Bruises

Chapter Ten

The Nightmares

Warning: This chapter contains talk of self harm.

The rest of the day passed extremely slow. Rafe never came back in after he left earlier. I didn't ask him about Topper and his involvement. I wanted to but he looked annoyed enough with me.

I grew extremely tired and eventually fell into some sort of light sleep, I felt safe to do so being that it's daytime and light outside. I don't think anyone would come after me in the middle of the day?
I'm not sure how long I was asleep, not long enough to feel rested however. I still feel like a zombie.
It's now 6:30 and my stomach is screaming with hunger pain.
I haven't eaten in almost two days. Im not sure how I'm not dead..
I'd never ask Rafe for anything however and there's no way I'm going to the kitchen by myself where anyone could see me. Plus I'd never help myself to anything. Even as much as Ward and Sarah told me I was welcome to, I never touched anything without asking or if they asked me.

I've taken three showers already and am starting to feel the urge to take another. I try to keep them quick so I'm not racking up the water bill.
By the third shower, my arms were bleeding in different places from scrubbing them so much.
I've cried almost the entire time since Rafe left the room.
I started to look for neosporin to put on the cuts since I accidentally made them bleed from scrubbing in the shower but I ended up feeling guilty for having done it in the first place which only led to five new ones..

I feel so alone in this. Even if Rafe knows, I still feel like I'm completely on my own in it. I have no one to talk to, I certainly can't talk and vent to Rafe. He couldn't care less, he's only helping because..well I don't know why he's helping me but he certainly doesn't care.
He's not really even helping me, he's just letting me hide here and not telling anyone and occasionally checks in on me to usually glare or say something snarky.
I don't even have my favorite stuffed animal with me. Maybe it's silly that I'm seventeen and still have a stuffed animal but it's the only thing I ever had at home to comfort me, and my diary which I don't have either.
My mother hasn't even tried to call me, so I assume she isn't home to see I haven't been there.

I walk over to Sarah's bay window, taking a seat on the bench and pulling my knees up to my chest as I stare out over the backyard. The pool water moves slowly in one direction then back to the other side, repeating the same motion over and over.
I watch as it moves so softly, it looks so soft and like if you touched it it would feel like jello.
The reflection of the sun in the water fades as I sit watching it move, making my stomach turn as I know it'll soon be nighttime. I know I won't be able to sleep but I'm absolutely exhausted so maybe I will just pass out from sleep deprivation.

But someone could  come in and get me..

I close my eyes, resting my cheek against my knees, imaging myself around a camp fire with the pogues like I know they're doing now.