Chapter 23: Minmin.
"Go out and do something. It isn't your room that's a prison, it's yourself."
Sylvia Plath-
Sometimes I feel homesick.
Homesick of a home I never had.
It's weird, I know. There was a time when happy families disgusted me because I envied them, because they had all I ever wanted.
A home, a family, love.
I'm over it, though, and now I just feel nostalgia about what my childhood could have been. I like to call this feeling 'homesick'.
I feel homesick now, too, sitting on the couch of my living room and staring at the way Jisung plays with Hyerin and Soonbok. It looks like a family, but it's far from being one.
In fact, in barely 10 minutes Hyerin's mother will be here to pick up her little girl, and so will be Noona.
Then, this illusion of a happy family will vanish in front of my eyes once more and I'll be alone.
Felix is supposed to be coming back in an hour or so. He knows how emotional I can get when I spend so much time with Soonbok. I hope he doesn't take too long.
The sofa dips next to me and it takes me out of my dazed state. Jisung wraps an arm around my shoulders and forces me closer to him. I let him, because for some reason I need the closeness he provides right now. He feels like family, the kind I'm longing for, and I don't know why.
With a smile, he rubs my arm slowly. "It's silly to ask now, but are these kids your's?" he says. His voice is quiet, words directed to me solely.
I shake my head. "They're from the orphanage." Maybe a bit reluctantly, because I still hate looking slightly vulnerable in front of him, I shift closer to him in search for the comfort I used to feel as a child whenever he was around.
Jisung hums and then his hand moves to my head where he starts massaging my scalp in that hypnotizing way that I love. He tilts his head lightly, enough to look at me directly, and searches for any hint of what I'm feeling in the lines of my face, the glow of my eyes and the curves of my lips. "And why do they have you looking at them so sadly?"
His question comes by surprise because I didn't think he'd notice, I didn't think he'd be able to read me so precisely after all this years. I look away and feel the blush on my ears strong and a little embarrassing, I'll admit.
"They don't." I lie and watch as Jisung opens his mouth to pry, ask some more questions until he's satisfied with the answers he's received. A curious boy, that's always been him. "Was the woman at the restaurant your mom?" I ask, changing the subject so I'm not the object of our conversation, so he can't get any information out of me about how I feel or how I've been because I still refuse to allow him knowing about my past without him. There's a feeling of shame that comes with those memories, a bittersweet taste whenever I remember how much of I weakling I became over that time.
Jisung scans me with his brown orbs, again searching for a way to decipher what I'm thinking. His hand on my hair never stopped its motions yet he doesn't answer the question I made before and I believe it's purely out of forgetting it, getting lost in the depths of his mind while scanning everything of me his eyes can take in.
Thankfully, someone knocks on the door and I'm able to snake out of his touch to go open it, I'm able to escape this situation where I feel like I'm a test subject under a microscope.
There's a woman standing on the other side of my front door, tall and amazingly beautiful. Her blonde hair resembles Hyerin's but what gives away that they definitely share blood are those brown eyes that are a literal copy of those of the little girl.
With an extended hand, she smiles. "Hi, Minho. I came to pick up my Rin." Her voice is sweet and melodic and, as soon as Hyerin hears it from the living room she comes running, shouting 'mommy!'.
The girl jumps into her mother's arms and the woman squeezes her in a warm embrace. Suddenly, the envy I used to feel whenever this kind of thing happened around me is back and my chest swells with the pain of putting up a fake smile to hide my discomfort.
When I turn my eyes to look away from the scene, Aera noona is walking towards me, waving her hand and holding a big grin. Soonbok, just as Hyerin had done before, also rushes to her side for a hug.
I thank Hyerin's mother for letting me take her child for the night and assure that she's been amazing all the time she's been with me, but from the corner of my eye I catch Noona sneaking glances at me, worried ones.
The alarms inside my brain start blaring right when I turn around to an expression that holds pity directed towards me, the one I'm used to seeing when someone's about to leave me if they haven't left already. Those are the same eyes I saw on her when my mother abandoned me.
They scare me, but when she tells Soonbok to stay there for a second and then pulls me apart to talk I'm already too terrified to think about anything clearly.
"Are you going to die or something?" I blurt out, my anxiety hitting it's maximum degree of intensity.
Noona laughs and takes my hand. "I'm not, silly." she says. "You hate it when people beat around the bush, so I'm going to be straightforward, okay?"
I furrow my eyebrows but nod nevertheless, feeling a suffocating fear creep up my back and strangle me.
She takes a deep breath and then thows the bomb. "Haneul has been adopted."
My world crumbles into pieces but I refuse to let it show. They're taking my Haneul away from me, my little boy. He's leaving me and I can't do anything about it, once again.
I stay in silence for some time, not processing the news because that I'll do it in the isolation of my room when I get back to being alone; but trying to hide my emotions, to keep them from showing.
I smile and it hurts more than ever.
"Min, are you okay?" Aera's voice calls but it seems far away. She rubs my arm and looks at me with worried eyes.
I nod, slowly. "I'm really happy for Haneul. When is he leaving?"
"Tomorrow."
"Oh." I have school tomorrow and work at the restaurant. I won't be able to say goodbye. It crashes me again, I struggle to keep up the façade for a moment.
Noona hugs me close to her. "Minmin, I'm here. You can talk to me, it's okay." she tells me, knowing I won't do it. Not until I eventually burst with pain.
I pat her back and smile again, then assure that I'm fine even though I'm not. I just want to be alone right now so I can cry comfortably, so I say goodbye to Soonbok and Noona in a rush and close the door to my home slowly.
Finally, I'm alone, and my body senses it and lets go.
With my back pressed to the door, I let out all my emotions, all my pain and sadness painting every sob that wrecks my body, every cry that makes me shake and every struggled breath I try to take.
All I cry I do it silently, sliding to the floor and pressing my legs to my chest, hiding my face in my knees and suppressing any sounds because they're embarrassing and stupid.
"Minho?"
Oh.
Jisung is still here. He slipped my mind completely.
When he sees me, he rushes next to me and just quietly hugs me, let's me wrap my arms around him and supports my body weight as if it were nothing.
Jisung caresses my hair, rubs my back and embraces me tight. He kisses my cheek and doesn't care about the saltiness. He lets me cry all I need and I don't feel as judged as I usually would if someone saw me this weak.
Jisung holds me until I calm down and, even after that, he carefully picks me up and carries me to my room, lays me on my bed and sits next to me with a warm smile.
With the softest of voices, he speaks. "What's wrong?" his question isn't toned like him just being curious, but totally concerned. I'm not too sure if I should tell him, but he's already seen me like this and I feel like I owe him an explanation. I open my mouth to answer but he's faster. "Don't feel the obligation to tell me, Min."
He's read my mind again and it makes me crumble to pieces once more. I can't control myself any longer.
Shaky arms make their way to his torso with enough force left to snatch him and make him lay with me, to hug him closer to my body. "They've adopted Haneul and I won't be able to see him again. It feels like it's happening one more time, people I love being forcefully taken away from me." I sob, face pressed to his chest as I let go fully of my emotions.
Jisung is listening, stroking my hair to calm me down, doing everything he knows I need to be able to breathe properly without suffocating in my own panic. He gives me enough courage to keep voicing out my feelings, even with the struggle it takes. "I wanted to adopt him after I finished highschool, when I would have been able to take care of my boy properly, but now I can't even say goodbye to him. And I should be happy because he'll get the love he deserves, but I just can't when I know I'll be the one left behind again. I should be used to this, it's happened so many times already that I've even convinced myself that I don't deserve to be loved at all, but it still hurts so much every time."
"Hey, what are you saying?" Jisung stops me for the first time. He shifts to take a better look at my face and it's suddenly so humiliating, so pathetic. "You deserve to be loved just as much as everyone else, Min, and my heart breaks seeing you like this just as it broke when we were kids."
I don't look him in the eye but his hand softly forces me to do so. I'm scared to find disgust in his gaze, a fear that serves as my main reason to hate being vulnerable.
When I find nothing but affection in his eyes, I'm able to take a deep breath and stable my mind a little bit, I'm able to focus on his touch and his voice. "Min, you'll be fine. I'm sure Haneul will never forget about you, that you'll be able to visit him from time to time-"
"It didn't happen like that with you." I whisper, eyes watering once more. It feels like a cycle I'm unable to break. Jisung's mood shifts lightly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I apologize. I don't want him to leave.
He shakes his head and rubs my cheek with his thumb, wipes off tears that fall and presses a kiss to my forhead. I feel like a little kid, a loved one for once.
It feels nice.
"I'm sorry for leaving you alone, Minho. I'm so sorry. I was ten and really thought it was the best I could do for you, but instead I ended up hurting you." His voice is a whisper. He's smiling but his eyes are watering slightly. "I'll call my mom and we'll drive to the orphanage to say goodbye, okay? I won't let you end up not seeing Haneul again."
His tone is so determined, so full of confidence that it makes me smile and believe him. I chuckle, some residual tears still spilling from the creases of my eyes. "You don't even know the kid." I comment.
"I don't care. Let's go, Minmin."