It was a rare sunny day when I was discharged from the hospital. It has been raining continuously for several days. When I woke up in the morning and saw the warm golden sun outside the window, the gloom in my heart was swept away.
I packed my things, thanked the doctors and nurses, and left the hospital. I picked some things on the street and planned to go see Xiao Yiyi, the little girl I met in the garden that day. I have gone over to see her often these past few days and have gotten to know her family a lot. It was appropriate to say goodbye after she was discharged from the hospital.
When I went there, the little girl had just woken up, and her mother was feeding her. When she saw me coming, she called her "Uncle Mu", with rice still in her little mouth and her cheeks bulging.
"Why are you here so early today? Have you had breakfast?" When her mother saw me, she hurriedly wanted to get up and say hello politely. I waved her hand to signal her to leave me alone, "It's okay. I was discharged from the hospital today. I came to say goodbye to you."
"Are you feeling well? It's great. We still have to endure it." Yiyi's mother sighed with a smile.
"It's okay. After getting through this, Yiyi will be healthy and safe for the rest of her life." I walked over and put all the fruit snacks and toys I bought for her on the table. Little Yiyi's eyes lit up immediately. She wanted to reach out but turned to look at her mother with some hesitation.
Yiyi's mother immediately became anxious. She put down the bowl and came over to take everything back, saying repeatedly that she couldn't have it.
"How much is this little thing worth? Just because she calls me Uncle Mu, can't I buy her something?" I became more determined. It happened that Yiyi's father called her at this time and asked her mother to go downstairs to get something. She really couldn't help me, so she had to put the things away with a blushing face and thanked her profusely.
"Go quickly, I'll help you look after her here." I sat next to little Yiyi and took the bowl on the cabinet to feed her.
"Oh, why bother you so much to let her eat by herself..."
"Go quickly. Her father must be waiting in a hurry." If she kept saying this, she would go on forever. I quickly interrupted her, and Yiyi's mother thanked her profusely before going out. I smiled and shook my head. This family was so simple and adorable.
When little Yiyi's meal was almost finished, I put down the bowl and took out an envelope from my bag, "Yiyi, this is a gift from your uncle." I carefully put the envelope under little Yiyi's pillow. Look at me curiously with your big eyes open. "But this gift is very special. You have to promise your uncle that you can tell your mother and ask her to open it for you after your uncle leaves."
"Can't you open it now?" Xiao Yiyi was completely attracted by me and asked nervously.
"No, if you open it now, the gift will disappear." The little girl looked so funny, I lowered my voice and teased her: "The witch will use magic to change it away."
"Don't go away!!" Xiao Yiyi hurriedly pressed her hand on the pillow, as if a witch would really appear in the next second and take away the envelope. I smiled and touched her head, "So promise uncle, okay?"
"Okay!" Xiao Yiyi nodded seriously. I reached over and pulled the hook with her, making her giggle again.
After Yiyi's parents came back, I said goodbye to the whole family. Before walking out of the ward, I looked at the happy family of three again, silently blessed them in my heart, and then turned around and left.
Inside the envelope was a bank card and a letter with a password.
I told them in the letter that I was an orphan and had an incurable disease. I had decided to give up treatment. I only had a few days left to live, so money was of no use to me. I might as well help their family, who were destined to me. If I didn't make up a clear reason like this, this honest and stubborn couple would probably keep the card for me and never use the money on it.
After leaving the hospital, I chose a beautiful bouquet of flowers at the flower shop and bought two boxes of mung bean cakes. I took a taxi to the cemetery. When I got off the bus, I was a little surprised. The air here was so quiet and beautiful. It was really a good place. I first asked the cemetery management office about the cemetery where my mother was located, and it took me a long time to find it.
There is a photo of her when she was young on the tombstone. The figure is a bit blurry. I don't know where it was found. The monument platform is clean, with vividly carved small stone lions on both sides.
I stood there, not knowing what to say. It took me a long time to remember to put down the flowers and mung bean cake.
"Um...I bought your favorite mung bean cake..."
"I'm here to see you."
I seem to have overestimated my mental capacity.
I had imagined a lot before, and because I had already made plans, I thought I would be very calm. But at this moment, standing here, looking at the people who used to be living and laughing and moving, suddenly turned into cold stone monuments, my heart suddenly swept away. The tremendous pain immediately stunned me. The scenes of my mother and I getting along flashed through my mind, and my nose suddenly felt sore and uncomfortable. Before my eyes blurred, I coughed hard, turned my head and took a few deep breaths.
I don't want to cry, there's nothing to cry about. I won't be so cruel to myself and let myself live in guilt and pain all my life, so there is nothing to cry about. Everything will be over soon. Thinking of this, I feel calm.
"The scenery here is really nice." I turned around and faced the tombstone and said with a smile. There were lush trees all around. It was probably sunny and the breeze was just right. Even this kind of place would not make people uncomfortable. I just felt peaceful and quiet.
"It's really... it's been so long that I don't know what to say." I touched my nose uncomfortably. In fact, there are many things that I can say, but there are many things that I don't want to say. To be honest, there is nothing that makes people happy, and there is no good news to report. I simply didn't speak again, I just sat down and stayed with her quietly, listening to the "swishing" sound of the leaves blown by the wind, without thinking about anything.
I sat like this all afternoon and left when the sun went down. I just came to make sure she was okay and to see what the place where she was sleeping was like. Now I feel relieved and there is nothing to worry about anymore.
When I was sitting in the taxi going back to the city, I felt a little tired and it was hard to breathe. The thing that had been supporting me since I woke up from that dream finally reached its limit, and I seemed to be able to hear the sound of it collapsing and cracking.
When I was almost there, I parked the car on the side of the road and walked slowly towards Pingqiao Park.
There were a lot of people when we arrived at the park, mostly people who came out to play sports after eating. I walked through the crowd and sat down on a stone bench by Pingqiao Lake. There is an old man playing chess next to him, and in the distance, children who have just learned to walk are running around shaking their calves under the care of adults. I looked at them leisurely, and occasionally I couldn't help but laugh along with the laughter of the crowd.
"Kick forward! What are you afraid of? I'll support you from behind!" Next to them, two good-looking boys from high school were learning to ride a bicycle.
"Hold the front of the car and don't tilt it!...Don't tilt it, don't tilt it, ahhhhh...ahhh!!!" With a bang, both of them fell to the ground. The boy who was holding the car was so angry that he bared his teeth and pinched the other boy. Face, the person who was being strangled turned around and strangled his neck, and the two of them started fighting.
I was watching it funny, and suddenly I thought of Yi Tian and me. Thinking of that time when he wiped the blood on his hands after the fight and left, I followed him and asked him, "Thank you, classmate", "What's your name, classmate?" "Classmate, let's make friends," I kept asking him all the way. At first he ignored me, but then he got so annoyed by me that he stopped and looked at me like I was mentally ill and said, "Are you not fucking sick?" I couldn't help but hold back when the imaginary hero of justice said this. It took a long time for her face to turn red before she managed to say: "I'm not sick."
I laughed out loud as I thought about it. I don't know where I got the courage at that time. I chased him and followed him every day, but he was so annoyed that he glared at me and scolded me, so I still wouldn't leave.
I was so lonely and wanted a friend so much but I had such low self-esteem that I never dared to approach others. I have experienced so many bullies and insults since I was a child, and he was the only one who saved me. Even when I was beaten with blood on my head by my adoptive parents when I was a child, my neighbors just called the police and looked at me from a distance with pitiful and sympathetic eyes. No one even wanted to come up and help me wipe the blood on my face. I suddenly met Yi Tian like this, and I couldn't see anything but him.
I still remember the first time he smiled at me a month after we met.
I heard that he was sick, so I took the porridge I cooked to see him. It took me a long time to find his home. Before I could recover from the shock of the fountain in the garden of his house, a dog ran towards me. I didn't know at the time that it was a husky that was harmless and familiar to others. I only saw that the dog was tall, strong and looked like a wolf and I was so scared that I ran away. I don't know how long I ran in the garden. Finally, I was too tired to run anymore. The dog threw me to the ground from behind. My face was buried in the grass. The porridge in the thermos was also knocked over and someone sat on my back. a dog. When I struggled to sit up with my face covered in grass and mud, I found Yi Tian not far away, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that he almost squatted on the ground. At that moment, listening to my own heartbeat that was getting faster and faster, I just felt that if he could always be so happy, I could just bury my face in the grass for the rest of my life.
I recall those warm images over and over again.
Only now do I dare to admit that I have never stopped loving him for a second.
When I close my eyes, I see his eyes, the corners of his pursed lips, and the breath on his body. Only in my memories can I look at him, talk to him, blame him, and miss him unscrupulously. Later, I fell in love with him so much that I lost my mind. Every day, I was tortured crazy by the longing and paranoia in my heart, so I did stupid things in a daze. My results today are entirely caused by myself. I don't blame anyone. I only hate myself.
I have lived for more than twenty years just to prove to my biological parents that they made a mistake in giving birth to me.
The night got deeper and deeper, and there were fewer and fewer people around. Finally, even the couples sitting by the lake left, leaving me alone. I got up and walked to the lake. The lake was deep and turbid under the night, and I couldn't see anything.
When my body came into contact with the lake water, I couldn't help but shiver. It was cold, bitingly cold. It was as if someone was using an ice drill to chip away at the skin, flesh and bones bit by bit and then penetrate into the bone marrow. Tiny pinprick pains spread all over the body.
When the lake water is above your head, you can still vaguely see the blurry shadows of the trees on the edge of the lake. Water pours into your mouth and nose from all directions, and slowly sinks, and you can't see anything.
My chest started to hurt and I closed my eyes.
Throughout my life, I have always stumbled and even suffered a bloody head.
I also had the idea of giving up because the road was too bumpy, but in the end I persisted. Because I want to meet someone I trust and like, because I want to be loved, and because I want to be happy.
Unfortunately, I failed myself in the end.
That... what if.
If there really is a god, if there really is an afterlife, give me a home.
END.