Loanne
The sound and smell of the hospital has become my security blanket these past few weeks. But mostly the sound of her heart still beating that resonated from the machine that was hooked onto her.
I lifted my head and stared at Promise. My little sister sleeping peacefully. She still looked beautiful even with tubes and wires surrounding her. I felt my eyes water as I watched her. Closing my eyes I let out a breathy sob.
We were lucky that we revived her, but because she was dead for 20 minutes. The doctors said she was brain dead. I knew that they know she won't wake up ever, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. Promise... she was a fighter so I knew she would wake up.
But there was just this litter insecurity that told me, why should she when she has been fighting for a very long time. She deserves to relax and be free. Be free from the chains that hold her down.
I rested my head down beside her arm and stayed like that until I passed out.
~
Another day has passed, and still no change. I can already tell that the doctor is waiting for me to make the decision. But once again my heart stops me from agreeing to take her off of the machine.
I moved my hand to grab hers. My thumb slightly moving on top. I looked at her and then at the machine that showed her heartbeat.
"Are you in pain?" I whispered to her before moving my eyes down to my hand.
"Am I making the right choice? Keeping you here? Stuck to a machine?" More tears fell until sobs racketed throughout my body.
"Am I selfish?"
~
Outside was raining heavily. I could hear the rumbling of the thunder. See the flashes of the lightening on the ground and walls that surround Promise and I.
Today marks three weeks. Three weeks of her in a coma. Three weeks of me being selfish to keep her here. Three weeks since the doctors pestering.
I stared at Promise before I left her room to go hunt down her doctor. I needed answers from him, though I knew he could not answer half of them.
I had no chance of finding him until i ran and asked a nurse named Tina. "Excuse me?" I asked.
She looked up and she smiled at me. "Yes?"
I couldn't find myself to smile at her, my energy was drained. I continued on and asked her of the doctor that I was looking for and gladly she showed me where he was located at. Thanking her I quietly knocked on the door before I heard his voice.
Slowly opening the door, his eyes widened as he looked at me. I knew why he looked so surprised. It was because I never left Promise's room. I stayed by her side 24/7.
"Miss. Loanne how can I help you?" He asked me as he pointed towards the chair in front of his desk.
I moved in slowly before sitting down in front of him. I must look like a mess but right now I didn't care. "I had some answers." I said after clearing my throat.
"What questions do you have?"
"It is regarding Promise." I said.
"Ahh okay." He said as he slowly moved back into his chair. I can see the sadness in his eyes, of course he would feel this way since he was Issac's doctor before becoming hers. They formed a special bond with each other.
"You and your fellow doctors said that she was... brain dead..." I wandered off.
He nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, she is brain dead."
"Was there any patients that came out of... that?"
He stared at me before sighing. " Loanne there has been no patients that have recovered from that. Promise she is on a different level."
"Di-different level what do you mean?"
"What I mean is that her entire brain is dead. The only thing that is keeping her alive beating is the life support."
"I thought any patient that is brain dead goes through that..."
He shook his head. "No you see for brain dead patients, there is many jurisdiction. Some parts of the brain is alive while other parts are dead, where they don't really need life support because their brain is somewhat alive."
"So Promise..."
"Promise can only relay on the life support, we can't revive her brain there is no method on doing that." He said as he looked at me with pity.
I can feel the tears form in my eyes as I stared at him with wide eyes. "And what do you suggest we do?" I whispered.
"You know what we suggested." he said softly as he moved to sit beside me.
"Take her off the life support is what you suggested me."
He nodded his head. "Yes... that is the only way. Promise she has no high rate of waking up, she's dead and the only thing that is helping her breath is the machine. Loanne do you think she wants to depend on the machine?"
"Am I selfish for thinking that she should stay here?" I whispered as I looked at him. Wanting to see if he was going to lie for my sake.
"Selfish is a term a lot of people use when they feel like they care about themselves mostly. The way I see it, yes it is selfish to keep someone on life support so they won't lose that contact with that individual. But on the other hand, no it is not selfish when that person truly believes that individual should have another shot at life. So what my answer is Loanne. You are not selfish.. you care about Promise so much that you are willing to keep her alive to be with you. You hold onto hope that one day she will open her eyes and smile at you. " He said softly to me as he held onto my hand.
A sob escaped my mouth as I stared at him. "But you must think is she suffering from having a machine stuck to her. If your answer is yes she is suffering then you know what you should do. For her sake as well as yours."
He finished saying.
I shut my eyes tightly as the tears ran freely down my face. I mustered up the strength that I had in me, and did what was right for me and her Promise.
"Let's take her off support."
~
I watched as the doctor and the nurses were taking off the tube and wires. Leaving only the heartbeat wire linked to her chest.
"How long do I have until she..." I wandered off as I kept my eyes on her peaceful face.
"Quite sometime." He said as he stood in the corner.
I nodded my eyes and walked over to her side and sat down. Grabbing her hand I patted it.
"I was selfish Promise... I didn't want to let you go because... I am afraid. Afraid of being alone. I couldn't accept the fact that you are truly gone. I needed some more time with you and the only way I could was to not let you go off of the life support.
"I wouldn't blame you if you hated me for keeping you here. I was the one who is making you suffer. You wanted to be free. To be with Issac and here I am stopping you from going because of my selfish needs." I said as the tears fell down my face.
"I won't blame you if you hated me for doing this. I recognized that what I was doing was wrong. I shouldn't hold someone down just because I am afraid." I wiped my tears as I moved closer to her.
"You said you missed me singing, so I'll sing for you one last time." I whispered before I started to sing Flashlight.
(A/N~ If you want to listen to the music, I posted it!)
"When tomorrow comes
I'll be on my own
Feeling frightened of
The things that I don't know
When tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes"
My mind went back to the time when Promise and I were fooling around at the mall that we ended up getting banned.
"And though the road is long
I look up to the sky
And in the dark I found lost hope that I won't fly
And I sing along, I sing along, and I sing along"
When we had our very first camping trip that Issac decided to crash by scaring the shit out of us. She was crying her eyes out because she hated being scared.
"I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see a sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes"
When I had my very first heartbreak and there was Promise, wiping my tears for me and helping me cheer up.
"Can't lie, it's a sweet life
Stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
'Cause you're my flashlight (flashlight)
You're my flashlight (flashlight), you're my flashlight"
My voice started to waver as the tears started falling again. The memories of the three of us, the more it became unbearable for me to handle.
"Ooh
I see the shadows long beneath the mountain top
I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop
'Cause you light the way
You light the way,
You light the way"
Then the memory came when it was her wedding day. She looked so beautiful in her white mermaid wedding dress. Issac who had tears in his eyes the moment she came into view. That day, was the best because we all were happy. It was the best of both worlds.
"I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see a sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes
Can't lie, it's a sweet life"
The memory soon shifted to when Issac and Promise was throwing a tantrum at each other that I had to ground them and force them to stay away from each other until they cool down. To say the least, it worked out perfectly though at the end of the night I did receive a pie to the face. Thanks to Issac of course.
"Stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
(Light light light you're my flashlight)
Light light you're my flashlight
Light light light light light, oh
(Light light light you're my flashlight)
You're my flash, oh"
My hand trembled as I did not let go of her hands when I was singing softly to her. I didn't want to lose that contact, I couldn't lose it. Couple of droplets fell onto her hand was I lowered my head and sang.
"I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see a sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night
Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes
Can't lie, it's a sweet life"
The more that I sang the more that I couldn't sing some words. Everything was just to hard for me and I knew that my time with Promise was coming to an end soon.
"Stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
(You're my flashlight)
You're getting me, getting me through the night
'Cause you're my flashlight
'Cause you're my flashlight
You're my flashlight"
And as if the machine was listening to me, the sound of her heart flat lining rang throughout the room as I sobbed. I rested my head on her chest and cried.
"Promise..." I repeatedly sobbed as I held onto her cold body as if my life depended on it. I lost a friend, a sister.
I'm alone now.
.
.
.
.
.
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