at his bewildered face.
He was the one constant I had in my life.
"As soon as Jamie and I stopped being friends, Dylan and her started dating. She'd told him some awful stuff about me, and none of it was true. He began to hate me as well, and they turned a lot of people against me."
Walker nodded, barely grasping what was going on. "But you and Dylan are good now?"
I exhaled nervously. "Yeah. I guess him and Jamie must have broken up. He probably found out the truth about her; the truth about me."
"That is the weirdest story I've ever heard. Has that girl got something wrong with her? Like, mentally?" Walker seriously questioned, knocking on his skull. I laughed, appreciating how humorous he was about the situation.
At my laugh, he grinned. I'd pretty much dumped every being of teenage trauma on this boy, and all he seemed to care about was making me laugh. I was ready to forget whatever tunnel had been dug up tonight, and face it another time. For now, I wanted to live in the moment with my gorgeous boyfriend and the love that was coursing through my veins.
I can't help but think that if I had done things differently that night, it would have changed everything.
authors note
too lazy to do the instagram bit today so SORRY
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