Sincere
I cried for half an hour. Nasa sahig na lamang din ako, nakasandal sa sofa at nakatingala sa kisame habang pinapakalma ang sarili. Ang rami kong iniisip.
I haven't thought of this deeply. I haven't experienced reflecting, tracing the root of my emotion, and crying about it. Kaya ngayong binibigay ko sa sarili ko, hinahayaan kong umiyak, at ipakita kung gaano ako dinurog ng nangyari, nakakapanghina.
Ngunit walang mali rito tulad na rin ng sabi ni Doc Jane. Sobrang sakit na gusto ko munang umiyak, na karapatan ko ito, emosyon ko ito, at walang magsasabi sa akin na hindi dapat ako ganito ka hina tingnan.
"May nasusuntok akong mga bakla sa galit ko pag hinahawakan ako, doc," I confessed guiltily when my gaze slowly drifted on her.
"Trauma response," she pointed out.
"May isa akong circle noon. 'Yung circle na 'yon, sila ang mas nakakakilala sa akin. Sa kanila ko rin unang sinabi. Pero noong nag-open up ako, pinagtawanan nila iyon. Sana daw, tinira ko rin sa pwet bilang ganti. Nakakadiri. Hayop." Ramdam ko ang paggalaw ng panga ko sa galit.
"Have you tried opening up to your other friends?"
Tumango ako. "Oo doc...Una ko iyong in-open up kay Roger. 'Yung kaibigan ko kung saan ako mas close. Pero tinukso lang ako na sana ginantihan ko raw at tinira sa pwet pabalik kaya galit na galit ako. Nakakainis pa dahil kinukumpara nila sa karanasan nila at sinasabing huwag ko nalang pansinin."
Noon, pakiramdam ko, ang babaw noon. Ni hindi ko maamin kung biktima ba talaga ako, dahil parang pinaramdam sa akin, na kasalanan ko rin dahil naglasing ako, at naroon sa party na 'yon.
Tang ina. Laging nasesentro sa biktima at hinahanapan ng mali para masisi ito. Tatanungin ka pa kung ano bang suot mo. Kung lasing ka ba. Kung bakit ka sumama eh pwede ka naman sanang umiwas at sasabihing ginusto mo rin. O di kaya, bakit hindi sumigaw, o humingi man lang ng tulong. Fucking enablers. Akala nila ganoon ka dali iyon.
It just showed how people are closed-minded when it comes to victims, unless it happens to them. Unless they experienced it. Saka lang nila maiintindihan kung gaano ka bigat kung sila mismo ang nakaranas.
"No one must compare how they cope with things because we all have different stress levels, depending on their genetics and the environment they live in. That friend of yours, his stress level was probably low. Kaya kahit gawin iyon sa kanya, he could still hold back on overreacting because he got more spaces to fill, unlike you," paliwanag ni Doc Jane.
"May mga taong madaling panghinaan ng loob, hindi dahil nag-iinarte lang, o nag overreact, kundi dahil iyon sa maraming bagay. We have what we call nature and nurture. In terms of nature, ito iyong innate, or genetically speaking, namamana. Nasa dugo na. When you grew up in a family prone to depression, you might also have it, kasi nasa dugo niyo na. May iba naman, nakalakihan dahil sa environment na nila. Let's say, nahihirapan kang mag open-up dahil ang mga nakapaligid sa'yo, puro mga closed-minded, which you adapt and make it hard to share things," she elaborated.
"Some uneducated people about this would always claim, "O ako nga...ganito ang pinagdadaanan ko, mas mabigat pa sa'yo. Pero kinakaya ko naman. Kaya kaya mo rin 'yan." No. That's not how it really works since, as I said, we are all different, even genetically speaking. Our stress levels aren't the same. Sila, kinakaya nila, dahil kaonti lang ang stress level nila. Pero iyong iba na talagang umiiyak sa mga tingin nilang maliliit lang naman na bagay, they have already reached that high level of stress to react that way."
I gently looked at her. Ang nakakuyom kong kamay dahil sa galit na naiisip ko, lumambot. It was a different realization when you think of it on a deeper level: that all of us are equal as humans but unique. Iba iba man ang paraan ng pagtanggap, ngunit parehas na may emosyon.
"Do you have other friends?" tanong niya.
Tumango ako. "Meron, doc. 'Yung kinwento ko kanina. Varsities sila. Ka grupo ko. Hindi ako close sa kanila noon pero dahil hindi nila ginagawang biro 'yung karanasan ko, o hindi nila pinag-uusapan sa nakakagalit na paraan, sa kanila na ako madalas sumama."
She smiled. "You found the right people..."
Inabot ko ang tissue. Nasa labi niya ang ngiti habang kusa kong pinupunasan ang mukha ko. Kanina ko pa 'to gustong gawin pero mas gusto kong bumuhos lahat ng emosyon ko na ayoko iyong punasan muna.
I sat on the sofa again comfortably. Hinila ko ang hoodie sa likod at iniwan ang itim na t-shirt para mas maging presko ang nararamdaman ko at isinabit iyon sa balikat ng sofa.
"Gustong gusto ko silang maunawan pero...paano ko iyon gagawin kung kahit ako, hirap akong unawain ang sarili ko? Minsan, ayokong naiisip na ganoon ang mga bakla, pero hindi ko makontrol ang tingin ko sa kanila. Oo nga, nasa isip ko lang. O dapat huwag ko nalang isipin. Pero iyon nga ang problema kasi kahit ayaw kong isipin, naiisip ko, doc..."
May kung ano siyang isinulat na hindi ko na inusisa pa lalo na't tiningnan niya rin ako pagkatapos noon at ipinagsalikop ang mga kamay.
"I understand your frustration about this, Reagan. You are not just having anxiety but also hyperarousal... Let's talk about fight and flight. Do you know that term?"
I nodded. "Yes, doc. Fight or flight helps us manage certain situations when we sense something isn't right... o 'yung ikakapahamak natin."
"Yes, that's right. But during hyperarousal episodes, our fight or flight response is very much intensified to the point that, although you're normally in a safe environment, you feel the need to alert yourself to your surroundings that exaggerates your thinking, making it impossible for you to handle your emotions very well or normally act the way you normally do..."
Tahimik akong nakinig.
"Let's say, mag-isa ka. Ngunit ayaw mo nang magpatay ng ilaw dahil takot ka sa dilim na baka...may baklang magpakita at ulitin niya ang ginawang kinakatakutan mo. That moment, your fight-or-flight is super aroused that you can't even sleep in the darkness because of your fear that someone might suddenly pop out—which was impossible from the first place since you are alone—but because you are having an episode of hyperarousal, you can't barely think straight and rational..."
She's...right. Hindi ako makatulog pag patay ang ilaw. It was just a simple worry, or something that I was already used to, but I never recognized it as...more than anxiety.
"I would employ dialectical behavior therapy, a method that is used in my field, as your psychotherapy to help you regulate your emotions. In this therapy, you will go through several phases of acceptance during this process in order to comprehend why, in the wake of a traumatic occurrence, you act in that manner. It will teach you how to manage your episodes in a way that is more suitable and comfortable than it was before."
I listened carefully as I tried to pay attention to each word. Tumayo si Doc Jane at binuksan ang balkonahe niya. Lumingon siya sa akin at sumenyas na pumunta roon kaya tumayo ako para makalapit sa kanya.
"What do you see, Reagan?" she asked.
Iginala ko ang tingin. Bukod sa buildings, ang kapansin pansin ay ang matingkad na asul na langit.
"Buildings at asul na langit," sagot ko.
"The blue sky," she echoed my answer. "You didn't bring an umbrella because you thought it wouldn't rain, right?"
Tumango ako.
"Now, what if it gets rain? What would happen?" she asked critically.
Tiningala ko ang asul na langit. Masyadong matingkad iyon para isiping...uulan.
"Mababasa ako," I answered literally.
She smiled. "Exactly. And what would you feel?"
"Magagalit." Malamang. Mababasa eh. Sino bang hindi?
"Magagalit ka saan? Sa langit ba...o sa'yo?"
I was taken back by her question. Hindi ko man lang naisip...kung saan nagmula ang galit ko. When she noticed my sudden pause, her lips stretched for a warm smile.
"It is important to know what's the root of our emotion, Reagan. That's the main purpose of dialectical behavior therapy. You are reflecting on your emotion, not just dealing with it, but you are slowly accepting things that you have no control of."
I never imagined this to be this deep. Medyo gulat ako na ipinagkasalubong ko lang ang kilay ko, tinitingala ang asul na langit, at...walang naiisip kung bakit...asul iyon. Well, scientifically speaking, it's blue because of the earth's atmosphere.
But...if it suddenly rains and I am outside with no umbrella because I was expecting sunlight, who's...fault it was? Nagkasalubong ang kilay ko kung kaninong katangahan 'yon.
"It's no one's fault," she answered, which made me a bit intrigued. "You are mad, which is valid. But not all emotions should respond to an immediate action, Reagan. Your emotion is just temporary. Always remember that."
I calmed down.
"Para hindi ka mabasa sa ulan, what would you do next time?" she asked persistently, which pushes me to reflect more.
"Bring umbrella," agap ko.
"Exactly." She smiled proudly. "You would learn from it that there are things we can't control. All you have to do is accept changes, deal with them, and change your perspective."
Tumingin ako sa psychologist ko. I realized what she wanted to tell me. Metaphorically...
"Now...imagine if all of the people are like the skies; imagine the storms we were hiding; imagine the pain; imagine the traumas we couldn't talk about. If you found out those emotions would pour out expectedly and tell you they're also suffering, will you still...judge them? Or will you immediately widen your mind because you know it is something we have no control of?"
It felt heavy. The moment I tried to delve into those things, the first thing I'd seen was...his eyes on that night. Doon ko iyon unang nakita. Sa mga mata niya. Na wala sa madilim na langit ang lungkot ng gabing iyon kundi...nasa kanya.
Kung...una ko ba siyang nakilala sa paraang mapapanatag ako na parehas lang kaming dalawa na may pinagdadaanan din...makakaya ko pa ba siyang insultuhin? O pandirihan?
"We all have storms in us, Reagan. You are not alone," she said quietly. "And there are some men, women, and even gays right now who are silently battling to conquer their fear and their traumas just to achieve peace, like you..."
Nanlabo ang mga mata ko. I was beyond guilty when I realized how much pain I inflicted on someone else because of my own trauma. Tiningnan ko silang lahat bilang kauri noong bumastos sa akin, at hindi kailanman nakita na baka...katulad ko lang din sila.
The urge to improve myself was too strong. Ayokong ganito ako habangbuhay. My mom's words echoed in my mind while she was pleading to understand her new lover. Tyler's worried expression flashed. Brent's concerned look as if he wanted to tell me something, but he's not ready for my reaction. And...Denver's...sad twinkling eyes on that night.
Nauna kong nakilala si Shiloh kung sino siya. We bonded deeply because we are both scarred, and he understood where my anger was coming from. Kaya siguro...kahit malaman ko ang sekswalidad niya ngayon, hindi na iyon matimbang sa akin. Because if he revealed first that he is gay, I don't think I would have any empathy for him. Baka lumayo agad ako. Baka...nauna na ang pandidiri kaya sarado na ang isip ko.
Katulad ng...reaksyon ko kay Denver. I was disgusted when I saw him kissing a boy. It was a sudden flashback on that dirty night I don't want to remember, but he triggered it.
Pero kung...kinilala ko sila...katulad ng sinabi ni Doc Jane, kung nakita ko na...katulad ko lang din sila, baka sakaling unti-unti kong matanggap at maunawaan.
I have never been guilty of mocking them. Kahit ngayong humihingi ako kay Denver ng tawad, para sa akin, ginagawa ko lang dahil kailangan, dahil may kasalanan. I am taking accountability for my mistake. But guilty? I don't think I was guilty enough to admit to him that I was at fault. Siguro nga dahil rin hindi deserve ng mga bakla ang ganoong respeto mula sa akin.
Iginiya ako ni Doc Jane papasok at muli kaming umupo. Bumabagabag sa isip ko ang lahat lahat. Ngayon ko lang mas nakita ang mali ko. Ngayon ko lang mas natanggap na...mali nga ako.
"It won't be easy, Reagan. Healing a trauma has never been easy. But slowly making a step and acknowledging it is already progress that you should be proud of. You've made it here..." She smiled at me encouragingly.
Nawala ang pag-aalangan sa akin. I am more willing now to...change and to heal. If...some of my friends are gay or bisexual, then I needed...a strong power to protect them. Because I know there are also people like me who are violent and would not hesitate to hurt them. Kung...may kagaya kong biktima...alam ko, may mga tao ring kagaya noong Dennis. Hindi lamang siya.
"Ano pa, doc?" I asked eagerly.
"We'll also focus on three things here: your mental, physical, and social."
Tumango akong muli.
"I like your haircut, by the way... it suits you..." she complimented.
Ngumuso ako at hinaplos iyon. Nakakadagdag confidence na...naaappreciate 'yung ganitong look ko. Hindi nakakapressure.
"Gusto ko ngang pahabain, doc. Kaso nahihirapan din...Gusto ko sana ng new look pero..."
"Don't ignore what you want for yourself, Reagan. It actually helps to slowly heal when you also focus on taking care of yourself. If you want to go to the gym, go. If you want a new hairstyle, go. Enjoy it. It helps a lot to lower your cortisol hormone, which would lessen your stress. That would also subconsciously make you feel confident about yourself."
Ngumuso ako. Talaga? I smiled and nodded. I'll try. Guwapo pa naman ako pag pinahaba ang buhok ko. Kaso—
My smile vanished when I started thinking ugly things again. But...I tried to calm myself for a while because I knew where it was coming from. I'm traumatized. It's not easy.
"The last thing is your social being. Always find those who give you peace and who influence you to feel great, Reagan. And according to your story, which is your new friends, they actually help a lot to lower your cortisol level, which is the reason why you wanted to be with them, because they make you happy and at ease. Focus on what triggers your endorphins. If they make you happy and you find peace in them, then keep them in your life."
The urge to talk to Brent was strong. Anong cut off? Siya ic-cut off ko? Gago. Kahit sa panaginip niya sasamahan ko siya ngayong si Shiloh ang nagugustuhan niya.
But at the same time, it was an acceptance that...I want to understand him. Kung...ganoon siya...alam ko...hindi siya kagaya noong baklang iyon. Kilala ko siya.
The session was heavy, but fulfilling. I cried. I opened-up. And I am willing to change. Ang sabi ni Doc Jane, kung handa na ako, o kung gusto kong mas maintindihan na...may mga baklang kagaya ko, na biktima rin, may isang session na pwede akong makinig sa mga pinagdadaanan nila. It's part of my DBT therapy to regulate my emotions for acceptance.
Alam ko naman na may mga baklang may pinagdadaanan din. Pero sa isip ko, karma nila 'yon dahil sa mga maruming gawain nila. Na nandoon sila sa ganoong posisyon na 'yon dahil pinaparusahan sila. Hindi ako kailanman naawa sa kagaya nila. Kahit pa siguro may makita akong...baklang binubugbog...maiintindihan ko kung bakit lalo na't gustong gusto kong gawin sa kanila.
But...when I heard things...that Denver was only punished for his preferred sexuality, was infuriating. Doon ko iyon unang naramdaman, na...naawa. That maybe, I still have empathy for them as a human.
Namumungay ang mga mata ko nang magpaalam sa psychologist ko, na gusto ko munang magpahinga. The session was too emotional that I wanted to isolate myself for awhile and reflect more. I wanted space. I wanted silence.
Tahimik na lamang ako sa taxi. I took my phone out and opened my messenger. May bagong message request kaya binuksan ko rin iyon para tingnan.
Daniel Rio Ferrin. Umangat ang kilay ko at mabilis iyong tiningnan.
Hello tropapips!
Wala sa sarili akong natawa. Tang inang batang 'to. Hindi ba uso ang kuya sa kanya? Dapat Kuya ah? Kuya Reagan.
I ignored it, but then, when I couldn't erase the smile on my lips, I decided to type a reply.
O?
I sent it.
Two seconds later, he immediately seen my message. Online pa yata lalo na't nagt-type na siya.
Daniel Rio Ferrin:
Si kuya pinapatanong kung nandiyan ka daw sa unit mo.
Bakit pinapautos pa sa kapatid? Instead of replying to Rio, I decided to call his brother's number instead. After two rings, he answered it.
Maingay ang kabilang background. I silently listen to him, waiting for his voice.
"Uh...Reagan?" he called.
Wala sa sarili akong napabaling sa phone kahit hindi ko naman siya makikita. I'm just shocked he called me on my name...
"Hmm?" mahina kong bulong, medyo pagod din ang boses kaya ayokong magsalita.
Hindi siya agad nakapagsalita kaya tiningnan ko pa ang screen ng aking phone. Noong tumatakbo pa naman ang call, muli kong ibinalik sa tainga at narinig ang pagtikhim niya.
"Ah...Nasa District One pa ako. May gig ako. Pero gusto ko lang sanang ibalik 'yung nilibre mo noong nakaraan. Wala ka kasi kanina sa unit mo."
Gusto kong makipagtalo na libre ko naman iyon, at hindi niya na kailangang bayaran. Pero masyado akong pagod para doon.
"Okay. Dederitso nalang ako diyan," I replied hoarsely.
"Ah...oo sige. Kasama mo si Shiloh? Gagala kayo?" kuryoso niyang tanong.
"Mag-isa lang," sabi ko.
"Ah...Oh sige. Hintayin nalang kita dito."
I turned off the call and slipped my phone back into my own pocket. Gusto ko ring pumunta doon para uminom at...siguro makahingi ng tawad. This time, I know it's sincere.