DOMINIC
The next couple of days I didnt wanna be bother with anyone. I had the nurse call and tell them all to leave me alone for awhile and they did. I was able to get out of bed and sit in the chair near the window. Even tho I couldnt see anything I was still sitting there.
I ignored the nurses when they came in here to check on me. When they brought me my breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. Normally I talk to them or mess with them but the last 4 days I didn't. I been keeping my mouth shut to them. They would talk to me but I wouldnt speak back, I got up a few times feeling around the room and I would yell and curse when I hit something or knocked something over.
The nurse would come running in and help me back to either the bed or to my chair and she would tell me it was okay. That she knew I was getting tired in that one spot. I spoke with the door about a few things and he wasn't sure my sight was going to come back and that I had to start thinking of other things.
He kept telling me that I should use the text-to-speech software on my computer. I told him no that I didnt wanna use that, cause I would with my hands but he still insisted that it was the best course. I ignored him and learned Braille. Right now I'm about 60 to 70 percent of my old reading speed, and I'm pretty fucking proud of myself.
I had one of the nurses go out and get me one. While I taught myself to read using my fingers, I was thinking as well. I was thinking alot about my life and shit what if I never get to see my family again. I mean look at them, what if I never get to see my baby's face.
The most destructive part of losing my sight is the feeling of incompetence. I'm the kind of person who hates feeling inept. I like doing things well; to a certain degree, I've done many things well. At times, I feel like a failure at adapting. When I misplace something for the umpteenth time, I find myself berating myself for not being better at being blind. My self-consciousness about the white cane I will surly be using is waning. I've even started dreaming of myself as I am: an awkward, clumsy blind person.
My thoughts been really everywhere but at night I would cry and wonder why. I hope and pray. I wish it would all go away that I would wake up and see again.
When part of your body starts to die, you feel what it is to be human. I wake up from sleep of being just another idiot with an iPod because I am forced to work out the bigger questions. Or at least ask them.
Why am I here? Why is this happening? I am alert to the immediacy and fragility of my life. I know that the choices of the modern age do not and can not extend into every realm of my life. I can't choose to see at least not yet. This is it. The upshot? I live in the moment. I settle for my worth at face value and loved it.
The concept of sight loss as a positive thing is an elusive one. It is hard to grasp when you have experienced it, and even harder to grasp when you haven't. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is not something I wish hadn't happened.
Would I like to stop it getting worse? Yes, because I'm only human and, sometimes I lie awake worrying how I'll cope if it's all gone. But would I like to have gene therapy and see perfectly again? I'd have said yes. Because if this experiment of being blind has taught me anything, it is that what I lose in one place, I gain elsewhere, and while a blind life is different from a sighted life, it is not lesser. And ultimately it is better than having no life at all.
RJ
I got off the elevator and walked to Nicy's room and walked in, I didn't bother calling because I didn't want him to say he didnt wanna see no one. Him being blind wasn't going to get in the way of my brotherly instincts.
Unfortunately, he must have heard me coming because he was looking right at me well his head was turned my way. When I found him sitting in a chair with his feet in the other chair. I examined him silently for a moment while his head was towards me.
"Someone is there right?" he asked. "Someone is in here, right?"
"Mm-hm. So you really are blind, huh?" I said I pushed his feet off the chair to give myself a place to sit. I waved my hand in front of his face just to find out if he could see it. He swatted at me, but was unable to make contact.
"Cut it out, you jerk. For once in your life could you just be nice to me for a while?" he asked
"I'm always nice to you."
"Then I pity the people you're mean to." I laughed while he just shook his head. He couldn't have been too bothered. He'd had his whole life to get used to me.
"So how did you know my hand was in your face?" I asked
"I could feel the wind when you waved your hand ass" he said
"Question lil Nicy, why do you have the tv on?" I asked, nodding toward it despite the fact that he wouldn't notice the gesture.
"Why do I have the tv on? You mean because I can't see it? Let me put it this way; what else exactly am I supposed to do? Read? Go on the internet? Go for a run? You wanna know what all those activities have in common?"
"You need to be able to see to do them?" He clapped sarcastically for me.
"Bingo. I read all the Braille books I had."
"Is this really all you do? Just sit here and feel sorry for yourself?"
"Pretty much." He said then held up his fingers to check things off. "Eat, sleep, sit by the window wallowing in self-pity. That'd be about it."
Nicy looked like he'd just climbed out of bed. He was wearing a wife beater that he'd probably slept in the night before, and comfy pants.
"Maybe you should consider getting dressed."
"Why? What's the point? " he asked
"I dunno. Just do it?" I said pushing him in the shoulder.
"Fuck off," he said.
"Or what?"
I tried to push him again, but he swung at me this time. We got into a brief scuffle me trying to push him and him pushing me away, with neither of us able to gain any real advantage.
"Get off, you asshole," he said.
He finally decided to get his legs involved and started kicking me. That forced me switch my focus. I grabbed his ankles and held on, despite his attempts to free himself. After a moment I stood up and pulled him off the chair. He fell to the floor with a thud and just lay there. I retook my seat.
"You know you can't fight me," I said. "Even when you can see."
"Some brothers would take it easy on their incapacitated sibling," He said. "You know, at least wait until there's some challenge in it."
He was still lying on his back where he'd landed. "Yeah, I could take it easy. Wouldn't be very much fun in that. Then we'd both just be sitting around waiting for your sight to come back."
"Hmph" he said still laying there head up. I just sat there watching him, he laid his hands on his stomach. He wasn't his normal self he would have jumped up and gave me a fight pulling me on the floor with him but he didnt. He just laid there doing nothing, this was hurting my heart, this is hurting my heart to see my bestfriend my favorite brother like this.
"Get up come on, I'll call a nurse to give you a bath and get you dress we're going out" I said getting up and kneeled down pulling him up to a sitting position. "Come on" I tried to pull him up but he pushed me off of him.
"Fuck off asshole" he said
"No I'm not get the fuck up" I said he pushed me harder and I fell over just looking at him.
"FUCK YOU, OKAY FUCK YOU I DONT GIVE SHIT ANYMORE.. SO FUCK YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO" He yelled getting up I tried to help but he pushed me away he stumbled back knocking things over he started throwing shit at me. I moved and a few nurses came running in. I went and blocked them as he was throwing whatever his hands touched. "I'M THE ONE WHO'S BLIND SO DONT TELL ME SHIT OKAY FUCK ALL YALL... I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING DIED IN THAT CAR..FUUUCCK" I stood there watching and I was pushed out the way when 2 men in all white came in going towards him. They went and grabbed him trying to stop him. I ran over to them and pulled one of them off of him. He might be going crazy but he's still my brother. While I threw one off Nicy swung his arm fast as hell to the guys throat taking him down.
"NICY STOP" I yelled at what I saw him do next, if I wasnt here I wouldn't have believed it myself, but saw the blood and sprung into action as did the nurses.... "NICY!!" I squeezed as tight as I could, I heard the nurses telling me to let go but I couldn't I couldn't let go....