What I never told you
… Have you ever felt like dying because of a sentence?
That's how Sun felt when Ongsa said 'let's finish', with a neutral expression, as if he was talking about general matters, ordinary things. It was enough to make Sun feel like the sky was falling before her. Sun mustered all her strength to pull away, but the pain followed her.
“Sun, are you okay?” Deer asks worriedly. When Sun came to them in tears yesterday, it took her a while to calm her down and get an explanation. Since then, they haven't seen Sun smile even once.
“I wonder why she did that. Why does she care so much about others? It’s like she cares about everyone in the world except me.” Sun vents.
“I don’t want to rub salt in the wound. But I asked if you were sure you wanted to date her. You are two girls. It's hard to be in a relationship. I think Ongsa couldn’t handle the pressure any longer.” Vee says.
Again, Sun is reminded that 'they're both girls.'
“Just because we’re two girls doesn’t mean it’s love?” Sun says it like she wants to blame the world, not asking her friends.
“Love is love, but you need to understand that your love is not accepted by everyone. And sometimes, love is not enough.” Kongkwan highlights. To be honest, deep down, Kongkwan understands Ongsa's actions. Being in a relationship under the eyes and disapproval of other people is not an ideal situation, especially for an isolated person like Ongsa. We deal with pressure in different ways. If she were Ongsa, she wouldn't even have the courage to date Sun.
Sometimes Sun feels like a complete idiot. If she hadn't been trying to reconnect with Ongsa that day and let her disappear as she wanted, she wouldn't be hurt like this now. Sun is left alone again with lots of questions. The cruel person left her in unexplainable pain.
Didn't you promise you wouldn't disappear again? Why did you break your promise?
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Sun said Ongsa never tried to keep their love. Ongsa indeed failed, but that doesn't mean she didn't 'try'.
A week ago, after Ongsa's mother found out that she was dating a girl and told her to break up with Sun, she didn't have the courage to do it. Ongsa couldn't imagine her life without Sun by her side. Her life was miserable enough up until now, keeping her distance from Sun for fear of being caught by her mother. Ongsa never wanted to break up with Sun. Not really.
“Did you break up with that girl, Ongsa?” Her mother greeted her like that for three days in a row instead of saying 'Hello'. Ongsa hadn't broken up with Sun. No. She can't do that, to be exact. She couldn't force herself to that point. Ongsa thought her mother would forget, like her other mistakes, if she didn't mention it and act normally.
But no… Ongsa was wrong.
"I…"
“It’s not over, right? Will I need to deal with this myself?”
"No mother."
“You never acted like this Ongsa. Don’t you listen to what I say anymore?”
“That’s not it, mom. I… I love her.” Ongsa decided to say.
“Ongsa, listen to me. You think it's love because you're still young. You don't know what love really is. When you grow up and mature, you will learn that love is more complicated. Having feelings for someone is not enough to stay together forever, Ongsa. You and this girl are not the only people in this world. There are so many things you will experience and encounter. There are so many people waiting for you. I don’t want your teenage mistake to ruin your future.”
“Even though I'm not an adult, I know what love is. It may not seem serious to you, but I need to tell you that I am absolutely serious about this. I don't know what the future holds. All I know now is that I love her. She is a good person. She makes me want to be a better person. I don't know why you're so disgusted just because she's a girl like me. Since when did we start judging others by their gender?”
“Ongsa!!”
“Honey, stop. Why do you need to make our daughter stop dating someone? They love each other. Why are you forcing her?” Her father couldn't help but butt in after watching them for a while.
“Don’t spoil her unreasonably. This is not a joke."
“I don't think it's a joke, but these things are up to her, right? We can only create them physically, darling. We should let her decide for herself when it comes to love.”
“I can’t let our daughter choose something wrong.”
“Why are you saying it’s wrong? You don’t even know the girl.”
“Spare me your words if it won’t help. Don’t ruin our daughter’s future.”
“You’re the one ruining her future. Can’t you see how negative she’s been these last few days?!” Ongsa's father gets angry with his wife for not listening to him.
“I don’t want her to be a stranger in the eyes of others.”
“In the eyes of others or in your own? If parents are disgusted with their own children, how do they expect others to accept them?”
“Don’t support her being abnormal!!”
“Why do you care so much about teenage love? We don’t know if they will finish or not.”
“I know they will. Why would they stay in a relationship to be spoken badly about by others?”
"You are selfish. You care about everyone but your daughter’s feelings!!”
“You have no right to tell me that. Don't talk like I don't love my daughter. Said I don't care about her feelings? And you?! Have you ever cared about my feelings?! How many times does this have to happen to me?!!”
Ongsa didn't expect it to go this far. Her parents had a big fight. For as long as she could remember, she had never seen them fight before. Her heart was filled with guilt to the point that she wanted to cry. She was the cause of all this. Ongsa needs to sort this out herself.
Ongsa loved Sun very much.
Ongsa would trade anything to keep their love.
Anything…except your family.
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Ongsa believed that ending the relationship would improve the situation in the family. It might seem like a stupid idea, but it was the only option she could think of. Even though she knew that this wouldn't return everything to normal, she wasn't brazen or selfish enough to continue dating Sun knowing that this was the cause of the fight between her parents.
After breaking up with Sun, Ongsa informs her mother that her relationship with Sun is over, hoping that her parents will stop fighting over it. But no… her father became angrier and her mother maintained her pride. Things got worse. His parents no longer sleep in the same room, and Ongsa is left without a soul. She barely eats. This is too much for a seventeen year old girl to handle. Her family is broken, and she's not over Sun. No matter what she does or where she goes, Sun is everywhere. Her story with Sun overwhelms her thoughts all the time. Ongsa locks herself in her room and reads their chat message history, the chat where she will never receive notifications again. The feeling of reading Sun's old messages is not the same feeling that Ongsa had when reading them for the first time, but still, they feel different for some reason. The texts that once made her smile now leave her in tears. They often cross paths at school. When Ongsa sees Sun, she realizes that her love has not diminished. It's like torture that Ongsa doesn't know when it will end.
Ongsa doesn't want to mourn to his friends. Tinh and Charoen are already worried enough.
Ongsa doesn't want to mourn on social media. Sun knows your Twitter account.
Ongsa doesn't want to do anything... and chooses to keep all this feeling inside.
Ongsa doesn't want her feelings to hurt anyone again.
… No more…
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Ongsa isn't the only one feeling terrible. Aor, her mother, also feels terrible about the current situation.
“Do you know why I called you here?” Aor looks at the person asking with an expressionless face, although she was surprised that this person suddenly wanted to meet her at the coffee shop.
“How will I know?” Aor sits on the couch opposite the person, giving them a 'get to the point' look.
“I know about your fight with Nop.”
"As?" Aor is relatively surprised. Although they are related, how did her sister, Aum, come to know about her family affairs?
“Bee called me and begged me to talk to you. Do you know how guilty she feels for telling her about Ongsa dating a girl and almost destroying her family? I heard Bing was upset with her too.”
Aor realizes that he made a big mistake by calling his best friend to consult her about her family, but she had no idea who to turn to at that time. Bee was the only one in mind, as she knew everything from the beginning.
“How could you help me?”
“Hey… Really? Are you going to leave your family in this state because your daughter is a lesbian?”
The word 'lesbian' sends shivers down a mother's heart. No!… Ongsa is a normal child. Ongsa is not gay.
“If you called me here to listen to your nonsense, I'm leaving. What a waste of time."
"Why? Can’t accept the fact that your daughter is a lesbian?”
“Ongsa is normal!!”
“I never said she isn’t. Being a lesbian is a preference. It has nothing to do with normality. Nobody thinks Ongsa is abnormal. You’re the only one thinking about your daughter like that.”
“How is love between two girls normal? How can girls love each other? It's just mental confusion. Ongsa is young. She does not understand. I don’t want her to damage her own life with that kind of thing.”
“Love is love, sister. Love is love regardless of gender or age. As parents, we must observe them from afar and not control them. You should let her decide what she wants in life.”
“I can’t stand by and do nothing and watch my daughter make a mistake.”
“How do you know your daughter’s decision is wrong?”
“How would two girls take care of each other?”
“Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself? This is teenage love. Also, what year is it? We are not in the era when Succotai was the capital. Women no longer need to stay at home with their husbands as heads of the family. I’ve seen several out there doing just fine without a man.”
“It’s still a relationship between girls. They are bound to end eventually. What a waste of time and feelings.”
“If she dates a boy, are you sure that what you’re worried about won’t happen?”
“What’s the point in being in a relationship that will eventually end?!”
“Of course… you’re right. We don't know how long teenagers this age will date, so you don't have to worry. If Ongsa was going to break up with that girl anyway, why did she force her now?”
“What if it lasted?”
“Then you should be happy that your daughter found someone who really loves her. For the record, wasn't Ongsa dating the girl for a long time? Has she changed during that time? Was she still her daughter? Did she do something shameful? Now, go home and see if her daughter is the same as before.”
Aor is put against the wall by her sister. Aum can argue with anything she says, but Aor won't accept it easily. She won't allow her daughter to date a girl no matter what.
“Don’t try to persuade me. I’m not like you, who can accept your daughter dating a girl.”
"Hey! Do not say that. I am not persuading you or encouraging my niece to date a girl. I'm talking about this because her daughter developed these feelings. You shouldn't control her. I didn't want Aom to like girls, but what could I do when that happened? Stand in front of her happiness? Is this something parents should do? I know you have an unpleasant memory about this, but that's you. And she is Ongsa. You cannot judge her by your own experience.”
“That's all you think! Do you think I'm doing this because of that? Yes! It's partially because of that. But won't you consider how a mother would feel seeing her daughter dating another girl? Ongsa is my daughter. I wish her the best and hope she finds a good person. How long does love between girls last? What will they do when they get old? Who will take care of them?”
“I see… I used to be like you. I couldn’t accept my own daughter dating a girl.” Aum composes herself and explains. “When I found out that Aom was in a relationship with another girl, I was lost, not knowing what to do. I know you're confused right now. I stayed too and asked myself daily what to do. But, you know what? I could finally find the answer. Think about it. When you were pregnant, you didn't know if your baby would be a boy or a girl. So why should you control it after they grow up? We are mothers. We just want them to be able to take care of themselves. We never expect them to take care of us when we grow old. Why do we expect our grandchildren to take care of our children? You are afraid that your daughter will not be happy in the future. Why don't you find out if Ongsa is happy now? I'm not saying this to you out of pity for my niece. I'm also saying this for your good. Forget the past and believe in the present before the past destroys your family. Think carefully about what is most important.”
His sister's words leave Aor silent. Although she doesn't want to admit it, Aum is right about everything she said.
Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
The cell phone on the table vibrates before Aor responds. She realizes it's a call from her eldest daughter.
“What is it, Alpha?”
[Mother… Ongsa…] Her uneven voice worries Aor.
“What happened to Ongsa, Alpha? What there was?"
[Mom… Ongsa is in the hospital. Come soon…]
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Aor drives to the hospital as fast as traffic allows and almost hits other cars several times, but nothing is more important to a mother than her daughter. Alpha said Ongsa mumbled about a pain in her stomach, then the pain became terrible and her father took her to the hospital. Fortunately, it didn't take long for Aor to get to the hospital because it wasn't that far from the cafeteria.
“Alpha.”
"Mother!"
“What happened to Ongsa, Alpha? What there was?"
"I don't know."
“Honey, what’s wrong with her?” Aor asks her husband, unable to get answers from her eldest daughter. Right now, Ongsa is more important than his pride.
“I don’t know either. The doctor is examining her. Relatives are not allowed.”
Then the emergency room door opens. A hospital team leaves with the stretcher where Ongsa is wrapped. A man in a white coat approaches.”
“Take her to the operating room and tell Dr. Krirk to be very careful with this case.” The doctor says to the nurse.
“Yes, Doctor.” The nurse follows orders and tells the team to transfer Ongsa out of the room.
The doctor turns to Ongsa's family. They all have the same question in mind.
“Please follow me… Only parents.” The doctor says and takes them somewhere. Nop and Aor quickly follow him and stop in front of a room, probably his office.
“Sit down.” The owner of the room invites them to the sofa opposite him. When they sit down, the doctor speaks to Aor.
“Were you shocked that it was me? It's actually not my turn. Nop called me, so I examined her instead of the doctor on duty.”
“What’s wrong with Ongsa, Dr. Vich.” Aor admits that she was shocked to see this doctor, but what she wants to know is not why he examined Ongsa. She wants to know what her daughter's illness is.
“I need you two to get ready and listen to me carefully.”
“…”
“If I told you that Ongsa didn’t have long to live, what would you do?”
… It’s like lightning hitting a parent’s heart…
“What do you mean, Vich? What’s wrong with my daughter?!”
“What happened to her, Dr. Vich? You need to help her.”
The doctor smiles slightly at the parents' reaction. It's no different than expected.
“I would like to be like a doctor from TV shows, but I'm not good at acting. Ongsa has appendicitis and needs surgery. I assigned a more qualified doctor to operate on her. Will not be long. About an hour.”
“Why did you mention death?” Nop growls. His daughter's life is no joke.
“If she had been sent here a little later, it wouldn’t have been a laughing matter, Nop.”
Dr. Vich looks at Nop and Aor several times with unreadable eyes.
“I just said that to remind you of what’s important.”
“…”
“When you consulted me over the phone about your family problems, I planned to meet with you, Mrs. Aor. Although, I never thought it would be in this situation.”
“What are you trying to say?” Aor asks. She is hurt that her husband told someone else about her problems, but she wants to know more about what Dr. Vich means.
“Go back to the moment you thought you might lose your daughter. At that moment, was it important that your daughter was dating a girl? Would you continue fighting in front of her? What is more important? Don’t neglect it.”
They are hit with the truth. Dr. Vich gets it right to the point of making the couple turn towards each other.
“Mrs. Aor… Can I call you Aor? Please allow me to call you that even though I'm not close. I know this is eating you alive, but I think it's time to know the whole truth today. Yes, Nop and I were in a relationship and our families forced us to break it off.”
Aor sits silently, as she didn't expect Dr. Vich to bring this up. Nop also stares at Dr. Vich in perplexity, but when she sees the seriousness in his eyes, she lets him continue.
“I was sent to study at a school abroad and I found out that Nop was getting married when I returned. In fact, I found out before I got back that your families arranged for you to meet. The whole time you were dating and getting married, I was hoping it would be against Nop's wishes. You know, when I returned to him on his wedding day, I discovered that the reflection in his eyes was no longer me but his bride. I should have known from the beginning that no one could force Nop to do something easily. Otherwise, my family wouldn't have sent me so far away to separate us. I know you've always been skeptical about this, but don't worry. Nop married you for love. I'm just his past. You may see homosexual people, tomboys, trans people, gays and lesbians, but this is not always the case. Nop was one hundred percent straight. He simply fell in love once with me, a man, at one time in his life. The same goes for Ongsa. She might be in love with a girl, but it doesn't mean she's a lesbian or anything like that. And even if she is, isn't she still his daughter? I'm not saying this because I was once hurt. I'm saying this as an uncle who wouldn't want to see a little girl sad. Go back to the moment you thought you would lose your daughter. Was there anything more important than Ongsa's happiness at this moment? I'm a doctor. I witness this kind of thing all the time. Life is unpredictable. Don’t wait until that moment.”
“…”
With these words, Nop and Aor remain silent. Nop knows his wife has been bothered by this ever since she discovered his past with Dr. Vich, because their drunk friend teased him on their wedding day. Nop didn't want to dig up this story as it wasn't a pleasant subject. He broke up with Dr. Vich two years before his family arranged his meeting with Aor. Nop was opposed at first, but something about this woman changed his feelings. Her relationship with Dr. Vich ended years ago, but they maintained their friendship after his return. Aor was always bothered by this, to the point that Nop considered her irrational, so he tried to contact Dr. Vich less often to avoid problems.
After hearing the long explanation of her husband's former love, something in Aor's heart is unlocked. After twenty years of marriage, why wouldn't she know that Nop loves her? He clearly demonstrates that she loves him. Nop is a great husband, a great father and a great family man. However, she was never one hundred percent sure if he was hiding something deep in his heart. It's one of the reasons Aor believes same-sex relationships don't last long. Deep down, she was afraid... to accept that she was not the only one in her husband's heart...
“I said everything I wanted. Excuse me."
Dr. Vich leaves the office, leaving the couple on the couch. Shortly after Dr. Vich left, Aor burst into tears. All the emotions were too overwhelming to bear.
Nop watches his wife cry heavily, and the image of the girl he has huddled with overlaps the vision of his feelings. He slowly wraps his arms around his wife and strokes her head like he used to.
“It’s okay, Aor… I’m here.”
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Ongsa missed classes for two days. Sun didn't want to notice, but he couldn't help it. Even though they broke up and she was the one who got dumped, Sun has no idea why she still keeps up to date with Ongsa.
…It's not wrong to miss her after we break up, right…?
"Right. If no one has anything else to share, the meeting is over. Thank you for your cooperation. Student council students, we will have another meeting in ten minutes.” Peem, the school president, announces another meeting with the student council to discuss additional details after having had a meeting with the Sports Day committee. But…
“Peem, I’m going to need to leave early today. I need to visit a friend in the hospital.” Tinh says.
"Who?"
“Ongsa, the palanquin girl.”
“Ah… go ahead. All good. There isn't much. I will share the information in the group later.”
"Right. Thanks."
Okay... There's not much to discuss at the meeting. They will just ask each other's opinions on certain things. It's okay for Tinh not to be here, but the person who doesn't look good at all is the girl who has been frozen since she heard that Ongsa is in the hospital.
“Sun.”
“…” Sun turns to Tinh’s voice, giving no response.
“Do you want to go visit Ongsa with me?”
"What happened to her?" Sun shows interest in the cruel person before he even realizes it.
“She had an appendicitis operation. She needs to be hospitalized for a week. Charoen and I are going to visit you, do you want to come with us?”
“…No. She probably doesn’t want to see me.”
Tinh sighs at Sun's response. It's hard to be an intermediary. Tinh doesn't want her friends' relationships to end this way. At least Sun should have been aware of Ongsa's pain.
I'm sorry, Ongsa. I guess I'll have to break my promise.
Tinh pulls Sun out of the meeting room and takes her to the empty balcony on the left.
“Sun, do you know why Sun broke up with you?” Tinh asks Sun after making sure no one is around.
“…” Sun doesn’t understand why Tinh is bringing this up.
“She said she was afraid that society wouldn’t accept this, didn’t she?” Tinh tries to guess. Judging by Sun's expression, Tinh believes she got it right.
“I bet she didn’t tell you that her mom found out she was dating a girl.”
"Huh?" Sun reacts this time.
“She also never told you that her mother is super homophobic, right? Even I need to act macho in the presence of her mother.”
“Why didn’t she tell me? Why did she leave me without explanation? She acted like my feelings were nothing.”
“She probably didn’t want to make you feel guilty.”
"Why?"
“The stick broke at her house and her parents had a big fight over her relationship with her. They almost got divorced. That's why she broke up with you. It wasn't because you're not important to her. But if Ongsa had to choose between love and family, she would choose family.”
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In the end, Sun still refuses to go visit Ongsa with Tinh. She doesn't know what position she has to be there or how she should act in front of Ongsa. More importantly, it would be a big problem if her mother saw her there.
Still, Sun is Sun. She eventually can't stand the worry. Three days later, Sun carries her test summary notes – copies from her friends – and materials from other subjects to the hospital and stands in front of the recovery room at the number the nurse told her. Final exams start next week. She doesn't know if Ongsa will recover in time, but she should at least study. That's why Sun brought everything, however, she doesn't have the courage to enter the recovery room. She's been standing there for three minutes now.
“Are you here to visit Ongsa?” Someone's voice startles Sun. At least she didn't drop things on the floor, as it would have been difficult to collect everything. Sun turns to the source of the voice and discovers a middle-aged woman standing behind her. “Why don’t you come in, darling?” Ongsa's mother? It must be. They look alike.
“I… I brought her some materials to study for her exams.”
“Ah, then come in. Ongsa must be awake. She slept all afternoon.”
"I do not want to bother. I'll let her rest. I have an appointment soon. Could you give this to her?” Sun spreads the leaves. The woman complacently accepts them and encourages her to enter, but Sun refuses and excuses herself.
Aor opens the door to the recovery room and discovers the patient looking out the window in a daze.
“When did you wake up?” The question makes Ongsa realize that she is no longer alone.
"Right now."
"Are you hungry? I brought you porridge.” Ongsa can only eat light foods for now. But since the food at the hospital is not to his liking, Aor always buys something for his daughter. She doesn't know it's not because the food tastes horrible. Ongsa simply lost his appetite.
"I'm not hungry."
“You still need to eat, honey. You didn't eat properly for lunch. Oh, I was asked to give this to you.” Aor hands a stack of leaves, from the girl in front of the room, to Ongsa. Although the girl is strangely familiar, Aor has never met his daughter's friends other than Charoen and Tinh.
Ongsa takes the sheets from her, wondering who it belongs to and how the person knew her mother.
“Who asked you to do this, mom? Have you?”
"No. I do not know who it is. She was standing in front of the room. I told her to come in, but she had another commitment, so she asked me to deliver this to you.”
Ongsa tries to think of who would be so kind to bring her study material for the exams besides Tinh and Charoen.
…Sun.
Ongsa tries to get this ridiculous thought out of his head. No way Sun would have come here for her. She wouldn't even look at her when they crossed paths at school. At the thought of Sun, Ongsa is overcome with sadness again. The doctor said it would take three to six months for the surgery scar to soften, but Ongsa had no idea how long the scar on his heart would take to heal.
“Ongsa.”
“Yes… yes, mom?” Her mother's voice brings her back to reality.
“Why do you like her, this girl?”
"Forgiveness?"
“The girl named Sun.”
"I…"
"Tell me. I want to know." With his mother's voice and expression calmer than usual, Ongsa finds the courage to respond.
“I didn't have romantic feelings for her at first. I admired her because she was beautiful and popular. But when I had the opportunity to meet her, I discovered that she was much more than she seemed. She was talkative and good at her tasks. She also treats others well. I didn't know why I liked her. Just one day I found myself in love with her. I knew I shouldn't feel this way because we are two girls. I tried to forget her, but I failed. At least we decided to try something. A versatile girl like her and a terrible girl like me are not an ideal combination, but I love her. I really love you, mom…”
Ongsa feels his chest tighten again at the mention of Sun.
“When you love someone you need to take good care of them, right? If you want to be in a relationship, you must take care of each other and never encourage bad behavior.”
"There is…?" Ongsa cannot understand what his mother is saying.
“Stay with whoever you want to be with. I won't stop you anymore. From now on, I will not forbid you from loving anyone, as long as they are a good person.”
"Mother…"
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