Elianna
The Sunday in Monza was filled with anticipations for the Formula 1 Grand Prix. Many fans have been crowding up the grandstands since early in the morning and eager energy roamed around the whole place right as we arrived.
And even I have to say that compared to yesterday I felt better, rather focusing my attention to what was going on around me. But right as me and Lando stepped into the McLaren hospitality, my smile washed away from my face.
"Oh, hi Lando!" the squeaky voice definitely wasn't something I'd hoped to hear ever again since that weekend in Hungary. "And Elianna.."
"Nina, nice seeing you again," Lando let go of my hand as the girl with dirty blond hair approached us and attempted to pull him in a hug, which he turned only into a side hug. "Greetings, Osc and Lily," he fist bumped Oscar and side hugged Lily.
"Hi," I only nodded at Nina, who's been staring at me with her big eyes full of envy to a point where I'd made me almost laugh in cringe. Lily pulled me into a hug and I fist bumped Oscar as well, who also looked not so fond of his girlfriend's cousin attending the race day.
"How did you enjoy your summer break? I saw you were in Italy, it looked lovely," Lily started a conversation with me as we moved to sit on one of the sofas, whilst the McLaren drivers went to their team.
"It was magical, definitely one of my most favourite vacations ever. I'd love to go back," I caught myself smiling widely at the thought. "How about you?"
"We went to Australia to see Oz's family of course and spent a few days there. I loved it," she replied with a smile similar to mine.
Nina, who was sitting a little further from us for whatever reason, cleared her throat, "I actually went to Italy as well, then I mainly spent a few days in Monaco last week."
"Really?" Lily sounded confused, " "How come I didn't know up until now?"
"I was just hanging out with a friend that moved there, nothing that special," Nina shrugged unbothered but the sly look in my way wasn't left unnoticed by me. I really couldn't care less what this girl had to do with her life, but the way some things she said made me start connecting things that I shouldn't nonetheless.
To escape the reality at least a little bit, I took my phone and scrolled on my socials. Which also turned out to not be such a smart idea.
Trouble in paradise?
Lando Norris, the current leading Formula 1 Champion, was seen with a mysterious lady on Sunday morning. The Brit has been dating with a British social media influencer, Elianna Davidson, in the last three months, and have been last seen together two weeks ago.
Although the couple hasn't stated anything along the lines of splitting ways, some of the fans grew unsure about their relationship when the Formula 1 driver was in a car with a female that wasn't his girlfriend.
[twitter comments]
Are Lando and Elianna ok?
Chat I'm scared
Wtf are you people on about, Lando belongs to Elianna !!!
Guess he got bored again
Is he cheating on Eli?
Do you think Elianna knows about this?
Screw this, Landianna for life.
Elianna isn't that active anymore, could it be because of it???
He seems to be dangerously close with that girl in the car...I sense something ://
My heartbeat went fast as I fell into the ravine of scrolling and looking for more. Turns out, there were multiple photos of Lando and the girl taken, but since I - as previously mentioned by one of the comments - wasn't that active on any social media, I haven't been aware of anything up until now.
Many questions brewed in my head, mostly asking why would he do such a thing? It could be his friend, but why would he be so close to her then? And why did my chest felt like a burning flame whenever I saw the photos of him laughing with her and looking at her in a way he looked at me?
When Lando and Oscar came back, they had already changed to their racing attire. I couldn't shake off the smiles of his in those photos whenever I looked in his way. And to add the flame to the fire, Nina was here and she was trying her best to get his attention...and it didn't seem like he minded it.
It's the way he is, I kept telling myself. But I just hate that I'm not the only one for him.
As we were on our way to the garages, this time me and Lando not holding hands, my blood was about to be turned into a raging inferno every time he and Nina exchanged some glances or smiles or touches.
I hated the way it made me feel. Because I knew that he couldn't be up to anything because we were supposedly dating. Then again, what was up with those photos? But I couldn't exactly blame him because we aren't in a real relationship.
Standing at my favourite place in the garage - which was the corner of Lando's side - I crossed my arms at my chest and stared into the ground, whilst Lando went to his mechanics, that were making the last changes on the car.
"What's up with you?"
My eyes met the ones that I realised I loved to get lost in, the uneasiness inside fading away. But then I remembered what I saw and the flame with a mix of disappointment washed over me. Shaking my head, I replied, "Nothing, I'm fine."
He gave me an uninterested look, clearly seeing through my lie, "You sure are."
Guess he got bored again, what if that was the case?
"I am, you don't need to worry."
Lando scoffed and trapped me in the corner by resting his arms on either side of me, making me push my back into the counter to make at least some space between us for it to not look inappropriate. "Are you jealous?"
"No," my expression remained stone cold, not wanting him to win the unsaid battle of me actually admitting that I was, indeed, jealous. But there were so many more things and questions I had to say.
His face was dangerously close to mine and I knew he was enjoying it, judging by the daring smile that played on his lips, "I call bullshit."
"And I call that your engineer is calling you," I smiled sarcastically but it made him actually look behind with sudden seriousness on his face that made me chuckle.
"Funny," he turned to me with narrowed eyes and satire in his tone of voice.
"Wasn't really trying to be."
He furrowed his eyebrows and pulled away, realising he actually had to go since he had to yet prepare for the race. I kept still, watching as he searched for his drink around me, not bothering to even look at me. Did I cross the line by being jealous?
Knowing well we had to have a talk about it, it wasn't actually something I saw happening right now. His focus was elsewhere and I'm positive that whatever we had going on actually didn't even matter to him.
He told me himself, he's not looking for any sort of relationship because he's focused on his career. Yet here I am, utterly losing my own mind whenever he's close to me, which is the complete opposite of what we agreed on.
Hearing his trainer calling his name that it's time to go, the mechanics and both of the McLaren cars already prepared on the track, I woke up from the trance when he walked up to me. And of course the camera was on us.
"Good luck," I looked up to him with a smile, pulling him in by the back of his neck to give him a kiss, which now felt different than before.
Give the public the show of a happy couple to ease the rumours!
Lando turned away with one last smile that was the best calculated smile he could offer to the media. The last thing I remember before all the surroundings mixed into a blur together was the start of the race. Focus was impossible, everything around felt unreal and the only thing I wanted to was to lay in bed and see no one.
Minutes passed, the race went on, but I didn't enjoy it. My head was in a spiral of thoughts that I've kept away for so long. Looking next to me, I saw Zoe on her phone typing out something, and I contemplated telling her about what's happening.
But what was happening? She was most likely already taking care of the tweets and photos. So what would I tell her? That I most likely messed up on my side because it feels like it's no longer only a stunt for me?
Whichever way I ought to decide is for the future me, now I have to focus on the race. That's what I'm here for.
As Charles started on pole position, he also made sure to defend it well from others, especially Lando. Knowing that these two both had great talent, I wasn't worried when they fought on the track. Their cars switched a couple of times, Carlos's Ferrari also making an appearance every little while, but as they rounded up the last corner, Lando overtook Charles and drove straight into the finish line.
Laughter of happiness and cheering went all around the garage as both McLaren's scored a great amount of points and a win. As the mechanics ran to their driver, it was expected from me to run to him as well.
But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even though I craved his touch, I knew I shouldn't.
I watched Lando, Charles and Carlos on the podium, celebrating their positions and receiving trophies. The Tifosi were cheering all around, understandably happy for their favourite team to finish in high positions in Monza.
When I watched him, my heart felt like it was shattering piece by piece. And when I felt myself losing composure and the happy facade on my face, I quickly went to Zoe.
Tapping her on her shoulder, "Hey, I'm not feeling well so I'm going to head back. Can you just say congrats to Lando from me, please?"
"Oh, of course! I hope you feel better soon, if anything, I'm just a phone call away," the blonde PR manager smiled at me and I nodded before leaving.
I called myself an uber and drove to the hotel. Most people would probably be going to parties and celebrating today's race. Me on the other hand, that was the last thing I thought about.
Sadness took over me even more when I realised that for my best friend today's second place meant a lot and I wasn't there to share the joy with him. And I'm not there to celebrate with him. I wanted to be there. But I couldn't.
The only activity I was capable of was to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling of my hotel room. My chest was hurting and thoughts of why have I ever agreed to this, knowing damn well it will end up just like this.
How could I be so foolish?
Even when I didn't want to, he managed to steal my heart to his grasp. It happened like it always did, and even if he would feel the same way about me, it wouldn't work for us. I can't go through another heartbreak again, that's why this has to stop.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks, my throat tightened at every single memory I thought about him. About the way he held me, which now I know it meant a lot more to me than it should've. How much it affected me more than it should've, or more than it affected him.
How have I ever let myself fall like this? Have I not learned enough? Have I not known enough and stayed naive anyway?
My phone started ringing but I couldn't bring myself to reach for it. Staring expressionless at the ceiling was all I did. I didn't even know how long it was ringing until I heard knocking on my hotel room door.
"Eli? Are you there?" I recognised that voice right away. Picking up the last bit of strength, I stood up and walked to the door.
Charles stood there with a concerned facial expression. When he spotted me, his eyes widened and he immediately started, "Que s'est-il passé?" [What happened?]
My heart shattered on the spot, an embarrassing sob left my lips as my eyebrows tightened together, "I messed up, Charles."
He wasted no time before he came into my room and closed the door right after him, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I put my arms around him and started crying even harder as he slowly rocked us from side to side. "I messed up so badly."
"Shh, calm down," he soothed as he rested his head on top of mine, "You need to calm down first before you tell me, come on."
He led us to the bed and sat down, still holding me in his embrace, his soothing presence slowly but surely calming me down as he ran his hand through my hair. "What happened?"
"Something I didn't want," I only managed to whisper, looking empty of emotion into the wall, the tears drying up on my cheeks.
This moment was suddenly too familiar. Similar to back when it all started, when it still wasn't that tangled like it is now. I was calling for Charles's help, feeling that low that I wasn't even in full control of my actions. And instead of that, the person who's caused more chaos than everyone else has appeared at my door right as he heard me struggling.
He held me while I cried. Stayed with me until I felt okay. My lips trembled at the memory, as I started crying all over again, wishing that he would be the one to come to me and hold me now as well.
I've become so addicted to the thing we had between one another. So attached to the feeling of his presence. It would be okay, but the problem was that he wasn't just a friend in my eyes no longer. He became so much more. And that wasn't supposed to happen.
"It happened."
Charles's hand that was brushing through my hair stopped at my words, as he looked down at me confused. I looked up at him with puffy eyes, my lip quivered, "How could I let this all happen? I knew it from the start. You told me. You warned me but I didn't listen."
"I guess I decided to do it because I thought maybe it wouldn't be that bad, you know? I thought that he and I could become friends. And we did– but only for a while before I started falling for him. I don't even know how it happened. It was all so fast."
"We started hanging out basically on a daily basis to a point where it became weird to not see him. I wanted to see him, because I knew that with him, everything bad faded away. Just like it's with you– that's why I thought I didn't fall for him. But now I know that with him I have it differently."
My face grimaced as more tears escaped down my cheeks. "You love him," Charles whispered.
I opened my eyes and pulled my face away from Charles to look at him. Shaking my head, my lips trembled, "I can't–no–"
Lando's words that he's spoken repeated in my head, now getting to me more than ever before. I don't do good at emotions, if I do try to feel things, it often feels like it's eating me up.
It was all too contradicting with his actions or other things he had said. But this was the main thing that made me not want to tell him how I felt. It would mean that I would lose him completely - because he would run away. He would run away from the feelings.
"Why? Why not?"
"Because this is not him, Charles," I bit my lip to stop another sob coming out, pulling away from my best friend completely as he looked at me with confusion all over his face. "Lando isn't someone I could ever date for real. He doesn't do feelings. He told me - and reminded me many times - that he doesn't date. He can't ruin his career–"
"Now that's just a nonsensical reason–"
Shaking my head, I rubbed my eyes in frustration, not even understanding myself anymore. "For you, maybe. For him it's different. He was raised this way and he doesn't see it in any other way and that's where me and him differ."
"I know that what he and I do seems real. It is real to me now, but to him it's just another stunt. He told me at the start - that it's just another attempt. Another thing to pretend. Don't tell me that you've never been asked by your PR team to pretend to do something or look like feeling something. I can't trust that everything he'd ever done was real."
"And I know that what I'm saying right now sounds like bullshit, because Lando did things that he didn't have to, but my trust has been broken in the past and it's so bloody hard for me to believe that what was going on was real. Hell– it was based as a fake relationship."
That was another reason why me and him could not work. Simply because I wouldn't be able to trust him, which would be a burden to both of us. The worst thing is that perhaps I won't be able to trust anyone in a romantic relationship either.
At this point it was a whole waterfall that was streaming down my face, as I whispered, closing my eyes, "But I can admit that I felt like I was close to him. I just don't know how to go to him now, knowing how I feel and not telling him."
Charles let out a deep breath, taking my hands into his when he saw me fidgeting with my rings. "I can't tell you what to do, because let's be real– you wouldn't even listen to me, so.." he chuckled and a small, pitiful smile appeared on my lips.
"This is between the two of you. And even when I think he would understand you, I don't know him on the level that you do. I can't speak for him, but I do think he..he's difficult with this sort of topic. It is true that ever since I've known him, he was known for not having stable relationships and avoided it. The thing that is messing it up is the fact you quite frankly have to pretend like nothing's happening in order to keep the stunt going."
Silence reigned around my hotel room as I stared blankly at my hands that were held by Charles. The pain in my chest being a normal feeling from how long it has been affecting me.
"If you want my most honest opinion though," the Monégasque took a breath through his nose and looked deeply in my eyes, "This isn't fair. To neither of you. If you're not willing to be honest, then it's for the best that this stunt ends."
I broke eye contact with Charles and bit my lip, knowing he was right. If I'm not willing to confess my feelings to Lando, I will be lying to him and hurting myself at the same time. I don't want to do that to either of us.
"And I know there will be a lot to take care of, because this is not easy whatsoever, given the fact this is PR. It's going to take a while before it fades back to normal."
Closing my eyes, I calmed my breathing before whispering, "I don't want to lose him."
Charles's eyes were full of saddened sympathy. He knew. He knew what Lando meant to me even back then when I restricted myself to admitting it. He gave me a small, sad smile, "Il comprendra." [He will understand]
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🤠
anyway, Lando 2 in China!! yippeee so proud and happy and the complete opposite of this chapter!
- remember to to vote, comment and share - just the basics
adiós, c