Ignore the mistakes 🙏🏻
Not proof read, ignore the mistakes please, i cried enough while writing I can't read it again now please!
This whole week has been the worst and most painful week of my whole fucking existing life. I hate this, i hate how fast the days pas buy, i hate how everyone just keep living and how the fuck each and every fucking thing keeps on living and blooming like nothing happened!
Hell broke loose on me and nobody even fucking cares, nobody cares if it did. I'm worthless as always, pathetic as always, used fucking piece of meat who is nobody in this whole fucking world of happy people.
My chest, which became of stone once again felt ghe strings getting pulled in an iron fist, pain shooting to every last point of every fucking vein in my body. He blood which runs warm in other's body ran like a ice sickle in mine. Everything hurts, so fucking hurts, take a breath, closing the eyes, opening the eye lids, even fucking living hurts!
I wanna die!
Jimin said he'll be back in 30 minutes, I don't know how long will he take, but i need someone beside me, please i need to see someone or my own darkness will consume me, please help me.
Whoring around and then acting innocent?
Leave the baby, Ray!
It's my turn now, step aside.
"1.....2........3.......4........5......."
Baby boy, you body is such an inviting place, take me as yours!
"5.....4......3.......2........1" my breath started to disrupt, the pain is getting too much, my ears started busting with the hooshhh sound of air, no one is there to hear. "J-Jim—"
"TaeTae, I'm sorry i got a little late." And here he came, i breathed aloud, i need to get enough air to my lungs.
"You look good, why didn't you wear the tie?" Jimin asked as he stood infront of me and corrected my collar, like this marriage was not just the showcase of my aching heart.
"It's just a formality, Jim............It's only—- i feel like dying." I as usually and as pathetically cried while Jimin's arm oh so softly wrapped around me. This was not really meant to happen, i was meant to be happy atleast in my own life. "Why id it happening to me? Why me?"
"Tae, listen my love. You deserve the world, no one, and i mean it, no fucking one will hurt you. I will not let any single person to do that, not even your father. This—- This marriage, if you don't want it, ít won't happen." Jimin said and i so wanna laugh at him. He knows me better than anyone yet he thinks i have the fucking guts to do that? To stand against this decision. It has been thought for me and will happen, father will make it happen.
"She's here to marry me, i was left alone for that purpose only. I just—- i just need to cry this ache one last time, kill my own heart once and for all, and then there'd be no reason to cry for. I can't just pluck him off my soul, he's enchanted himself there, but i can learn how to live without my very soul. It's—-i'll—- i'm gonna kill the very part of myself. Once and—-once and for all." My hands trembled so badly in the soft hands of Jimin's. The pain on his face was what mirrored my eyes.
"Tae, Taehyung, you are so—-"
"Don't Jimin. Don't say anything, I'm barely holding ụp myself." I stopped him for saying anything that'll only add fuel to fire. "Can i lay my head on your shoulder, it's heavy to sit straigh—-"
"I'm proud of you, Taehyungie." And with that Jimin hugged me, the barrier that i kept over the storm in my eyes broke, the flood wrecked my whole face. This was not meant yo happen, we were meant to be happy, i was meant to be happy!
"Is my son ready?" The sweetest of all voices pulled me and Jimin back to our so called social roles. I should be a fucking man i was and marry the girl that was sitting outside.
"I-I am." I stood up, one more knot being tied in my stomach, this physical manifestation of pain would never get me anywhere. I gotta do what i gotta do.
"You look beautiful!" My father cupped my face in his hands oh so gently and said. Aren't I supposed to be handsome? He should treat me like a man—-the man he wants me to be.
"I'm ready." I felt air shortening in my lungs. How much longer is this going to hurt? Is killing your own heart with your own hands do nothing to ease this pain?
These 23 years of my life have been the pettiest as well as bravest. I did all i can to survive, wish I wouldn't have tried so hard. I wish living was not this difficult—-this painful.
"You go outside uncle, i'll bring Tae in a while. I just need to make him wear the tie." Jimin's voice entered my ears. I don't want a fucking tie! What i really want is the man——-SHUT UP!
"Great, i'll have everything ready outside." Saying thát kissing me one more time, my father walked away, soon disappearing behind the door.
"I don't want no tie." I said as soon as the door was closed.
"I've got a message—-"
"No chickening out now Jim, i told you, i killed the left feelings were there—" i didn't, I can't. "— no pulling me back now." I said and walked towards the closed door that held the hell ready to swallow my worthless existence.
I heard you are getting married soon, guess she wouldn't be disgusted by your filthy existence.
Something pierced in my already bleeding heart. Pain shot up the my whole body, my footsteps got even more heavy, and at last I stumbled, hit the door, tried to hold myself but—-Jimin's strong arms held me, made me strong straight. I need someone else's arms to—-
You were supposed tộ fight for us, you were the strong one always.
"Be strong Tae," Jimin tried his beat to smile but even he can't. The universe was so unkind and cruel, it was not meant to happen.
"Easier said than done, Jim." I smiled back at him, same effort almost same result. "Let's get this over with."
Jimin held my hand and we walked out of the room. Apparently i looked good, every eye who saw me held adoration, every mouth that opened had blessings and wishes for us. My wife stood right infront of the stage, i was supposed to come first, bứt anyway. Jimin kept me walking straight even when every nerve in my body was ready to give up.
"It's over, afterall." I whispered.
"I'm sure something more beautiful awaits you Tae, the universe—-"
"Is cruel and unkind." Saying that i softly slipped my hand out of Jimin's hand and plastered my best fake smile on my face. I gotta be the man now. Enough being the damsel in distress.
"My son's here, my beautiful, sweetheart is here." My father once again showed an extreme love he holds for me but there's something wrong with him. I'm a man, like he wants so he should give me the masculine energy as well, not the beautiful one, the handsome one! "It's a big day of your life!"
It is, and it's worst!
"Every single person present here right now holds an enormous amount of respect for you. You have been through so much in your life yet you never let yourself go lost in it. You my love is a beautiful boy with a beautiful heart. I love you, Dad love you alot." He leaned in and kissed my temple. This all just feels like a dream, like how recently i hold so special place in my father's heart that he never had for me before. I really like this but today—— my breathing once again started getting distorted.
"Come son, come here." Maybe he noticed too, with a slight smile on his lips he oh so tenderly held my hand and took me to the stage. There she was, the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, the most elegant and polite woman. I've known here my entire life, i've seen here grow up, even if not daily but i know here since here childhood. She's so young, just turned 19 this year, the bride's white dress looks so good on her fairly young body. She holds the grace, wears it and presents it. This girl is so so beautiful still she can't appeal my heart like a certain someone.
It's only going to get worse from here!
My inner voice has been screaming at me the same thing over and over again and i know it, but there's no other way. It has to happen what has to happen. I've got no hold of things, they are out of my fucking control. I hate this helplessness that has grown with me my whole. I'm pathetic as always.
"We should start" i heard my father's voice entering my ears, vibrating through the layers and reaching till my brain, initiating a panic across my body. It's over, it's happening and it's over.
The walls of the great hall started to close in on me. The knots just getting tighter and the pain being unbearable to me. It's over.
"You should sit down maybe." A faintly familiar voice said. I need to get a grip on my self, all this was not supposed to happen. I was meant to be happy? We were—- "you don't look so good. Are you okay?"
"I-I'm fine." This lie has been resting on my tongue permanently now. But I'm not fine, i miss someone, I'm hurt, I'm scared and I'm falling apart inside the hollow shell of my body.
"Your face—- we should sit." And she held my hand, softly, guiding us to the luxurious sofa placed right between the hall. We sat there together, my father looked happy. Everyone looked happy.
"Son, your know the ritual, it's the happiest day for me! You are going to get married, my long awaited dream is going to get fulfilled. It's coming true. I'll finally see my son happy and healthy in a life that i have always wanted for you." The crowd clapped, the hall resonated from the echoes of claps. But i only see a puppet sitting right in front of this crowd who has been in the hands of his father always. Look at him talking, he planned everything for me, always, he has and he will always do that.
"Thanks Dad." I didn't know how to answer him, i feel like i lost the fucking feeling of talking. The way my mouth makes the words, the way they should form in my head all of it is just lost. I'm lost,
"Silence everybody." There was sound of glass, like someone's hitting the glass with the spoon faintly and it creates the noise that took the interest of everybody and soon the hall was once again deadly silent. I looked up, right at my 6 o clock stood Jimin, equally nervous as me, and even more scared than me. My soulmate can talk big and try to be my shoulder but i know deep down he feels worse, he feels my pain. I blinked my eyes few times not to let my tears loose, I can't make fool of myself even more than i already have.
""Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed guests, and our two beloved children, today we have gathered here to celebrate a bond of profound love and commitment between Syadza Andini and my beloved son Kim Taehyung. As being here and witnessing this wonderful moment of my old life, let me embrace the essence of humanity's capacity to love, cherish, and support one another. I would like to reflect on the journey and the beautiful moments that has brought us to this moment today. As witnessing these two grow up before my eyes i would love to have them knotted in a beautiful bond of marriage that'll complete both of them and will give them a chance to live a life they never witnessed before. My dear Syadza and Taehyung, as your father and with the utmost sincerity, I propose this union, asking for your consent and blessing. Are you both willing to embark on this journey together, supporting and cherishing one another for all the days of your lives?" My father stopped, the happiness in his voice is unconditional, he is failing to mask it if he is trying to. My heart clenches one more time. It's over—— time to move on now. The chapter of Mr. J, Jungkook, or should i say Mr. bodyguard is over. We were both killed brutally and now the life without a heart and soul starts.
"I accept this proposal." I said monotonously, no emotions or feelings attached. I didn't even look at the girl i was about to marry, I shouldn't do that, i should care about my father's reputation, I should care about our family name, i should—- but i can't. I'm too broken to think about anyone else than me.
"I'm proud of you my son." The words that i always wanted to hear from my father were nothing to his ears now. The past was left behind, a new me was just born, and this me doesn't care about anyone like nobody did for me. It's over.
"Syadza, my child what do you say?" My father asked my bride to be. She still was sitting there with the same smile she came to this hall. She was so timid, so warm, her heart indeed was as big as a sky. She deserved the world but got the broken essence of filth in me. I'm guilty of it, another crime over my head. My neck bent unconsciously when her sweet voice replied to my father.
"Father, with gratitude in my heart and love for Mr. Kim Taehyung overflowing, I wholeheartedly accept this proposal. eagerly look forward to sharing a lifetime of love, joy, and companionship with Mr. Kim Taehyung."she gives me the respect i need but I don't deserve. She looks up to me, she thinks I'm a man, but—— she don't know, Mr. J also didn't know and gave me the respect but it was shot-lived, as soon as he knew the reality, he left, kicked me back and left me all alone there in my cold apartment. Another wave of nausea hit the back of my throat, tears mingled in it, burned my eyes, lump growing bigger and bigger, the fog clothing the whole surface. She is just so unknown of me. 'The love overflowing' she said, she is just ignorant!
"Where do i have to sign?" I had to ask, the voices, the flashes were going crazy in my head, i had to say something to shush them off.
"Wait, let them bring the papers." My father said with a warmest smile, his eyes crinkled and they became small. We don't look alike at all, he got a completely different face cut than mine. Sometimes it feels I don't belong to him at all but then i remnants he do so much hard work on me.
"Jeon, come in." I felt like my whole world stopped. What did my father just say? This name, oh my Universe, there can be thousands of Jeons. There's not just one who—- please, please don't test me like this. My eyes unconsciously moved to Jimin's and he stood there in the exact same expressions that i might have right now. He's also stunned, The door to my left opened, someone stepped in, Jimin's head moved to that and then i saw his eyes grow bigger, his face hardening, his e gritting, and it all happened in the span of three to five seconds. And then i also moved my head, i shouldn't have, there he was, the person who broke my heart in million pieces and then crushed every piece into million more. Mr. J entered with a file in his hand, stepping towards me like this is just the other day of our routined life.
"Here." He bend down and pointed his finger at a small box to tell me where to sign. He's wearing a black suit, his hair parted from between like always, he's wearing his usual Cologne, his favourite Chanel Bleu de Chanel. This smell, i-i know this smell by heart, i have been enveloped in it for so long. I have smell that always on him.
I needed to born several times to muster up the courage to tore my eyes off Mr. J's stoned, most emotional less face let alone sign the papers and get married. What the hell is he doing here? Didn't he just—- panic, panic started to raise inside me, he shouldn't be here, this isn't right. My neck stiff while looking at him, the noise around me just faded, i felt like i was in a vacuum where there's no air to breathe, nothing else to look, just the echos of my insecurities and anxiety whooshing around me. He-he was not meant to be here, he shouldn't be—-
"Come on son, sign the paper." My father placed his warm hand on my cold palm, he squeezed it a little. What was this sick play from the universe? Why was it happening to me. Mr. J was not supposed—-
I heard you are getting married soon, guess she wouldn't be disgusted by your filthy existence.
So did he come here to see what's happening to me? Did he—- He's not here to laugh at me right? Oh, my chest feels tight, this feeling—- i' going in a cardiac arrest, my heart hurts so badly, this feeling—- a small whimper escaped my lips which i sealed oh so greatly.
And for your kind information, i work by two rules, 1- protect my client at any cost, and 2- no emotions involved.
No emotions! No emotions! NO EMOTIONS! If so then what were all those gestures? What were all those feelings that i felt when you loved me. You were—-
"Mr. Kim please sign the papers." I heard his deep voice, the calmness and settlement in his voice sliced my heart one more time. It makes no difference to him, he doesn't care at all. It's nothing to him.
I picked the pen, didn't even look at the paper, my eyes can never leave this face that i held so dear in my heart. Just like always i complied, i was meant to be ruled over, i was meant to be lead. I was not the leader, he was and my body complied to him even more than it did to my own self. I signed the papers, without even looking at it i signed the papers and then when i was on the last page i saw a small flicker of fear in his eyes, maybe hurt, maybe anger but there was something, for seconds but it was there. His hands also trembled but then again his cover hardened, he said 'thank you' to me and took the papers to the bride. I was left to look where he was standing.
My chest, the pain intensifying with every second. I feel something heavy on my chest, the heart's a heavy burden afterall. And having one is one hell of a test.
"I hereby announce you two the bride and the groom. You may kiss the bride now Taehyung." I heard my father, i saw Mr. J standing beside him, behind his chair. His hands folded on his lower abdomen, he looks worse.
"Mr. Kim, we as a family have a tradition that the groom carries the bride in his arms and takes blessings from all the elders of the family then kisses her to take her forever. We would like to proceed to that before." Syadza's father spoke up. She look so happy, she's just ignorant.
"No problem at all. Taehyung pick her in your arms and proceed, please." My father patted my back slightly. His fingers burning my skin. This was not meant to happens.
The worse is here!
I looked at her, he innocent face holding love and adoration for me. She is just ignorant, naive.
"It's okay if you don't want to. It's all your choice." She whispers when i was close enough to her. She's innocent and kind hearted.
"You are my wife now, caring for you—-" my throat burned one more time, i was supposed to be someone else's husband. "— is my duty."
"I love you, Taehyung." She so casually said and wrapped her arms around my neck. Those arm felt like the death rope, I'm dying, I'm falling apart. I picked her and walked towards her grand parents, then his parents, then my father, few higher ups of my father's family, and lastly i was standing face to face with Mr. J.
His big eyes looking at me, is he scared? Like me? Is he hurt? Like me? Is he broken—— "will you bless us?"
"A-All my wishes and blessings are with you silver, always." His hardest almost grunting voice replied. His eyes turned a-bit red like he's also holding his tears back.
"Thank your Mr. Jeon, that's so kind of you." My wife replied for me, i looked at her. "You can lift me down now."
I did, i was meant to take commands, i always did. I just took her command and landed her on her feet. She looked at me, "you can kiss me now."
Her innocence is a lethal weapon!
I looked back at Mr. J one more time. There's just no reason left to keep it hidden now. I should just let it go and give in, he too is looking at me, he too is scared.
"I knew everything. I know everything. Everything you were trying to safe me from, i knew it since ages. Maybe communication have been better than the betrayal" saying that i held my wife close to me. I kept my eyes to Mr. J's whose eyes got filled with water, tears, i needed to hurt him and i did. To make a last blow, i bent down and captured my wife's lips, kissing her while my eyes locked with Mr. J's. I was successful, the pain was so clear on his face.
But this made a crazy mess inside me as well, everything fell apart, everything broke down. It's over!
Hello Army 💜💜
It's been sooooo long, but i'll upload now, this book has been going on since 2022 but it'll end soon. Apologies for all the delays. I'll be regular now.
Do let me know about your comments, what do you think of this chapter?
I purple you.