"here, take this." freen hands over a can of beer to mew who accepts it.
"thanks." he opens the can and sips from it, wincing after. "damn. you really gave me a good lip cut with your punches."
freen chuckles. "i am a veteran, in case you have forgotten."
mew chuckles. "right."
"do you need me to get the medkit again?"
"no. i'm fine now. how about you, is your nose still bleeding?"
"nope. all good now."
mew nods a few times and then turns his attention back to the city view in front of them. "becky's right. you have a pleasant view from here."
freen opens her can, bends over to the railing, and drinks. "she never told me that."
"she told me that night she came here. says you have a cool balcony."
freen smiles.
"she was... extra sweet that night to me, you know..." says mew in a way freen knows he's ready to spill something. "exerting extra effort to provide real-time updates. i don't have issues with her going here. you were injured after you saved our kid. going here to take care of you is the right thing to do."
"but her actions that night got me thinking," he continues. "she was over-communicating to the point i find it odd. is she masking something underneath that sweetness? is she trying to give me the impression she's no longer in love with you when in fact, she still does?"
freen eyes her beer can and wipes the dew with her thumb. this conversation is making her feel guilty at some point.
"i never mentioned that to her." mew sips from his can. "besides, she's exerting too much effort to make it up with me, leaving no room for any doubts."
freen drinks her beer too, silently listening.
"becky's an admirable woman. really. a woman of her word." mew huffs. "despite our fights and the challenges we are facing, she never gave up on me. she was never willing to throw in the towel even if i wanted to."
freen looks at the doctor. "what do you mean?"
"i've been talking to her about getting a divorce since two years ago."
"what?" freen's eyebrows furrows. "please tell me you're not cheating on her otherwise i'll really kill you now."
"i'm not! i wouldn't do something like that to her. not to her." mew went silent. "she doesn't deserve that."
"then why divorce her?"
he looks at his can and exhales. "she's in pain, and it's because of you and me." he looks at freen. "i am the only reason she hasn't begged on her knees for you to come back to her yet."
"that's not true. she loves you. she told me she doesn't have plans of leaving you for me nor anyone else."
"yeah. that's the reason we made it this far. eight years. only because she wants to keep her vow when she married me."
a crease forms on freen's forehead. "i don't understand. she loves you."
"yeah. but she loves you more."
freen shakes her head. "look. it doesn't matter if she still feels something for me. what's important is she's willing to fight for your marriage."
"she would have done the same to you if you hadn't given up on her before. she would have beaten all the odds for you. that's just how she is," says mew. "she's already proven to me how much she wants us to work out, and i admired her for that. but the way she looked that night when she broke down still haunts me up to this very moment. and i keep asking myself, why am i still holding onto her?"
"it started two years ago, after you saved emily," he continues, bringing the can to his chest. "she was down and lifeless, crying secretly for months like she's mourning or something. i noticed, so i confronted her. she wouldn't admit it at first until i finally get her to admit it's all because of you."
there was a pause. freen had to look down as guilt builds up again inside of her.
"so, i asked her; what if emily and our marriage aren't in the equation, will she still choose me? which was a fucking wrong move because she couldn't answer me." mew chuckles. "i told her we should divorce. she said no. she said she loves me, and we'll make it work out for emily. i felt her eagerness so i agreed."
for some reason, that story made freen recall that night in the hotel room when they broke up. mew's story is like a déjà vu of what happened to her and becky before, of how the latter couldn't react when freen asked if she likes the doctor who was calling her.
the memory of becky admitting to it still brings pain in her chest. but she feels sorry for mew too, having to experience the same thing.
but yeah, mew's right. becky would have beaten all the odds for her only if freen hadn't given up on them.
"i wanted to hate you, but i couldn't," mew admits. "i want to blame it all on you because all of these wouldn't have happened if you hadn't given up on her. but whenever i think about it, it's all my fault."
"she told me all about you when i asked her to marry me," he continues. "i didn't care because all i care about that time was to put a ring on her finger. so, i told her all the flowery words i could come up with to make her feel i understand her, and that i'll be there for her no matter what. and she agreed to marry me. i got the girl. i was happy. but i realised she said yes only because she thought you were never coming back; because she needs to move on with her life too."
freen pushes herself back from the railing and looks at mew. "but becky wouldn't give up on you. isn't that enough reason for you to make this workout with her?"
mew purses his lips and shakes his head. "i don't want to hurt her anymore. i know she's in pain whenever she sees you with other women. i always thought you're over her, seeing how you interact with them. i thought it's one-sided for becky. but for whatever reason, fate maybe, love and i met this morning. she just had to tell me how you two hooked up weeks ago and how you ruined it by saying you're still not over your ex yet, and that you want her back."
"i'm sorry." freen looks down, embarrassed. "i didn't know she'd tell something as embarrassing as that."
"well, that's love." mew smiles a bit. "what's more embarrassing is i got mad after hearing that story. i thought you and becky were cheating on me all this time. i confronted her and told her things. she cried and admitted everything, even that night she spent with you instead of going to work. enraged, i drove straight here to give you a piece of me. but while i was driving, i thought to myself: if you both still love each other, then what am i still doing, standing in your way?"
freen doesn't know what to say. this is why she feels guilty because she knows she did something she shouldn't.
"i'm sorry for coming here unannounced and for attacking you. i just had to let it out. been bottling that for two years," says mew. "i knew i was the reason you two broke up before. and it irks me to know that despite the entire country admiring how brave you are, you're still a coward when it comes to becky. you fought the evens before but you never fought for her. and until now, you still won't fight for her."
freen clenches her fist, feeling guiltier now. "i won't deny it's my fault. i gave up on us without a fight. but if i'll be given a chance to correct it, i would have done differently. but i can't anymore. and still can't do it now because our situation isn't as simple as before."
mew said nothing after that. they stay silent, listening to the buzz of the city.
"please tell me you still love her," he finally says. "like you did before -- if not, even more. i want to hear it from you, coming from your mouth."
freen looks awkwardly at the doctor and then looks down at her beer. "she's... she's the only person i've loved in this way. to be honest, i don't think i'll be able to love anyone else the way i love her. and it sucks. because i shouldn't. because she has you and emily."
"will you take her back if i set her free?"
freen isn't sure if she should answer it. but mew's face is serious, and he demands an answer.
"i'd jump at the chance," she admits, and mew's face softens. "but you can still work this out. i will stay away from you--"
"i've made up my mind. we've already prolonged this for too long. she's already given me nine years of her life, eight years in marriage. and as i've said, i don't like to hurt her anymore by keeping her beside me. she wouldn't give up if i wouldn't, so i'd do it for her."
freen stared at the doctor, gape-jawed.
mew gives an assuring nod. he looks away, narrows his eyes hard as if preventing tears to fall.
"just please take care of her, will you?" he says, but his voice breaks. he covers his mouth with a hand. "please... please take care of her. make her happy..."
freen takes the can of beer from mew's shaking hand and pats his back.
"fuck! this hurts so much! dammit!" mew smacks the railing with his palm and breaks down in tears. "but this is the right thing to do, isn't it?" he looks at freen. "you will make her happy, right?"
"mew--"
"no! you have to promise me you'll make her happy, or else i'll kill you!"
"i... i promise..." she assures him. "but what about emily?"
"she will understand eventually," he says. "it's not like she never had an idea. and the more we prolong this, the more she's hurting. she's the one who told me how her mom always seems happy whenever the three of you go out." he stands up straight and wipes his tears. "i will still be there for them, for emily. but i'd have to set becky free. i know she won't agree with this, but i need to do this for her otherwise, our marriage will consume her."
there was a sudden buzz on the door.
"there's a high probability that could be becky," says mew, fixing himself. "i left her in the middle of an argument and turned off my phone whilst driving here."
"should i let her in or do you want me to tell her you're not here?"
"please let her in so we can talk."
not sure what's the right thing to do, freen went to the door and opened it. mew was right. it was becky.
"freen, what happened to you!" becky enters immediately and sees the mess inside. "what--" her eyes widen, seeing both freen and mew standing before her, both with bruised faces and blood-stained shirts.
there was a split-second hesitation of whom she should approach first, but becky went for her husband and cups his cheeks. "babe, what happened?"
freen puts her hands in her pockets, smiling in disappointment.
"we had a bit of an argument, but we're okay now," says mew calmly. he holds his wife's hands. "we need to talk."
"look. whatever happened earlier, whatever i told you, let's forget about that, please?" becky, pleads. "can we just give it another start, for emily?"
"becky, please..." says mew. "i already talked to freen. i've made up my mind."
becky steps back, looking alternately between freen and mew. "no..."
"babe, i'm only doing this for you--"
"no!" becky keeps retreating. "you two are just the same! while here i am doing everything i can to keep you, you're just deciding to give up everything and leave me behind! do my decision even matters to you? do i even matter to you?"
freen felt all the pain in becky's words. her eyes warm up. she knew how her actions before hurt the other woman so much. she wants to approach and hug becky, but she can't, afraid it'll push the woman away.
"so, you went here to hand me over to freen, is that it?" becky scoffs. "what am i, a toy? did you even consider asking me how i feel about this? and emily, can you really hurt your daughter like that?"
"babe, please--"
"i hate you!" becky shouts at mew. she looks at freen, tears streaming down her cheeks. "i hate you both!"
and with that, she storms out of the door, leaving freen and mew alone. freen was about to follow her out but mew stops her.
"let me talk to her," he says. "freen, thank you for everything."
mew closes the door behind him. freen's left alone, thinking how her life resembles her apartment's current state.
it's messy.
---
freen didn't hear from anyone after that. she assumed that maybe the couple talked it over and decided to work things out.
noey was beyond shocked when freen told her. kade, who's always been becky's confidant, admits she hasn't heard from the woman yet. both advised freen to take it low for now and let mew and becky settle the issue themselves.
two weeks passed, and freen goes back to her usual life. she never attempted to visit becky or emily even if she goes there to check the shelter. her visits were mostly spent with namtan, who advised her the same thing -- to stay away for now.
she was close to thinking her chances of getting back with becky is close to zero, until one day her phone rings.
it was later afternoon. freen just finished parking her car in her apartment building after visiting the shelter when becky's name flashes on her phone. she stares at it for seconds, internally debating whether to answer or not.
and what would she say? hi? hello? what's up?
shaking her head, freen clears her throat and answers it.
"freen..." becky's voice is distressed. freen knows something bad happened. "a-are you here in town...?"
"yeah. i just came from the shelter. what's wrong?"
"emily..." becky sobs. "she... she ran away after overhearing mew and mom talking about the divorce... and i don't know where she went... i... i am still at work. mew is looking for her now, but he can't find her."
that surprised freen. so, they are still pushing the divorce. although she wants to ask more, she sets the idea aside.
"hey... calm down. i'll go help find her, okay?" freen is already walking up the stairs to her floor. "are there any places you think she would go to?"
"i don't know, freen... i..." her voice cracks.
"bec, calm down. i can ask for help from my staff here. i can message my former SAU comrades too for help. i'm sure she's--" she pauses when she sees emily sitting outside her door, head on her knees like she's crying.
"freen...?"
"she's here."
"she's there? i'll tell mom and mew to go there now."
"no. let me talk to her first. i'm her playmate, remember? she'll tell me all her thoughts. i'll bring her back to you later once she's calmed down."
it took time for becky to answer. "okay. thank you..."
"stop worrying now, okay?"
becky sniffs. "thank you, freen."
"no prob. i'll call you later." freen hangs up the phone.
she walks towards the kid, wondering how she can face emily, knowing she's the cause of the kid's pain.
---
"hey. your mom and dad love each other, and them separating doesn't mean they don't care about you." freen tries to console the kid who hasn't stopped crying since they entered the apartment. she even had to carry the kid to the couch for them to settle and talk.
"but why do they have to divorce?" emily looks up at freen, her eyes swollen. "can't they just stay together?"
"i..." freen looks away. "i don't know, sweetie. but i'm sure they'll still be there for you. i'll be here for you too."
"freen..." emily wraps her arms around freen's waist and buries her face in the latter's stomach. "i don't want them to divorce. please talk to them..."
freen's heart breaks. she looks up, preventing tears from falling. "i've talked to your dad about it before... but i'll try again..."
"please... please..."
"do you know why they are divorcing?"
"i heard daddy tell granny he's doing it because he wants mommy to be happy..."
freen didn't know what to say. she rubs the kid's back with a hand. "baby..."
emily pulls back. "granny says mommy's never forgotten 'her' even if they were married and daddy looked so sad. i knew she was talking about mom's first love."
freen looks at the kid, not sure what to say anymore.
"why does that woman have to ruin my family?" emily covers her face with her palms. "i wouldn't want to meet her, ever!"
freen pats the kid again, not sure if she's making the right approach to the situation. "emily, baby, i have to tell you something..."
emily pulls her hands away and looks at freen.
"remember when you asked your mom before about her first love?" asks freen. emily nods. "like your mom, i had it too when i was in the university."
the kid looks at her expectantly, waiting for her to continue her story. freen felt her heart tightening as she's sure there is no good outcome after this.
but the kid needs to know. she deserves to know.
"that girl and i were together for years," freen continues. "but just like your mom said on what usually happens with first loves, things happened between us. we broke up."
"why?"
"well, first of all, i thought she wasn't happy with me anymore since i was always away because of my work in AEF. and then i found out she met a guy who's always there for her when i'm not around."
"she cheated on you?"
"no, baby. no." she strokes the kid's hair. "but they had a strong connection so i thought it's better to let her be happy in someone else's arms instead."
this time emily didn't speak, but she's listening eagerly.
freen fills her lungs with air, hoping it'll build up her courage too. "i wasn't able to forget about her, you know. i've tried getting into other relationships but no one can really replace her. and then, one day, due to some circumstances, we met again after so many years. i was happy because i found out she still feels the same way for me."
emily thinks for a moment. "are you two back together now?"
freen shakes her head. "i don't know. things are complicated between us."
"why?"
"remember the guy who was there for my ex when i wasn't around? she married that man and they had a kid together." she pauses and looks at emily. "a very beautiful daughter."
emily's mouth opens, and she looks like it's starting to make sense to her now.
"she's a bright, bubbly, and charming little princess." freen looks away, smiling. "she says she wants me to be a part of her family. i'm not sure if that's still the case now."
emily narrows her eyes as a new set of tears forms.
"do you want to know what's the kid's name?" freen asks emily.
emily shakes her head. "no... no..."
"baby, i..." freen wants to touch emily, but she couldn't, afraid it'll break the kid. "i'm sorry..."
"i hate you!" emily cries out. "i hate you! i hate you!"
freen presses her lips together as her tears finally rolled down her cheeks. she hugs emily to her chest, hoping to calm the kid down. emily pounds her closed fists to resist, but freen keeps hugging her closer.
"i'm sorry, baby. i'm really sorry." she hugs the kid tighter. "i never planned for this to happen. i'm sorry..."
"i hate you... i hate you..." emily continues, her voice muffled. she lets out a long wail of agony and defeat.
freen keeps hugging the kid in her arms, wondering when this rain would stop.