it was a mistake being near becky for that long.
it was a mistake indulging herself too much in the other woman's presence.
it was a mistake because freen can't stop thinking about her. it's like there is an endless obsession of becky crashing into her.
becky.
becky.
becky.
freen can't stop the noise, can't stop the voices in her head.
it was an enormous mistake spending too much time together with them because freen's missing her so badly even when she's not supposed to.
it was a mistake because her brain is yet again flashing memories from a long time ago -- memories they shared. freen's all out and drowning in these memories. she's not even sure how to handle herself when she's having episodes like this.
it's like all the changes that happened in her life don't affect this aspect of herself -- couldn't affect anything becky-related.
whenever this happens, freen gets teleported to a specific joyful moment with becky. all the new things and new people disappear. her mind won't be able to tell anymore which is reality and memory.
so she'll stay there and be happy.
she'll live in that moment as long as she can, or as long as her brain permits her to.
because she can feel becky like she's really there, touching her.
because she can hear becky's voice whispering sweet things in her ear.
because she feels complete all over again with becky beside her.
it's unfair because once the effect wears off , reality would sink in. freen would need to face the truth that while becky is moving on with her life, she's stuck at where she is. she can't run away.
hell, why would she want to run away in the first place? becky's memory is her inner sanctuary, her safe haven.
since she was a child, it was hard for freen to deal with her episodes. it was noisy and chaotic, and unsettling. she was like that for years.
she doesn't have the will to live and the drive to do anything new.
she's just living because her body won't give up on her yet.
so she went on with her life, hoping one day her suffering would end.
but everything changed when she met becky. for the first time in years, freen finally found the first beautiful thing she got stuck on, the first thing that brought her peace, the first thing that made her feel complete.
but that was a long time ago now. becky's not hers anymore. freen can't breathe, thinking mew could be hugging and kissing and touching becky at this very moment.
freen clenches her fists. no, she can't let herself drown in that.
so she wraps an arm around charlotte's waist and pulls the woman closer to kiss the base of her neck. freen's mouth slides along the other woman's skin as she kisses her way to the tender spot below charlotte's ear.
this elicits a moan from charlotte, and freen loves it.
she went on, pleasuring the woman over and over because charlotte's voice seems to pull her out of becky's memory pool.
this is the only escape she could think of because she knows that no matter what happens, becky will never be hers again.
---
"freen, what are you doing out here this early?"
freen stares at noey, then at irin, who are both having coffee outside the 24-hour coffee shop on the island.
"uh... jogging?" she says.
"at three in the morning? and why are you only wearing a shirt and track pants? aren't you feeling cold?"
freen looks around and sees how the leaves are swaying because of the wind."i don't," she says.
noey observes her friend. "are you having an attack again?"
freen couldn't answer.
"you're supposed to be sleeping, freen."
"i... i can't sleep..." freen shrugs. "aren't you two supposed to be asleep at this hour too?"
"the wedding tired us out and we end up sleeping the entire afternoon," says irin. "we woke up just now and got some coffee before our flight later."
"flight? where are you going?"
"honeymoon. duh." noey rolls her eyes. "have you forgotten you are here because you attended our wedding yesterday?"
freen scratches her head. "i did not forget. i was just out of it..."
noey folds her arms over her chest. "did you cry again?"
freen presses her lips together and looks away. "i'm fine. i'll be okay. i just need to jog around to clear my mind."
"are you sure?" asks irin. "we'll be leaving the island in an hour. you can come with us to the port."
"thanks. but i'm fine. really. you two enjoy your honeymoon. no need to worry about me."
"promise me you'll still be alive once we get back," says noey. "no scratches or whatever. okay?"
"i won't do anything to harm myself. i promise you that."
"you better not do anything stupid. it's better that i kill you here now. just let me know."irin laughs. "let's leave freen to it. she knows how to handle it more than we do."
noey sighs. "fine. just please take care of yourself, okay?"
"i will." freen nods. "i promise you i'll be fine. and thank you. please enjoy your trip for me."
noey smiles. "we'll surely do."
---
freen's head tilts up as she stifles another big yawn.
she squints. the dark sunglasses she's wearing to cover up her eyebags couldn't block much light from the sun who's now illuminating the entire island with its bright rays.
her eyes remain closed as she puts her attention back to the guide speaking in front.
"... be careful not to go out of the pathway as baboons are living in the forest," says the female tourist guide. "they are still wild animals and can be dangerous. follow only the path we marked and set for you so you won't get lost."
freen yaws again.
"are you okay?" asks charlotte, tucking her arms under freen's. "we can go back now if you're that sleepy."
"i'm fine. i'm sure i won't be able to sleep at this rate. i need to tire my body until my mind is left with no choice but to shut down."
"what's bothering you, anyway? i meant, i thought you were fine because you were wild last night."
freen chuckles. "things like this happen to me from time to time. don't worry. besides, you wanted to try this jungle adventure. i wouldn't want to miss your reunion with your long-lost family they consider as wild and dangerous animals."
charlotte smacks her. "yah! you sound like you're drunk."
"i am not drunk. i'm just..." she spots kade, emily, becky, her mom, and mew arriving.
"whaddup, freen." kade closes their distance. "hello, charlotte. i hope you had a good night's sleep."
"why, thank you. i hope you are well rested too," says charlotte. "freen here wasn't able to get an ounce of sleep tho. said she's thinking about a lot of things."
"yeah. i heard. noey called me before they left ." kade shoots freen a knowing look.
freen grunts. "ugh. that woman."
"freen!" emily comes and hugs her around her waist.
"hey, sweetie. what's up?" freen smiles.
"you're here!"
"yes, i am here. now, you be a good girl and stay on the path because it's dangerous in the forest. you got that?"
emily nods. "mmm-mmm."
"freen, are you okay?" asks becky's mom, who followed her granddaughter.
"i'm fine, ma'am. thanks for asking." freen bows, which regrets because she almost lost her balance and would have fallen flat-face on the ground.
"you just don't look like you're well..." becky's mom added.
"what's wrong?" becky approaches along with her husband.
before the older woman could speak, freen bows again. "they are about to start the tour. we'll go ahead. i hope you enjoy the adventure."
she excuses herself and drags charlotte with her.
---
freen's heartbeat rises when she sees the suspension footbridge ahead of them.
not that she fears it. hell, she's been trained in SAU for a long time. crossing a bridge is just a piece of cake.
however, she's not in her best condition right now. her brain is in its vulnerable state to go through something like this. she knows that crossing the bridge will trigger something in her brain, and she's not sure how far she'll get sucked in and how soon she can get out of that.
she was about to retreat and ask charlotte to go somewhere when she spots kade and becky's family a few metres behind them.
kade is worriedly looking at her.
freen looks ahead, convinced she should avoid them.
she bravely takes a step forward. her eyes are looking far away, finding comfort in the puffy clouds.
suddenly, the wind flares. the loud squeaks of the bridge run along its length. freen stops in her tracks and grasps the rope on the side.
"hey. are you okay?" charlotte, who's turned to the other side to admire the beauty of the mini canyon, asks.
"y-yeah..." freen composes herself and starts walking ahead again.
but her misery isn't over yet. the next thing happening is some kids jumping up and down as they pass through, causing the bridge to wiggle, sway, and bounce.
freen flinches at the movement. she whips her head to the back, only to catch the image of a monster she feared she would see.
there, at the end of the bridge, she sees the familiar creature -- monster -- standing, aiming for her.
'creeeeeeeee!'
freen closes her eyes and covers her ears.
"this is just an imagination," she whispers. "this is just my imagination."
"freen?"
she hears a voice, but it was too weak to pull her out of that memory. she looks ahead and sees her father at the other end of the bridge, cutting the rope with a knife.
"no. i'm still here..." freen ventures forward. her dad looks, getting more frightened. he speeds up his efforts in cutting the rope.
"freen?"
freen continues forward, aiming to make it to the end of the bridge. she glances over her shoulder, but the monster is following her.
she hears a rope snapping. then another. the bridge shakes again. she knows it won't be long before the bridge gives out. she reaches her hand out hoping to touch something, hoping for someone to pull her from drowning.
until someone holds her arm.
"close your eyes and focus on my voice," the voice says.
suddenly, it's quiet. "becky?"
"yes, it's me. focus on my voice, freen."
freen obeys. she can't see anything ahead of her, but she can feel the person -- or becky - guiding her. she holds the person's hand tight.
"that's good. keep walking. but don't open your eyes."
"but i--"
"i'm here, freen. you're safe. i won't let go of you. it won't attack you."
freen takes a step, and another step, then another one.
"good," says the voice. "keep going... yes, like that... just a little more... okay... now, open your eyes."
she slowly opens her eyes. becky is standing in front of her, looking worried."are you here with me now?" she asks.
"y-yeah..." freen breaks the gaze and sees charlotte approaching. kade and becky's family are following behind.
"what happened? why you looked so scared?" asks charlotte.
"it's trauma," says kade, coming over check freen's eyes. "the bridge triggered her brain into remembering a bad and a scary experience from the past,cmaking her feel like she's going through it in reality."
"i-is that possible?" chralotte looks at kade. "can the brain really do something like that?"
"yes. there are worse cases recorded, in case you want to know more."charlotte nods. "have you seen her like this before?"
"yeah. a couple of times actually. becky had seen more of it and knows how to pull freen back."
charlotte looks at becky. "is this happening often?"
"not really..." becky glances at freen. "it only happens when she experiences something painful. it's triggering her brain to go into this sort of imaginative state and any external trigger can bring her back to the past."
"freen..." emily hugs freen around the waist.
"careful, sweetie. we don't want to startle freen for now," says becky.
"but i'm worried, mommy..." emily pouts.
becky pats her daughter's head. "me too."
freen carries the kid in her arms. "hey. don't worry. i'm okay."
"you can always call me if you need to talk, freen," says kade. "you know this isn't something you can handle on your own. noey called me earlier to look out for you. she's worried."
"i know... but i'm fine..." freen softens when emily hugs her around her neck.
"can we go ahead now?" asks mew. "come here, emily."
"but i want to go with freen..."
"freen's not feeling well, baby," says becky. "let daddy carry you around."
"but i don't want to..." emily nuzzles her face in the crook of freen's neck.
mew sighs.
"hey, sweetie, it's better if you go with your dad, okay?" says freen. "your mom's right. i don't feel well."
emily lifts her head, still pouting. "okay." freen hands her back to her dad. "please rest, freen. i want you to feel better soon."
"yes, i will rest. you go ahead now and explore the forest," freen tells emily. she notices the upset look on mew's face.
"call us if you need help, okay?" says becky's mom. mew is already walking ahead of them, carrying emily in his arms.
"i will." freen nods. she and charlotte watch as kade and the family walk away from them.
"you know what, if she isn't married, i'd think that kid's mom has feelings for you," says charlotte. "i was busy taking pictures of the view and didn't notice sheccame over. she called you like twice, but you weren't responding. that's when she got more worried."
"yeah. well. she's the one who's usually helping me before," says freen. "she knows how to handle me."
charlotte looks ahead, humming.
"yeah. she sure does."