I can’t love you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you
The announcement of Sun and Ongsa's relationship became the talk of the school overnight. The popular girl and the terrible girl with rising popularity. Of course, they are the center of attention. Some people think they changed their status for fun. However, when their classmates tease them and they don't deny it, the others start to believe that Ongsa and Sun are really dating. Even if Ongsa wasn't popular like he is now, Sun revealing that he is dating a girl would be criticized anyway.
'I'm shocked, bro. Two beautiful girls dating, not giving a hot guy like me a chance.'
'When did you start dating? Spit it out.'
'That explains why Sun acted like he was going to break my neck when I asked for a photo with Ongsa.'
Blah blah blah. More and more. The unusual comment belongs to a tenth grader.
'I shipped you two months ago. I knew there was something between you two. I didn't expect them to actually be dating. What a massaaaaaa.'
She even attached photos from her senior year's volunteer camp. They show typical activities, but if you look carefully, you will notice Ongsa looking at Sun and vice versa in all the photos. The craziest thing is the photo of Tinh, Ongsa and Charoen from last semester, where Ongsa is giving a peace sign. Someone noticed it was the same band-aid finger that Sun posted with a caption, "How cute." Apparently everyone knew they had been dating for a long time.
The announcement is in theory well received, to Ongsa's relief, but that's not all. Someone left a comment on Sun's photo showing Ongsa the finger.
'You didn't tell me back then that you preferred fingers. You have deceived me for so long.'
Some other people left vulgar comments there out of recklessness or anger at Sun dating her. Although other people defended them in the comments. Still, even though the number of negative responses is low, they hurt Ongsa's feelings significantly. She never wanted to be the reason Sun was seen in a negative light. That's how Ongsa has felt since the first day she realized she was in love with Sun, and she still feels that way to this day.
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“Ongsa, Alpha.”
“Oh, Bing. What brings you here?" Alpha asks when her mother's friend's daughter appears out of nowhere at the cram school.
"I study here."
"Huh? Since when? I’ve never seen you here before.” Alpha asks again.
“I've been studying here for two weeks. I used to take private lessons at home, but my mother wanted me to study more, so she enrolled me here.”
“Ah… the pre-university course, right? Which university do you intend to go to?” Ongsa asks. She mostly doesn't care about other people's affairs, but this girl is her mother's friend's daughter. They grew up and played together. They are very close.
“My mother wants me to apply to Triam Udom Suksa University.”
"And you?"
“Triam.”
“Triam Udom Suksa?”
"Nor. I wish. I wouldn't be accepted. I'm stupid. I can’t compete with anyone.”
“What are you talking about, kids?” Bing's mother approaches before they talk further.
“Hello, Aunt Bee.” the two sisters greet at the same time.
"Hello girls. How much time. You have grown up.” Bee teases, like any adult would.
"Mother. I'm going to class." The little girl warns her mother.
"Clear. Go ahead."
“We also have to go. See you later, Aunt Bee.” The two sisters ask for permission.
“Study hard, kids.”
“Of course.”
When the three girls go to their rooms, Bee calls someone who was waiting for her call.
“Hello, Aor? Ah… Yes. I just left my daughter. I also met Alpha and Ongsa. Where are you…? Right, right. I'll be there soon. Order me a drink. The usual… Ahem, yes. I’ll hang up.” She says and ends the call before heading to the agreed location.
***
“I’m hereyyyyyy.”
“It’s late.”
“Late? I came as quickly as I could. Stop complaining."
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop complaining. So, what about the long weekend? Has your family planned anything? Will we have a group trip like last year?”
“I'm fine with that. We just won't stray too far from Bangkok this time. Last year, my husband kept complaining about back pain from driving for so long.”
“I’ll ask the others first.”
The two housewives enjoy the conversation, as they only meet once in a while.
An hour after the two housewives drink coffee and talk, a couple of teenagers enter the coffee shop and sit at a table in the corner, in a narrow space near them. It would be okay if…
“Children these days are hopeless.” Aor looks away.
… Teenagers start making out without caring that this is a public space.
“Ugh, my goodness. What is that? Aren’t they ashamed?” Bee looks at them and can't stand it.
“If my children behaved like this, I would have to take sedatives three times a day after meals.” Aor says. She has two daughters. Seeing these children, she can't help but think about Alpha and Ongsa.
"So it is. I'm also worried about Bing. She's in eighth grade now, becoming a woman. Good thing she doesn't have a boyfriend. Honestly, I would prefer my daughter to date girls like Aom and Ongsa to alleviate my worries about things like this.”
"What did you say…? Is Ongsa dating a girl?” Her friend's skeptical expression, look and voice made Bee realize that she said something she shouldn't have.
“Tell me right now. How did you find out that my daughter is dating a girl? Did your daughter tell you?”
"No no. It's not that. I…"
“Tell me, Bee!!” With this firm command, Bee doesn't know how to divert the topic and reveals the truth to her friend.
The thing is, as her daughter's Facebook friend, Bee stumbled across a photo of a page that Bing follows. It was a photo of Ongsa. Bee clicked it, read the caption and discovered that it was a page that showed the beauties at her daughter's school. The post stated that Ongsa recently announced his relationship with another beautiful girl in the photo. Bee wasn't shocked, living in an era where such things are acceptable. Even though the girl in the photo was someone close, she was not surprised as she remembered that Ongsa's cousin was also dating a girl. Bee thought her family would be able to accept this. However, as soon as she told her friend everything, she realized she was wrong!
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Ongsa feels something is wrong. Although she can't put her finger on it, she knows it's not a good thing. After the course, Alpha separated from her because of a project with a friend, so Ongsa went home with her mother. Ongsa may not be a talkative child, but her mother would always ask her general questions, so the car would be filled with chatter and laughter.
…Not this deadly silence now…
Ongsa assumes her mother must have had a stressful conversation with Aunt Bee. She has no idea what could stress her mother out, but she hopes she isn't stressed. Her mother is easy going and very kind. When she seems to carry the entire weight of the world on her shoulders, Ongsa feels terrible.
As soon as they arrive home, Ongsa leaves his backpack in the bedroom and goes to the kitchen to prepare something he was planning while still in the car. Ongsa slowly places a glass of red liquid with water on the table due to the temperature, yet the woman sitting in the living room with her head down is not paying attention to the glass or the person she is handing it to.
“You look tired. I made you a sweet red drink.”
The mother casts her eyes on Ongsa. She stares at her for a while before speaking.
"Thank you dear." she says and drinks. Ongsa is happy that she did something for her mother. Her mother looks exhausted, so Ongsa waits for her to relax. She doesn't want her mother to be stressed.
“Ongsa.”
"Yes?"
“How are you at school?”
"Nothing else. The results of the mid-semester exams are out. I did poorly in physics and further mathematics, but I have improved. I got the highest grade in health education. Tinh complained like hell because I didn’t let him cheat on me.”
“Well… are you dating anyone?”
“…” Her mother changes the subject out of nowhere. The question stuns Ongsa.
“I heard you’re dating a girl… is that true, Ongsa?”
“Where did you hear that from?”
“A page at your school posted several photos of you. Is this true, Ongsa? Are you dating a girl?”
"Oh me…"
“Answer me, Ongsa!”
"No, I'm not."
“…”
“I updated my status as a joke with a friend and someone posted this.” Ongsa says, under pressure.
“Phew… What a relief.”
“…”
“I was shocked, you know. Don't play with this again. You know I don’t like those things.”
"Yes mom…"
Her mother smiles again, while Ongsa's world is collapsing before her eyes. What should she do? What should she do? Her mother found out about Sun. What should she do now…?
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“Ongsa, I want ice cream. Let’s go to that place in front of the school this afternoon.”
“I need to go straight home this afternoon, Sun.”
"Ah because? You don't have a class this afternoon. Family matters?
"Yes."
“Let’s go tomorrow then.”
“I’ll see if I can.”
“Ah, the movie we were talking about is coming out soon. When are we going to watch it?”
“I've been busy lately, Sun. I don't know if I'll have time for this. You can go watch it with your friends first.”
"Beauty. Do you have a lot of homework these days?”
"Yes."
“I’m here if you need help.”
“How could you help me? You have a lot of homework too. I do not want to bother you."
"I want to help. So you spend time with me. It’s upsetting when your girlfriend doesn’t have time to talk to you, you know.”
"Sorry."
“I don’t accept your excuse. You’ll need to buy me an ice cream.”
"Right. Let’s go get ice cream when I have time.”
Ongsa separates from Sun in low spirits. She has been keeping her distance from Sun in recent weeks, worried that her mother will find out about their relationship. Ongsa didn't want to lie, but she can't think of any other way at the moment. If she admitted that she was dating Sun, she would be in serious trouble. Her mother wouldn't accept it. All Ongsa can do now is keep their relationship a secret from her mother. By doing this, her relationship with Sun worsened. Why wouldn't Ongsa notice how upset Sun is? But what can she do? Ongsa is scared of everything and everyone now. She's afraid her mother will find out. She's afraid Sun will get mad. She is afraid that she will not be able to maintain the relationship. She's scared of having to break up with Sun.
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“He arrived early. Sit down first. I haven’t looked yet, are you in a hurry?” Aor says, following her friend into the house.
"I am. I have to go buy shoes for my husband. It’s promotion day.”
"Right. I’ll look upstairs.”
"Yes. Excellent."
The two mothers walk to the younger girl's room. Bee is here to borrow her daughter's first grade textbook. It's good to save a little.
“Ongsa’s room is so tidy. Bing’s room is a zone.”
“She tidied her room yesterday. It's usually a mess. Let's look for the book. Not in a hurry?”
"Oh yes."
The two mothers search the room until they find it.
“Ongsa is very diligent when she needs to be, but she is lazy most of the time, always gambling.”
"Right. I got what I wanted. I'm going now. I need to fight with a lot of people. If I don’t get the shoes, my husband will make my ear numb from complaining.”
"Yes. I will accompany you to the exit.”
"All good. Stay here and tidy your child's room. We searched a lot. Ongsa will be shocked when she arrives. Hadn’t she just finished cleaning it?”
“Okay, okay. Drive carefully."
"It can leave. I am going. Until later. Goodbye."
When her friend left, Aor organized her daughter's room, putting things in their proper place. Although Ongsa is not obsessed with cleanliness, she organizes things accordingly. If Aor doesn't put everything back, her daughter will grumble non-stop.
“Woof woof!” The family dog enters Ongsa's room since the door is open.
“Ah, Latte. Bee is already out, right?”
“Woof woof.”
“Why did you come here? Did you come to help me organize my room?”
“Woof, woof woof.”
“You are lazy like your owner. Why is it smelling there? Did Ongsa hide snacks?”
Latte digs under Ongsa's bed as if her life depends on it. Aor had to chase the cheeky dog away, afraid he would damage his daughter's things. It takes a lot of energy to pull Latte, the cheeky dog leaves with nothing. He holds a bag of cookies in his mouth. This explains what Latte was looking for. The strange thing is, why did she have a bag of cookies under her bed?
After finally pulling the bag of cookies out of the dog's mouth, the beautiful mother bends over to put it back under the bed, but there is another problem besides the cookies lying there...
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Have you felt numbness throughout your body, as if you were about to stop breathing?
This is how Ongsa feels after arriving home and seeing her mother waiting for her in the living room holding a small box.
The box where Ongsa keeps everything about Sun inside...
The photos of them, the movie tickets, the cards that Sun gave her on every birthday, the dolls that Sun made for her, the desserts that Sun made for her, the things that Sun bought for her. Everything is in the box. The one her mother is holding.
“Do you have any explanation, Ongsa?”
"Me me…"
“Didn’t you say it was a joke?”
Your mother doesn't yell, scold, yell, or whip you. She doesn't even raise her voice the way Ongsa fears, but her tone, expression and eyes, full of disappointment, are a thousand times worse than if she were shouting.
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I am really sorry."
“You never lied to me, Ongsa. Are you becoming like this after dating this girl?”
"No mother. Sun has nothing to do with this!”
“How did this happen, Ongsa?”
“…”
“It doesn’t matter now, Ongsa, you know I despise such things, especially when it comes to my daughters. I don't care if you're in love or in a relationship, but it shouldn't be with a girl. It's useless to date a girl. You are obligated to get married and start a family one day. Don’t harm your life, dear.”
“…”
“Did you understand what I said, Ongsa?”
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It takes trust to be together. Without trust, it's over...
It's not the first time Sun has dated someone. Why wouldn't she know how important trust is to love? However, that doesn't matter.
…Sometimes you know what you need to do, even though you can’t…
Sun can't help but suspect Ongsa. Ongsa has something in mind. Sun can feel it. He even asked her directly, but Ongsa denied it. Sun feels that Ongsa is trying to keep his distance. They talk and meet less than before. She always says she doesn't have time when Sun invites her, making excuses that she has a lot of homework and chores. In the beginning, Sun understood that everyone has their own responsibilities, so it was impossible to be together all the time. But this is too much. Ongsa doesn't have time for her at all.
“Tinh.”
“Hmm?”
“Let me ask you something.”
"What?"
“I know you may feel uncomfortable answering, but I hope you will tell me the truth.”
With these words and a serious voice, Tinh stops working on his documents and turns to his student council colleague. He wonders what Sun is about to ask, but isn't sure if he can answer the question.
"You can ask. I will answer if I can.”
“It’s about Ongsa…”
As expected.
“She’s cheating on me, isn’t she?”
"Huh?!!"
This was totally unexpected. Tinh didn't think Sun would ask that question. Ongsa cheating? Besides Sun, Tinh can't think of anyone else stupid enough to like Ongsa. Tinh feels that she is acting strange but is sure that Ongsa is not cheating as Sun believes.
“No one would be stupid enough to like a terrible girl like Ongsa, and Ongsa is too stupid to know how to cheat. She has no one else but you.”
“But she’s not the same anymore. She acts like she doesn't care about me. She was never like that, Tinh.” Sun slowly puts his heart out. She can't tell her friends about this, for fear they will think badly of Ongsa. On the other hand, she's going to suffocate to death if she doesn't get this out.
“She is busy these days. Piles of homework. Final exams are coming up.”
“Are you so busy that you can't spend time with your girlfriend? You study and work on the student council, and yet you have more time than her.” Sun says in a dejected voice.
“Don't think too much about it, Sun. Ongsa has been quite quiet, in fact. She doesn't even talk to us much anymore, not just you. I'm not making excuses for my friend because you're my friend too, but I don't want you to come to a conclusion on your own. Ongsa must be stressed about something. Wait for her to explain herself. About her cheating on you, that's impossible. Despite being stupid, she only loves you. Believe me."
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Sun tries not to overthink it, as Tinh suggested, but he can't. Sun has mentioned several times how irrational it is. He's getting worse now that his girlfriend doesn't pay attention to her. If you want to know how irrational she is, go look for Ongsa at the carpentry shop. She waits until class is over before marching directly to Ongsa. If Ongsa avoids her, Sun will confront her.
Sun hears someone teasing that Ongsa's girlfriend came to pick her up. The kids here give off an aura of envy, but Sun doesn't care. The only thing she cares about now is Ongsa.
“Ongsa, can I have a word with you?
“Yes… You can go, boys.” Ongsa says to his colleagues after nodding at Sun.
Ongsa and Sun walk to the same place where they cleared things up about Ton last time. Sun hopes Ongsa's explanation is as good as it was that day.
“Why have you been avoiding me?”
“I said I’m busy with homework.”
“Tinh also has a lot of homework, and yet he manages to go to the student council office every day. Is she so busy that she can’t answer her cell phone, Ongsa?”
“…”
"Still love me?"
"I…"
“…”
“Let’s finish, Sun.”
These words shock Sun. She came here to hear an explanation from Ongsa, and not to be dropped out of nowhere.
“Why… why do you suddenly want to break up with me?” It takes a while for Sun to find her voice and respond.
"I am really sorry…"
“You're apologizing again. Keep apologizing. You apologize for anything that happens. Have you ever thought about explaining yourself? You apologize all the time. I’m about to lose my mind, Ongsa.”
“…” Ongsa has no idea what to say as the only thing on her mind is the word ‘sorry’, which Sun doesn’t want to hear.
“Are you cheating on me?”
"No."
“Then why do you want to break up? You do not love me anymore?" Sun is on the verge of tears, and this drains all of Ongsa's energy. But in the end, she forces herself to finish.
“What’s the point of our relationship, Sun? No one will accept us even if we push. Don't you notice the way other people look at us? We are like monsters from another world. We are considered abnormal by society. How long will we have to endure staying in this state? Isn’t it better to end this now, Sun?”
Sun has no idea what happened to Ongsa, but his trembling eyes and voice somehow ease his anger. Something triggered Ongsa to do this.
“If you don’t like other people’s looks, we can go back to keeping our relationship a secret. We can pretend to finish.” Sun tries to find a solution. She doesn't want the love to end for this reason.
… We build love with our hearts. Why would we let ourselves be destroyed by other people…?
“Why should we continue knowing that it is a dead end? Eventually we will finish. It's impossible between us. Our family will never accept this. Let's finish today. Let’s not waste time on something that won’t lead to anything, Sun.”
A few words from Ongsa reignited Sun's anger.
“Is it a waste of time to date me, Ongsa? When you said our family would never accept this, did you even think about telling them first? Did you ever consider fighting for our love? Why are you such a loser? Just people's looks are enough for you to break up with me? Why are you so weak? Will you continue running away from problems for the rest of your life? Never wanted to fight for our love? Never wanted to try something? Why did you give up? Why did you give up so easily? Am I worthless or important to you? Is that why you can get rid of me so easily?”
Everything in Sun's mind overflows. She can no longer hold back the tears. The sight of a beautiful girl at school wiping away her tears must be so devastating that you want to comfort her. But this doesn't apply to the girl in front of Sun, because Ongsa is simply standing there without silence and looks at Sun with empty eyes. This makes Sun tell herself to give up what she is doing.
“Okay, Ongsa. I understand now. I'm sorry for bothering you.” Sun gathers all his strength to walk away with teary eyes. After four months of relationship, Sun just learned something...
Ongsa is cruel. Very cruel.
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Right after Sun leaves, Ongsa falls to the ground. The tears she was holding back flow, as she now no longer needs to suppress her emotions.
“Because you are important, so important that I can’t trap you in a love without a future.” Ongsa answers Sun's question even though she is no longer here to listen.
“Ongsa!!” The two best friends scream at the same time, seeing their friend's condition. When Ongsa told Tinh and Charoen to go ahead to talk to Sun alone, they waited nearby as they felt a strange energy. They were shocked to witness Sun leave crying and assumed they had a fight, so they came to ask what happened. Ongsa's condition shocked them even more because she was worse than Sun.
“Ongsa, what is it?” Tinh asks worriedly.
“I broke up with Sun. I really broke up…” Ongsa says and cries even more. He comforts her with a hug.
“Calm down, Ongsa. Calm down.”
“I don't want to break up with her, but I can't keep dating her. I can't." Ongsa sobs so much that her friends feel sorry for her.
“I love Sun, but I can't even tell her that. Why was I born a girl? Why? Why? Why are there so many conditions for me to love someone? Why? Why…?" Ongsa screams so loudly that Charoen also hugs her. Charoen and Tinh manage to put the puzzle together from what Ongsa told them yesterday. They were shocked to hear Ongsa's decision, but they didn't know how to help their friend. The problem is too serious for kids like them to solve.
“You can still be friends after the breakup. It's not like you're going to disappear from each other's lives. You can still love Sun, Ongsa. As a friend, at least.” It had a console.
"Not even. Will never be the same. Sun hates me now.” Ongsa says, sobbing.
“Did you say why you had to break up with her?”
Ongsa stays quiet, not answering Charoen's question.
“I didn’t say so, right?”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything. There's no point leaving her feeling guilty because of me. It’s better this way.”
Tinh and Charoen shake their heads, disapproving of Ongsa's thinking. Because Ongsa is the type of person – who comes to a conclusion on her own and cares more about others – who has to bear the pain more than anyone else.
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