Client: writingasjojo
Reviewer: TheManofFiction
When I chose to review your book "The kingdom shall bleed", I was not expecting what I read. To be honest, I wasn't sure what to expect. It's been a long time when I first gave the okay to carry on a review.
Once the reader begins the story, they receive a painfully sobering first experience of your world. One doesn't have to go far to see that it's in the grimdark side of fiction. The character gets abused over and over for no good purpose, and the same fate follows for the other "Powerless." As for that title, I only wish that you expanded on what that meant more earlier, and why there's such a divide between these two types of people.
The world building is different from your standard fantasy. It gives me monotheistic vibes, shoje being like the christian god of this world, supporting good morals and cleanliness in it's many forms. The months being names after important figures is also a cool detail.
But personally, I don't think one receives a vivid picture of this world that sticks to their mind. You describe the architecture in the second chapter, and a bit on the third (what the tavern/prison looks like), yet not in a way where we know what to compare it to. What sort of culture is this land similar to? Any identifying traits? Now, you don't need to, as the author, explicitly state what real world places are similar to your fictional world locations. Well... you can, depending on the style (anything goes for fiction), but a good example is found in the book "The Poppy War". When the main character reaches the trading hub/coastal city, you can see how the settlement is made up of many types of architecture from all across this fictional world. The author, to create the sense of diversity, briefly describes identifying features of the types of architecture the character sees.
At least... that's how I remember it going. I haven't read that book in a while, but hey... not a bad concept.
This novel is clearly meant for an older audience. That's fine, but as for this tale, it also means that the story was written in a much more advanced writing style. Now, depending on who you are, that could be either a positive or negative thing. But I would like to add that sometimes you can spend a little too much time describing a simple action that, ontop of that, doesn't need to be conveyed so poetically. I'm not sure what effect you're going for here, but every now and again, I'd notice how some words back-to-back start with the same letter. Here's an example from your novel:
"Dilapidated dwelling, diminishing the unpleasant..."
Ontop of the already wordy and poetic rhetoric, this seems like the peacock feather ontop of an already flamboyant, sparkly hat. Now it's totally fine to be better spoken in our writing. Practically every writer sounds much smoother in their written words than in their spoken ones. Maybe I'm just too detached from the classical style, but I'm not a fan of this type of intricacy. You can really stress on linguistic gymnastics, or focus more on deepening the character's struggles, having us empathise, and making us root for them, and carry out the story in a way that'll make us remember it for the rest of time. And to be fair... you do this. I want to characters to succeed. Why, I want them to "make the kingdom bleed". So with empathising and making us feel their stress, hopelessness, anxiety - it's almost freakishly good. You get inside their heads, and you do it well. Is there sometimes linguistic gymnastics and certain parts that sound shakespearean? Sure, but the technique is there.
But remember, being poetic in rhetoric won't make a great story. It won't always make it memorable. My favorite books which stuck to me till this day and inspired my writing and even some dreams, were created for a middle school audience.
I do like chapter 3 - intrignant. Just the conversation we see play out in the start - it feels organic. Real. I get a glimpse into the unique souls of these two people, and you sneak in a little bit about the characters without dumping a bunch of expository. You introduced them fabulously. In fact, you introduce characters, in general, very well. You begin with the scene, a little bit of what's going on in their minds, leave some aspect of their current predicament to the imagination - it keeps us going, looking for more! That's a good technique more writers aught to use, since many storytellers enjoy telling us oodles about a character without actually showing us much.
So overall, I'd say that showing us the character and inner worlds of each protagonist organically and not forced is something you do well in, but you could use more improvement on imagery and better conveying your world building. Also, since you write with more complexity, I would suggest shortening your chapters. Not take details out from your story, mind you. No, but perhaps split a chapter into two. It makes it easier for the reader to get through your book and it leaves them with a better sense of progress.
I wouldn't usually give that advice, but if you really dig complex writing styles, that isn't a bad way to cater to a modern audience.