•:Not Letting You Out Of My Sight:•
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—Rafe—
My eyes flicker to the monitor again, watching the lines remain consistent as it monitors Lily's heartbeat.
Resting my chin back down against the top of her head and my nose is filled with her sweet cherry and vanilla scent.
Scared doesn't even fucking begin to describe how I felt when I saw her passed out. Her lips blue and her chest not moving. My entire fucking soul left my body when I pressed my fingers under her jaw and felt nothing..Silently screaming for my mother to help me, help her. Pressing them deeper into her flesh, nothing and then the faintest throb hit my fingers.
She wouldn't wake up, even after I gave her the Narcan.. She wouldn't fucking wake up.. Her lips only got bluer and bluer and I swear her eyelids started to turn purple. I couldn't even feel heat under her nose from her breath. My mind went blank, blank of anything but pure fucking horror I started pushing down on her chest, trying not to break her rips but needing her fucking heart to keep beating.
Every sense I had stopped working. I couldn't hear Sarah sobbing, I couldn't hear the sirens blaring, or feel my own heart fucking pounding behind my ribs, or my pulse about to burst through my throat. I just needed to wake her up.
Seeing her like that awoke a fear I've never felt before..a fear I never want to feel again and what scared me even fucking more was that I had seen her like that before.. The first night I went to her house and found her overdosing but even then she had a stronger pulse, I could at least see her chest moving. But I didn't care. I saved her so she wouldn't die and it would be on my hands for leaving her but I didn't care.. I didn't fucking care about her and the thought makes me violently fucking ill
I lost my mother that way, I couldn't lose Lily the same way.
I've felt sick the entire night. Fucking kicking myself for not taking that shit from her when I found it but I didn't think she was using it. It hadn't been touched the last time I saw it.
I don't think I'll ever stop fucking kicking myself for selling her what I had. I never would have sold anyone fucking crushed oxy, I might as well have killed then on the spot then give them that shit but I did sell her pills and other shit. With the understanding she'd follow the deal and sell it herself and get the money back to pay it off but I knew better than to believe anyone who told me that fucking story. Again, I didn't give a fuck what she did with it as long as I got my fucking money back.
She would have gotten it from Barry or that fucker or found someone else if I hadn't but it still makes me fucking ill to know I gave her anything.
Thinking of it only makes me want to pound my fists into a fucking tree until they're black and blue, fucking busted and bleeding.
My eyes move to the door as it pops open and the light from the hospital hallway slowly floods in before Katie steps in, pulling a rolling cart with her before quietly closes the door behind her. Her eyes coming to mine before the fall into a flat smile and she tip toes over to us. Her brows drawn together and her eyes round with concern as she looks down at Lily. A soft sigh leaves her lips as she reaches down and takes Lily's hand, slipping the oxygen monitor on her fingers before watching the numbers go up. A look of relief washing over her face before she takes it off but keeps Lilys hand in hers, pulling it to her lips before pressing a kiss to her palm and closing her fingers around it before lying her arm softly back down.
"Is her oxygen steady?" I whisper and she nods before twisting some cord up and shoving it into the cart. "Everything's gone back to normal, I'll listen to her lungs when she wakes up" she tells me brushing her hand over Lilys forehead as she sleeps against my chest. "Rafe I can't even.." she starts to speak but presses her lips together like she's trying to keep from crying. "I don't even know how to thank you, if you hadn't been there..she'd..she'd.." she pulls her hand up over her mouth before taking in a long deep breath but even in the darkness I can see her eyes gloss over making my chest thud.
"I had no idea.." she breathes, her eyes flickering back down to Lily. "None of us did" I tell her. It isn't a lie, not completely. I really didn't know she was smoking it.. It only clicked tonight when I saw how quickly it pulled her under. Nothing else would have spread so fast, not even the pills.
"I feel like I failed her, she's in pain and it's been happening right in front of my eyes..How could I have not seen it? Noticed her behavior change?" She asks but it comes out sounding like more of a question to herself than me and I shake my head. "She's a good liar" I tell her honestly and she presses her lips into a line. "I want to be angry with her..I am but she's been through so much. I'm always so scattered brained with work and trying to keep food on the table that I don't even think about it. I try to check in with her but she's so closed off" she rambles softly. An odd feeling of remorse shivering through me.
They're lives seem so..stressful, full of worry even. My parents being overworked or stressed out was never a thought to me..Because they weren't.. I suppose thats the difference in not having money and having it.
"This isn't your fault Katie, this has been going on for a while" I explain, watching the way she watches Lily with nothing but love in her eyes. Making some sinking feeling fill my chest. I miss my mom.
"Losing her friends just killed her..I felt so guilty for thanking god the way I did that he didn't take her with them but how could I not? She's my child and I came so close to losing her. But I think she feels like she she died with them that night, or at least the happy little girl I knew did" she explains and I feel my stomach turn as my eyes flicker down to her.
Her expression so soft as she sleeps, her cheek pressed against my chest. Her fiery red hair scattered out across my arm and the pillow. The oxygen tube under her knows sending an eeriness through me.. I don't like seeing her like this.
"She doesn't open up much" I tell her and she nods. "She's quite..stand off ish I suppose" she tells me. That's a watered down way to put it. She's a fucking smart ass. "She bottle's everything up, she doesn't like to show emotion" she adds.
That's the fucking truth. The only time I've ever seen her show emotion is when she's on the edge of breaking down or my asshole self scared her half to death. Thinking of that only makes me want to curl over and vomit. "I honestly don't know if I can name someone aside from her friends that she hasn't pushed away" she tells me and I feel my brows draw together wondering what she means by that. Who has she pushed away?
"But she sure likes you" she clears her throat pulling me from my thoughts, that comment sitting even more odd with me. She does not fucking like me. I'm pretty sure she fucking hates me aside from badgering me to kiss her all of the time.. I'm pretty sure she just likes to fuck with me although sometimes I swear she looks sad when I don't kiss her and she as fuck looked defeated when I told her it meant nothing when we did..
Maybe she doesn't hate me.
"You have to promise me you'll help her through this" Katie says and my eyes flicker back to her as she places her hand over mine that's resting on my knee. "She'll be a mess and I need to know she has someone who can handle it" she says and I nod. I can handle it.. I've dealt with it in myself, I can deal with it with her. "I will"
"Promise me" she says her blue eyes round with concern only making my chest tighten. I swear sometimes my brain tricks me into thinking she's my mother sometimes and it always gutted me to see her sad.
"I promise"
—Alilia—
"This is stupid" I mumble as I sit up and pull the oxygen tube off my face, raking my fingers through my hair. After Rafe said he was getting my mom.
"Well what you did was pretty fucking stupid" Rafe grumbles as he pulls his shoes on and I glare at him.
My head feels less fuzzy this morning but still hurts like hell. Apparently I hit it pretty good when I feel but got away with just a nasty headache and bruise on the back of my head. My lungs are wheezy and feel weak and my nasal passages feel scratchy and sting. I feel pretty weak, like it's hard to lift my arm but I can stand and walk.
"Don't I get some sort of sympathy for being the one in the hospital?" I ask as I watch him stretch his arms above his head and the butterflies in mg stomach go wild. "Not when your the one that put yourself in here" he tells flatly and I again glare at him. He is so blunt..such an ass.
"You're not very nice to me" I mumble as he walks over to the side of the bed, my heart spiking when he brushes his fingers under my chin and makes me look up at him. A small smirk on his lips but his brows drawn together. "Do you know how many times I've saved your life?" He asks as he lowers his face to mine and my breath catches in the back of my throat as my eyes flicker between his and his lips. "About as many times as I've put it in danger?" I ask, even in the painful state I'm in, I can still find the spark to say something smart ass to try and get a reaction out of him. It's just so fun.
"You're infuriating" he says before his nose brushes mine and he pulls away. "Says you" I mutter. If anyone is infuriating it's him. He'd win an award if there was one.
"I'm getting your mom" he tells me, ignoring my comment and I huff in annoyance, crossing my arms. I'm not ready for that conversation. I know she was in and out of here all night, checking on me and my vitals and talking with Rafe while he lied next to me. I only woke up for a brief second so I didn't hear what they were saying but I wish I had.
The last thing I want to do is hurt my mother or cause her any fear or fret and I'm not even sure those are stronger enough emotions or words to describe how she must of felt when she heard her daughter had overdosed. I feel horrible, guilty doesn't even cut it. I'm an awful friend, I'm an awful sister and now an awful daughter.
I used drugs to try and cover up the people who hurt me yet all it did was cause me to hurt the people I love.
What an odd cruel twist.
I'm not sure what will happen now. Now that my mother knows, the pogues know, Rafe knows.. but he already did. He just didn't know how bad it was and I'm not sure if he would have cared if he did or why he does now but regardless he does and getting anything past that man will be utterly impossible.
I'm sure Aria knows if she's spoken to Sarah or Kie or our mom. They'll all be watching me like a hawk.
They can't possibly expect me to just stop. Especially Rafe when he knows how hard it is to quit and just so suddenly. My stomach turns and I feel a nauseating shiver run through me as I drop my face into my hands and rub my temples. I want to stop but I don't.. I don't want to do the drugs but I want the way they make me feel. I couldn't care less about the high, only the numb. The way it masks my emotions and drowns out the screams and pain of my past. Every horrible thing that has ever happened to me.. What my father did to me at nine, what he did again, The accident, murdering my two best friends, what Kade did..everything he did.. It's all tucked into a suitcase and buried beneath layers and layers of effort to forget it and tied up with the intoxicating ribbon of drugs.. opioids and narcotics. And once my system is drained dry of them it'll all unravel, bust open at the buckles and fly around, drowning me in it all over again.
"Oh my baby" my mother sings dramatically as the door pops open and she's by the bedside in a matter of seconds. Her hands cup my face as I feel guilt rush through me. "Hi mom" I mumble softly before she pulls me into a hug. "I am so so angry with you" she tells me and I nod against her shoulder. I knew she would be and she has every right to be. "But I'll save that conversation for later, right now I'm just happy you're okay" she tells me as she pulls away, her blue eyes filled with tears. Aria looks so much like her I'm almost envious. To me my mother has always been the most beautiful woman in the world, I think every kid thinks that about their mom and yet I look nothing like her.
"I'm sorry" I tell her as she squeezes my hands. "We'll discuss it later" she says and I nod. Feeling relieved she's letting it go for now. At least until I can recover a bit. "I'm not off until later so Rafe is taking you back to his house" she tells me and I stare up at her like she's nuts..I do not need a baby sitter, especially fucking Rafe. "What? I don't need to be babysat"
"Don't argue with me young lady, you have shown that you can't be left alone so yes you better bet your ass you will be babysat" she tells me as I grumble in annoyance as she shushes me with her hand, beginning to unhook me from the monitor.
Walking out of the hospital was more irritating than I thought it would be but I was not about to sit in a fucking wheelchair like my mother had offered.
I'm weak, so weak.. and tired. I suppose almost dying will do that to you. And the wheezing in my lungs and burn in my throat only reminds me of when Kade choked me. I can already feel the memories trying to invade their way in making my brain beg for something to stop it..This is going to be fucking torture and I'm terrified.
I was almost relieved when Rafe said Sarah and Kie had to leave to go to Chapel Hill for some dress appointment for midsummers. I had forgotten I was supposed to go with them until he told me. Only making me feel more guilt about ruining that and our sleepover but slightly relieved I didn't have to see them and their tears and all the pain and wordy I've caused them. At least not yet, although I want nothing more than to squeeze them and be in their arms.
"I can get my own clothes" I snap at Rafe as he follows me into Sarah's room, my mind already racing to find where my bag is. "Yes you can, you know why? Because there's no drugs in there" he tells me and I glare at him as my eyes search around the room. He took my bag? "Where is my bag?" I ask as I cross my arms and glare up at him. A slight smirk on his lips. "Give me my fucking bag Rafe" I shout at him, feeling an irritation flame through me almost shocking me as the words leave my throat but it doesn't seem to faze him. "It's in the bathroom, come to my room when your done" he tells me flatly before shutting Sarah's door and leaving.
I'm beyond pissed to find that everything is gone from it aside from the clothes I packed. The baggy, the tinfoil, the straw..even the lighter. Does he know how hard those are to steal? There always on the fucking counter in the gas station. He better plan on giving it the fuck back.
I do my best to ignore the burning agitation under my skin as I rinse off and twist my hair into a braid before finding some shorts and long sleeve shirt. Having to do everything slowly becoming more and more irritated with the aching in my arms and legs at doing the slightest things. I am so incredibly weak.
Using a spare toothbrush to brush my teeth. Catching a glimpse of my nails in the mirror, noticing the polish Kie painted on them is off of one nail. They must have taken it off to use the finger monitor.. Only making me feel worse about ruining our sleep over. Sarah was so so excited..so was Kie. I only wish I could exist in the innocent mindset they have. Not innocent in the way you've never done, anything rebellious or bad, but innocent in the way that your mind isn't drowning in dark screams and never ending flashes of the past, all wrapped up in painful vines of guilt and regret, and resentment for myself. I'd give anything to live in a mindset as soft and full of hope, as theirs are.
Again..the pain starts to sweep in and my brain immediately begs for relief but the option isn't there.
I can't turn the drugs at least not while I'm here and I'm sure it'll be a fight between my mother, Rafe and the pogues and maybe Aria, trying to monitor me like a mental institution patient.
I'm sure my mother will go through my drawers and find my pills before I have a chance to get home and hide them but the rest of the oxy is still hidden inside of Haley bear and no one will think to look there.
The thought only making resentful excitement spark through me making me nauseous. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I crave it so much. I hate that my brain wants it so badly and the rest of me despises it, yet I have no idea what part of me that is when all of you is controlled by your brain. How can it have two vastly different ways of thinking. My brain versus my conscience? Does that even make any sense?
I suck in a deep breath, feeling more irritated, and on the verge of angry then I think I've ever felt before. Leaving Sarah's room and heading down the hall to Rafes. If I can't have drugs, he's the next best distraction..Only because he's such a prick, nothing else..
He shoots me a look as I push the door open, pointing to his phone that's pulled to his ear. Telling me to be quiet as a white in my eyes sarcastically at him and his so-called important phone call. Now dressed in sweatpants and a dark green sweatshirt. He's so yummy.
I mover over to the bay window, pulling the throw blanket up and wrapping it around myself. Taking advantage of his distracted self with his call, as he uses big business words, I don't understand. Sounding so professional and serious, making me wonder who he's talking to. I know he has his own money but I don't know form where, he doesn't have a job I know of or maybe he does and that's who he's talking to. Some fancy rich person job.
I move around the room, pulling open the top drawer of his dresser, my eyes landing on the little blue box I saw before as I pick up up and try to open the top but it's locked. What the hell does he have in here?
I pull on it again but it doesn't budge, being ripped from my hands, a second later, as he comes to stand next to me and said it back in the drawer. My eyes land on an orange pill bottle to which I pick it up and turn it in my hands to read the label, that to being ripped from my grasp as he throws it back in the drawer and slams it. Pulling me by the arm and away from the dresser as if I'm a child.
I only shrug before moving over to his nightstand and pulling that door open as well, picking up the box of condoms and taking one out, starting to open it so I can slingshot it at him but he takes that from me too. Dropping it in the drawer and slamming it. Giving me a death stare as he speaks into the phone and I roll my eyes. Turning and heading off into the bathroom.
I'm bored..what does he expect?
I flip the light on, my eyes roaming around the counter before tugging one of the drawers open and pulling out another box of condoms. What a slut..
Feeling my cheeks heat up seeing the L written on the box as I try to rip one open, gasping and dropping it when my finger stings and blood drips down it. Son of a bitch. Well that's revolting. Why would I want to use protection if the wrapper is just going to cut me?
I move out of the bathroom wiggling my finger at him to show him my new cut with a smirk on my lips as he makes a disgusted face as me before walking towards me, shaking his head before flipping the water on and grabbing me by the hand, holding my hand underneath the faucet as I stupidly look between him and the water. I'm not really sure what's wrong with me.. I'm either overly tired or in such denial that this is the alter ego I'm wearing today.
I watch as he pulls open another drawer before slamming a box of bandaids down in front of me and moving back into the bedroom.
Following him a minute later after giving up trying to open one. Earning another 'keep quiet' glare as I approach it and hand it to him. Watching him dramatically roll his eyes and shake his head as he takes it from me. I should start moaning really loudly or scream so whoever he's talking to would hear..That would really piss him off.
"I don't give a fuck how it gets done, just that it does" he snaps at whoever it is as he holds the phone between his ear and shoulder,wrapping the bandage around my finger as I feel it throb a bit. Stupid condom wrapper..
Suddenly becoming extremely aware of how tired I am as I yawn, holding onto the blanket wrapped around me before stepping up to him and laying my head against his chest. Unsure of the sudden need to be up next to him. I feel like I'm having an intense period that's fucking with my hormones but I know it's just going to get worse when the withdrawals start to set in. They haven't even begun yet, this is just the slight state of shock I'm still in and mentally trying to prepare myself except I don't do that.. I just shove it down and I try to distract myself but this is a bit harder.
I expect him to push me away but he doesn't, instead he just wraps his arm around me I feel warmth flood through me.
"Send me a copy when it's done" he says bluntly before I hear the phone hang up and he tosses it on the nightstand. "You are such a fucking child" tells me, his other arm wrapping around me, sending an overwhelming calmness over me. As long as he's here, I think I might be okay.
"Your condoms cut me"
"Why we're you opening them?" He asks and I rest my chin against his chest as I look up at him. His blue eyes filled with sunlight as he watches me and I smirk. "You're the one always bitching that we have to use one and now your asking why I opened them?" I say, quite proud of myself as I watch him roll his eyes.
"Will you take a nap with me?" I ask as I yawn again.
"If it'll shut you up" he grumbles. "I could go home" I tell him and a small smirk dances on his lips. "I'm not letting you out of my sight" he tells me and I roll my eyes before I pull away and climb into his bed, tossing the blanket down as I crawl under his comforter and sink into the pillows, already feeling sleep try to drag me down. I don't know what time it is, it was about nine am when we left the hospital so it couldn't be later than ten. But I don't care, I'm fucking tired.
He gets into bed next to me and I scoot over next to him, his arm sliding around me as I nestle against his chest, my eye lids growing heavy.
"Rafe?" I mumble starting to drift off as his fingers brush softly up and down my back. "Hm?"
"Thank you" I tell him, only hoping he'll be this patient and gentle with me throughout however this goes.
The fear in my stomach flaring up again as I remember the rest of the Roxy hidden inside of Haley's teddy bear, feeling that dreadful, almost sinful sickening excitement shiver through me, knowing it's there, waiting for me. I don't want to use it, I almost fucking died for fucks sake, yet the hooked,burning, craving part of my brain doesn't care and wants nothing more than to get my hands on it.
I can't quite find the strength or will to shut it down and give it to Rafe so he can get rid of it. I want to, but I'm simply too afraid to be without it.
And I'm even more afraid of the fact that I know as sure as I lie here, that I don't have the ability to stop myself anymore. I'm too far drowned, I will use it again if it's there and it's terrifying.
He'd help me if I asked, I know he would. But I'm too afraid to face reality without it's numbing.
"Mhm" he mumbles into the top of my head, my nose being filled with his warm pine scent. It smells good, extremely good but it's all that much better because it's him that smells like it.
Hey guys! What do you think?! The next chapters are going to be an emotional roller coaster but I think you'll love where it goes! Are you excited?!
How do you think Rafe and Lily are feeling? What did you think of his conversation with her mom?
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Hope you're enjoying!💗