We're not us anymore
But there's still one thing we're good for
I'll give you one last night
So make it twisted
Give you one last shot, go on and hit it
Give you one last time to make me miss it
Baby, love me apocalyptic
Apocalyptic – Halestorm
(https://open.spotify.com/track/4DveRhd1VBtZyPodE3sbLj?si=ac5afc2d138f4484)
By the time we make it into my designated parking space at our apartment building, I'm throbbing in the best way. Maya will be able to take me in any position, against any surface without the need for any added lubrication. I watch her take her jacket off as she runs around the front of the car to open my door for me. She helps me out, obscuring my nakedness from any camera or fellow tenants before wrapping her jacket around my waist to cover up my ruined pants. "I was wearing these trousers when we met, bambina. I can't believe you ripped them to get your way with me."
The blush that overtakes her face, makes the throbbing between my legs amplify and my steps falter because of it. My uncharacteristically attentive wife easily sweeps me into her arms and carries me all the way to our apartment, only stopping a few times to return my desperate kisses. "Wait here. Don't move." I fall back against the wall, doing exactly as instructed, which is well worth it when Maya walks out of our bedroom in nothing but a sports bra and a strap-on jutting from her hips, bouncing up and down with each step.
She doesn't give me the time to react to the pleasant surprise, instead lifting me up against the wall until my legs wrap around her. "Are you wet enough?" I can see the small bottle of lube tucked into the strap but nod my head because the result of her teasing should suffice. Now in this particular pleasure we haven't indulged in since long before I got approved for a green card. The anticipation makes my mouth run dry. Without another word she gently slips the phallus into me, allowing me to adjust to the intrusion I haven't felt in months. "Cazzo, Maya. Just stay like that for a moment."
I wrap my arms around her neck, watching her as she looks down in wonder at the toy disappearing into my sex before she pulls it back, only to slide it achingly slowly back into me. "Oh, wow, Carina. That's just-" She lifts her head to look into my eyes. "Incredible." The unbridled desire staring back at me seduces me into moving my hips, groaning at the exquisite friction it creates. The small sound is all the permission Maya needs to start thrusting her hips, fucking me deep and hard. "My god, bella. Slow down. Please, bambina. Slow, slow, slow."
I'm holding on for dear life as Maya's movements become erratic, and she pumps into me like a woman possessed. At first, I'm flattered and not at all surprised at her loss of control, but then she claws at my body like she's reaching out for something while hiding her face in the crook of my neck. The way she holds me, the desperation in her kisses and the unrelenting thrusts into me, all make me believe that she's trying to escape something and she's using me to do it. And as dirty as that makes me feel, I'm so deprived of any semblance of love that I can't stop either of us from seeking salvation within each other.
"Ah! Fuck, Carina! Fuck! It's been too long. It feels too good inside of you. God, I love you so much." She rams into me, again and again, clearly overwhelmed by whatever she's experiencing. "Shh, bambina. Slow down. We have the whole day." I try to calm her down with kisses against her neck and shoulder, but her possessive grip on my hips and eager thrusts are slowly sending me to cloud nine too. "Oh, shit. Fuck. Love." Maya's hips momentarily still as her orgasm slams into her and I can feel her breathing change against my chest.
I'm on the precipice of begging her to start moving again, when she somehow reads my mind by gyrating her hips. A few whimpers leave her mouth as her sensitive flesh rubs against the base of the dildo as she slams it into me. "Ah, Maya! Yes. Slow and hard, bambina." She throws my legs over her arms, sliding me down against the wall, so I can feel the perfect angle of her movements. The sound of naked flesh slapping against each other, echoes around our apartment, only getting drowned out by my own moan as my orgasm takes flight. "Oi, Maya! Cazzo!"
I violently get ripped from the erotic memory by my phone ringing with a request for a video call from the object of my desire. "Hey, love. I've been texting and-" Her gorgeous face lights up my screen as I turn myself in my chair. "Carina Deluca. Are you masturbating? At work?" Her naughty smirk stretches from one cheek to the other, and I can feel myself blush from getting caught while reliving a vivid memory of us. "No! No, I'm just..." I look down when I feel my hand in my scrub pants and widen my eyes in shock.
"I did not mean to do that." I tilt my phone so Maya can see where my hand is. "Fuck, that's hot. I was only hoping to jog your memory about your license, but I'm glad the events that followed got you all hot and needy." She brings her phone closer to her, licking her lips before I bring the camera back to my own face. "No. Show me." I already pulled my hand out of the waistband of my pants. "We're extremely busy today, bambina. Anyone can barge in here." I pull a tissue from the box on my desk to wipe the moisture from my fingers.
"Come on, babe. Just turn your chair around and make yourself come while I watch. I'll warn you if someone knocks on your door." My wife's toothy grin just makes the memory so much harder to digest. Seeing how light and warm Maya is now, only clarifies how low and broken she was then. "I don't really want to touch myself with that particular memory swimming around my head, Maya." Her smile quickly falls from her face, and I want to kick myself for saying anything. "Oh, uhm. I'm sorry, Carina. I don't know what to say to that or how to react properly. I don't know what to do when our past brings you down."
Her whole playful demeanor from a minute ago, vanishes. The look on her face reminds me of the one she had painted on when she pulled out of me after fucking me against the wall. I know now that she's reprimanding herself in her head, but I didn't understand her back then. She sat me back down on the floor with such care, before she rebuilt her walls around herself. It felt like we were lightyears apart as she unclipped her strap-on and disappeared back into our room. I have never felt so used, dirty and humiliated before in my life.
When I asked her where she thought she was running off to, she just apologized before stumbling out the front door. I took a boiling shower to wash the shame from my body before curling into bed, sobbing my broken heart out. If we didn't even have sex to link us anymore, then there just wasn't any hope to hold onto. I felt like I had lost her and there was nothing I could do about it. I even convinced myself that I heard her come home, but when I called out her name, I was only met with a deafening silence like every time before.
After I managed to pull myself together, I got up and went to work an extra shift at the hospital. If I hadn't kept my mind busy, thoughts of my brother and father would have drove me up the walls. I needed to talk to Maya, but she wasn't home when I got back during the late hours of the night. She only slyly crawled into bed in the early hours of the morning, freshly showered and exhausted. I had the fleeting thought that she cheated on me again, but then I saw the state her ankle was in, and I knew she was just punishing herself for blackmailing Ross and Sullivan, which set her career back another few years.
That morning when she could barely get out of bed, only to announce that she was going for another run, made me explode. Short of physically slapping some sense into her, I chose to give her a dose of reality instead. I told her that I took a pregnancy test without her and that the result was negative, hoping she'll stay and comfort me. But no, she had to make it all about her, which led to another huge fight. It was clear that I was the only one invested in starting a family and that Maya wouldn't be present in our marriage until she got her captaincy back.
But looking back on it now, it actually makes sense as to why she ran so much that she ended up in the hospital that same night. She was working herself to the bone because she still meant something as a firefighter. Her entire life was thrown into chaos, but if she could just manage to push past the pain, hold on for a little while longer, save one more life, she'd be valuable again. And then she got pulled from the scene and all of the sudden, her only salvation got ripped from her reach. So, she turned to the only thing she had left. Running.
She was failing at everything. I've been telling her for months that there's something wrong with her and that I didn't want a family with her if she didn't improve. I even reverted back to my old self by only seeking the physical aspect of our relationship by telling her to hurry up when she wanted to take her time with me. I accused her of not behaving like a loving wife should, when she was clearly punishing herself for her own failure in getting me pregnant. Her team and co-workers were looking down on her for blackmailing Ross. Her work environment had become miserable except when she was attending to a call.
All the progress she's made to shed the effects her dad had on her as a child, started building up again because nothing else worked to tune the voices out. I used to be her safe space, but she had to be overly cautious around me too because every time she tried reaching out, it turned into a fight. The only thing she still had that was ours, some hope to hold onto, to assure her that I wasn't leaving, was the small possibility that our last insemination worked. But then I told her that I took the pregnancy test on my own and got mad at her for how she reacted to the news.
While I was mourning my last chance to be a mom, her demons were wreaking havoc on her mind. In her head she was one mistake away from losing me forever and as much as she wanted to hold onto me, she knew that she'd just keep hurting me. So, she ignored my pleas to get her ankle checked out, opting to rather put more stress on the injury to tire herself out. Because if we weren't talking, then she wasn't causing me any more pain and we stayed stuck in this limbo. She was spinning out of control, so she kept running because if she stopped, reality would set in.
When she asked for me in the hospital, I thought it was because she wanted me to get her discharged. But now I know that she was completely trapped in her mind, and she needed me to be her safe place. When she kept apologizing when I entered her room, I thought it was because she got caught going down a path I warned her about. But in reality, she was sorry for making me worry. For hurting me again. For putting someone else I love in the hospital where my brother died. For not being who I deserved.
She was adamant to get back to work because being trapped in the same building as me and her clouds, terrified her. She was forced to stop running and now all her mistakes were crowding around her hospital bed like ghosts stuffing out the only light she was trying to hold onto. That's why she snapped at me when I told her she needed help. My voice of reason, the voice she searched for to escape her clouds, were now swarming around all the other voices putting her down and reprimanding her for her weaknesses.
I have no doubt that she regretted it as soon as she raised her voice, and like she said, then she made a futile attempt to protect me from how broken she realized she truly was. Her fear was controlling her, and I was threatening her with psych holds and restraints. Her clouds were eclipsing her mind, and she used the last ace up her sleeve to escape their cruelness. But when I reacted exactly as her demons told her I would, she finally realized that she was left on the battlefield alone with them and she knew she wasn't strong enough to keep fighting.
When Teddy told me how unresponsive and catatonic Maya was when she performed her checkups during her 72-hour hold, I assumed it was because of a mixture of her sedation, strained heart and angry betrayal. But now I understand that she was trapped inside her mind, the most dangerous place for Maya to be. I don't even want to imagine what she made herself believe as the voices chipped away at everything that made her, her. She was angry and determined when she lost her job, but I should have realized that everything she put herself through wasn't to get back on top. Because she only shut down after losing me.
She kept pushing, begging and demanding to go back to work, back to her team because she didn't care if she snapped at them. But to risk snapping at me, letting me see how unsavable she was, allowing me a glimpse into her mind, was just too much deal with. Unfortunately, her fears were warranted because when she snapped at me from her hospital bed, it did make me rethink our relationship. Paired with the disturbing visual Jack planted in my head of a dead Maya next to a treadmill, made me relive the horrible moments with my dad and brother.
I just couldn't do it again. I couldn't watch someone else I love spiral out of control after giving them the choice to ask for help. So, I did what I wished I had done earlier for my brother and for my father. I took control and forced her to slow down. I knew it was going to put a lot of strain on our marriage, but I never imagined she'd threaten the life we built. We promised each other forever. Through the good and the bad, so having been given an ultimatum, was what finally made me snap too. And yet, she kept denying that she needed help when she literally had the contradictory evidence around her.
Clearly her job was the only thing she cared about, and I was just a roadblock in her way of what she really wanted. I was not her priority, I wasn't pregnant, and she wouldn't have hurt me like that if she truly loved me, so why should I have stayed? I knew her well enough to know that she'd have instant regret and would eventually come crawling back, begging for forgiveness, like every time before. But I had to look out for myself too, because sorry doesn't change anything and we'd be back exactly where we were before the apology. I had to decide if it was fair to me to keep hurting myself just because I loved her.
If I went back into her room when she asked and accepted her apology, how much time would I have actually bought her? The voices and clouds would have still been there, encouraging her to kill herself every time she hurt me. Or would she have abandoned me without an explanation in her desperate attempt to save me from herself? Or would she have finally accepted help before turning into her dad? Because if she kept living with the mentality that got her admitted to begin with, there is no doubt in my mind that she would have turned even more sadistic and mean to punish me for loving her.
And yet, what if I didn't leave? What if I stayed and we fought it out until she became so weak that she'd finally let her walls fall and let me see past the broken shell of the woman I fell in love with? Would I have been able to provide the necessary support she would have needed to deal with her past? She had a point though. She knew exactly what I needed after Andrea died because she knew everything about me. She only ever allowed me to see the surface with her and I don't think anyone would have been able to save her if she didn't hit rock bottom.
When Andrea died and Maya's presence became too soft, I still needed her to survive. But Maya is different. She isolates herself and prefers to deal with everything alone. So, when she told me what she needed to cope with her anger and rejection in a way that helped her, I shouldn't have taken offense. But after months of being ignored and forgotten, I took control without ever stopping to think about the consequences of my actions. I mean sure, as perfect as our relationship is now, I still can't help feeling like she's keeping things from me.
Well, no. Not really being secretive as much as changing herself to become what she believes I need, instead of becoming the person she was always meant to be. Which is why she hasn't given my ring back to me yet, because she doesn't feel like she's done enough to be worthy of being my wife. Actually, come to think of it, I took my ring off right after our fight when I told her about the pregnancy test, and I never took it out of the bedside drawer again because I believed that our marriage was over. Holy shit. Maya said my ring is still exactly where I left it, and I never went into our room when I ransacked her apartment because the door was still locked.
"Can we just please pretend that I didn't bring this crap up. I'm really sorry, Carina. Call me back when you-" Maya's voice is thick with shame, and I hate my inability to hide my feelings as well as she can. "I guess I'll see you at home. I mean the...My apartment. Or not." She's anxiously scratching the back of her head while looking like a trapped animal. I have to fix this right now before I flush all the progress she's made, down the drain. "Bambina, calm down. I'm sorry too. I just momentarily forgot how hard our past was with how great our present has been. What did you want to talk about?"
She looks down at something hidden away from her camera, biting her lip hard. "It's nothing, love. I just wanted to hear your voice. I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll let you get back to work." Dio, if I can clone myself to kick my own ass, I would. "Maya. Please. I've missed you too. Especially that sexy smile of yours." She rewards me with a smile, but it's strained. "You said you're busy. I don't want to intrude." I rest my chin on my palm, while resting my elbow on my desk. "What do you need my driver's license for, bella?" I can see how badly she wants to hang up but we just both need to try and forget about the last few minutes together.
If we can just fall back into us, then we'll be okay. I can hear her rustling with something off camera and it's only then that I see how dark her surroundings are. "Where are you calling from, bambina?" She turns around to show me the numerous helmets, turnout jackets and other gear behind her. "Ross has been a pain in my ass with this bomb thing since we started investigating it together. I decided to hide in the supply room and thought it would be a good time to share my surprise with you." I smile at how sweet and sincere she sounds.
"What surprise?" Her smile falters a little and she looks behind her like her clouds will catch up to her at any second. "It was a stupid idea. I'll just tell you after shift, okay?" I reach out to trace the outline of her face on my phone's screen, wishing I can banish her demons for good. "Please, Maya. I'm intrigued. You can't dangle the carrot in front of the donkey like that and then stay quiet." I misuse the idiom deliberately, knowing it will break the ice and make her smile. "Did you just refer to yourself as an ass, Carina?" Mission accomplished.
Maya snorts on her laugh and a genuine smile spread across her face again. "I'm dying of anticipation, Maya. Please tell me!" She rolls her eyes and my heart swoons. "I got a new uniform today. Do you see anything different on it? We've both been waiting for this for too many years now." She tilts her phone down so I can see her crisp and clean navy shirt. My eyes immediately look for the pins on her collar, which are still just one silver stripe. "No promotion, I'm afraid but you're getting hot." I look at the badge above her breast pocket and it still says Lieutenant, not LIC like I was hoping for.
"Did you see it?" I shake my head and smile when she rolls her eyes dramatically while calling me obsessed with her boobs. "Can you blame me? You in uniform is like my kryptonite. I don't see anything besides us fucking when you look at me like that, looking as good as you do in your navy blues." She shakes her head, trying to mask the deep crimson blush creeping up her cheeks. It's astonishing how shy she can get with sex talk outside of the bedroom, when she's the one whispering dirty things into my ear while fucking me like relentlessly.
"Maybe this will help." Maya places her phone on an empty part of the shelf, making it so I can only hear her moving around, not see her. After a few seconds, her beautiful face pops up again and this time I can see her wearing her turnout jacket. "Let me just..." She twists herself around, flipping the camera to show me the back. It takes me a minute to decipher the letters since she has the camera upside down and it's coming through as a mirror image on my phone. When the name on the bottom of her turnouts finally clicks, I scream loudly.
"Maya! No way! Show me your uniform shirt again. Now. Now. Now." She holds the phone in her hand while letting the turnout jacket slip from her muscular frame. "So bossy, I love it. Do you see it now?" I stick my tongue out at her, not appreciating the sarcasm in her voice. I wait for the camera to focus on her name on the front of her uniform, and as sure as my love for her. There it is. Lt. D-Bishop. "The full hyphen was too long for the uniform badge, so I had Andy order three shirts like these and three that says, Deluca-B. The turnouts came out great, though."
I'm actually welling up when I ask her to send me a picture of the back of her turnout jacket, immediately setting it as my lock screensaver. The yellow letters of DELUCA-BISHOP still vivid against the new material. "I was informed that I'd still be Bishop at work since that's how everyone knows me. But I thought you'd might appreciate having your claim on me here too." I squeal loudly as I keep staring at the D in front of her name above her breast pocket. "Do you still carry that picture of me around close to your heart?" If she's surprised, she plays it off very well.
She flips open her pocket, taking the small photo out to show it to me. This time I'm speechless because it's not the same photo I found in there when we were still separated or the Polaroid I took the night of the LIC exams. "When exactly did you take this?" I'm half naked on a couch, my hand tucked underneath the pillow my head is resting on. The blanket is barely covering my breasts and the underside of my ass is peeking out. My chest is flushed, and I have a glow to my skin, that I wasn't aware I'm capable of. "I may have taken a secret photo after rocking your world the night before the LIC exam..."
She steals my breath when she caresses her thumb lovingly over the photo before tucking it back into her pocket like it's her most treasured possession. "That was a goo-" And just like I knew would happen, my door bursts open again, and a nurse tells me my patient is in active labor. "I've got to go, bella." She blows me a kiss but groans when the alarm in the firehouse goes off as well. "I'll see you after work, babe. I love you." I tell her I love her too and end the call while running to the delivery room. "Well, well, well, mama. I heard you finally reached ten centimeters. Are you ready to push?"