•:Someone I've Never Met:•
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My eyelids flutter, my mind still fuzzy from sleep and my overdose. The warmth wrapped around my body becomes apparent as my sleep fades and I suck in a soft breath through my nose.
Opening my eyes, landing on navy sheets bunched up between us. Traveling up before they fall on his soft plump lips and long dark lashes as he sleeps. Wearing such a soft expression but even in his sleep he's intimidating. If this odd arrangement hadn't grown to what it has between us, I'd be afraid to touch him.
His one arm wrapped under me, wrapped around my shoulders and resting at my hip while the other is draped softly over my thigh. My eyes moving back to his lips and that familiar urge to kiss him rises. It's almost as strong as my craving for oxy or any drug that'll do the same trick. Maybe it is stronger..Only it's an urge I can't fulfill. Although I can't help but wonder what he'd do if I did just catch him off guard and kiss him. Maybe he'd be different now since he's playing baby sitter to me. But I know that's ridiculous. He'd probably shove me to the ground and cut me off completely. He likes to fuck me, he doesn't want to kiss me..unless he's fucking me.
Just looking at him as that annoying warmth filling my chest and making my heart beat faster. My breathing swirl around my sore lungs.
I scoot closer to him sliding my arm under his bicep and draping it over his back, our chests pressed together as I bury my face in his chest and his chin rests on the top of my head. Breathing in his warm musky scent that makes me want to get as close to him as I can yet I can't ever get close enough. If you had asked me a month ago if I'd be lying here with Rafe Cameron. Just having overdosed and craving kissing him more than the drugs that almost killed me I would have thought you'd given me some bad acid.
I can't really place the feeling I get with him. It's just warm, and fuzzy and almost irritating but only because it can't be more and it feels like it wants to but I don't even understand that either. More how? How can I possibly know when I don't even know what it is?
Sometimes I want to rip open my chest and beat it relentlessly just to make it stop. I've given up trying to ignore it, it's too strong.
It doesn't feel like that bond I have with Sarah or Kie, or the boys. Not like the bond I have with JJ and I used to sleep with him.. It's different. And it doesn't feel like a crush. I do not have a crush on him that's just asinine, and I don't even think the term 'crush' goes beyond middle school. It just sounds silly.
I've thought about it, on nights where I can't fall asleep and I just stare at my ceiling, letting my thoughts pull me under and try to figure out just how it feels but I always end more frustrated than before.
Sometimes I just catch myself staring at him, analyzing his features and almost searching for a flaw but I find nothing, either because he's just that beautiful or my brain simply skips it over. He consumes my thoughts like he's controlling them, his laugh makes my chest swell and fuels me with something I didn't know I was missing. Maybe because it isn't something I hear out of him a lot.
Just the touch of his fingers on my skin makes my pulse spike and I swear my skin tingles whenever he touches. His voice sinks into me, soothing my nerves and making me shiver, just the warmth of his breath on my skin feels as if I've been drowned in melatonin and I could fall asleep in his arms right there.
My chest feels full, full of warmth and some fuzzy softness that's almost overbearing and drowns out the pit in my stomach that never leaves and the constant weight on my chest from all of my burdens, everything in my past and the reckless things I do to erase it. It's powerful enough to erase it all.
It feels like letting your breath out after holding it forever. It feels like the blood draining back into your arm after it fell asleep..as odd as it sounds. It just feels..radiant.
And I don't understand why.
My nose brushes against his neck as I try to scoot closer to him, his chain rubbing against my lips. Feeling the warmth of his skin. I want to kiss his neck too.. I just want to kiss him..
Not sexually..not right now. I think I'd give up sex completely if I couldn't have it with him anymore. Sleeping with anyone else has been ruined and I don't care who it is. No one will compare to him and that scares me for when it stops.
If somehow I end up married someday, I'll be lying in bed to whatever guy that was dumb enough to marry me and the only thing on my mind will be Rafe.
Where is he? Who is he with? Where did he end up?
Did he move away from here? I suppose I'll still have Sarah and I can ask her and maybe that scares me even more, to know what he's doing and where he's at and I'm not there.
A small sting in my eyes almost makes me jump as I blink them. I must be really out of it from almost dying and whatever pain medication they gave me, although they had to tip toe around it since I'm highly addicted to anything that numbs.
I blink again, blocking out the dampness that filled my vision and the ache in my chest that dances with jealousy over the fact that he will marry someone someday. Probably some kook from figure eight who wears golf skirts and whose jewelry costs more than whatever future house rent I'll have.
The worry for my future only floods in and mixes with it making a nauseating toxicity choke me.
I don't want fall in love and I don't want to be married.
I've always wanted to be a mom and I hate that I'm selfish enough that I want it so bad. I would get myself pregnant just to have that little me, someone I could fall in love with in a different way and know I could love them back as much. Whether I let the father stay in the picture or not I wouldn't be in love with them. Whoever he would he would probably be abusive if it follows the pattern of men in my life.. It wouldn't be the life eight year old me imagined.
A house on the beach with a big pool lit up by those expensive underwater lights and big patio with a pergola and fairy lights like Sarah's strung up. The smell of the barbecue while my husbands makes dinner and our kids run and play with the dogs, the sun setting over in the distance, it's light creating waves of mixed colors on the water as its warmth lingers in the air but I'd be filled with warmth even without the sun. My life would be full.
I want to fall in love but I can't, it'll hurt too much. I'll end up married to someone I don't love because if I really love them I'd run as far away from them as I can. I can't hurt someone I love so much, let them down and break them and that's just what I do, I'm so self destructive that I destroy everyone in my path and it's not fair to them. I just won't be that cruel. You can't love someone if you're too consumed in drowning in pain and the never ending torture of your past. Or maybe you can but I don't know what that looks like so instead I'll play it safe.
And in my imagination it is, in my head that's the life I'll have. It can live forever yet never happen.
And that's exactly why I shove it down, drown it out. It's like taunting myself and that's a different kind of self harm.
I'll never have that. Despite the rich aspect to it, I'll never have that kind of love. I'll end up renting some tiny beat up house on the cut and whoever I end up with will only make me wish I never met them at all, only my child if I am selfish enough to have one, will hold me together. If I don't kill myself with drugs before that and that scares me even more. What if I end up so hooked on them that I can't even see it? What if I become one of those people and I'm so brain dead by them that I mistreat my baby?
I would never do that but what if the drugs get so bad that it's not me anymore? I'm so scared..
I wrap my arm tighter around Rafe, squeezing my eyes shut as they fill up. Trying to remind myself that at least for now he's right here. He's right here, I can smell him, I can hold him, I can feel the warmth of his body against mine and the sound of his breathing. He's right here..
God I don't know why I'm so emotional..it's either from the shock of my overdose or I'm about to start my period.
"Squeeze me a little tighter, my lungs haven't ruptured yet" His tired voice pulls me from my thoughts, only now do I realize the ache in my arm from how tight it's wrapped around him.
"Did I wake you up?" I ask loosening it from around him but keeping my face buried in his neck, not wanting him to see my still damp eyes. "Just the lack of oxygen did" he mumbles, he's such an ass. His hand sliding up the back of my head as his fingers rake through my hair. Softly brushing against my scalp, being carful to avoid my bruise. Warmth flooding through me, making a shiver run up my spine. I swear my whole chest contracts and my ribs grow hands and hug my heart when I get to lay with him like this.. Or at least it feels that way, I'd probably be taken in for studies if that's actually what happens..
I hate how much I enjoy times like this, when there's nothing sexual..despite how much I crave that with him and enjoy isn't even the word but these soft warm times like this..They're dangerous and pull me under before I can distance myself from it then kick myself afterwards because it only makes me want things I shouldn't.
I've never been someone to fantasize about stupid movie moments or fairytale stories but sometimes I do let those thoughts in, stupid coffee dates or midnight drives to get ice cream or dancing in the rain..He's not who I should dance in the rain with but I want to. Even though he'd probably drown me in the nearest puddle if I suggested that.
"What time is it?" I ask, feeling his arm shift off of me before he reaches across the bed and finds his phone. "Twelve thirty" he tells me and I roll my eyes. I don't want to get up but I know I need to. Not just because I need to go talk to Aria but also because if I stay like this for him too long I'll regret it.
I can feel something bubbling, something trying to break its way in. I can't tell what but it's there and it only gets stronger and stronger the more moments like this we have and I can't have that.
I sigh, soaking in his warmth one more time before I pull away and sit up. Brushing my hands through my hair and pulling it over my shoulder. "I need to go home, Aria is probably worried sick" I tell him, glancing down at him as he types something on his phone. My eyes wandering all over his massive arms and wondering why I find the watch wrapped around his thick wrist attractive. Thats something dumb I've heard Kie and Sarah talk about, finding random things attractive in people you like but I've never experienced it.
My first boyfriend gave me butterflies sometimes when he'd do things like pick me up or lift something I couldn't but it wasn't much..Not like it is with Rafe. It doesn't make me lose my train of thought.
My god maybe the withdrawals have set in..emotional is a symptom. But I know it's too soon and hopefully if know ones touched that dumb bear I won't have them at all.. There I go again, contradicting my own mind and scaring myself.
"She is" he tells me before sitting up and I stare at him confused. How would he know? "And what is that supposed to mean?" I ask as I cross my arms, the bed shifting when he stands up, ignoring my comment and only shaking his phone at me, instantly feeling anger burn under my skin. "Is that who your texting?" I ask through my teeth as he smirks, typing something else on his phone and I hear that stupid noise it makes when a text sends. "Since when do you two text?" I grit my teeth, itching to know what they're saying. Probably talking about me like I'm mental.. I am not a fucking crazy person. only watching his smirk widen. "Since you tried to kill yourself" he tells me flatly and I sit up on my knees, despite how weak I still feel, ripping his phone from his hands but not before he clicks it off. Expecting him to rip it back but he doesn't, just watches as I swipe the screen and the passcode prompt pops up. What a fucking jerk.. He didn't have a password on it before.
I glare up at him with everything I have as he grins at me only fueling my anger more. "Since when do you have a password"
"Since someone broke into my room and read my texts" he tells me before taking his phone from me and walking off, disappearing into the bathroom leaving me wanting to punch a wall..or him.
I stare out the window, dreading the conversation I'll have to have with Aria in a few minutes. I hate having to be the one to explain myself or be the one whose scolded or even just the one who people act like they have to walk around on egg shells with like I might break. I may have overdosed but it didn't make me delicate or fragile and that's how people always act.
My ability to turn down the urge for more is what's fragile and at this point I'm not even sure it exists..
I don't want to be treated like glass. Like I might shatter if too much pressure is applied.
And now that I'm thinking about it, Rafe better not treat me that way either and changing the circumstances of our deal.. I quite like it the way it is, I don't want it to change and I swear if he stops having sex with me because he thinks I'm fragile I will lose it.
"You're not going to treat me differently are you?" I ask, as I throw my feet up on his dash, knowing it pisses him off. "Get your fucking feet down" he growls at me only making that excitement at getting to him rise. "I'll take that as a no" I taunt him as I glance over at him, meeting the way his jaw flexes when he clenches it. "And by the way..I don't appreciate you chatting about me with my sister" I tell him, reminding myself of it and feeling irritation grow.
"You don't tell me who I can talk to princess" he says and I grit my teeth as his smugness. That stupid nickname he's always used with me only making me wish I was one so I could rip my tiara off and stab him with it relentlessly.
Red would be a great color on him..
"I do when it's my sister" I hiss, pulling my feet down and sitting up when we pull into my driveway. "I'll tell you what, when you can get into my phone and delete her number, then I'll stop" he tells, putting his truck in park before smirking over at me and I shoot him a death stare..Is that a challenge? Does he want to play that game? I will throw it in the fucking ocean..
My heart sinks the second Haley's little voice connects with my ears as she comes running over to me and I crouch down in front of her. Looking up as Aria comes into the room, watching me anxiously, likes she's trying to refrain from saying something that'll freak Haley out.
"Are you feeling better?" Haley asks, her eyes round with concern as she stares up at me, her tiny hands squeezing mine. It's so odd to look at her sometimes, she looks so much like me when I was little. It's like I'm looking at my younger self only far less broken and scared. Haley hasn't had to go through what I did and I'll forever pray it stays that way.
Aria must have told her something but I know she has no idea what really happened..She wouldn't even understand it. "Yeah" I tell her before pulling her into my arms and she squeezes me. "I drew you a picture! I'll go get it" she tells me before pulling away and running off.
"You're so fucking stupid" Aria tells me before she's squeezing me a split second later and my arms fall around her. I can feel my emotions try to creep in but I shove them down as best I can. I already feel overly emotional today and the last thing I need to is to cry and look weak..especially in front of Rafe.
"Do you even know how fucking dumb you are? Can you imagine the pure horror I felt when mom called? You can't fucking do that to me" she tells me as tears start to gather in her eyes, shaking my shoulders before she pulls me back into her and I feel some crushing feeling in my chest.
No..no I can't imagine how she felt, but I can't try and imagine how I'd feel if it was her and I don't even want to think about that. I feel disgustingly nauseous even having it as a thought. "I'm sorry" I tell her.
"Are you even okay? Mom said you lungs were inflamed" she tells me, finally pulling away and wiping her eyes as I nod. "They're sore..but I'm okay" I reassure her. Both of us turning our heads as Haley comes running back into the room holding a piece of paper. Aria steps back, wiping her eyes with her sleeve before Haley can see her tears. "This is it" Haley says and I lean down to take it from her.
Feeling my heart sink even more when I see what she's drawn. Three stick figure girls. One smaller one in the middle holding the other twos hands. Having used the red crayon for the one girl and the little one in the middle while the other has brown hair. Her, Aria and I. "Do you like it?" She asks and I nod, leaning down to hug her again. "I love it"
She turns to Rafe as I move into the kitchen to hang it on the fridge. Hearing her explain to him that the reason she didn't hug him when we came in was because she went to get the drawing. Almost feeling jealous at how nice he is to her but I suppose he was right when he said I don't deserve kindness. I don't..I'm an awful person and more than anything..an awful sister.
The next fifteen minutes are filled with Aria lecturing me, my momentary sympathy for scaring the shit out of her fading after five minutes passed of me putting my head down and acknowledging what I did was stupid but I can't only take so much before I lose it, I'm far too irritated to hear it right now. She's feeling all high and mighty with Rafe as her new best friend.
It only angers me because they're talking about me behind my back like I'm a fragile mental patient and it can't be said in front of me. And maybe because he's treating her like a friend and he doesn't ever treat me like that. I still think he hates me at times with his tone and bluntness. He isn't half as harsh to Aria.
I finally escape to the bathroom before I explode and start throwing shit at their heads. I can feel the itching irritation of 'wanting more' starting to soak deeper and deeper in.
I flush the toilet, letting the cold water run over my hands a little longer than needed to wash the soap off before splashing some on my face and trying to rid the fuzziness in my head. I still feel like I can't think clearly and my legs still feel wobbly. My arms ache as if I've been carrying something heavy.
Strained like they'd feel after carrying baby Haley around for too long when she was smaller. Except my entire body feels that way, weak and fragile. My lungs feel sore and burn deep when I breathe, I can feel the scratchiness still present in the bottom of my throat and the pain in my head is still very much there.
I sigh before pulling the door open and looking down the hallway. Not seeing Rafe or Aria, my heart spiking as I practically run to my room, pausing at the cracked door before trying to listen as I hear talking. "I told you I looked everywhere" she tells him and I can feel the frustration in her voice but it's nothing compared three frustration in my chest as I throw the door open.
"Now you two are snooping through my room together?" I scoff as I walk into the middle of the room, standing in front of Rafe, feeling like I need to put myself between him and the dumb stuffed animal. Anyone else wouldn't have me worried but him?.. He's Rafe, there isn't much that gets passed him, he's always ahead of you. He's scarily smart and that scares me.
My eyes glancing over at my bed as my heart rate slows down. Seeing Haley's bear is still where I left him.. Thank god. She didn't look everywhere apparently.
I can practically feel the burning urge bust in, shattering through the walls of my overdose and flooding in, aching, begging and screaming just looking at the stupid bear. Mixing in with the terrifying sensation that swirls in my stomach as fear filled adrenaline shocks through me. It's really starting to scare me how much it's controlling me but I just can't turn it away anymore.
If it's colored blue and my better judgment is red than I am alarmingly passed purple..
I cross my arms over my chest as I suck in a deep breath. Fighting the urge to rip it off the bed and dig into the powder filled bag that holds the strings to my life now.
I stare up at Rafe as his eyes glance at me before he looks past me, flickering around the room. Sometimes flashing in them before they come back to me and narrow on mine, dancing with something scarily unreadable, making something thud in my stomach. "It's in the bear" he tells Aria not taking his eyes off of me, as they burn holes through me like he's daring me to try and move.
My entire soul falls through my stomach and floor as my eyes widen and adrenaline rushes through me. What the fuck! Does he have cameras installed? How in fucks name does he know that I put it there?
"How the fuck do you-"
"I've been in here a hundred times Alilia, you really think I wouldn't have noticed the fucking one eyed bear?" He asks flatly and I glare up at him, flipping around as Aria moves to grab it. Not being able to move a fucking inch before his arms lock around me and holds me in place and I do my best to wiggle out of his arm and kick but it's not use. "Don't you fucking dare" I shout at Aria, feeling an alarming anger shoot through me and burn my skin, making heat rise in my face as I practically growl through my teeth, my mind going blank of nothing but red.. A possessiveness I've never felt before bleeding through and suffocating me.
Ignoring her frightened wide eyed stare, he'd eyes glossing over as she looks at me like she doesn't know me. Listening to Rafe as he tells her to take it to his truck. "Let me fucking go" I growl at him, throwing myself around as much as I can with my arms pinned down. Shouting at Aria as she exits the room as fast as possible with the bear, slamming the door behind her.
"Calm down you fucking fiend" he tells me as he drags me over to my bed. "You're such a piece of shit" I hiss, feeling a nastiness I've never come close to before swallow me and take over, kissing the seams of becoming violent. Hearing him snicker as if this situation has any humor to it at all.
"Don't you have a way with words" he says, still finding the nerve to be a jack ass, forcing me to sit down on the bed as his hands wrap tightly around my wrists, keeping me from being able to move. "I swear to god I'll-"
"What? You'll do what Lily?" He asks, switching both my wrists into his one hand while the other forcefully grips my jaw, rougher than normal but not enough to hurt me.
"You won't do a goddamn thing unless you want to be in deeper shit than your already in and you should know.." he trails on, lowering his face to mine as I start to feel myself come back. "I never fucking lose" he says low, somehow making the blur of my anger falter and drain like it's physically leaving my system as my brows draw together. "Try all you fucking want Alilia, you won't win" his fingers press deeper into my jaw as my eyes start to sting, the foreignness of everything I just felt twisting my stomach into knots.
I've never shut off like that before, it was like someone possessed my body and took over.. and I couldn't stop it.. I turned into someone I've never met..
My eyes gloss over as I stare up at him feeling my lips start to quiver despite how hard I try to shove it down, the ache in the bottom of my throat burns unbearably. Watching his gaze soften as tears start to slip down my face. "Rafe.." my voice cracks, catching some shattered gaze flash in his eyes.. probably because of the way I just treated Aria..
His hand falls from my jaw and he releases my wrists, my arms falling around his neck a second later as I slide off the bed and collapse into his lap. Burying my face in his shoulder as I muster as much strength as I can to keep myself from sobbing, despite how badly I want to let it all out, I can't..I won't..
Not in front of him or anyone, but especially him.
I bite down on the inside of my cheek so hard, I taste blood. Salty and bitter.
"I don't know what happened" I tell him feeling his arm wrap around me and his hand slide up my back, drawing soft circles against my neck.
"I didn't mean-"
"I know" he cuts me off. His breath blowing down my neck calms my burning nerves. I search for the softness in his voice but it isn't there, he sounds almost angry with me and I'm sure he is. I'm beyond angry with myself but I can't fight it anymore. My addiction has become a disease and I don't know how to find the strength to even search for a cure..
"You've got to stop Lily" he tells me, I want to be irritated but his voice is so soothing to me that I can't be. It simply fades the second it rises. "That's a bit hypocritical" I tell him. He does drugs and he's really going to sit here and tell me to stop? Is he insane?
He pulls my face away from his shoulder, forcing me to look at him, his eyes narrowed on me and his brows slightly drawn together. "I haven't used drugs in almost two months Lily" he tells me and I feel a shock flood through me as if I've been electrocuted, staring at him.
Automatically assuming he's lying but I know better.. He might be an ass, he might be cruel and abuse his power but one thing he isn't is a liar..
I thought he had been using this whole time.. It crossed my mind a few times how he never seemed to be high but I never thought he quit. Now knowing only makes me feel that much worse, makes me realize how bad I've really gotten but none of it will fix the control it has now.
"Oh" is all I can find the strength to say. My natural need to be on defense twenty four seven breaking through as I clear my throat. "Then you should be the last person reprimanding me"
"I don't give a fuck what you think I should be, I'll be the first fucking person reprimanding you" he growls and I feel my regular anger flood in. It's nothing compared to what possessed me.. and I hope I never feel that again....
My irritation grows as I shift to move all his lap but he holds me in place, his fingers digging into my thighs.
Leaning in until our faces are only inches apart and my breath catches in the back of my throat. The effect he has on me still remains the only thing stronger than my addiction. "You're quitting, do you understand me?" He asks and I pull my eyes from his shaking my head, trying to block out how I'm feeling. There's too many negative emotions twisting and turning in some sickening, overwhelming tornado inside of me. It's too much to process at all but much too overbearing for having just overdosed.
"I can't just-"
He cuts me off, gripping my jaw again, squeezing just gentle enough not to induce pain as he turns my face back to his, so close I can feel his breath on my lips. "Do you fucking understand me Lily?" He repeats as my mind goes blank, my eyes flickering from his to his lips as that warmth shivers through me and all I can do is nod. "Yes" I whisper, my thoughts only consisting of the urge to feel his lips on mine but he won't..
The frightening thought of my oxy being gone suddenly hitting my like a fucking bag of bricks. I almost flinch at it as panic starts to fill me, even thinking of going without it. "Don't leave me here" I tell him as I reach up and pull his hand from my jaw, lacing our fingers together to try and hold onto the warmth, feel it soak in a fix me like it seems to repetitively do for some reason I don't understand.
Watching his brows draw together and something almost painful flicker in his eyes making my stomach fall. That look..He's probably wishing he'd never gotten involved and I don't blame him. He's getting sick of me but not as sick as I am of myself. Watching the wheels spin behind his gaze before he sighs.
"Alright" he breathes after a moment except I'm not sure how I feel. Relieved of guilty. This is what I mean...I drag everyone down.
••••••••••
I apologized to Aria who only reassured me she was okay and wanted me to go with Rafe. I suppose she feels that he can handle me better than she can and she's probably right.. Although I know he doesn't want to. He's not the kind of person to do something out of feeling bad or having remorse. He doesn't care and he'll let you know.
So I don't understand why he's doing this..because of our deal I suppose.
I was relieved to find that Sarah and Kie still hadn't returned when we got back. I want to see them, talk to them and apologize I just thought I'd have more energy and would have recovered more by now but the events from earlier only sucked me dry again. They'll be home from Chapel Hill later though and maybe I can find the strength to apologize then.
I follow Rafe up the stairs and into Sarah's room, dropping my back pack on the bed with the stuff I brought. It's just for a night or two.
My eyes glance over at him, my stomach sinking at his blank gaze as he stares off into the room, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He looks so irritated..
"Are you mad at me?" I ask and his eyes I flicker to me as the muscle in jaw tics. "Didn't I already answer that?" He asks flatly. I knew the answer..Of course he is, everyone is.. Aria, Sarah and Kie, him, my mom... The boys will be when they find out. I almost killed myself..
"Sarah won't mind having you over, you've slept over before" he tells me bluntly before he exits the room, closing the door behind him. Leaving me feeling like I just got kicked in the chest.
—Rafe—
I slam the door before I could even see the look on her face.
It shouldn't matter whose room she fucking sleeps in and it doesn't.. but it fucking does. And I knew how it would make her feel when I said it but I said it fucking anyways. I don't have any fucking filters at times..at all.
I thought I was passed fighting whatever the fuck the effect she was on me is but I had to try one more fucking time. Although I think the overwhelming fucking amount of shit weighing on me had more to do with it. She's here, she's in Sarah's room where she can't find something to snort or smoke. She's safe. I needed some fucking space after watching her flip the way she did. Freak out like she was fucking possessed. Like I was watching my mother be denied her fix all over again.
My father only denied her access to money a few times.. When the fucker could have gotten her some professional fucking help instead he'd cut her off from the funds so she couldn't buy anything but that didn't stop her. She'd find whatever fuckers would take payments after and I turned into one of those sick fucks, Lily being my victim makes me want to fucking curl over and vomit.
She acted just fucking like her..the look in her eyes like she wasn't even there.
I swear I could see her color flood back into her face as she calmed down and returned. Hearing her ask me not to leave her only gutted me more.
Feeling fucking responsible for this.. she would have gotten it from someone else if it wasn't from me..she would have and I know that but it doesn't make me any less fucking sick over it.
Just like my mother, she'd find someone to deal her and take the money later.
But when she couldn't anymore and needed money she'd lose her mind when denied. My mother would leave and some violent possessed anger would enter. She was nothing but brutal and terrifying to see as a child. It scared me as a kid to watch her hit my father but he fucking deserved especially if it wasn't enjoying for him to help her..if he had she'd..fuck!
The urge to punch something until my knuckles split open and bleed beats at my skull, my chest filling with anger as I pick up my phone and dial Liam.
Hearing him answer as I grip my phone tighter. "You alright man?" He asks after I don't answer,
Only clench my teeth so hard they feel like they might shatter.
"Talk" I tell him.
"Just fucking talk"
I couldn't fall asleep for what felt like hours. Despite never wanting to more. I want my fucking mind to shut off right fucking now.
Sarah came in to check on me and I feel like fucking shit for being as short with her as I was knowing she's been hopeful for the healing in our relationship. I knew she and Kiara were here to deal with Lily and baby sit for me. She's safe and being watched at least I can fall the fuck asleep with that fuck of reassurance. The rest of it can fuck off for now.
My eyes snap open as something nudges me before the bed shifts. "What the fuck" I growl as Lily climbs over me, the moon flooding in the window reflects off her red hair. Relaxing me from punching whoever the fuck is crawling over me.
"I can't sleep" she tells me as she crawls into bed next me and pulls the covers over herself. "I'm sleeping here and I don't care what you say" she says, yanking my arm out from behind my head before wiggling herself up against me and turning away. That stupid fucking warmth filling my chest as it tightens, feeling her body against mine.
It's been fucking torturous having her against me and not fucking her. I'll never understand the fucking hold she has over me, the craving to be inside of her. Nobody feels like her, no one ever fucking will. I grit my teeth, only thankful I'm as fucking tired as I am or I'd be losing my mind needing inside of her right now. Feeling her ass against me in her skimpy pajama shorts.
I won't try and fuck her when her lungs are as delicate as they are right now, we have a tendency to leave ourselves panting like fucking dogs and that can't be good for her irritated lungs.
"You're annoying" I tell her as I turn on my side and tug her all body into me, hearing exhale softly as if she's comfortable this way. I wrap my arm around her, pushing her hair off her neck before lying down and pulling her as close as I can. Inhaling her sweet cherry and vanilla scent that drives me up a fucking wall. I can smell that shit on my sheets, on my pillows after she's been in my bed and fuck..
She's so soft and warm yet makes me want to fucking punch something every minute of the day. She's infuriating especially when she almost fucking killed herself. The thought only making my stomach fucking turn as I wrap my arm tighter around her and drop my chin into the crook of her neck, her soft warm skin brushing against my lips and I shut my eyes. That goddamn tightness only thickening in my chest as I try to ignore it but it's getting to fucking strong.
Her hand reaches down and brushes mine that's resting against her stomach before she laces her fingers with mine. Trying to subtly shift to press into me, feeling my breath against her neck. She thinks I don't know what she's doing which only makes me want her more. "You're not sly" I mumble against her skin and she murmurs softly..making my ribs feel like their about to fucking break. For fucks sake, I don't fucking care anymore.
"Fuck" I mumble before pressing my lips to her neck and she whimpers softly, her fingers tightening around mine as I press them into her tummy. Wanting to suck on her soft sensitive skin but knowing I won't be able to fucking stop if I even dare. It would be too much for her lungs right now and I won't fucking hurt her.
"Go to sleep" I tell her, as I kiss her neck once more before dropping my head against the pillow, the back of her hair brushing my lips as I breathe in her sweet scent.
Feeling as if I've just accepted some fucking challenge I'm not aware of.
Hey guys! what do you think!! You'll get to see the conversation between Lily, Sarah and Kie in the next chapter!
What do you think Rafe and Lily are feeling?
How do you think Lily is going to deal with her addiction?
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Pssst...next chapter.. •:Ice Cream:•
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