Dearest Penny,
I hope this letter finds you well.
My journey home was perilous and took far too long. However, I did receive good news upon my arrival. Mother was awake in bed, the worst of her illness having passed recently. It will still take a few weeks but the doctor is confident she will recover fully. I have told her a lot about you. As I predicted, she is excited to meet you.
I miss you. I remind myself it's only a matter of time before we can start our new life together, full of adventure and laughter, but it still feels too long.
Once my affairs are settled, I will be traveling to London to see you. I know your Mama will not take kindly to me but I hope to win her over with my intelligence and wit (I'm envisioning the mocking smile on your lips as I write this). If all else fails, I shall win her approval through jewelry, as you suggested. Hopefully that will alleviate her concerns about an untitled son-in-law.
Love,
Arthur.
Penelope read the letter again, smiling to herself. While she and Arthur could converse for hours, his letters tended to be short and to the point. And though they lacked a writer's flair, his letters still felt distinctly like him and she appreciated that.
With other men she was shy and tongue-tied, and they were never interested in her anyway, but Arthur Debling had been different. At a dinner gathering in Ayleshire, it was he who had approached her, and once she got over her initial shyness the conversation flowed between them. Perhaps it was because he was a merchant and not a member of nobility, but from the very beginning he treated her with respect and a matter-of-fact stance rarely displayed by others. To him she wasn't some woman in desperate hunt for a husband or an awkward, shy wallflower to be avoided at all times. She was Penelope Featherington and she was enough.
For the first few weeks there had been no romantic intentions, they simply talked of art and poetry. Over time she came to see he possessed a brilliant scientific mind that he went out of his way to hide. Only when she questioned him did he finally admit he was embarrassed of his intelligence and felt the need to dampen his curious mind from others. That was the first night she started to see him in a different light.
"Penelope!"
The sound of Mama's voice brought Penelope out of her reverie. After hiding the letter, she made her way toward her mother's chamber in the opposite corner of the hallway. Portia was already dressed for bed and brushing her hair when Penelope entered the room. "Yes, Mama?"
The older woman cast her a quick glance in the mirror. "Lady Violet has invited us for tea tomorrow afternoon."
Pen paused. Tea at the Bridgertons meant seeing Eloise and perhaps even Colin. "I will be in-"
"And before you come down with a sudden case of illness, I will remind you that personal invitations of this nature have been rare of late. We can not afford to turn down any, let alone the Bridgertons."
Between the Marina scandal and then Cousin Jack, there were many who no longer wished to associate with the Featheringtons. While that was a relief for Pen, she knew the slow exclusion really hurt Portia even if she did hide the pain behind a mask of angry condescension.
"Yes, Mama. I understand."
"Good. Now get some sleep, child. I will not have you looking haggard tomorrow."
Penelope sauntered back to her chamber, her mind still reeling. No doubt Eloise would be present and angry with her. Would she at least pretend to be polite? Pen didn't know. So far they had mostly avoided each other, except for the ball last week when Eloise had warned her to stay away from Colin.
After entering the chamber, she was busy locking the door when a noise startled her.
"Pen."
Colin's throaty growl made her gasp, her body suddenly taut.
Hesitant, she turned around.
It had been two days since she last saw him at the park. And now he was here in her chamber, shamelessly sitting at the edge of her bed. Hair tousled, clothes messy and disheveled, he stared at her intently. His face was unshaven, revealing a stubble growth of a day or two. Instead of taking away from his looks, however, it only emphasized his handsomeness more.
Her heart started pounding in her chest, both from the anger that flooded through her veins and the knowledge that his hold upon her was still so potent. "How did you get in here?" she asked, keeping her voice steady so he couldn't sense how much his presence unnerved her.
"I climbed up the tree and through the window."
As if violating her privacy was a daily occurrence for him.
"You're so very determined to ruin me, aren't you?"
"I was careful. No one saw me."
"Well, that makes it alright then."
"I didn't take you as the sarcastic sort, Pen."
"Add it to the growing list of things you don't know about me."
He didn't respond, his eyes locked with hers.
The silence between them grew more tense by the second while they held still, as if a single movement could ignite a fire that would burn them both.
And then he stood up. "Do you know why I'm here, Pen?"
There was a button missing from his waistcoat, dirt on his breeches, and he had never looked more beautiful than he did at that moment. Her heart flipflopped in her chest. "I don't care. I simply want you to leave."
A bitter smile shadowed his lips. "Because it's that easy for you, isn't it? You've moved on already."
"Yes." The strength in her voice surprised even her when all she felt was anxiety twisting up her insides. "It's time you do the same."
"Don't you think I've tried? That I've been trying?" Anger laced his words, hurt etched onto his face. "You don't want to have anything to do with me yet I can't imagine a single moment of my life without you. Why is that, Pen?"
With a slow and deliberate gait, he swaggered forward.
"Why can't I stop thinking about you? Your voice, your smile, your taunts..." He tapped the side of his temple erratically, eyes heavy with emotion. "Always in my fucking mind, refusing to give me even one moment of peace. You've been torturing me!"
With every step that drew him closer, waves of madness surged through her body. She didn't want to feel like this, like her mind and body were completely out of her control.
"Why is this happening to me, Pen?" His voice cracked. "Why do I feel this way?" He clutched his heart, his long, lean fingers rubbing the spot over his waistcoat repeatedly. "It didn't used to be like this, I was fine before! But now I think about you leaving me and it's like I can't breathe. Like a part of me will be lost forever."
Her eyes softened. The man standing in front of her wasn't the one who broke her heart. In his place was her dear friend, the boy she had known her entire life and loved for as long, and he was pleading for her help. "That empty feeling will go away, Colin. I promise." She took a furtive step toward him. "You've only just returned, your life probably feels untethered with everything changing around you. But give it time, let yourself settle in, and things will be better."
He stopped in his tracks. "Nothing will ever be the same without you."
"It will, I promise." She sent him a sad smile. "You will meet someone beautiful and kind, and she will be everything you ever wanted. The true love of your life. And this sadness that you feel right now will become a distant memory."
A beat of silence followed as he contemplated her words.
Would the agonizing pain that coursed through her at the thought of him with another woman ever lessen? She didn't know. Maybe with time and distance she would be free of this curse, but for now he was still very much embedded in her soul and the eventual reality of him falling in love made her want to retch.
"Is that what you think will happen for you, Pen? You'll marry this Arthur and make me a distant memory?"
There was no outward change in him yet she immediately sensed the shift within.
He cocked his eyebrow. "Do you think I will let that happen?"
She stared at him defiantly as he approached her. "You have no say in my life."
"But I do, Pen." The glint in his gaze sharpened, making his blue eyes appear even darker. "Because it's me you're in love with. It's me you swore never to forsake." He came to a stop in front of her, forcing her to look up at him. "I intend to hold you to that."
Her anger returned. "And I intend to fight you. Because I will not sacrifice my future to appease your selfishness."
"I know," he sighed, regret looming over his face. "I should never have asked you to do that. But that's why I'm here, Pen. I want to make things right between us."
Her demand to know how died on her lips as soon as he retrieved something out of the pocket of his waistcoat. Stunned, she stood frozen as he held out an emerald ring, one she recognized right away from having seen Lady Violet wear it occasionally.
"My father gifted this to my mother on their tenth anniversary." There was reverence in his voice as he spoke. "I think he chose it especially for the colour. It's remarkable, isn't it?"
She swallowed, nodding. "Yes, it's beautiful."
"This has always been my favourite of mother's jewelry. I knew one day I would gift it to my wife."
Her mind went blank.
"And maybe now is that time." He bent down on one knee in front of her, holding up the ring. "Will you marry me, Penelope Featherington?"
Time stopped.
For so long all she wanted was to be Colin's wife. In her mind marrying him meant she would finally be happy and fulfilled. He would be the perfect husband, and she would be a member of the happy and loving Bridgerton family at last. All her dreams would finally be realized.
Except she wasn't happy or even excited. The man she loved was on his knees, proposing to her, and all she could think about was how wrong it all felt. The proposal didn't come from a place of love. No. Instead it was borne out of fear and a stubborn refusal to grow up. A last resort so he didn't have to face losing their friendship.
Then there was Arthur. With him she didn't have to hide, she could be who she truly was and not have to apologize for it. And she could continue to write, whether that be as Lady Whistledown, someone new or even herself, and do so without shame or regret.
Colin may have been her lifelong dream but that didn't mean she couldn't have new ones. And with Arthur, the life she wanted was within her grasp. A true possibility rather than simple fantasy.
Immediately she felt a sense of peace, knowing she was doing the right thing for herself. "I've already said this to you before. I'm betrothed to another."
In one fluid motion he slid the ring back into his pocket before rising to his full height. He had always towered over her but that had never intimidated her before. For the first time she felt a small twinge of fear percolating in her stomach, realizing the stark darkness on his face was also new.
He was quiet, too quiet, stalking her every move with his eyes, slowly pushing forward. A predator enjoying the rituals of the hunt, preparing his prey for the kill. Instinctively she retreated, moving back until the door lodged against her spine. He continued to move in, slowly but ferociously, invading every inch of her space until he was standing directly in front of her. She craned her neck to meet his stare, refusing to bow down.
"Is that a no, Penelope?"
She couldn't think with him so close but she held strong. "Yes."
"Even though you're in love with me and not fucking Arthur."
Maybe he thought throwing her love back in her face would embarrass her into submission but it had the opposite effect. Infuriated, she stood on her tiptoes to glare up at him. "So what? You think you can use my feelings to manipulate me?" She shook her head no. "I have dreams that matter to me far more than my love for you. And I will not jeopardize my chance to achieve them just for scraps of your attention."
Her words were meant to provoke his temper so he would withdraw. Instead his eyes softened as he hunched lower to look at her, his gaze roaming languidly over her face, a gentleness to them that made her insides dance with anticipation. She trembled when his hands cupped her cheeks while he studied every inch of her features, as if marking her in his memory. And then his thumb gently brushed over her pout, his dark blue eyes following the tremor of her lips, and all she could do was breathe slowly, tentatively, her heart drumming in her chest.
"I used to think you were the sweetest person I knew. Always so kind and agreeable," he murmured, more to himself than her. "And easily forgotten."
It hurt. Even though she had always known that that's how people viewed her, if they bothered to see her at all - but to have him admit it was a different kind of pain. "Then forget me. Leave."
He didn't move, his gaze concentrated on her lips, thumb stroking left to right, right to left. "And now I can't get this impertinent mouth of yours out of my head."
It came as a shock when she realized Colin was hard, his erection pressed against her body. "You're aroused."
He met her eyes. "I'm aware."
She swallowed audibly. "Why?"
Irritation surged through him. "You're here, dressed in a robe with your beautiful hair down, talking to me, arguing with me, breathing around me, and you ask me why I'm aroused?" His hands slid down her body until they were at her waist, fingers curving into her sides as he pressed her tightly against him.
A faint gasp escaped her lips feeling his hardness.
"I want you, Pen," was his raw, throaty plea. "I can't stop."
"Show me." Her voice was firm, determined. "Show me how much you want me."
To be continued...