Don't Do This
Warning: This chapter contains dark themes. A detailed description of a dark mental state of the main character and talk of rape. May be triggering to some.
Songs: Mockingbird by Dutch Melrose and Figure You Out by Voila
Rafe
I grip my phone tighter until my knuckles burn and turn white, shutting my eyes, straining them so hard behind my eyelids until they feel like they might fucking explode. Part of me hopes they fucking will so I don't have to see this old fuckers face again. On the other line of the phone going on and fucking on. Chipping away at my patience with his every word. I can physically feel the agitation burning under my skin, igniting higher and higher each time I hear his fucking voice.
Except I wouldn't actually want that..I've always been told I had 'pretty' eyes which made me want to stab them with a fork just so people would stop fucking commenting on them as if they're a fucking handbag in a shop window. Until Bella said it. Then I was okay with it.
This mother fucker just won't relent..acting as if I'm his own interior designer. He'd already pissed me off when he requested my presence at the property showing. Racking up my assistants emails until he was responded to. I only agreed to shut his ass up and so I could show up and show him just who the fuck he's trying to fuck around with.
"And what about construction? What if I wish to tear down walls before purchasing? I did hate the back room, it could be utilized so much more effectively" He tells me and I drop my head back. Wising I was sitting at my desk so I could smack it against the surface relentlessly. Feeling waves of irritation and anger sputter through my blood. "You do fucking realize I'm not a project manager building your goddamn office? Once you buy it you can do whatever the fuck you want" I inform him, speaking through my teeth, set in my clenched jaw, ignoring the ache beginning to form in the muscle.
I won't bother to explain how that's not actually true..He'd need a permit from the city to go through with construction but that's not my fucking problem.
The old fucker really shouldn't have the energy to be such a twat. He's pushing sixty. Showing up to the property walk in a dress suit and tie, was he attending a ball room dance afterwards? I wanted to slap his stupid fucking glasses off his wrinkled face every time he spoke. Losing my ever loving shit when he tried to question my knowledge and comment on my age.
That did end up with his notebook full of bullshit notes spattered across the lobby of the building. His pen stuck firmly in the rug. One thing I will not be is questioned or doubted. And I certainly won't fucking allow it to be fed. It'll be shut down the second it's formed and never thought of again.
We got into quite the colorful worded argument after that and he 'threatened' to take his business elsewhere to which I politely held the door open for him. His face was beat red with anger which only made me laugh, I could practically see the fumes of rage boiling off his skin. One of my poor showing agents, Lexi having to witness the whole thing.
He calmed his old grey fuck ass down after he realized who he was dealing with.
That was two days ago and while his respect towards me has presented itself he's still the biggest pain in my fucking ass.
The fucker definitely has never cared about a thing in his life except his own needs and if he's not still a fucking virgin, he's certainly never been able to bring a woman to her orgasm before.
I shoot a death stare over at JJ as he pops his fucking head in my office door for the hundredth time. What was my fathers office is now mine and that just puts a fucking smile on my face.
My god do I hate the weekends when he isn't at fucking school and runs around like a fucking toddler getting into everything and pissing me off.
"Where's the lawn mower?" He asks as I stare at him, squeezing my phone tighter as Rob goes on and fucking on.
"We don't have one"
"Why?"
"Yard maintenance.." I growl. Does he really fucking think we don't have someone who upkeeps the yard? Stupid fuck.
"That's pretentious" he tells me, shaking his head as I push off the wall, ready to bury my fists in his face.
I'm surprised he even knows such a big word.
"Get the fuck out" I growl, taking one step forward before he pops his head out and slams the door, my breath becoming rigid in my throat.
"What was that?"
"Don't worry about it Rob"
I can deal with people like him all day and ever since I took the position my grandfather left me with his company, I have been.
Every fucker this high up in real estate is drowning in money and has nothing better to do with it except tell everyone they have it. They're nothing but pretentious assholes who think they need they're groceries bagged in paper even though everything they're buying is concealed in fucking plastic.
It's fine, if they think being an absolute cunt will make me falter they're wrong. I'll be a bigger one.
Aside from people like Rob I don't handle a whole lot more than some phone calls and emails.
The company is one of the most successful real estate businesses in the state and if my grandfather hadn't sold the other locations out of business, they would be too. I'm still not sure if I'll reopen any elsewhere and right now I don't really fucking care.
It all belongs to me, I have hundreds of employees who all play a part in getting shit done.
I don't show the properties myself, that's what my agents are for. My job is fairly easy for the most part, as long as my employees are doing theirs. Those employees being the ones who deal with this shit. Until a Rob comes along and bitches a fit and I have to step in.
He needs to make up his fucking mind so I can hang the fuck up and go check on my girl.
She's been a mess and if she's awake by now I'm sure she's already started crying again.
It's only been two days since she found her mother dead on her bathroom floor. Or what was her bathroom..
She's cried so much I'm not sure how she's not fucking dehydrated yet and she won't fucking eat. Despite my attempts to get her her favorite snacks and try and bribe her by taking her to eat on the beach, in n out didn't even do the trick. She just shakes her head and says she isn't hungry.
I can see the pain deep in her grey eyes, so clearly I swear I can see the pressure of it behind her irises, threatening to shatter. She clung to me the entire day that she found her. Even waking up in the middle of the night, having shifted away from me in her sleep. She'd sit up with a gasp and scramble back over to me, squeezing herself against me until I swore she'd rub our skin raw. Like she couldn't get close enough. She's been quiet, aside for her relentless sobbing. She hasn't said much and yesterday I swear she flinched when I touched her. Something stabbing me deep in the stomach but I brushed it off. She's in pain.
Shoupe had called me early the next morning to give me details I didn't really want to fucking know.
It was a heroin overdose, hence the elastic around her arm and the syringe lying not far from it.
She'd been dead for two days before Bella found her, cold and stiff. God I wish I could erase her memories, she'll never fucking forget that forget that.
As sick as it may sound I have no sympathy towards her mother, in fact all I have is fucking anger. She berated and neglected her, her entire life she abused her mentally and physically and than had the audacity to traumatize her by overdosing and dying too. I wonder if it was even a thought in her cracked out mind when she realized she hit the floor and started choking on foam climbing up her throat. Did she finally feel something other than her high? Did she know she would be dead in minutes? Did she even think about the possibility of Bella finding her? Stupid bitch.
"Get the fuck out" I growl deep as the door pops open again and my agitation spitters under my skin.
Turning my head to the door, expecting to see JJ but instead I meet Bella's widened eye gaze filled with pain and now fear, her expression kicking me in the stomach like a fucking truck slammed into my abdomen. She quickly dips behind the door and closes it. Fuck
"I have to go" I growl through the phone as I move towards the door. "Excuse me? I'm not-"
"Figure it out Rob" I speak through clenched teeth before ending the call, shoving my phone down in my pocket.
"Bella" I call as I follow after her, having to jog down the hallway to catch her. My fingers curling around the belt loop of her jeans before I spin her around. Her eyes already beginning to gloss over. "I thought you were JJ" I tell her, reaching up and tucking her hair behind her ear as her gaze falls from mine. "I didn't know you were busy" she says, her voice laced with something treading around shame. Soft and fragile.
"I'm never too busy for you baby" I tell her as she looks back up, giving me a small nod. The heaviness behind her gaze just fucking guts me. The whites of her eyes are slightly red and I can see the irritation around her eyelashes. She was crying again.
"Did you sleep okay?" I ask before sliding my hand against her waist and pressing my lips under her jaw, feeling her breath shudder at my touch and her pulse quicken beneath my lips. "Mhm" she mumbles, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as I watch the wheels spin behind her eyes. Her nose slightly twitching like she's trying to figure out how to say something.
"I was wondering if we could go to Candy Hill? There's a book store there and I wanted to get some new books.." she trails off her words becoming softer, broken up by her voice cracking. In between crying episodes she had told me she went there to get her books. I had carried her over to my truck as she frantically told me her bag was inside and begged me to go get it. As if she ever needs to beg for anything. I'd do whatever she told me to, I'd be the one begging her.
There's a bookstore here too but I'll gladly drive her almost an hour away if that's what she wants. Maybe I can get her to fucking eat something there too.
"Whatever you want baby" I tell her as I cup her face, her soft skin against my palms, the heat of her pink cheeks making a heaviness settle in my stomach. Pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
"You want to get lunch too? We can go to that cafe there that you like" I brush my thumb over her cheek as she nods. "Okay"
I follow her around another corner and into a section tucked into the back of the library. My arms weighed down with the pile of books she's been stacking in them. We're already at a good twenty pounds of fucking books but it's fine. I'll carry thousands for her.
"You can set those down" she tells me softly, her eyes already fixated on the line of books in front of her. Plucking one from the shelf before slipping it open and skimming the pages.
Yes baby.
I set the pile down onto a bench in the middle. Black bookshelves surrounding us in a small circle. My eyes scan around, becoming increasingly bored. I never understood reading.. or writing. How does someone take twenty six fucking letters and turn them into thousands of words and make a story out of it? That might sound impressive but what sounds worse is having to read it..
Read it and have to picture it in your head? How does that even work? Maybe I'm just not good at imagining things, I've never been the daydreaming, head in the clouds kind of person. Everything was real and literal to me. I couldn't read something and have to draw it out in my brain like a film playing, I'd get a fucking migraine.
Just watch a fucking movie, goddamn.
But Bella likes it and if she wants to spend her day in some mid evil looking library that smells like leather and dust then I'll be standing here as long as she wants. It's keeping her occupied from her mother and for that I'll stand here for hours.
Rolling my knuckles against my palm as they crack, I roll my shoulders forward. Twisting my rings around my fingers until the friction causes the metal to warm.
Kicking at some warn out sticker stuck to the rug beneath my feet but it won't budge. Stupid fuck.
My eyes flicker to Bella whose nose is buried between pages as she flicks through them. Her dark blonde hair twisted into a messy braid, lying over her shoulder. Dressed in a pair of jeans with rips scattered across the knees and a long sleeve white tee shirt. See through enough that the fabric of her blue bra is visible beneath. Heat spattering through my abdomen just looking at her. She'd claw my eyes out if I pulled her away from her books but maybe I'd risk it just to drag her to my truck and tear her clothes off with my teeth.
Being here in a room full of fucking fairytales might help keep her mind off things, or I could make her come so hard she won't be able to think about anything but what I'm doing to her.
Sighing before I slump from where I'm standing deciding to have a look for myself at what the hell she's so engulfed in.
I move over to her, snaking my hand around her waist, extending my arm out and gripping the shelf to lean my weight into. Her vanilla scent invading my nose as I brush it against her hair. Kissing her jaw as my eyes scan the pages. My brows pinching together when I read one single line.
"But you're the king..you can't fuck your servant" I told him breathlessly as I backed away but he tore my corset open anyways as a gasp left my lips and buttons flew across the room.
For fucks sake.. what is this shit? I roll my eyes at what she's reading. I was unlucky enough to land on that certain line but I find it slightly amusing.
Borderline mental but amusing..
"You want to reenact that Bells?" I ask low in her ear, slipping my hand under her shirt, my palm brushing the soft skin of her stomach as I squeeze her little waist, Laughing when she stabs me with her shoulder. "No you creep" she tells, trying to seem revolted but the pink creeping under the skin of her cheeks doesn't lie. I only snicker and at her, kissing her neck, her pulse quickening under my lips. We're two of three people in here if not the only ones, I could fuck her right here against these shelves and no one would see. If she wants to read this kind of shit, she'd get a thrill out of the possibility we could be caught. I'm sure there's a trope for that right?
I push off the shelf, leaving her to whatever fantasy shit she's buried her nose in.
I run my fingers along the sides of the books, my rings clattering against them creating a ticking sound that has Bella shooting me a glare for making noise but I only wink in return. She's so fucking cute.
I spend another whole minute waiting, clicking my ring against the shelf. Smirking at her every time she shot me a glare and told me to stop. She finally shoves the kinky king shit back between the shelf. Her eyes scanning around, feeling my lips tug into a grin as I watch her. The way her eyelashes flutter when she blinks is enough to have my pulse spasming. Anticipation to just touch her swirling and crashing around my chest. My lungs tight from the lack of oxygen I've been allowing them, forgetting to do such a life depending task. My attention was diverted to something far more precious.
A sigh falling from my mouth as I turn on the heal of my shoe in a half circle, deciding to find something to entertain myself. My eyes scan the shelves, the entire library is filled with shelves of different colored book covers, except in this section their primary blacks, reds and dark blues. My eyes flickering up until they land on a sign hanging above the section, written in dark red calligraphy..
Dark Romance
I roll my eyes, feeling a smirk tug at my lips. I didn't know she was into this shit. I'll gladly reenact whatever she's reading with her.
I spot one on the end, a black cover dancing with deep reds visible from where it's tucked in. Not bothering to read anything, even the name as I flip it open. Chunks of pages bending to meet in the middle as I find a random spot deep in the book.
I don't even breathe yet somehow the oxygen falls flat from my lungs, my face contorts into a disgusted expression at what I'm reading.
The fuck?
"He put his gun inside of her?" I practically shout, not even paying attention to my volume in the sound sensitive library. Pretentious fucks.
The book being ripped from my hands a second later as Bella shoves it back on the self, glaring at me as I smirk down at her. I was again unlucky enough to land in a bad spot..what the fuck kind of book is that? Finding myself wanting to know the rest of it.
"How old are you?!" She snaps but I only grin at her. "Why? Is there an age gap kink in that one?" I tease, watching her eyes widen for a brief second before she scrunches her nose up, her cheeks flushing a deep red with embarrassment. She's so sexy when she's blushes.
"You are such a child" she hisses as me, shaking her head. Her eyes checking over my shoulder to make sure no one heard me. If she's really so concerned about my volume maybe I should fuck her right here and see how easy it is for her to keep quiet.
From experience I'd know it's very very hard for that pretty mouth to stay shut when I'm inside of her.
"No child should be reading that" I tell her earning another glare. "Well good thing you're the only one in here" she rolls her eyes at me. Tucking a book with a dark teal cover, dancing with golden letters under her arm before moving past me.
I watch as Bella pushes her food around, cutting a small piece of pasta in half before dragging it to her mouth. Chewing it stiffly like she's being forced to swallow it.
I was really hoping she'd eat. She always begged me every time we've come here, to come to this dumb little cafe that I can barley stand up straight in.
I thought maybe flipping through servant kinks and gun fucking that she'd grow an appetite to eat something. At least she drank most of her strawberry lemonade.
I watch her eyes stare at her fork, showing me nothing but her lashes framing her eyes as she stares down. Slowly lifting her head as her grey eyed gaze travels across the room. Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as a blankness falls over her features. Swallowing up any life in her expression. The dullness behind her eyes throbbing with pain as a gloss sweeps in and she quickly blinks it away. As much as I want to pry into her head and hear every single thought that's racking her brain, I won't. The last thing she needs is for me to interrogate her. But I'm not letting this go on much longer, she needs time to mourn but I won't let her wallow in it.
My own appetite dying in my stomach as a defeated kick knocks me in the abdomen. There's nothing I can do to take her pain away and it makes me fucking sick. "You ready baby?" I ask, her brows relaxing from the narrowed state they were in before she takes in a deep breath and nods. Lifting her fork to shove her pasta around so it looks like she ate more than she did.
Knowing her she doesn't want them to think she didn't like it..
I stand, keeping my spine bent, being wary of the short ass ceiling in here before I grab up the large paper bag full of books. Following Bella outside.
She stops ahead of me, waiting for me to join her side before she reaches for my hand and I shift the heavy ass bag into my one arm. Her fingers snake into my hand and she laces them around mine. Swallowing the small size of hers. The soft skin of her palm against mine sends waves of heat crashing behind my ribs. I'm so fucking in love with her.
Bella stays glued to my side as we walk. Silent for the most apart except answering when I asked if she wanted to go into anymore shops to which she said no.On a regular day she would.. She's hurting so bad she doesn't even want to shop around her favorite place to go. The thoughts only making my stomach twist cruelly
She got a few bath bombs, before we went to the library and got her books and some candy at a stand outside that I know she won't actually eat. At least not right now. She only got it because it was some little girl and her mother selling them and Bella couldn't walk by and not get some.
I toss the bags in the back seat, being carful not to tip the books over or she'll scream.
Slamming the door shut and turning just as her arms wrap around my waist and she buries her face in my chest.
My arm snakes around her waist, my hand raking through her hair before I drop my face into the top of her head and press a kiss to her hairline. Inhaling her sweet vanilla scent that practically has my eyes rolling in the back of my head. My chest weighed down with a heaviness, my stomach tight in knots resembling grief but it isn't mine. It's hers. My brain is so addicted to her that my body is mimicking her pain so she isn't alone in it. Stuck in a dark forest full of screaming torment, trying to get out but the tree tops cover the sky. The least I can do is run along side her.
I never understood why Sarah's mood would change if something was wrong with Bella or Kiara. If they were sad or hurt. I never knew the circumstances to those situations, because I simply didn't care. I only heard Sarah telling Wheezie or my father and I could tell she was in just as much pain as them for whatever reason, but I didn't get it. I didn't understand how someone else's hardship could weigh you down they way it did Sarah.
I never cared enough for anyone enough aside from her or Wheezie but even then it was different.
It wasn't the same kind of pain, I felt bad for whatever was hurting them and any fucker that hurt Sarah paid but it didn't sink my entire being like a ship drowning in the ocean.
Not the way it does now when Bella is hurting.
I feel everything she does. That's what happens when you love someone as much as I love her.
So fucking much.
She lifts her head, her chin pressed against my chest as she looks up at me. Her eyes lost in a dull gaze, clouded by agony. My thumb swipes over her cheek, feeling my brows fall into a furrowed state before I slide my palm against her jaw and lean down.
Pressing my lips to hers as her body molds into mine like clay. Standing up on her toes as her arms wrap around my neck and she tugs me closer. The taste of her strawberry lemonade blooms on my lips as they part, her own taste flooding my mouth. Her hands fall from around my neck, moving to the front of my sweatshirt before she clutches it tight. A whimper leaving her sweet mouth when I bight down on her bottom lip making her press herself deeper into me as my hands knead at her hips through her jeans.
The soft plumpness of her lips against mine, pressing so rough into my kiss that they sting, only making me want to throw her in the backseat and devour her. I didn't finish my lunch but I'll gladly eat her pussy to make up for it.
Her body trembles against mine, pressing into me so hard that I step back to catch my balance and crash into my truck. The force of her falling into me not stopping her as she continues to kiss me violently. She's going to break any second and I can feel it, like pressure building under her skin.
I shove off the side of my truck. Not caring if anyone in the parking lot is watching, they can all fuck off.
My arm wrapping against her waist, as her one hand releases my hoodie, the other still clutching it tight as she reaches up and slides her palm against my jaw, pulling me deeper into her kiss and her lips move roughly against mine.
A sob breaking through her lips before she tears away and her forehead falls against my chest as her body shakes. My arms wrapping tightly around her as I hold her against me, letting her cry.
My eyes scan the empty parking lot seeing nothing but cars parked. Not that I give two fucks if someone was watching.
"I've got you baby" I mumble into the top of her head, the weight in my chest sinking so deep it physically crushes my lungs making it hard to breathe.
Bella
I stare down at the bath bomb fizzing in my hand. The colors bleeding out through my fingers and dripping down the drain as the spray of the shower head pounds violently into the fizzing ball.
Standing motionless in Rafe's shower. The water turned as hot as it'll go yet I can't even feel it. My skin stopped burning as soon as it started. It felt good, I was disappointed when I adjusted to the temperature and it didn't make me flinch anymore.
I'm not sure why I even brought it in here. I wasn't planning on taking a bath but I wanted to watch it fizz..or maybe I just brought it in incase my thoughts got too dark at least the jasmine scented ball is colorful.
It's filled with many colors, bright yellow and pink, blue and green. You'd think it all mixed together it would turn brown..but instead it's a dark grey shade, the blue showing through more than the other colors. The yellow being the least visible in the dirty dark shade that holds no happiness.
If I didn't know where the color dripped from I'd never guess there was any yellow contributing to it at all. If I had to dissect it, I'd pick blue, purple, maybe even red but no yellow..no happiness.
My thumb brushes over the fizzling surface, what's left of its solid form is rough against my fingertip but it sizzles away quickly, swirling into an ugly grey as the water washes it down the drain.
I didn't want to take a bath..I was never allowed to take baths at home. My mother wouldn't allow me and if I ever did, she didn't know. She was either gone or too high, drunk to notice I was in the bathroom for longer. But I never took the chance if she was home, even if I'd confirmed she was passed out on her bed. She could wake up and come get angry at me.
She never did explain why she wouldn't allow me to take baths, maybe the water bill? Although letting the shower run wastes more water. She never told me and she didn't need to..I knew it was only because it was something I enjoyed and she was cruel. She wanted to take my happiness away and she did.
She sucked every ounce of joy out of me and I should hate her for it but I don't.. instead I feel guilty for feeling anything negative towards her at all.
She abused me, mentally, physically. She beat me down until I was nothing but an insecure, self conscious mess. A little girl who outgrew her childhood but took the pain with her. The inability to believe I was lovable never left my flesh, the idea that I deserved to be treated badly is ingrained into every surface of my brain. Bad habits that were embedded into my being followed me.
Even her addiction issues somehow kissed my better judgement and I dabbled in drugs when the pain wouldn't subside.
She ruined me.. yet I can't bring myself to not feel responsible for her death.
I should have gotten her help. The second I could, I should have found her a rehab center or at least a therapist who specialized in addicts. She would have fought me and I have no idea how I would have convinced her but no ounce of me will allow myself to take that as an excuse.
I could have helped her..and if I had. She wouldn't be dead.
It's my fault.
My mind sinks deeper into the swirling dark pit of trembling grief, burning guilt and brain suffocating pain. If they were colors..they'd be nothing but black and the darkest shades of bloody red, deep purples that can't hold any light. If I had to compare mental pain to any form of physical discomfort. I'd say bruising. If you a splinter it would sting.
Touching the surface of a curling iron would burn.
Scraping your knees feeling like needles prickling your skin.
All of those opening or injuring the surface, but bruising happens underneath. It doesn't break the skin but it bleeds underneath and usually looks uglier than any blood or cut.
Pressing on them hurts even worse. Like your nerves being squished together and suffocated, bleeding out and spreading around, showing every color pain knows.
It's the only thing I can compare it to. The weight in my chest, the knot strangling my stomach. My head is screaming yet completing destructively silent. My skin is numb but underneath? I'm bleeding out.
I stare at the colors dripping from my hand, growing increasingly angering at the yellow and squishing what's left of it in my palm before letting the water wash it away, bleeding into that dark ugly grey.
I reach for the shampoo, the muscles in my arm burning at the movement. My body hurts, everything hurts. I feel exhausted yet I've barley moved.
My fingers wrap around the bottle as I squeeze some into my hand before raking it through my hair. Digging my fingernails into my scalp, a little rougher than normal. Pain feels good when it's all that's consuming you on the inside.
I hate what ifs.. nearly my entire existence has been made up of them. What if I was born into a different family. What if I lived someone else where rich people weren't so close and cruel. What if I was born a year later or a year earlier..would that have changed the path my mother took? What if he was born a boy? Would my father have abused me the way he did or would he have feared I'd grow into something stronger than him?
What if I was prettier? What if I was and attracted the right boy who would save me.. What if I was smarter, I could have gotten a scholarship somewhere and gotten away.
They're endless..
But the one that hurts the most is the one that's overpowered every thought I've had since I found her stiff and cold on the floor.
What if I had gotten her help? What if she had gotten better?
What if she had and what if we could have fixed our relationship?
What if I had kids one day and she had a relationship with them too? She could have fixed what she did to me through them. Made it up.
But she can't..she's dead and it's all my fault.
I stand under the spray letting the water wash the shampoo out of my hair as the suds drip away and slide down my face. A sharp gasp leaning my lips as I slam my eyes shut, wincing as they burn. Soap having slipped in them. I blink under the spray, feeling heat gather in them as tears sweep in to try and rid the suds.
I stare at the wall, somehow feeling the tears drip down my cheeks despite the water hitting every surface of my skin. I could have helped her..
My fingers travel up my throat, brushing against my wet and slick skin as I press them under my jaw and find my pulse beating against them..that's what's a pulse should feel like.
The feeling of my bothers lifeless heart beating is suddenly embedded into my fingertips and I rip them away, anger protruding up my spine, at being able to feel my own when I took hers.
My eyes swallowed up by the marble of the shower. Whites and greys, swirling into the stone. Smearing and smudged around in small circular patters.
I could have gotten her help.. The color of her veins flashes in front of my eyes. The unnatural way they stuck through her skin, her lips a shade of blue I've never seen, never want to see again.
I could have helped her..
My teeth press together, as I feel pressure swallow up my spine as I start to shake. My nose scrunching up painfully as a cough climbs up my throat and sob breaks through.
Choking on my cries as I suck in a sharp gasp of air, sucking in water by accident as I cough violently.
My legs wobble beneath me as a pounding throb hits the back of my skull, tears fill up and pour out of my eyes, being wiped away by the shower spray but not before more spill out and burn my cheeks.
"Rafe!" I sob, my words tearing through my throat as I fall to knees. A brutal throb bruising my knees by the slick stone floor. Lifting my shaking hands to unstick my sopping wet hair from my skin. My throat tightening, growing with an aching burn, constricting my air flow.
"Fuck baby" I hear his voice, like numbing medicine finally kicking in after an iv was hooked into you.
He's always had a calmness to him, at least once I felt safe with him. A reassurance in some regard. I can be totally broken, he'll pick up the pieces, I can be lost and he'll know how to get back. I don't think there's much that he couldn't do, couldn't overcome. Even fighting my battles for me and that in itself creates a safety I never knew I needed. His voice can seep into my skin, numbing and paralyzing my nerves as it flows through my blood. Sinking deep into my flesh until it kickstarts my oxygen back to flowing the way it needs to, wraps my heart up in bandages until it can beat again properly on its own. Manipulating my brain to turn off its defense and go back to operating my body. It's a poison, but one I need. One that only heals.
But right now it's like it just ricochets off my skin along with the water beating down on me.
He shoves the glass door open with a loud glassy thunk to the marble wall. Not bothering to turn the water off, not even fazed by it soaking his cloths as he crouches down in front of me, his massive arms wrapping around me before he pulls me into him. My tears soaking into his shirt become lost in the shower spray. My body falls motionless not being able to bare anything but the muscle fighting to keep beating in my chest, keeping the oxygen painfully filling my lungs.
"Breathe Bella" He tells me, his hand raking through my still soapy hair. I press my cheek harder into his chest to feel his comfort. His scent invading my nose, musky and warm and something dancing around the scent of leather.
I shut my eyes, trying to keep my tears controlled. They burn unbearably either from the strain of my sobbing or from the soap.
The sensation of his fingers, trailing up and down my back has me shivering, causing a clash of emotions to battle in my nerves. The agony screaming under my skin as the heat and tranquility of his touch shivers up my spine. I wouldn't have to watch that fight to know Rafe would win it every time, but that time is not tonight and the pain seeps back in, overpowering it but at the least, diluted for the time being. He's stays silent, only holding me and providing his touch. There's nothing he can say and he knows that. I can see the pain in his eyes every time, trying to find something to ease my torment but he can't and it visibly guts him.
My sobs come to stop as my lips part and I suck in a deep breath, the pressure of the air flooding into my system, kicks a throb at the back of my skull and I become suddenly aware of how bad it hurts.
"Let's get you out baby" he tells me, his hands sliding to grip my forearms as he shifts to sit on his knees and I find the strength to fall onto my butt.
Glad the water has heated the shower floor or it wouldn't feel to nice sitting naked on cold wet stone.
"I didn't condition" I mumble defeatedly as I reach up gather my hair into my hand, trying to wash the rest of the suds away,
He stands as my swollen eyes move to sweep his body up and down. His grey sweatpants, soaked at the knees, the white shirt he's wearing completely wet showing off the peaks of his broad sculpted muscles, the fabric clinging to the defined dents.
Stuck to his stomach and molding into the divots of his abs. "This one?" He asks, snatching the purple bottle off the shelf and I nod before he resumes his position on his knees in front of me.
I muster the little energy I have to scoot out from under the spray and put my back to him.
Feeling his hands rake softly through my hair, his fingertips feel like ecstasy as they massage my scalp, helping to ease the burn of my migraine.
Pulling the conditioner through the length of my hair, down to the ends before I feel his lips press softly to my shoulder.
I fell right asleep once he carried me to bed and helped me pull on something to wear. I swallowed down some ibuprofen and was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.. Well as soon as his arms were around me.
I was more than grateful that my body was so deprived of energy that all it could do was shut down and seek rest. Falling asleep like that will only ever be a blessing, like getting knocked out cold. No time for your brain to settle into thoughts, whether good or bad. You're subconscious can't pick through memories and images to run on film behind your eyes.
Rafe left early this morning, he told me where he was going when he woke me up but I don't remember. My head was pounding so bad. As soon as my lids peaked open the only emotion I could detect was dread.
My brain was awoken, kick starting my body to wake up, my nerves grinding into each other painfully, igniting paths of fire under my flesh. My lungs being ripped from their struggle free state as that sickening weight returned and settle above them. Sinking deep until only a centimeter is left for my air to flow.
My stomach coiling into suffocating knots as an intoxicating poison began to bleed through my veins.
All of it returning in just a matter of seconds, followed by my sore eyes peeling open.
I wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep but I couldn't.
Some how in my dead state of slumber, my brain was still working, spinning and racking through its hallways, finding something deep for my pain to dig up.
The second Rafe shut the door behind him the only thing that filled my head was the smell of chlorine, a bitter sweet alcohol on my tongue that stained it purple..
Pink was never my favorite color but I didn't hate it, only now I loathe it's cousin fuchsia.
That stupid bikini..if I had just put it back maybe it wouldn't have drawn his attention to me. I won't let my shame convince me that any amount of my body being on display would justify his actions but it still sizzles dreadfully under my skin.
I throw the blanket off of myself feeling my breath hitch, catching between my throat and tongue as I swallow it down. My skin growing clammy and sweat lines my hairline. The room was dark, almost black and hot..so hot. Or maybe the body weight above me, weighing me down despite my fight was the heat source. Nothing about that night will ever leave the mazes of my brain but what sticks the most for some odd sickening reason was how my skin felt.. Sticky and hot, covered in a fighting sweat. My conscious jerking me awake despite the drugs he'd filled my drink with, coursing through my system and paralyzing my brain.
It fought so hard to wake me up so I could fight and I tried..I really tried. Between the black outs, my head crushing into the pillow and losing consciousness. I'd awake again and claw at his skin until he pinned my arms down, my legs were useless, crushed underneath him. I only had so many chances to get away before my mind gave out and pulled me into blackness. It tried to let me fight but when I couldn't? At least I was gifted the sympathy to pass out so at least I didn't have to witness it..all of it.
I stare blankly at the screen in front of me. Having taken Rafes laptop to do some research and hopefully find some comfort or validation from those who have experienced what I have..Rape
I never thought to seek out how others felt but now that I did, I wish I hadn't.
My eyes don't leave the words displayed intimidatingly across the screen. Sitting below the now over video.
Rape victims and Their Stories
I was only wanting to find some affirmation in my trauma. Hear someone validate how I feel so I don't feel crazy but that didn't happen. Instead I only feel guilt and shame. Shame for having overcome it so easily when all of these other victims spent months, years just trying to regain their sanity. Feel safe enough to go out and feel the grass and couldn't fathom the touch of another on their body.
Even a hug was revolting to these poor victims let alone sex in any manner. Yet I didn't seem to have a problem with it. The second Rafe kissed me for the first time, I wanted more, I craved him in every way my body could. How selfish of me.
Was I so desperate to be loved that I tuned out my trauma? Was I so sickly eager for someone to want me that I shut it out when in reality I should have seethed at a man's touch?
Not all victims are the same.. Some loathe touch for the rest of their lives and never have sex again, they can't fathom a feeling that took their innocence, their humility, while others become hyper sexual, only wanting to cover up what their rapist did. Bury it so deep, under sensations and pressure from others until they can't remember what it felt like.
And then there's the ones mixed in, balancing in the middle of those extremes. Yet I can't say I fall on that ladder anywhere.
I worried I wouldn't want to be touched or that my body wouldn't respond to touch the way it naturally would but it did. It did when Rafe pulled those feelings from me with nothing but a kiss.
These victims won't ever be able to enjoy life in all of its aspects yet I had no problem, I didn't even get triggered. I only wanted him.
I continue to want him and it leaves me feeling nothing but shame and guilt when these others are still living out their nightmare.
It still affects me, in ways I'll never be able to wrap my head around nor explain. It'll always be carved into my innocence. A piece stolen that only Rafe can bring back and fill. Those pieces aren't made to be replaced, yet he somehow found it.
Filling that piece that was unwillingly ripped from me, healing the cracks and smoothing out the thorns that tried to grow across my scars. Only leaving roses blooming in their path..
He's healed every inch of me, every broken and battered breath, every agonizing nerve, every fear embedded memories and torment filled scream. My anger isn't forming towards him, yet it's the only thing my brain can make sense of and latch onto.
In some sick way this is my brains way of distracting itself from the pain it's soaking in. Diverting it to something darker, something I've already become familiar with. A trauma that isn't a stranger like my mothers death is.
Focusing on that so it doesn't hurt as bad yet it's only caused me to dissect it, dig so deep until I find a nerve within its darkness that hasn't been struck yet and I have..
I'm angry, seething. But only at myself and everything I didn't do..like help my mother.
The day passed sickly slow, tormentingly slow. Everything, even the air I breathe feels stale and stuck.
I managed to dress myself. Popping into Sarah's room to steal some socks, feeling a wave of loneliness wash over me at its emptiness. She's only at volleyball practice but I feel so..alone.
Although if she was here, I wouldn't be able to explain how I feel, simply because I don't understand it myself.
JJ left about an hour ago, probably off with John B or Pope.
Leaving me to this giant house all alone. I've been consumed with thoughts before but not like this. They're flying around every crevice of my mind, assaulting every inch until I can hardly move my feet with tripping.
Clouding my brains ability to even let my body move the way it's supposed to. In a way it reminds me of when I'd finish a really good book that I was hooked on. After the last page you just sit there blankly, it's words, it's contents being the only thing filling your head. You can't think of anything else for hours after but eventually it fades and you move on to something else. Only this is much much darker and I can only hope it'll fade but the hope of that tastes bitter on my tongue.
My head snaps to the door as it pops open and for a brief second I'm relieved that something has managed to pull my attention.
My eyes meet his, sending an ice through me that burns underneath my skin as nausea attacks my coiled stomach.
I knew my guilt would consume me and now it is. "Hey baby" His voice is both like fire and ice clashing as they fight to overpower one another. His warmth is there, the security and love he fill me with but my guilt is snaking in, trying to take form and disguise itself in him until I push him away and trust me when I say I'm trying to fight it..I really am but it's strong. "Hi" I clear my throat, the sound of my voice fills the room but the words don't leave my tongue.
I take him in, wearing dark jeans and a black sweatshirt as he closes the door behind him, his eyes watching me almost predatorily but I know he's really watching to see how concerned he needs to be with my state. I tear my eyes from him as I move across the room. Falling onto my butt at the window seat and sinking into the cushion and I twist my fingers together, digging my nails into my skin as I stare blankly at the ground.
Tears beginning to burn and push pressure behind my eyes the second his blue one meet mine. Like pools of crystally ice; filled with a deep sorrowing pain, pain for me. God I don't need anymore of it!
"Baby" his voice is laced with a silk like tranquility that has me shivering nauseously. Trying to fight itself way into soothe me but the guilt and shame swirling in my veins fights it. "Hm?"
I don't want to feel like this, it hurts so bad. I just want it to go away. I don't want to stir in it any longer but I can't fight it. It's like I've been crushed with a concrete slab and no matter how hard I push it won't budge.
"Have you been in here all day?" He asks, wincing when his fingers slide up my knee. Despite the soothing circles he rubs through my leggings I want to pull away. Or the demon that's attached itself to me is telling me I want to. "Mhm" I mumble, a tear finally trickling down my cheek and I yank away when he reaches up to wipe it away. My eyes snapping to his, disbelief blooming for myself as I take in his almost startled expression.
Confusion swirling with a soreness forming in his eyes, my actions having struck him painfully.
He pulls his hand away, clearing reading my body language and I want nothing more than to pull it back and feel his touch. But I can't, the fire in my core is burning deep and dark, fueled my guilt I didn't know I was supposed to bare and shame I was mindlessly unaware should consume me but now that it does, it's screaming.
Something deep flickers in his eyes as I watch the muscle in his jaw tick. He's trying so hard to be patient with me.. "Bell I know you're in pain but you need to pull yourself out of this baby" he tells me, his words only flickering through my veins and grinding into the flames, igniting them higher as an anger begins to bubble.
"That's easy for you to say" I mutter as I pull my legs up, eager to put more distance between us. My gaze falls, I can't sit here and look him in the eyes while I unwillingly hurt him. I'm walking a thin line, ready to snap at any given moment. "You can't wallow in it Bella, it'll destroy you"
Snap
I bolt up, shoving past him as I move across the room. My skin burning beneath my sweatshirt, his sweatshirt..
"Wallow in it? Is that what you think I'm doing Rafe? Do you think I'm just having the time of my life wallowing in it?" I hiss. Watching him stand as I take in his height, his expression falling from the softness he wore to a blankness, ticking with something I can't place.
"No Bella, I don't think you want anything to do with it. You need to let yourself heal and you're not. You're letting it consume you" he tells me as his feet shift as if he's going to move but stops. Planting them where he stands, his shoulders falling as he sucks in a deep breath with a rigid sigh. Crossing his arms over his chest as he watches me through a narrowed gaze making me feel much like a deer in the sight of a hunters gun.
My fingertips shake as I reach up and push the hair out of my face, heat boiling under my ribs as anger sizzles deep. How can he stand here and say that when he has no idea how I feel?
"You don't get it.." I breathe, my eyes falling to the floor as I chew on my lip. Fighting the venom trying to boil its way through. Biting down until I taste copper and blood blooms on my tongue.
"Don't you dare stand here and tell me not to let it consume me, you have no idea what I'm feeling Rafe" I hiss. My nails digging deep into my palms. "Oh I don't?" He asks, his voice shifting the entire atmosphere. The air thickening between us a a suffocating tension sends an intimidation radiating through me. The softness coating his words falls to its death, physically feeling his patience drain. I know that tone..he's angry.
My eyes snap to him just as he stalks towards me.
"I don't know what it's like? Are you forgetting my mother died the same way Bella?" He asks, the words leaving venomously from his tongue. Twisting my stomach into knots as I stare at him, my anger faltering before it snaps back into place.
"Years ago..this is completely different" I speak through my teeth, my own words like acid on my tongue. I want to stop, but I can't. It hurts so too much, my anger is the only thing letting it out.
The red behind his gaze blaring hotly.
"You're right..I wasn't a full grown adult, I was a six year old child" he tells me, his feet dragging across the wooden floor as he slowly moves towards me.
"Not only was I the one who found her, lifeless and cold in her bed, having overdosed. No Bella I wasn't given that mercy, I got to watch her slowly die in front of me for months and it doesn't stop there" his voice is full of a foreign toxin I've never heard him speak before, digging out a fear I didn't know I could feel through this. I've never seen him in this state of anger, I struck a nerve I never should have dabbled with..
"I knew the cause of her death wasn't those pills, those were her escape not her death" He tells me, coming to stand only a few feet from me as my eyes fall round, swearing I can feel the heat radiating off of his skin.
"I heard her death..for hours I while I hid outside to protect my sister from men I couldn't fight off. Raping her endlessly while she screamed and suffered. She didn't die that night but she lost her life, the months that followed were only a repetitive agony of what happened to her" A sharp gasp leaves my lips as tears coat my eyes. His words sinking deep into my flesh like microscopic knives, leaving a burning trail of fire wherever they land. The realization of what I've said hitting me like a brick of ice, my conscious screaming, begging but I can't.
Everything is clouded with my own agony and I can't see past it.
"My mother wasn't an abusive neglectful drug addict, she loved me, she cared about me and she deserved to live a life free of anything negative this world has to offer. She was kind and generous, she would have died for her children and the only reason she fought as long as she did was for us but she lost that fight too. She didn't deserve what came to her so don't you dare stand here and tell me I don't understand how you feel when I've lived it my entire life Isabella"
Tears are streaming down my cheeks by the time his lips close and his eyes settle into mine like they don't plan to leave. Holding my gaze captive, torturously forcing me to stare into his beautiful eyes and watch the damage, the pain I've caused grow.
A thick heaviness coating every piece of my being as the muscle in my chest throbs brutally, every once of it covered in deep black bruises, if it's not bleeding yet it will soon.
I swallow down the weight of what I've done, what I've said. Pushing it deep as my fingers are suddenly pressed under my mothers jaw but nothing drums against them. The sickening unnatural blue consuming her lips rises up and flashes behind my eyes as I try to fight and see past it but it consumes me. My lips trembling as my mind diverts my attention back to the anger rather the pain.
"And I suppose you've been raped too? You're an expert on that too?" I hiss. A wave of electric like fear bolting through me as my tongue pauses in my mouth when he smirks.
If there's one thing I've learned about Rafe and his anger.. He's scary, his jaw will clench, the muscle will tick with the tension, his eyes will burn you so hot that you'll swear they turn red despite their icy color, his voice will tear through is throat, embedding the fear of the gates of hell into you but none of that should scare you as much as it does when he smiles..Smiles through his anger. That's when you know you've really fucked up and I have.
"You got me there" He says flatly, his lips tugging into a rage filled smile that doesn't reach his eyes or even the corners of his full lips and suddenly the man he's become disappears and the angry teenage boy I knew for so long is standing in front of me, everything about his demeanor shifting back into place as if I'm walking back in time.
"You don't even care" I shake my head at the smugness of his reaction though I know he's not being smug. He's pissed, beyond pissed. "Mm" chews on the inside of his cheek as his brows perk up before settling back down.
"Is that why I spent weeks up your ass trying to make sure you didn't kill yourself? Keep what Mark did from consuming you? You think it was easy to watch you crumble the way my mother did? What you were going through was nothing new to me and it just about killed me to watch her die all over again through you but I stayed right at your side. I almost killed someone because they hurt you, Violated you" He steps towards me, closing in on the space between us with each step. His voice becoming particularly aggressive on the last words like he trying to strike a nerve and he does. My bones shake beneath my flesh and muscle as anger penetrates my skeleton.
Sizzling at an unbearable heat as my lungs fight for air.
"Make no mistake my love, he'd be dead if Shoupe hadn't stopped me. I shot my father because he threatened to slit your throat, spent weeks in a different country to keep you and your friends safe, let's not forget the countless hours I've spent with the police, SBI to get your friends fucking gold back, you think I did that out of the goodness of my heart Bella? No I did it for you"
His tone is laced with a coldness I've never felt from him. Not even before..When we were kids..or before what Mark did. This is a different kind of rage, fury and ifs directed no where but at me and I deserve every second of it.
"If I'm such an awful fucking person then how can you stand here and say you love me?" He asks now only a foot or two from me as I stand shaking in my skin. My vision becoming unstable as the emotions coursing through me start to become too much. Trying to understand it, understand why it won't fucking stop but I can't. It's like trying to speak a language I've never heard before. All I can do is listen and try to respond but I'll say the wrong thing every time..
"Maybe I don't" I breathe, venom climbing up my throat like jagged claws sinking into my throat and scaling my tongue, tears glossing my eyes as they snap to him. His blank expression breaking as his brows fall furrowed, his eyes almost widening as a state of shock clouds them. "What?"
My fingers move before I even know where to, slipping my rings from my fingers as they clatter together in my palm.. The rings he bought me.
"Maybe my trauma was so much that I clung to something that wasn't real, maybe I convinced myself it was so it wouldn't destroy me or who knows Rafe..Stockholm syndrome is real maybe I had that" I choke on my words as tears streak my cheeks, my lips trembling as I speak, the lie leaving a sickening bitterness in my tongue as nausea creeps in, sloshing my stomach around like I'm being thrown around loops of a violent roller coaster.
The anger fades from his beautiful face, only leaving him staring at me as his eyes grow glassy. The muscle behind my ribs throbbing violently as it tears to shreds, shattering into thousands of pieces and falling at the bottom of my spine. A silence falling between us.
"Well if that's how you feel" He speaks, blinking his eyes once to gain his composure before his anger seeps back in and any sign of the pain I've just caused him disappears as if it was never there.
I say nothing, tears spilling down my trembling lips as the taste of salt blooms on my tongue. Pulling my eyes from him as I back away, shaking more and more by the second as I drop my rings onto the surface of the our..his dresser. "I'm sleeping in Sarah's room.."
"That's fine, just don't come running to me when Mark pays you a visit in your dreams"
A sharp gasp burns my throat, my eyes filling up as I take one last glance at the daggers burning holes at me through his gaze.
Sobbing into Sarah's pillow the second I collapse on her bed.
My cries tearing through my throat as an unbearable pain throbs at my skull but it's nothing compared to the internal screaming inside of me. I didn't want that..this, I didn't mean..I just want the pain to go away, it won't go away and now it's ruined everything. I love him, I love him so fucking much. I've never loved anything more nor did I ever imagine that something so strong could exist until I felt it with him. I love him, I love him so much..What have I done?
Rafe
I stare blankly at my computer twisting my pen around in my fingers. It's an expensive pen. Did I need to spend three hundred dollars on something that will run out of ink? No but I can do I did.
My eyes watching the numbers in my bank account rise as Robs payment processes. Of course I closed the deal, I always win. But not with her.
I kick my feet up onto my desk, sitting back in my chair, twirling the pen around as it clatters against the metal of my rings..
I never wanted to fall in love, I promised myself I wouldn't the day my mothers life was stolen from this planet.
Why? Because it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad but I carried that promise with me. Despite the fact that my brain outgrew my six year old self. It didn't matter, I stuck to it. I didn't want to feel that again.
It didn't matter that she was my mother and the pain that falling in love could bring would be an entirely different species than losing her. It would be strong and it would hurt just as bad.
There's not much that makes me falter, it takes quite a lot to even fucking faze me and losing at anything is a joke to me.
Until her. I lost to her.
I fell my fucking knees at her feet. My promise to myself was nothing but a memory. She swept in and wrapped me around her finger until she controlled all the strings. No one's ever controlled me; except myself but her? She's my puppeteer and I'd gladly do whatever she asked.
She owns me, she possesses me. I am hers, in this lifetime and every other. If past lives exist then I've found her in every single one. I don't care if my being is different in the next and I'm meant to find someone else, I will hunt her down no matter what body she possesses, I will find her because she's all my soul will ever need.
I won't think about what she said. She did her damage, no use in letting it stab at a wound that's already opened and bleeding out. I can't describe this, it's heavy, it's hot, it's ice fucking cold and that burns more than the fire.
The skin of my wrists is untouched yet their slit open and draining me of blood.
She lets her emotions consume her; whereas I just shut them out, let them go play in a fucking field while I sit emotionless in peace. I tried..I tried to be patient with her. Why would I be anything else when she's in pain and I'm so in love with her, I'd blindly throw myself in front of train if she asked.
I won't ignore the guilt that I didn't do enough to rid her of it but she didn't give me a chance. Her heart is hurting so she ripped mine out and stomped on it instead. I feel guilty to compare anything to the death of my mother but this? This hurt more than I can even recall the pain of losing her did.
I sigh, amusement filling my gaze at the numbers rising on my screen yet it means nothing to me at all.
Nothing does but her.
It's been four? Five? hours since she ran out of the room leaving me standing there contemplating suicide for the first time in my life.
I hadn't felt the urge to feel physical pain in a long time. Not since I'd cut myself when I was child but in the moment..in this moment. I'd like to find the sharpest knife I possess and slide it down my chest, slicing it open it cleanly open. Or maybe jagged would be more painful.
She's hurting, and that kills me. I've always been able to look past my own suffering for who I cared about and until her that consisted of very few people.
But I can't do that, not now. I couldn't run after her and try to fix her when she so easily tore my existence up and left it in a pile on the floor.
My eyes burn into the blue lighting of the screen, the number growing higher but it mean's absolutely nothing to me. Not a fucking thing.
They're blurred from the light burning my corneas, embedded with a bright flash as my eyes snaps to the door as it clicks open. The light beginning to fade as my eyes relax into the warm lighting of the room.
My chest tightens when I see her face, the agony she caused me throbbing unbearably as I meet her gaze. My wounds are fresh, still actively leaking blood, seeing her only stabs them deeper as they sting and burn so deep I fear my bones maybe melt beneath my flesh.
From here I can see her fingers tremble against the wood of the door as she peaks in.
"Oh come in, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I ask. My own defense mechanism setting in, setting in for someone I never thought it would have to.
Her eyes round as she steps sheepishly inside, closing the door behind her with a click. Her cheeks are splattered irritably with a deep pink, her eyes red and swollen pronouncing any blue that lies within the grey of her irises. On a normal day it would pain me to see her look so broken and it does but right now it's nothing compared to the torment engaging me.
"Can we talk?" She asks, her voice brittle and thin like it might snap in her throat.
"Sure baby, please come tell me some more about how your love for me was all a made up distraction for your trauma" I drop my pen to the surface of my desk with a loud clack before I kick my feet off and stand from my chair. Her eyes watching me, glazed with a regret I've never seen on anymore. If she were in trial for murder, I'd call her as guilty in a second from that look.
She watches me like a wounded animal fearing for its life. She's not the one whose wounded here; at least not half as much as me. I don't care how bad she's hurting, she has no idea what she did to me.
I move around my desk languidly, leaning back against it as my hands grip the side from behind me. "I didn't..I didn't mean what I said.." she trails off, her words flickering through me like a drug trying to resurrect my soul that she crushed in her palm and slip through her fingers to the ground like sand. But I shove it down, ignoring it as it fights to climb up my spine. "Don't lie now Bella, you've already made yourself clear" I tell her, watching her chest shudder as her breathing picks up. Good, I hope it makes her nauseous.
I want her to feel everything she put me through.
"Rafe..I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said, I love you" she tells me, a nauseating burn chokes up my throat but I breathe it back down. I won't let her power over me so easily break in and pull me back under, not when that power possesses endless control, it's a dangerous thing to give someone but it's already hers. It has been.
"Okay" I tell her flatly, a smirk twitching at my lips as my stomach turns into coiling knots watching her eyes gloss over. Waiting for me to speak but I don't, I have nothing to say.
"You're not going to say anything else?" She asks, watching me so intently like I might disappear if she dares to pull her eyes away and maybe I will. She already crushed my entire being, I wouldn't be surprised if I just turned to dust.
"Do you want me to say it back Bella? If that's what your waiting for then you'll be standing there for a long time" I tell her, recoiling at the bitterness that's left on my tongue from my words. Knowing they'll cut through her like swords, deep and painful. But that's what she did to me.
"I've been thinking about what you said and maybe you're right..maybe I'm the same way.." I trail on, the muscle encaged behind my ribs throbbing as I conjure up the most venomous thing I can say to her. My body finding it unnatural to hurt something so precious to me but..she..did..it..first
"Maybe I just felt bad for you, maybe I had some of my own trauma spill through and make me feel things that weren't real. Seeing you in the same position as my mother had me wanting to help you, fix you since I couldn't fix her.. it just tricked my brain into thinking I loved you but now that you've made it so easy to see? I don't really think I do Bella" I tell her, vomit threatening to pounce up my throat as it sloshes violently around my stomach.
Watching her eyes fill up, the light reflecting off of the pools of pain in her eyes, her lip trembling unbearably. Good, I hope it fucking hurts. I want her to feel everything she made me feel. Her heart ripped from chest and violently stomped, let her feel her soul decay the way mine did at her words, her organs turn grey and die, every ounce of blood in her veins turning to dust until she's nothing but dried up in screaming anguish.
I watch as pressure pierces cracks behind her eyes, breaking her into as many pieces as she shattered me into and it fucking..guts..me
I'll pick her up, I'll kiss every wound of hers. I'll travel to the end of the earth and burn the world down if it means finding her happiness and bringing it back to her, never letting a flame touch her. But not before she feel's everything she put me through.
Sometimes I forget that I'm dealing with a broken child half the time with her. When something hurts she goes right back to that mental state of having nothing to lean on, nothing to find comfort in. She can't speak it's language, she's never learned it so instead if all complies until the pressure is too much and it exploded into a thousand different directions of emotions. None making it clear which to follow and she ends up having no idea why she's saying something, or what's making her.
Her nose scrunches up as she tucks her neck back, her eyes watching me through her soaking wet lashes, her lips trembling unbearably as I sob breaks free in her throat and escapes her lips.
Her shoulders shake before her quivering fingers fall over her lips. I did it..I broke her, and I fucking hate it.
She turns on her heals, her long dark blonde hair swaying behind her as she moves towards the door but my feet are already carrying me across the room.
My arm wrapping tightly around her waist as I flip her around, crashing into my body as she sobs uncontrollably. "I didn't mean it" she cries. I lift her up, her legs circulating my waist as her arms wrap so tightly around my neck that my oxygen flow constricts. Burying her face in the crook of my neck.
"Come here baby" my arms a snake around her holding her small body against mine as I fall to my knees, keeping her tightly pressed into me. "I'm s..sorry Rafe..I'm so fucki..fucking sorry" she sobs, shaking so hard against me I'm afraid she might start seizing. "I love you" she chokes, pulling away from my neck as she meets my eyes, her face beat red and soaked with tears. That warmth finally breaking its way back through, twisting and snaking around my ribs, eating into the muscle behind them like it's resurrecting what she broke. My hand rakes through her hair, feeling her heart pound viscously against my chest.
"I love you so much, I didn't mean anything I said..Rafe I'm sorry.." her words are cut up and tossed into a sentence with no beginning or ending as I hold her, my wounds being stitched up by the same person who cut them.
My pain redirecting to what's consuming her. No longer concerned with what I'm feeling, only the hell haunting my reason for living. Sobbing in my arms.
"I'm hurting so bad..everything hurts...I love you, I love you Rafe" she chokes burying her face back in my neck. "I love you too" I mumble into her neck as I breathe in her sweet vanilla scent.
"It hurts so bad" she tells me, squeezing her legs around me tighter as everything she's feeling seeps into me, I only wish we didn't share it and that I could absorb it all from her.
"I know baby"
Hey guys! Are you okay?
I know a lot of you will probably be angry at Bella which is understandable she does a lot of questionable things..however please keep in mind that her character represents someone with deep self hatred and emotional issues from being abused and neglected as a child. Showing what damage she carries with her from her childhood and how it affects her.
I hope you can trust the process! Thank you all so much for reading! I love reading all your comments so don't forget to comment and vote! Hope you're enjoying!💗
Pssst! Next chapter ~My Lifeline~
Get ready for some 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️