freen kicks her car door close and carries the sleeping emily in her arms into the armstrong compound.
"she fell asleep crying," she says as she meets up with becky and her mom at their doorstep. "maybe i should carry her directly to her room so she won'twake up."
they lead freen to emily's bedroom to tuck the kid in. when she's left alone, freen murmurs one more apology and kisses the kid's forehead. she heads out of the room and sees becky standing with a phone against her ear.
"... yeah. she's sleeping now. let's talk to her tomorrow about it."
becky's gentle voice is so soothing freen can't help but smile. she stood there staring, admiring how elegant the woman looked in her long white night dress. but there's still a hint of jealousy inside, knowing becky's talking to her husband--or ex-husband-to-be. becky hasn't talked to freen yet. the ambiguity of their relationship sends freen to uncertainty.
becky turns around and meets eyes with freen. "yes. that would be great. goodnight, mew," she says, not breaking the gaze. she hangs up. freen takes it as a sign to approach.
"hey."
"hey."
"umm." freen looks to her left and right as if she's searching for something. it was undeniably awkward, and she's sure becky can feel it too. "i don't know if there's any better way to say this, but emily knows everything now, and she hates me."
becky raises her brows. "she what?"
"i'm sorry. but she overheard your mom and your husband talking about this other person involved with you. and i don't want to pretend and lie to her. i told her it was me."
"gosh." becky brings a hand to her forehead. "i'm sorry. this is all my fault."
"hey. it's not your fault. i should be the one apologising. she's got every right to hate me."
becky massage her temple this time. freen notices how she look so stressed like she hasn't been sleeping well for days.
"i don't know what to do anymore..." says becky, almost helpless. "which ever path i take, someone will always get hurt... it s you, or me, or emily, or mew..."
"hey. hey. calm down." freen reaches out, cupping becky's elbows, the latter leaning in the touch and breaking down in freen's shoulder instantly. "hey. it'll be okay."
"i don't know what to do anymore, freen..." becky's frame shakes. "i don't know what to do anymore. this is all my fault..."
"there's no point trying to find out who's at fault or who's to blame. what you need to do is find a way to fix this."
"but what should i do? i don't want to hurt anyone anymore..."
freen rubs becky's back. "look. the more you try not to hurt anyone, the longer people around you will get hurt. you just have to decide, bec and be firm with it."
becky looks up at her. "but how?"
"ask yourself, what do you want?"
"i can't do that. because no matter what i choose somebody will always get hurt."
"people are already getting hurt. and the more you're stuck with this indecisiveness, the longer all of us will suffer."
"but how can i be happy with my decision if i know i've hurt you, or mew, or emily in the process? i can't take that, freen. especially emily, she's the last person i wanted to hurt with my decisions."
freen feels like her heart is being pulled down. if it's a battle between her and mew, she stands a chance. but if emily is involved, she knows that even she would tell becky to make it up with her husband.
it's a mismatch, because emily's the most important person in the world to becky, more than freen, more than her mom, and even her husband. freen won't blame becky for that.
she holds becky's shoulders and puts on a brave mask.
"look, bec. don't worry about me getting hurt anymore. i'm fine. i'll be fine," she says with full sincerity. "i know your husband already made a decision for the two of you, but if you still want to make up with him, i would understand. i don't want to keep hurting emily either. and it'll be easier for me to stay away from you and her knowing she hates me now."
becky's face shifts into worry. "freen..."
freen cups becky's cheek. "bec, i... i want you back. i want you back so bad," she says, desperate, needy. "i know i made a mistake before. i left you, and i regret it up to this very second. if you give me a chance, i promise -- no, i swear -- i'll make it right this time. i'll fight for you no matter what. i won't give up. i'll never leave you again."
this causes becky to break into a crying mess again as she holds becky's hand on her cheek.
"but if..." freen pauses, preventing her voice from breaking. "if being with me would cause you and emily so much pain, just say the word, and i'll stay out of your lives forever."
"no..." becky shakes her head. "no, freen. no." she cups freen's face this time. "don't say that, please." she loops her arms around the taller woman and hugs her. "you can't... i need you... i know i should have talked to you sooner about this, but a lot is going on. i'm worried about emily. but i don't want to lose you again. please don't go..."
freen closes her eyes, feeling becky's warmth. "but what about emily? she wouldn't want to see you with me. she'll hate you for it."
"i can assure you that separating, and becky getting back with mew won't fix the issue with emily," an incoming voice says, startling becky and freen. it was becky's mom. "even if you fix everything with mew and continue your marriage, emily will still remember this day for the rest of her life. it will just worsen her hatred towards freen."
becky pulls back from freen. "mom..."
the older woman folds her arms on her chest. "it's time that you two make things right together, not on your own. mew already gave you that chance. i don't understand why you are still complicating things."
"but, mom..."
"emily will eventually understand," says the woman, her voice firm. "she loves freen. she won't be mad at her forever. but you two, i hope you've already learnt your lessons from your decisions before. you're old enough to know that giving up on each other won't help. you have to do it together, and you have to be firm because it won't be easy at first."
freen and becky just stare at the older woman, mouths open.
"you have already wasted a lot of time being apart. don't you think now's the best time to make up for it?"
becky took one step closer to her mom. "mom, are you saying--"
"i don't know how else i can say it so you would understand." the older woman rolls her eyes and sighs, pretending to be annoyed. "it's okay to worry about emily, but don't let her stop you from being together again. she loves you both. i'm sure she'll learn to forgive and accept you. if you could convince me with your everlasting and unchanging love for each other, i'm sure you'll convince your daughter too."
becky looks at freen with hopeful eyes. she reaches out for freen's hand and rubs a thumb over it.
freen feels like all the cells in her body are exploding into happiness. it's like there's an internal fireworks display celebrating the birth of a new life within her.
she thought it was impossible, but here it is now. her years of agony and pain erased by becky's sweet smile.
the joy overflows into her eyes. freen didn't realise she's already crying. she glances at becky's mom, who gives her a small smile and an assuring nod.
freen looks back at becky. she intertwines their fingers and notices the absence of a metal ring. she smiles.
"let's do this, bec."
---
"you said you hate me..."
"i know..." becky nuzzles her face further into the crook of freen's neck. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean that. a lot just happened that day and the day before that, and the week before that, and i just sort of... exploded." she releases a sigh, her body relaxes against freen's while they lay on the bed in her bedroom.
the wedding picture on the wall is now gone, reassuring freen that having becky in her arms now isn't a dream.
"but you were still planning to make it up with mew, right?" she says.
becky doesn't answer. she sighs again and pushes herself up to look down at freen. "i was doing it for emily. you know i'd do anything for my kid."
"i know, and i understand every bit of it." freen trails her fingers along becky's arm. "but i got scared. i thought we had another chance, then in an instant, it got snatched away. i..."
"shhh..." becky stops her with a quick peck on the lips. "it's over now, okay? we're okay now. i know i was unclear these past few days, but this is what i want, freen. i want you."
"but you're still worried about emily?"
"i am. and i still feel this guilt for hurting mew. but mom's right. it already happened. making it up with him won't be fair to him and won't unhurt my kid." becky's face becomes sad. "i just hope emily will forgive us soon."
"hey. i'm with you on this one, okay? we can take it slow with her. maybe it's best if she won't see me for now until her anger subsides. i can talk to her again if you think the timing is right."
"then how are we going to see each other?"
"i'll leave tomorrow morning before emily wakes up. i'll stay in my apartment and check the shelter and the construction site while you're busy with your duties. then at night, once emily is asleep, then we can sneak in to see each other. either i go here, or you go to my apartment. we aren't that far, anyway."
"but aren't you supposed to stay in the city for your work?"
"i will only go there whenever i have schedules. after that, i'll drive back here."
"but that's a long drive!"
"you were willing to do the same for me when i was injured, remember?" asks freen, silencing becky. "look. i want to make this work out. evens are now extinct. i am no longer in AEF. as i've said, i'll make it right this time. i'll do everything i can to be here for you all the time."
"oh, freen.." becky buries her face back in freen's neck. "thank you."
"i promise you, i will never let go of you again, ever," says freen, full of resolve.
now that she's given a second chance, she intends to keep her word no matter what happens.
because being with becky gives her this feeling like her entire body is finally relaxing and her brain finally finds peace.
becky is indeed her sanctuary. her haven. her home. freen will do anything to protect what they have now.
becky fell asleep that night resting on top of freen, like how she used to do before.
---
kade's eyes almost popped out of their sockets.
"oh my goooooosh!" noey squeals, hugging and kissing freen and becky. "i am not dreaming, am i?" she says, pulling back and fanning herself. "you two are finally back together?"
"yes, we are," says becky, glancing at freen. "right, honey?"
freen blushes. "yeah..."
noey squeals again. "gosh! i'm so glad! i meant, no offence to miu--"
"it's mew," says kade.
"--whatever his name is." noey rolls her eyes. "don't get me wrong. i have nothing against him. i will always be thankful for his contribution to bringing emily into this world. but my point is, i seriously think you two are right for each other. your love is truly right."
"that's cheesy," kade comments.
"oh, come on, kade! don't ruin my moment here! you're just bitter because you haven't made progress with your romantic life yet."
"excuse me, i am going out exclusively with someone now."
freen raises an eyebrow. "oh. really?"
"anyway, my point is..." noey pauses and looks back at freen and becky. "it is truly right because your feelings for each other lived from year to year. yes, there were changes in your lives, but the love never disappeared."
"noey--the romanticist. i think i've heard that line from a song." kade smirks and noey growls. "anyway, we're both happy for you." she hugs becky. "i'm happy for you. finally acting upon your own feelings, huh? though i wish you have done this sooner instead of waiting for mew to do it for you. how's he, by the way?"
becky glances at freen first before going back to kade. "he got himself an apartment for now and stays there. it's closer to the hospitals he's working in. he admits he's hurting, but he says being busy really helps."
kade shakes her head and sighs. "it's not always rainbows and butterflies."
"that i'm sure i've heard from a song!" noey exclaims and everyone laughs. "anyway, aren't you supposed to be at work today, becky?"
"it's my off ," says becky. "we drove here today so freen can get some of her clothes. she'll be staying in the town more often than here. we called you since we know you two are in the area."
"why get more clothes if you don't need one when you're together?" asks noey, making everyone look at her with horrified faces. "come on! we're all adults here! it's not like you two aren't gonna do it."
freen awkwardly meet eyes with becky, who's face is red. "stop that, noey. just order that pizza now. we are hungry."
"ooh. too horny to eat earlier?"
"noey!" says freen.
"yah!" says becky.
noey raises her palms up. "okay! okay! i'll order now. chill."
kade watches noey walking to the balcony, making a call. "having emily, our little becky, is really cute. but if ever we'll have a little noey around..." shakes her head. "i don't want to imagine it."
"yah! i heard that, kade!"
---
a few hours later, they were back in town. becky had to go home first so she can have dinner with emily. she made sure her daughter's already asleep before she went to freen's apartment.
and now, they are making out on the sofa like two horny teenagers when suddenly becky pulls back.
"wait. i remember something."
"w-what...?" asks freen, her lips swollen.
"how far have you gotten with love?"
"what?"
"you heard me."
"are you seriously asking me that now?" freen gestures to their position, how she's hovered above becky.
"yeah. i want to know. according to mew, love said nothing happened between you two because you stopped."
"isn't that what i've been telling you before? nothing happened between us."
"well, if you had to stop, it only means you were already doing something, right?" becky raises an eyebrow. "so, tell me, how far have you gotten with her?"
freen groans, pulling back to sit on the couch. she glances at the painting first, remembering how that night went. she knows there's no way becky would let her off the hook. she exhales.
"we... we made out."
"you did? where?"
freen awkwardly turns to becky and taps the couch. "here."
becky gets up. "okay. i'm outta here."
"where are you going?" she grabs becky's arm.
"i dunno. maybe i'll stay in the balcony where there's no trace of love. unless you made out there too?"
"why are you so jealous?" freen yanks becky into her lap.
"freen!"
"no." she caged the smaller woman in her arms. "i told you, i will never let go of you ever again."
becky pouts. "hmp."
"look. i don't want it to sound like i am blaming this on you," says freen gently. "but i was lonely that night, and paranoid. i messaged you but you weren't responding, so i thought you may be doing something with... with your husband..."
that stops becky from trying to break free from freen's arms. "why would you think like that?"
"why shouldn't i? you're a married couple."
becky kisses freen's forehead. "then why did you stop? i'm sure you're having a good time with her for you to bring her here."
"i remember you..." she grazes her thumb over becky's lower lip. "i remember your kiss, and i just... stopped. i couldn't bring myself to do it anymore unless it's you."
becky leans into freen's shoulder. "well, truth is, mew and i haven't been doing it for a while now. there's been a lot of fighting these past few weeks. i think it all started when we went out together on our anniversary. we fought that night because i wasn't in the mood. i was hella worried about you."
"should i apologise to mew for ruining sex for him?"
becky playfully pushes her. "i love you."
"i love you too. and i..." freen stands with becky still in her arms. "i shall show you tonight how much i love you..."
"freen!" becky kicks her feet as freen carries her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, freen hovering above her after.
"i haven't... made out... with anyone... in this room yet..." says freen, kissing becky in between her words.
"oh, yeah? but i clearly remember love going out of your room last time."
"well, she slept here, but i took the couch."
becky just looks at her in silence, hands playing on freen's nape.
"what?" freen asks, feeling conscious.
"i love you."
freen melts at that. "i love you too."
"please don't leave me again, freen."
"i won't, honey. i promise i won't. after going through a lot, i realised that it's only you that i want in this life," says freen. "i don't want to sound like i'm stealing somebody's family, but you and emily make me feel complete."
"you're not stealing somebody's family," says becky assuringly. "and i don't have plans of taking my kid away from her father. but i'm glad that you love my daughter like your own."
"i would love anything or anyone you love, bec."
becky smiles. "thank you." she pulls freen down and kisses her.
the kiss escalates quickly, and becky had to break away before it is out of control. both were gasping for air.
"i... there's something i want to tell you..." says becky, her eyes never leave freen's. "i know you want this. believe me or not, i want it too. but..."
"but...?"
"i... i'm feeling guilty doing this with you..."
"w-what?"
"don't get me wrong..." becky gently pulls freen's head to her chest. "it's not about you or mew. it's about emily. i feel like i'm betraying her if we do this now."
freen blinks as she hears the heartbeat of her lover against her ear.
"i know it sounds crazy, but can we wait for the divorce papers to come out first before we do it?"
freen releases a relieved sigh. "okay. i thought we'd never have sex again for the rest of our lives."
becky laughs. "i didn't mean it that way! i just don't want to do it yet while i'm still legally married to my daughter's father."
freen props her chin on becky's chest to look up at her. "i understand."
"you do?"
"yeah. i'm sure the process won't take long as it's a consensus decision between you and mew. and as long as i can still kiss you and hug you, i've no problems with that."
becky smiles again, looking relieved. she pulls freen to kiss her. "you really are the best! thank you."
freen smiles back. "shall we take a shower for now so we can cool this heat down?"
becky chuckles. "i'll shower first, okay?"
freen pulls back. "sure."
becky stands up and goes to the bathroom. freen takes that opportunity to check her phone and search online about how long the divorce process usually takes.
her eyes widen when she sees the answer: 'minimum of six months up to a year.'
"what the hell!"
the door to the bathroom opens, and jbecky's voice follows, "are you all right, honey?"
freen closes the app right away. "uh... yeah... just reading some stuff online..."
"okay. i love you."
"i love you too."
the bathroom door closes. freen buries her face in the mattress.
"dammit."