"You're just saying that, Noah. You didn't choose me, you flew across the country to try to win her back. I'm not going to be some consolation prize," I pull away from his grasp.
"That's not- Delaney, that's not true," he retorts, stalking closer to me, but I hold my hands up.
"I'm going inside," I say turning away from him, "I don't love you, Noah."
My heart breaks into a million tiny pieces, so many tiny pieces that I will never be able to put all of the pieces back together. Yesterday was a mistake, coming here for Christmas was a mistake. I spent the last five years carefully avoiding him, because I knew this was going to happen. I may have said the words, the ones that would push Noah away hard enough that he would never come back, but it just wasn't the right time. Everything was too messy. I had just slept with his best friend and he had a girlfriend 24 hours ago.
I don't turn back to look at him, I can't. I don't want to see what my words did to him, because if I look at him I will take them back. I open and close the door softly, and everyone turns their attention to me. I can tell by the looks on everyone's faces that they heard us arguing.
"I think I'm going to get an Uber," I should just strike out being friends with these people. I had colossally fucked up without even meaning to.
"You don't have to go," Sage says, turning to the door opening again, "Noah should go for being such a dick."
"This is my house too, I'm allowed to be here," he argues. Everyone in the room is volleying back and forth from Sage to Noah to me. "I'll just make myself scarce since I'm such an asshole." He stomps up the stairs, everyone watching him go.
"Don't go," Nick says, breaking the silence. I nod and take my place at the table again.
The game resumes as if nothing happened. The guys and Sage are back to joking and being loud. While I beat everyone at every round, because I have no chill.
"How have you won every round?"
"If you're not first, Davis, you're last," I reply, finishing the last of my beer and leaning back in my chair.
"Did you just quote Talladega Nights to me?"
"Yes, yes I did," I laugh.
It's getting late, some of the guys have left and some have gotten comfortable on the couches. Sage and Jolly announce they're going to bed. The couches are taken and I'm not sure where I'm going to stay. I try to fight back a yawn, but I can't stop it.
"Do you want to go to bed?" Nick asks lowly, and my stomach flip flops.
"Yes," I tell him, yawning again. He grins and leads me down the hall to his room. "Do you think I could borrow something to sleep in?" I ask as soon as the door shuts behind us.
Nick rummages through a drawer and hands me a t-shirt. He kisses me, and I kiss him back. It feels good to get lost in my feelings for Nick, I want to push the altercation with Noah as far down as I can. Nick's fingers start sliding under my clothes and I pull back.
"What's wrong?"
"The other night when we slept together I was wholly into it, and tonight I'm-"
"Conflicted?" He guesses.
"Conflicted isn't the right word, the fight with Noah just has my head elsewhere," I say truthfully.
"I'm really good at cuddling," Nick grins as he let's me take his shirt. He turns his back to me and begins stripping down to his boxers. He doesn't turn around while I peel off my own clothes and he only looks at me once I climb in his bed.
Nick lays on his back and I lay my head on his chest. The steady thump-thump-thump so different from Noah's wild heartbeat earlier. I have to fight to keep unwarranted tears at bay. Him throwing the L word at me after he actively didn't choose me broke something inside of me. Something that didn't break when I lost him the first time. Something I don't think I'll ever get back.
"I hope Noah doesn't dissuade you from moving here," Nick says softly, running his fingers through my hair.
"Noah doesn't control my decisions, as much as he would like to," I reply, irritated, I didn't want to talk about Noah.
"So, is there something there, still?" Nick asks hesitantly. I don't blame him for wanting to know, I do blame him from bringing this up right now.
"I loved him once," I start, "I might still. It doesn't change the timing."
"What about me?" He asks, a hint of a joke in his voice.
"It's a little early for love," I grin, "but I like you."
"So, you're saying there's a chance?"
"Definitely a chance," I mumble, my voice heavy with sleep. I feel Nick's lips on my head before sleep pulls me under.
When I wake, my bladder is about to bust. I sneak out of Nick's bed and out of his hold to go to the bathroom. The guys in the living room are gone, but no one seems to be up and moving. I grab a bottle of water and take long drinks. I rummage around a little, finding coffee and some things to make breakfast. I put the coffee on first and start cracking eggs. I don't know exactly how many people are still here so I make the whole pack, toast, bacon. And then I place an Instacart order to refill the items in case they were meant for a special occasion. I'm pouring myself a cup of coffee when I hear someone shuffle in behind me.
I turn to find Noah standing in the entrance to the kitchen, his eyes darken when his eyes land on my legs, but they turn to rage when he sees that I'm wearing Nick's shirt.
"Why don't you make yourself at home?" Noah says sarcastically, pouring his own cup of coffee.
Without thinking I grab a handful of eggs and throw them at his face. Some of the chunks land there, some stick to the wall behind him. He looks at me incredulously, while one of the egg pieces slides off his face and lands in his coffee.
"What the fuck, Delaney?"
"This is why we can't be friends, you're unreasonable," I retort, moving passed him to clean the eggs off the wall, because I'm not a monster. "I made breakfast, you're welcome."
Nick appears around the corner a second later, his eyes bounce between us before moving over to me and kissing my cheek. My eyes close involuntarily, and when I open them Noah's face is red with anger, a vein is protruding from his forehead and I'm worried he might explode.
"Thanks for breakfast," Nick says, ignoring Noah's rage. "Noah, why are you wearing the eggs?"
"Everyone's new BFF is a psychopath," Noah replies, not taking his eyes off of me. Nick chuckles as he makes two plates, I don't realize one is for me until he looks at me pointedly and I quickly sit by him.
"What are you doing today?" Nick asks, resting his hand on my knee. I don't know if he's trying to make Noah mad, or if he just doesn't care.
"Recovering," I groan, gingerly eating the toast. "I don't have anything planned until New Years."
I can still see Noah watching us out of the corner of my eye, the doorbell rings and Noah goes to answer it.
"Did you order Instacart?" he asks me, holding up a bag.
"Yeah, to replace the groceries I used," I roll my eyes at him. Noah's lips press into a straight line as he goes to put the food away. He takes his coffee mug and disappears upstairs.
"What was that about?"
"He made a comment about me making myself at home and I threw eggs at his face," I huff and hand Nick my plate. He takes our dishes to the kitchen and washes them.
"Did someone make breakfast?" Sage calls from the stairs, Jolly trails after her. Nick and I don't answer her because it's obvious there's breakfast.
Sage glances at Nick's T-shirt and her eyebrows raise a fraction. I'm regretting not putting on clothes before coming out, but I had only planned to go to the bathroom originally.
"We should all do something today, something stupid and touristy," Sage says.
"Can it be chill? I'm so hungover," I groan and lean into Nick's shoulder.
"Let's go to Griffith Park, nothing is more touristy than that," Nick suggests and Sage nods in agreement.
Sage and Jolly finish their breakfast and I excuse myself to go freshen up. I didn't really bring anything nice, so I pulled my leggings on under Nick's t-shirt and put on last night's discarded bra and hoped I would be warm enough. I brushed my teeth and put on mascara before pulling my hair up into a messy bun.
When I come out of the bathroom, Nick is coming out of his room, dressed and ready. I'm surprised to see Jesse and Jolly and Noah chatting in the living room. I'm afraid Noah is going to come with us. I'm afraid he won't.
Maybe this two week vacation is all the time I have left with him, the thought breaks my heart into even tinier pieces. He turns to find Nick and I walking out together, me still in his friend's shirt, his face stays even but I see in his eyes he's heartbroken like I am. He barely looks at us before turning back to Jesse who is talking.
Nick and I ride together while the other four pile into Jolly's car, he seems like he doesn't notice the tension. And I realize now that I could never be anything with Nick. Noah would always be around and I would always wonder what we could have been. And maybe my heart has more pieces to break because I don't want to hurt anyone else this week.
It doesn't take long to get to the park, it's not crowded because it's a little cool outside and Nick continues up the winding road. We all pile out and they all seem like they know where they're going, so I fall into line beside Sage.
"You ok?" she asks as we fall farther back from the group.
I force a smile, "Yeah, I'm good."
"You are a shit liar," she grins, but doesn't press me. "Where do you fall on the move to LA spectrum?"
"I don't know, it seems like there's a lot of drama here," I pause, "I think it might just be my fault though. I think," I start, looking up at the clouds in the sky for the words I want to say, "this is the most alive I've felt in years."
"Is it because of the city or Noah?" she asks.
I don't answer for a long time. Of course the answer was Noah, it always was. It always would be, I fear. The city was to blame as well though, forcing me to face a problem that I had been trying to ignore the last five years. "Both," I say finally.
"Don't get too comfortable, just wait until summer when it's 100 plus degrees all the time," she grins, changing the subject. I laugh at her.
"I love warm weather, and I hate the rain. I think I will like the weather just fine," I reply.
"Maybe one day this week the two of us can go check out neighborhoods," she suggests.
"I would really like that," I tell her as we reach the end of the trail.
We can see all the way to downtown LA from up here, the tip of the Hollywood sign sticks up from below us. I sit down on the ground, taking in the scenery. I glance at Noah who is talking to Nick, he's also looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
Could I live here in the same city as Noah and ignore him? Could I hang out with his friends and not miss him? Could I get over him and how he wanted someone else so much he got on a plane to beg her to stay? He had never fought for me like he had fought for her.
Was I ever going to be able to have a single thought that didn't involve him?
The six of us made our way back to the parking lot, everyone trying to discuss dinner plans. I smiled to myself, I was going to have to push down my feelings for Noah. I didn't want to give these new friends up. Watching them bicker back and forth over where to go made me miss Finn. We didn't hang out as much as we used to because he has a family now, but I worried what moving would do to our friendship.
I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and I smile as I answer it, "I was just thinking about you."
"Is that Finn?" Noah interrupts my phone call and dinner discussions.
"Is that Noah?" Finn asks in turn as I say yes to both of them, "Oh shit."
"You have no idea, best friend," I tell him turning my back on the group and walking off a little. "Now isn't a great time, but it's good to hear your voice. Can I call you back later?"
"You better call me later, I can't wait to hear all about your reunion," Finn replies and I can hear the smile in his voice.
When I join the group again, they have decided on dinner. We get into the cars again and pull up to a bar with outdoor seating. Most people are sitting inside, but it's warm enough that we get a table outside. I sit in between Jesse and Sage because I don't want to deal with Nick or Noah.
I scan the menu without seeing it. I let the conversation go on around me without contributing. I only look up when the waitress flirts with Noah. I have to resist the urge to kick him, and I know it makes me a hypocrite. I never claimed to be perfect.
Noah doesn't actually seem to get that she's flirting, barely looking at her as he places his order. When he puts his menu down he looks at me, catching me seething over the exchange. His lips quirk up into a half grin. He was always so self assured, and I remember all of the parts that made it so easy to hate him. To love him.
I catch movement out of the corner of my eye, it's Nick, he's watching the exchange. He doesn't look mad or accusatory or anything at all. He's just observing. I need to tell him we should just be friends. I don't want to string him along. I like him, but pretending like I didn't still have feelings for Noah wasn't fair to him. He grins at me, and I return it.
Nick and I walk out to his car when we are done eating, I regret not having my things with me and can just go back to my hotel from here, but I have to go back to the house. I wanted to just be alone in the worst way.
The ride is quiet, Nick singing softly with the radio and I think he also has a nice voice. I follow him into the house and down the hall to grab my stuff. Nick closes the door behind us.
"I think we should just be friends," he says evenly, I hate that I feel relieved that he said that.
"Are you breaking up with me?" Nick lets out a surprise laugh.
"I think there's still something between you and Noah and I don't want to get in the way," he replies seriously.
"I'm sorry, Nick."
"Don't be," he pulls me into a hug and kisses the top of my head.
"Think I could still get a ride back to my hotel?" I ask, looking up at him.
"I think I can swing that," he grins, hooking his arm around my shoulders.
When Nick and I reach the living room, laughing, Noah is waiting for us. His jaw ticks as he looks at the two of us. Nick slides his arm off my shoulder and walks away a little.
"Goodbye, Noah," I whisper. I don't think this is the last I've seen of him, but I don't have anything else planned.
"Can I drive you back to your hotel?"
I look over my shoulder at Nick and he grins and gives me two thumbs up.
"Yeah."