even before i began to write this, i puzzled over a title. "good morning" with the date first. switching the order of the date and the greeting. considering switching "good" to "bad". ultimately removing any preliminary word to provide a neutral and blank slate. then, you know, later i felt the need to clarify which morning, because of course i did.
hello. my name is rayn. morning. early morning, in fact.
sometimes i forget my name is rayn, because i feel so ingrained in my birth name. it holds all the bad things about me, the weight that settles in my body and sinks like a beanbag. all of the times i've been yelled at, all of the times i've failed. all of the times i've been stupid and said something dumb or been wrongfully anxious or whatever. unfortunately, i am still those things.
at first i wanted to change my name because of the whole not-being-cis thing and all that. took me a hot minute to realize there was a little more to it than that. i'm trying to run from all these things, these stupid emotion-based things, that plague my mind. hah.
okay, i am pretty damn sure i have ADHD. i would (probably) bet everything i have on that one fact. i think autism is a good possibility too at this rate. some form of anxiety is on there somewhere. the way i act and think and feel socially makes it practically a guarantee.
someone was talking to me (who has a CVS receipt of diagnoses) and they thought i might have OCD? i'm not going to assume anything ofc lol but looking into some of the symptoms... it actually makes sense a bit. something that's been plaguing me recently is this urge to count words- more specifically, syllables. and if i don't end up with an even count, it just feels wrong. and when i look back years in my life, i've always been counting things: the stairs i go up (i know that's more common amongst people though) and the ticking of the turn signal in a car. but it's never really been like how it is now, with my finger slightly moving to the left and right, puncturing every syllable of every word, being unfulfilled and pulling me out of any focus.
heh. life's weird isn't it? all these names for all these things going on in my brain. guess i know why i'm worried to step up and advocate for a diagnosis- i'm terrified of being truly known.