They were on the move again, Valen rocking with the sway of Ika's steps as she made her way over the snowpack. Anun's spring was still weeks away, but already signs of the cold planet's seasonal warming presented themselves: freeze-resistant flowers grew in air pockets under shells of ice, blossoming in faint pinks and yellows; mosses and lichens clinging to the warmer sunny side of boulders sent out thread-fine tendrils tipped with tiny hairs covered in spores. Farther up the mountain housing the palace compound the peaks cloaked themselves in clouds of mist like a dancer in a silver-beaded shawl, while steam rose from Kitsara's magma-heated streets below and gave the capital city a soft, ethereal aura. Harsh as it was, Anun's rugged beauty matched its equally hardy people.
Valen wasn't feeling particularly hardy at this moment, though. Rather, his hearts kept stumbling and bumping into each other when he thought of Fang. Could she feel the same way about me as I do her? What if she thinks I don't love her, and she's living in dread of leaving? Should I ask her? Early on they'd promised to be honest with each other, but the chance of that honesty hurting one or both of them felt unbearably risky. If she loved him, that would be wonderful and nothing would have to change – Fang could stay with him, or go traveling under her new status as Lady Consort knowing she had something to come home to. If she didn't love him, though...
"You've gone quiet again," Benna commented. "I can hear your brain spinning, Your Grace."
"Sorry, Ben. I just... I don't know what to do. I don't know how she feels, so I don't know how – or if – I should tell her how I feel. How am I supposed to know if I can even tell her? If I just come out and say it, what if she laughs at me? Or worse, what if it makes her feel guilty?"
The Warden shrugged. "You know her best, how do you think she'll react? You're the one who's spent the most time with her, surely you can guess."
"I wish it was that easy. I've only known her a month, that's not enough time to truly know someone. You just said it took years for you to know if you loved Rodin, I don't think it's fair to expect less from Fang."
"You say you love her, and it's been the same amount of time for you."
Valen made a noise of misery. Benna was right – there was a chance that these feelings might be transient, that perhaps once all the excitement died down he might realize that they were merely the shadows of fear driving him to cling to Fang. And he knew how good of an actress Fang could be, it was equally possible that she was playing along with him to keep herself fed and warm. Are my feelings even real? Was I just so lonely I would accept anything? The attention Fang gave him, her apparent willingness to sleep with him and let him touch and kiss her, surely that would make any lonely person want to believe it was real. Am I just being delusional?
"Speaking of," Benna interrupted his thoughts, "while I believe what you're feeling is real, how do you know it's love?"
Valen stared down at the snow dusting the back of Ika's neck and the supple leather backing of his riding gloves. How do I know? When had he suddenly become so sure? "I... I care more about her than I do myself," he began, faltering occasionally. "I would do anything for her – I fought my brother for her, Tias could've killed me but I still did it. I'd give up everything for her, just to make sure she had whatever she needed."
"Those are nice things," Benna shrugged and a dusting of snow fell from her coat. "All men like to make big promises to the women they like, but very few actually follow through with them."
"But I can, though." Valen sat up straighter in the saddle. "I'm a Dragon Prince, my birthright gives me the power to make it happen – I took on the Baishin colony so I can prove to everyone that I can do this, and once I do I can set Fang free."
Benna cocked a scaled brow. "I thought His Majesty was punishing Tias by giving the colony to you."
"Er, yes, but... Once I show my father that I can handle the responsibility of governor, he'll have to grant her release."
"Who says?"
"I do. If I succeed, I can ask him a favor and it would look bad if he refused me. I'll ask him to dissolve her contract, then Fang will be free to go." As much as it hurt him to keep repeating the point, giving Fang her liberty was still his primary motivation behind everything. Ashes, he'd even gone on this ride with Benna to give Fang some time to herself without him hovering like the insects that swarmed the steppes at the height of summer! "I have to succeed, Ben, I promised Fang I would."
"So what happens if you fail?"
The weight of that possibility pulled Valen down through the snow and into the still-frozen soil. "I don't know. I'm afraid to think about it, about what she'll think if everything I've done falls apart. It could – I'm not naïve enough to think it can't – but I have to try for her sake." Which is why I have to make her my Lady Consort – her status will protect her where I can't. It was the closest to freedom he could give her.
"You don't think she'll be upset with you," Ben remarked with a thoughtful expression, her ears drawing back against her head. "You don't think she'll think less of you as long as you try, is that it?"
Valen nodded. "She knows how hard I've worked on this, she's worked with me on this colony since the beginning. She knows all of my plans and she knows they could all fail, she trusts me to at least see them through to the end. Whatever that end is."
Benna rode beside him quietly, Grandmother and Ika picking their way over a tumble of stones that had once been a cairn marking some bend in the road leading up the mountain. Ika lowered her head to sniff at some shulong scat, long dried-out from the incessant wind, and snorted as it crumbled under her foot. Valen could hear one of the predatory creatures yowling somewhere among the scree, but it was too far away to be of any concern. One shulong would be trouble for him, but one shulong versus two manyu and two Drass, one of them armed, would barely be an inconvenience. Overhead, black specks circled on updrafts that carried the winged creatures up and over the range Valen called his home. Could Fang call it her home too? Valen hoped so, and he hoped that if the Federation accepted his proposal Fang might be able to call the Baishin colony her home as well. All I know is that wherever she is, that will be my home.
"I worry that you haven't told her how you feel," Ben said, breaking the silence. "I don't know whether you should use the word 'love', but I think you should at least tell her that you're feeling more than friendly. And I think you should do so before you do whatever it is you're planning that needs my support – I know you far too well to think you're not up to something, and I would hate to see it fall to pieces in your hands."
Valen cringed. Firemother burn her! Benna was the closest to a mother he could have wished for, and as much as it irked him to admit it she did know him about as well as he knew himself. He was grateful to have the highest-ranking Imperial Warden as his personal guardian, since her position could sway the entirety of the service in his favor, but there were times when her mothers' instinct stripped away so much of his carefully-constructed presentation that he might as well have been nude. I swear she can see right through my scales. But again, she was right. I should talk to Fang, I should at least tell her that I care about her more than I've been letting on. And with the reception ball in just two days, the sooner he spoke to her the better. He nodded, making up his mind. "I will. I have to, it's only fair that I'm honest with her."
"Honest, yes, but don't be too blunt – telling her too much this close to the reception might upset her."
"Hngh, of course." What do I say, though? 'Fang, I know we've been sleeping together for over a month and I've been making sure that no matter what happens you'll always have enough to live on if something goes wrong, but I have to tell you that I haven't been doing it out of the goodness of my hearts'? Perhaps he should keep things simple by telling her he cared about her, he wanted her to be happy whatever she chose, but he thought she should know he thought of her as more than just his 'friend with benefits'. Did humans have a term for someone who wasn't quite one's life partner, but who was more than their close friend? Eyah, I wish I knew more humans! They might know what to say.
"We should get back," Benna gestured to the palace compound, which had somehow come very close in a short time. "I'm drilling the security detail tonight, and tomorrow morning I have a sweep of the grounds for potential break points. Yi-yah!" She flapped the reins on Grandmother's shoulders and the old manyu lumbered towards the palace gates. Valen tapped Ika's ribs with his heels, steering her away from a cluster of dried grasses that reeked of shulong piss. He pulled up alongside Benna and she reached over to tap his shoulder with her fist. "Your Grace, you know I mean well, don't you?"
"Hngh, yes. It's just... I've never done this before, I've never felt this way about someone. I'm more afraid I'll disappoint her than I will my father – I know I can't make the Federation choose what I want, but I'd do anything to make sure Fang is happy. I'd even give up my birthright if that's what it takes to free her." If I was no longer a Dragon Prince, my claim to her would be null and void. It would be an extreme measure, and Valen couldn't imagine a scenario where he'd have to do anything so drastic.
"Ashes, let's hope it doesn't come to that! For now, just focus on fulfilling your promise, all right? No sense in getting ahead of yourself and renouncing your bloodline or something equally ridiculous. Just go to her, be sincere, tell her as much of the truth as you can stand, and trust that she'll understand."
"Yes ma'am," Valen gave her a cheeky grin. "And since you're in such a hurry to get back – hai!" he shouted and stood up in the stirrups, urging Ika to break into a lightning gallop. Ben barked a mild curse at him, goading Grandmother into a loping run, and chased him back to the palace compound. As they pulled into the paddock Valen looked up towards the shadowy crag that housed the balcony outside his apartments – the doors were still locked and sealed against the cold, but who was behind the doors meant more to him than all twenty-nine years of the life he'd lived there.