Matt
I am trying not to be sad today.
Today's Josh's baby shower that his family planned and my family is a mess.
Yes, my parents are still getting divorced because of my life decision to be a father.
I am so confused and sad at the same time.
I don't want to leave Josh again before the baby comes but I need to revisit Arkansas and fix things with my parents that aren't over-the-phone fights.
When I talk to my parents on the phone I always go outside or sit in the car away from Josh. He never sees me get emotional unless it's for a TV show or film I'm in.
I wish this journey to fatherhood could be all rainbows and happiness. Josh has been struggling with his own mental health and physical pain ways. I can't imagine what he's feeling with the baby and being away from family.
While lost in thought, my phone vibrates in the cup holder next to me since I turned the ringer off.
"Josh, what's wrong? Are you in pain? Did you fall? What's going on?" I started to panic since he fell the other time on a call.
I always worry about my fiance.
Sometimes he doesn't know how to take care of himself.
"Where are you? The baby shower starts in an hour and I'm home alone. My mom said she's picking me up to go to the venue so that you don't have to drive me. Are you at the airport picking up my sisters?" Josh asks and it sounds like he's panicking more than I am.
I'm not panicking about the baby shower.
I'm panicking about being a father with divorced parents.
My parents haven't signed divorce papers yet but they might if I don't fix things.
"Yeah, I'm picking up Claire and your dad," I say without cracking my voice from emotion.
"This little monster is more excited about his baby shower than I am. I didn't even ask for a party and a baby registry. Matt, even Kate and Mark sent gifts. I don't deserve this." I hear Josh cry.
"Babe, you deserve this. The baby deserves this. You are so amazing. Let people celebrate you and the baby today. Hey, I love you. I got to go your sister just texted me her location." I say quickly and hang up so that I can drive.
I haven't seen Josh's parents or sisters since December right before we got engaged.
20 minutes later after sitting in traffic and trying to find out where to park at the airport I finally see Claire and Josh's dad holding multiple bags and suitcases that must-have gifts for the baby.
I have to hold in my emotions and be happy for Josh and his family today.
No crying.
"Here let me help with those bags Mr. Bassett," I offer as they approach my car which will soon have Leo's car seat once I set it up.
We hug for a few seconds before I start to hold up traffic.
"Nonsense, Matt. You do enough and you drove here to pick us up. I can put them in the truck." Mr. Bassett says while Claire hops in the backseat.
"How are you doing Matt?" Claire asks me once everyone is in the car.
And damn, that's the first time someone has asked me how I am doing.
My siblings do over phone calls but we mainly talk about the potential divorce.
"I'm scared and I'm struggling with family problems and my sleep schedule but other than that I am fine. I've been shooting a movie I'm featured in and I come home to take care of Josh." I shrug my shoulders while starting the car.
"Matty, you need to take care of yourself and your mental health before the baby comes. I'm going to give you a big hug when we get to the venue. I also have a surpise for you. It's not just a celebration for my big brother and the baby but also for you." Claire says while making a sad face in the rearview mirror.
The rest of the car ride consists of us talking about baby middle names, singing along to Josh's album, and talking about how Claire is doing in college.
When we arrive at the venue parking lot, I park on the side away from Josh's other sisters' rental cars.
"Matty, come here, give me a hug." Claire says as she gets out of the car to stretch her legs.
"Are you sure? Don't you wanna hug your big brother first?" I lock my car door and watch Josh's dad go off and explore the venue.
"Of course, I am sure." Claire walks over to me and wraps me into a big bear hug even though I am so much taller than she is.
"Thank you. You are the best little sister, don't tell my sister that." I laugh lightly and feel a tear roll down my cheek.
I cannot be vulnerable or sad at Josh's baby shower.
Claire senses my emotions quickly and pulls me away from the venue towards the back of the car where a bunch of shrubs and trees are placed.
"Hey, why the sad face and the tears? Talk to me. We may not be related by blood but I can definetely be your little sister for the time being." Claire keeps her small hand wrapped around mine as I attempt to brush the tear away.
"I don't know. I'm supposed to be this happy and supportive dad and fiance. But I'm struggling with family, and I don't want Josh to worry. I also don't need anyone taking care of me. I need to be there for Josh. Claire, my parents might get a divorce because they are arguing about their grandson. Josh knows and I feel so guilty. This is so confusing and all my fault." I lean back against my car door and let the tears spill.
Fuck.
I shouldn't be crying at my kid's baby shower.
"It's okay. It's okay to cry, Matt. Come here, don't be afraid of me. I'm smaller than you. You give the best hugs too." Claire got close to my body and wrapped her arms around my neck as we leaned against my car door.
"I thought men weren't supposed to cry." I wipe a tear with my baby blue dress shirt that I bought for this occasion.
Josh said it looks better unbuttoned and I left it that way.
"Everyone cries. It's a a human reaction to emotions. Although, I wonder if aliens cry? Matt, do you think aliens cry on Mars?" Claire says trying to make me laugh.
I laugh lightly and lean my head on her shoulder.
Between the movie shoots at night taking care of Josh's pain level and calling my parents, I haven't gotten enough sleep.
"Do you want to see what I got you? I think it's pretty cool and I saved my money for it." Claire lets go of our hug as she stands up.
"You got me something? Isn't this baby shower for the baby and Josh?" I unlock the car for her to get her bag.
"Josh and the baby wouldn't be here without you, Matt. Josh was so vulnerable and sad until he met you on set. You are his soulmate. The baby also wouldn't be here without you. Now I know this is not a plane ticket or vacation but I think it's pretty cool." Claire hands me a box wrapped in blue paper with a handmade ribbon on top.
"It's heavy. You didn't have to get me this, Claire." I hold the blue package.
This makes me think it's for Leo.
"You haven't opened it yet, how would you know what it is?" Claire nudges my shoulder and stands next to me against the car door that is facing the trees.
"Touche'" I mess with her hair as if I am her big brother.
Sometimes I would rather be a big brother to a little sister.
I know I am a brother to Clem but sometimes she takes care of me more than I take care of her if that makes sense.
"Well, open it, it's not going to open it self." Claire sticks her tongue out to me as her baby blue skirt moves with the wind.
"Okay, okay. Thank you so much for this. I'll let you babysit the baby when he gets a little older." I mention while holding the heavy package.
I use my sharp fingernails to unwrap one side of the paper, and immediately notice what it is.
"Claire, what the fuck? You spend your money on this. You really didn't have to. I could've purchased it myself." I unwrap the other side of the paper to reveal the cover of a fancy script writer's journal.
The reason why these are so expensive is because the paper is very fine and thick. It's bigger than a journal. These scriptwriting books are made for filmmakers, not people who write in diaries. They consist of more than 1,000 pages. And what the hell?! The cover says "Matt Bassett-Cornett- Future screenwriter, and filmmaker"
Not even Josh knows that I want to make movies and write a script one day.
"How did you know? I wanted this. To some people, it's just paper, to me it's my future. A future I am not scared to be a part of like fatherhood." I say in a hushed tone to her as we lean against my car.
"My college roommate is majoring in film study. She's interning at an independent film company. From what we've talked about in the past, I know you want to make big blockbuster films like Disney and Universal but you have to start somewhere maybe even indie films." Claire says while side-hugging me since the book is so big in my hands.
I open the car door and place the book on the seat. Then turn to face her and give her a big bear hug like the one she gave me before my breakdown.
"Thank you so much. This means the world to me. You are an amazing big sister and I am sure that the baby will love you. Maybe you can help Josh decide on a middle name for him? Josh is quite indecisive and that's what makes us opposites." I let go of her small body and locked my car again so that no one could steal the bags and gifts.
"I know that today is Josh and the baby's day but if you need anything you know I'm one call away and I'm here for the week until my parents stop overprotecting Josh." Claire laughs lightly forgetting about my parent's divorce.
I give her a half smile and then look at my watch.
Damn it.
Another thing to be guilty of I had my mental breakdown and talked with Claire I am 10 minutes late for the baby shower.
Even though the venue is close to us, Josh doesn't know that I am here yet.
He's probably worrying or stressing about me being stuck in traffic.
I have to fix this.
It's my fault again.
"Hey, it's okay. Remember when Josh was late on set because he slept in? My brother has made the same mistake. I'll walk in with you." Claire grasps my large hand.
"Now, I understand why your Josh's favorite sister. Don't tell your sisters that I said that." I hold her hand as we walk to the venue doors.
"Haha thanks. I think I already realized that. Here, wait a second." Claire stops me.
"Your shirt is a little wrinkly and messed up. Just unbotton it and please talk to my brother about mental health. I know that he cares about your family too." Claire says while fixing my shirt and stepping up on her tippy toes.