What is it that I fear?
Bated breath is held within my chest, almost as if awaiting its last request. Feeling and no longer thinking, I've found the true fear of my life. Married to me not in a sense of synergy, but in the most literal of the literary.
This fear is what I never knew until I knew, and it's why I believe people say "ignorance is bliss". For nothing else in this life that can bring a man to his knees, there are but two things. Love and fear. Between the lines of reality and the fabrication of the world through my eyes I have borne witness to both.
Oh, how it feels to be forsaken. There are but two truth to my existence - one simple, fleeting understanding - that truth is that I fell to my knees first in the form of love. Many love, but how many can truly say they loved so deeply and without the belief that their world would be torn asunder? How many have opened their hearts to the core of who they are and were accepted for it without qualm, complaint, or disdain? I know that I am but one of many, but that many is far fewer than can be understood.
The second, seemingly endless truth of my existence is the fear which brought me not just to my knees, but unto the floor like a newborn babe unable to walk. Beneath the pain, sadness, and negative emotions that cascaded through the heart and mind was the one emotion which brings reckoning.
Fear.
How is it that one can give their all to another, only to have the person they put their blood, sweat, tears, and love into throw it all in their face? Is this a requirement of the human experience? Is this something we must all experience to "become stronger"? I daresay the answer is no. No. The requirement to suffer in order to find some secondary happiness or way to remove the fear is a false one, and anyone who says otherwise is stating folly.
It is with the heaviest of a shattered heart that I state my fear before any who may read this:
My fear is having found the person I could entrust the essence of my soul to. My fear is having a person, nay, a partner who was to be family, whom I had the mission - the goal - to protect. My fear is having a person who accepted not just the positive and the negative of me, but everything in between.
My fear ... is losing the meaning of life. The instinct to protect and provide for this person was the one thing I found as a driving force. This instinct to protect and provide for them was the missing piece of my life.
Not knowing what that missing piece was would have allowed me to exist in ignorance. In bliss. Cursed I am to now have the knowledge of what I needed in life, and who to give my all for, only to lose it for naught. To lose it through no fault of my own. To lose it in an unnecessary way. Can it truly be called "living" if the one you found you could live for no longer wants you? Or maybe that they still want you, but that they're too scared to take a chance - to take a step forward together into the unknown?
I daresay it's not living. It's simply existing, and simply existing is meaningless suffering.