Shiganshina Arc
Armin's Narration
Four months had past by since The Rumbling, and the mass genocide of most humanity. With the power of the titans gone, and with some tedious convincing, ultimately what little humanity existed outside the walls finally lost their fears of Eldians after hundreds of years. The soldiers who battled hard to bring down The Founding Titan were considered heroes, as Eren predicted. Still, with the Rumbling came great devastation to Marley and its people. As a result, much of their resources were limited, if not completely diminished. While Paradis wasn't destroyed, there was still a wave of destruction from when the Rumbling had occurred.
The entire apocalyptic event scared off all wildlife deep into the woods and mountains, making hunting a challenge, even in these warm months. When the animals would return, it was hard to say exactly when that would be. As a result, both Paradis and Marley relied heavily on rations and were in the process of rebuilding their towns and villages. With these struggles, the two countries agreed on a signed Trading Deal.
If the Eldians agreed to exchange any goods of value they could, in an effort to rebuild Marley's country, once that required quota was met and Marley regained their resources, they would send a generous shipment to Paradis, including more livestock, advanced medicine, more lumber, blueprints for modern buildings, many books with knowledge of things Paradis had no idea about, and even the promise of discussing the idea of bringing electricity and automobiles to Paradis sometime in the future.
However, the required quota was a steep one. Hunters attempted to fill it with pelts, but with the animals scared so far into the wilderness, those hunts resulted in exhausting, week, and sometimes even month-long trips. This meant that items of different value would have to be sent over. This included horses, prized jewels from the people of Stowess, and perhaps most notably, profit from mining. What we didn't know about Paradis, was that underground was a massive amount of oil and iceburst stones. These stones are unique only to Paradis, making them extremely valuable to Marley and other parts of the world. If volunteer miners can dig up and send enough iceburst stones, as well as oil, to Marley, then the trading deal could happen as soon as five years from now. In the meantime, the people of Paradis had to get by with what they had until the wildlife returned.
End of Armin's Narration
Shiganshina, Trost, and Stowess had begun the hard process of rebuilding themselves, as well as many people's homes and villages. With the rebuilding that happened, there was one newly built home that sat on a decently sized piece of land. It was only about half a mile from a very noticeable location that sat on a hill looking over Shiganshina. The location had a great tree, and at the bottom of it was a newly erected headstone.
The new cabin that was built close to this spot was a two-floor, with a dark wooden outer wall. It was only recently completed, the dozens of tree stumps behind it proving it was worked on hard, day in and day out. There was still a massive forest of undisturbed pine trees behind the sea of stumps, but it was clear the builders took advantage of the forest to build this home.
As well as a cabin, there was even a newly built barn on the left side of it, with a medium-sized pasture surrounded by a fence containing two horses, a blue roan, and a pale-faced palomino, both of them grazing peacefully and enjoying the Spring weather.
The house itself had a lovely layout inside, with a living room, kitchen, dining room, and an upstairs with four bedrooms and two bathrooms. There was a fireplace, as well as furniture in most rooms, minus the two extra bedrooms. In front of the cabin's wrap-around porch, there was a large rock sat by some bellflowers. It had a recent carving in it, reading out the words "Arlert Ranch"
Armin and Mikasa had agreed to live right outside Shiganshina, the home that they fought for and where they could be close to their friends. Here they could have a fresh start and really begin their life. In the time it took to build their new home, Armin and Mikasa had officially married, and Carla was already growing so big, being around four months old now. It felt like the past few months went on fast forward, and just now things seemed to finally be settling down. During that time, Armin, Jean, Connie, and even Falco worked day in, and day out to build the cabin and the barn, with Mikasa, Hange, and Sasha helping as well.
On this sunny afternoon, right under the large sat the small headstone. It was barely noticeable unless you got super close to the tree. Engraved on the stone was the following
"Rest peacefully, my beloved".
It was unmarked, but anyone visiting it knew who was buried here. Sitting beside the lone grave was Mikasa. She wore her usual attire, using her soft pink cardigan to keep herself warm and wearing her white top and dark blue long skirt. She had her long hair up in her usual ponytail, as she gazed down with a somber expression, her hands in her lap. She glanced softly at the grave, caressing the cold stone as she forced a warm smile.
"Carla's getting so big, Eren. She's already sitting up and we even caught her trying to stand already..." She spoke quietly, trying her best to keep her voice steady as she updated him.
"Armin's been working so hard... he and everyone have been working closely with Marley, and Shigansina is already recovering...it's overwhelming...but it's nice to see it growing after being abandoned for so long..." She rambled a little, before glancing down at the headstone again.
This time, she saw a flash of a much younger Eren, resting under the tree as a child version of herself approaching him, bending down slightly to wake him, carrying the firewood on her back. Mikasa flinched slightly, as if seeing the memory had just physically hit her, triggered something. It was the tiny pebble that broke the rapidly cracking dam. Mikasa looked down, as she felt her body tremble and a strong lump forming in her throat.
Suddenly, she wasn't able to compose herself as she sobbed, covering her mouth with her hand, not wanting anyone to hear her break down even though she was alone. Armin was at a meeting with Levi, Hange and some political members of Marley, while Sasha and Connie babysat Carla to allow Mikasa some time to visit with Eren. Mikasa curled up more against the tree as she let her tears fall and she sobbed softly into her hand, feeling her entire body become heavy with heartache and grief.
Now that some time had passed..she had let go of her anger with Eren, and she was left with nothing but love and mourning for him. Part of her wished she would have stayed angry because at least then...it wouldn't hurt so much. But she remembered him as he was on the paths.
"I want...to see you again...Eren..." She spoke, somewhat calming her crying as she wiped her eyes. As she looked down hopelessly, feeling her body start to shut down...she heard the sudden flapping of wings and a white bird gripped her red scarf with its talons, as if trying to wrap it better around her. Mikasa's eyes widened, staring at the bird in a moment of slow motion, and before she could fully react the bird flew away, leaving some feathers behind as it moved freely throughout the blue sky. Mikasa stood up, looking up towards the sky at the bird, at first in shock, blinking the tears that were still wet on her bottom eyelids...but then she smiled tearfully as she felt a sense of clarity. Eren was free...and it was time to let him rest.
Mikasa then wiped her eyes and looked at Eren's grave again. She gently gripped her scarf with her fist, gazing down at it lovingly before feeling a slightly strong breeze flow through her, blowing her long hair and the scarf through the wind. As if that was the final piece of convincing she needed, Mikasa very slowly removed her scarf, holding it carefully.
She then slowly knelt down in front of his grave and began to wrap the old scarf around the headstone, being careful not to cover the epitaph, tying it neatly to ensure the wind wouldn't blow it away, gently pushing it down a bit against the ground to ensure it wouldn't come loose. When she finished carefully wrapping it, she had a short flashback of the first night they met...when Eren wrapped this scarf around Mikasa and took her hand, telling her they had to get home...after saving her life.
She could feel her body struggling not to break again, as she hung her head, choking back a sob before smiling tearfully at the grave.
"Thank you for wrapping your scarf around me..." She said softly and tearfully, before finally standing up. She gazed at his grave one final time...knowing it was time to move on with her life. But still...even though Mikasa felt strong...she started to feel something within her begin to break...slowly but surely. She couldn't be sure what...but it was becoming harder and harder to mask the storm that was building inside her.
Armin had adjusted well to his new life as a human, and he dedicated most of his time taking care of Mikasa and Carla, watching as his daughter grew, and loving her just as if she was his own kin. His smart mind had been put to work in the politics with Marley, and he and his comrade's collective theories have slowly started to chip away at the generations of anger that were built between them, which was only fueled by Eren's genocide. Although slow, there had been some successions to their ways, and Armin continued to work hard at ensuring a much safer world for his wife and daughter. Humanity though, always continued to hold its grasp on the way of social power, which had often caused numerous issues within their meetings.
Minds just never were able to come together and find a middle ground for the two of them to agree on, as the greed of man often came with its clutch, applying complex situations to many of these already existing problems. By the time the meeting had ended today, tensions still seemed somewhat high... but thanks to Hange's excellent talent in convincing, they were able to leave with something to celebrate... small, but something nonetheless. The meeting had ended early, which left Armin some extra time to meet up with Mikasa before she had to get Carla. Armin knew that with the recent months...Mikasa's curse faded, that these intimate moments alone with her were crucial at such a hard time. He mounted his steed, patting his back before he cantered off towards the tree.
Although Armin's smarts had stayed with him all of this time.. he had found his own self-hatred growing ever since he had lost the strength of his Titan. It acted as some form of safety net.. something he always could rely on when he didn't have anything else. Now... he was just the same as anyone else, and the loss of that safety net had been terrifying for him. Sure, he had Mikasa.. but what would happen if he was met with her life being in danger.. and he couldn't do much about it? He had his grievances with Eren.. but he couldn't shake the feeling that Erens disposal of the Titans had made his self-image distort negatively... causing him to face issues that he had already been haunted by even when he had his Titan. He sighed, pulling himself from his deep thoughts as he carefully rode up the small hill towards the tree. He halted, jumping off of his mount before dismissing him to graze, praising him softly before he walked the rest of the way. He stopped just in front of the tree, his eyes looking down at Erens grave before moving back to Mikasa. He gave her a warm smile, noticing the tears still sparkling in her dark-toned eyes.
"Hi, love... Eren seems to be doing okay... hope you caught him up to everything." Armin's voice came out soft, his words laced with understanding. He chose not to comment on the scarf, being silently proud of his wife but not wanting to make it harder for her by pushing the topic. Mikasa looked at Armin upon hearing his voice, as her expression showcased relief to see him. Through the process of both their mourning, Armin always ensured that Mikasa was able to process such a hard loss through her methods. Everything she needed, he would provide without question. Despite their own love story growing, he knew how much Eren meant to her.. and ensured that her heart had the proper time to heal from everything.
Mikasa rested her head against Armin's shoulder, gripping his hand as she gave a small nod.
"How did the meeting go?" She asked softly, hoping Armin could provide her with some form of distraction from how she was feeling. She nuzzled her cheek against his shoulder a bit more as she kept her gaze down on Eren's grave.
It was difficult for Mikasa to explain what she was feeling. Her entire body felt heavy, and it was becoming more and more physically difficult for her to talk, or even glance in a different direction. Her mind had been growing increasingly numb over the past few days as well, and the only times she smiled without tears in her eyes was when she was spending time with her husband and daughter. But even then...more and more frequently she was seen spacing out and getting lost in her head.
She also couldn't shake a persistent ache in her heart, as well as less and less desire to eat. Her mental health was declining slowly, as years of PTSD and trauma caught up with her once the power of the Ackermans was gone. And just these last few days it was starting to become more evident. As each day went by, Mikasa found herself shutting down more and more, and her nights were starting to become plagued with nightmares.
Armin naturally moved to embrace her tightly, his hand carefully rubbing her shoulder as he leaned his head against hers. He could sense her distress, frowning softly as he squeezed her softly, closing his eyes. He stared down towards the tree, silently asking Eren to provide his strength for them through this hard time.
"Meeting went about as well as you would hope... there's still some tension. But Hange was able to do some convincing.. and we left on a positive note... I told her to make you some of that stew you like. Hopefully, it'll bring that appetite back some.." Armin explained, his words laced with worry... but never proved to be forceful.
Through everything that Eren had said to him in those paths.. two things had stuck out heavily and connected almost immediately after a few months of processing. He knew these were the hard times he had mentioned, and although he had worried about how well he was helping her... he still continued to ensure that he did everything he could, never asking questions or pushing sensitive topics.. and always taking over Carla when she had seemed to be overwhelmed. He carefully kissed her head, squeezing her hand tightly.
"You're my strong girl... you know that darling... I'm always here for you... it's okay to lean on me..." Armin offered softly, allowing the suggestion to linger in the air for a moment, hoping it would stick with her, and come into play when she finally breaks.
Mikasa didn't answer this time, seeming to be shutting down more and more. She squeezed Armin's hand gently, struggling to find any words. She gave Eren's glance one more look before the two returned to their home that evening. Mikasa was silent the entire time they spent untacking the horses and leading them into their stalls inside the barn. She quietly filled her horse's hay basket, before petting the mare gently. After ensuring her mount had water, she exited the stall and closed it, hooking the lock. As they exited the barn, she began to fidget with her hands, gripping her fingers with the others as she seemed to struggle to hold still for too long. Her head remained hanging low, as the couple entered the large cabin.
It was much more spacious than their first cabin, with better-made thicker walls and more furniture. The living room had a single, but large couch with two cozy-looking armchairs and a coffee table. The setup was facing a large fireplace, and there were several bookshelves against the wall nearby. The kitchen was also bigger, with more counter space, cabinets, and a bigger dining table with more chairs. There were also stairs, which led to the second floor where all the bedrooms were. Armin and Mikasa's room was quite cozy, with a comfortable bed with a chocolate brown comforter and plenty of pillows, as well as a desk with a chair, wardrobe two bedside tables, and a rug. In the next bedroom over, was Carla's nursery. It had hardwood floors, a crib with pink bedding, a changing table, and a dresser full of her clothes. There was a big chest full of toys, and a shelf with stuffed animals. There was a play mat for her, and a rocking chair for Mikasa to relax in by the window. The other two bedrooms were guest rooms, for whenever Hange or Sasha wanted to stay the night, though they still needed proper beds.
Carla was on a play mat in the living room, chewing on a toy and gripping another in her hand. She babbled a lot, waving her toy around and off and on looking over at Hange who was in the kitchen. When Mikasa entered their home, she smiled softly at her daughter, going over and kneeling down to lift her and hug her close. Carla babbled happily, nuzzling against her mom, keeping a firm hold on her toy.
"Hi little butterfly...did you have a good day with Nana Hange?" Mikasa asked gently.
Armin entered after Mikasa, carefully removing his outer coat before hanging it on the rack that sat just beside the door. He then moved to immediately loosen the tie from his neck, carefully placing it down on the coffee table. He watched as Mikasa approached their baby girl, smiling softly as he noticed that beautiful smile attempting to peek through. Armin could sense though.. that it was getting harder and harder for her to find happiness within the mindset she was facing.
There had been an internal war, and she was exhausting herself on the front lines. Even now after all of this time away from the scouts and battlefield.. Mikasa was still one of the strongest warriors Armin looked up to. Slowly, he walked up, moving to embrace Mikasa carefully from behind. His hands had made sure to be slow and careful, using small gestures to let Mikasa know of his whereabouts, hoping to ease some of that anxiety from her. He gently wrapped his arms around her front, his hands settling on her stomach as he leaned his head against her shoulder, peaking over to look at Carla.
"Look at my two pretty girls...how's my little angel doing?" Armin questioned softly, cooing at her as his hand reached up to tickle her little belly, causing Carla to giggle.
"Today we learned something new...didn't we little miss?" Hange chimed in from the kitchen. She had remained standing over the sink, peeling the potatoes swiftly with a knife, allowing the peels to fall into the sink as the faucet ran.. filling a large pan with water.
"We learned that Carla isn't a fan of potatoes.. yet. She couldn't quite figure out why it was about the size of her head. Sasha will have a fit if she hears about that." Hange attempted to humor the situation, sensing the unease in the air.
Mikasa gently cuddled Carla close, as she brushed her fingers through the baby's thick head of hair.
"Is that so, little one?" She asked softly, nuzzling her baby close as she mostly stayed quiet. She stood up, carrying Carla with her as she sat down on the couch, gently patting Carla's back and rocking her softly. Carla nuzzled against the crook of Mikasa's neck, yawning and resting her little head against her mom's shoulder.
"You had a busy day, didn't you sweetheart?" Mikasa cooed softly, kissing Carla's forehead and gently rocking her, slowly soothing the little one to sleep. Her eyes seemed to be traveling somewhere else, as her mind continued to shut down. And as minutes passed, it just seemed to be getting worse and worse.
Every fiber of Mikasa's body was fighting against these strange new urges to just...break down and cry until she had no tears left. But it was even more than that. Every part of Mikasa just wanted to curl up and vanish...it was taking all her energy to fight off these newfound feelings...that to a normal person, were completely natural. But to someone like Mikasa, who's never had to deal with these feelings before...it was maddening and exhausting. She was strong...real strong. She was a warrior...a soldier...a mother...she couldn't let herself fall apart. She and Armin had made it this far...she couldn't jeopardize that by falling apart this late into things. She knew Armin struggled with his self-hatred...and she knew he had worries of filling the shoes of Eren.
She never wanted him to feel useless or like he wasn't enough. And for that reason, she refused to break in front of him. She also couldn't let herself be a wreck around her daughter. She wanted Carla to grow up in a happy household...she didn't want her to grow up with a depressed mother who constantly looked sad and stayed in bed most days. Mikasa refused to put her baby girl through that. But...she was becoming exhausted by the minute.
Armin watched the two, frowning softly as he heaved a soft exhale. He made his way towards the kitchen, allowing Mikasa and Carla a moment to rest alone. When he reached the kitchen, Armin made his way to Hange's side. He rolled up his sleeves before moving in to help Hange with prepping the ingredients. The two shared a moment of silence as they remained focused on their tasks, Armin's eyes blinking softly as he found his mind riddled with worry for Mikasa, practically paralyzing his thoughts. As he continued in his haze, he suddenly felt the sharp sting against his thumb, shooting his mind back to reality as he flinched away, dropping the knife into the sink as droplets of blood followed in its path. Armin cradled his hand, gently easing up the bleeding from the small cut, lowering his head as he heaved a soft sigh.
"How is she doing?" Hange asked hushedly, ignoring Armin's jumbled movements and a small cut, keeping her glance locked on her task. Her voice seemed to be laced with worry, recognizing Mikasa's declining state in her recent visits. Slowly, she peeled and cut the last of the potatoes, throwing them into the massive pan of water before moving it over to the stove, turning its flame onto medium heat.
"I'm worried sick Hange... I can tell that anything is going to make her snap... I hate seeing her hurt so much..." Armin responded softly, allowing his voice to crack slightly in his worry as he moved over towards the faucet, washing off the cut on his finger. He wiped his hands off with a rag, watching as Hange kept her back to him, maintaining her focus on the stew, ensuring it was going to be one of her best batches yet.
"What if I can't do enough for her... what if we made the wrong decision and I lose her to..." He wondered fearfully.
"You aren't going to lose her to anything, Armin. Mikasa is not the kind of woman to make her choices lightly. She knew she wanted you, and she never held any doubts over that. You're doing just fine... but remember.." Hange paused for a moment, straightening her posture slightly as she blinked for a moment, staring at the wall as she collected her thoughts.
"Mikasa has lost a lot and has no idea how to cope with that. She was once one of the strongest warriors who never had to face the weaknesses she's facing now. Be patient with her... she'll come to you on her own time." Hange explained softly, her tone growing harshly stern as she sighed softly. "She wouldn't leave you or her daughter... so don't ever think like that."
Like the night before, Mikasa didn't eat much at dinner. Apart from a few bites, and some sips of water, she mostly just remained quiet and still. She only ate enough to keep her body able to still nurse Carla. But any nutrients for herself...she didn't seem to care much about. She had also gone eerily silent during dinner, her eyes darkened and somewhere else. After dinner, she was also quiet when helping Hange wash the dishes, and she stayed quiet after putting a sleeping Carla to bed in her crib upstairs. She gently tucked her daughter in with a warm blanket, stroking her hair and leaving her favorite toy, a little plush cat, right beside her. Mikasa's eyes softened, allowing a brief amount of light as she gazed down at her little one, before walking away from the crib and shutting the light off. She kept the door halfway open so she and Armin could hear Carla if she woke up in the middle of the night. To both the new parents' relief though, Carla normally slept soundly through the night, usually not waking up until around 6 or 7 in the morning.
After making her way down the hallway, Mikasa entered the bedroom. She could hear the shower water running in the bathroom, and she walked over to the dresser that was by the window as she waited for Armin to come into the bedroom. She gripped the edges of the dresser, staring down at the oak wood, trying to clear her thoughts. She could feel her shoulders trembling as she felt her nails dig harder into the wood. Her mind, which had been extremely numb for the last few days...was now fighting to allow all her thoughts to come pouring in.
She closed her eyes, hearing multiple voices of the ghosts from her past flooding her head. She could hear her mother and father's voices, saying the very things they spoke word for word, moments before they were murdered.
"One day, when you have children of your own, you can pass the symbol onto them" Her mother's voice rang crystal clear in her head like it was just yesterday. And almost instantly, a flash of her mother's body falling to the ground, popped in her mind. Blood splattered out of the deep wound in her shoulder as she reached out desperately trying to protect Mikasa, before hitting the floor lifelessly in a pool of crimson liquid. Her mother died afraid...scared...did her mother know Mikasa was safe now? Was her spirit tormented in whatever afterlife there was?
"How about we ask Dr Jaeger about it, honey? He'll be here any minute" Her father's voice rang in her ears next...followed instantly by seeing his lifeless body slumped on the floor, with the knife in his chest. He didn't even get the chance to protect Mikasa or her mother...
And Mikasa couldn't do a thing to save either of them. She just...stood there, scared and confused. As useless as any child would be in that situation.
"Mikasa, the boy must be protected from himself. Promise me you'll always have his back" Carla's voice was next...her frantic, worried voice. And instantly after...her body was eaten by that titan. She fought to the very end to protect Mikasa and Eren...and Mikasa couldn't do a thing to save her. No matter how hard she tried to lift that debris, she just...couldn't. She remembered how hard she tried...pulling and straining to lift that debris off of her second mother...and being completely powerless.
"Mikasa...I'll always wrap your scarf. Always and forever...that's a promise!" Eren's voice rang in her ears next...and once again...she couldn't do a thing to help him that day. She had been injured...and was completely useless. And because of that...they lost Hannes.
Mikasa stood there, feeling her body start to slowly shake violently. She constantly told herself that she was strong...but there had been countless incidents where she was weak. Even with her Ackerman abilities...even with her training...she lost so many people as a result of her weakness.
Mikasa gripped the dresser's edge tighter as she squeezed her eyes tightly, trying to block out all of the memories. But it was like something had opened the floodgates...and it wouldn't stop. Like an uncontrollable tide that had been held back for years, gradually building up, filling more and more with water. And there was no stopping it anymore. It all suddenly crashed down on Mikasa at once, weighing her down, heavier than even she could handle. Like a massive tsunami during a natural disaster. Her parents, Carla, Grisha, Hannes, Eren...all of them...she couldn't save a single one of them.
When was the last time she even visited her parents' gravesites? Did she ever even do that? What about Eren's? Did she visit him today? She couldn't....remember. Panic began to rise within Mikasa as everything hit all at once, and her mind became a blurry fog as her first real trauma response began to kick in. Who was to say she wouldn't lose Armin? Or Carla..or Hange? Even with the Titans gone,...war would eventually resume...she would lose everyone close to her...like she always did. Her entire life...she was fighting. And losing. It was...unbearable. And Mikasa couldn't take it anymore. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts, that she didn't hear the shower had turned off and Armin approaching the bedroom.
Why..? Why couldn't she save her parents? Why couldn't she save Carla? Or Hannes? Or...even Eren. Mikasa had been gripping the dresser's edge so tightly, her nails cut into the wood, some of them breaking slightly, her nails bending and being ripped backward from the pressure, some blood forming and dripping onto the floor from the now injured nail beds. She kept her eyes squeezed tightly, her last ditch effort to stop herself from fully breaking...when suddenly a very specific memory flashed in her mind.
It was such a random memory...but she remembered the day they were at the ocean. She and Armin were playing...but Eren just stood by himself. Tormented by the memories of the past and future all at once. And as he stood there, carrying that burden...Mikasa didn't do anything to console him. Why? Why didn't she just reach out to him...when it was so clear he was in pain? The last thing that flashed in her head was Eren's pained expression...and as if the rest of her memories suddenly went on fast forward, the gruesome images of her parents...Carla and even Eren...all hit her at once. This caused several tears to start flooding out of Mikasa's eyes, despite them being squeezed shut, as she was unable to hold them back any longer.
Suddenly, Mikasa let out a loud, agonizing scream as she felt her knees give out. She fell hard to the floor, and curled up against the dresser, covering her ears and screaming more, letting out loud, uncontrollable sobs as she began to weakly bang the side of her head against the hard piece of furniture, her entire body shaking and her heart pounding.
Two of her fingernails were badly ripped from digging into the dresser, as they bled quite a bit. In her head, all she could see was all the people she failed...circling her and demanding why she didn't save them.
Armin had spent a few extra minutes in the warmth of the shower, letting the water trickling down his bare back soothe his racing thoughts as he carefully collected them. When he had gotten out, the house had an eerie feeling to it... and the silence had been one that had caused Armin's heart to begin to race, as tensions formed in his shoulders. He had wasted no time dressing himself, drying his blonde hair as he made his way out of the bathroom and into the hallway. He blinked softly, staring in front of him as his legs naturally carried him to the bedroom, his mind falling into a hard haze.
Without warning, Armin's mind was snapped free from the grasp of his worries with the sound of a bloodcurdling scream. His heart sank deep into his chest, and he immediately dropped the towel in his hand before racing to the bedroom, busting through the partially closed door. He froze in his place, his eyes immediately falling on Mikasa as she remained curled up against the dresser, her sobs echoing painfully through his ears. A look of horror fell upon his face, and it took him a few moments to snap from his frozen state, dropping to his knees beside her.
He felt his own hands begin to tremble, noticing the blood gushing from her hand, leaving a crimson trail on her skin. Tears surfaced in his eyes as he watched her body and mind break before him, giving way to the emotions that she had been holding onto after all of these years. She didn't deserve this... she didn't deserve to be forced under the title of the strongest soldier... the one who was meant to protect everyone, and ensure their safety before she ensured her own. Ever since she was a kid, the world had paved her a path of nothing but hurt and destruction, forcing her to connect with those she only was destined to die.. either to her hand or to others. Her life had been riddled with little happy memories, while her entire being had been defined by the trauma she had faced and the name she had held... and with its disappearance, she was left to fight without the weapons she had grown so used to.
The thought brought tears to Armin's eyes as he blinked softly, allowing them to fall down his cheek as he gently moved to grab her wrists, slowly pulling her hands from her head. He watched her carefully, moving to grab her hands in a firm embrace, squeezing them softly in a frantic attempt to ground her from her breakdown.
"Mikasa.. hey.. it's Armin... I'm right here sweetheart... you're home... it's okay.." Armin spoke softly, his voice trembling with emotion as he kept her hands in her lap, ignoring the blood spilling onto his own as he carefully sat on the floor beside her. He composed his trembling, swallowing his anxieties for a moment as he allowed his features to harden, watching her carefully as his thumbs ran along the top of her knuckles.
"Come on honey.. come back to me... it's alright.." Armin continued, keeping his tearful eyes trained on her.
For a long moment, Mikasa didn't seem to even notice Armin. She kept her eyes squeezed shut as tears flooded down her face. She sobbed violently, lowering her head and crushing onto Armin's hands tightly, shaking her head as the memories wouldn't stop flooding her mind. "NO! MAKE IT STOP!" She screamed out, wanting the voices in her head to stop as she slammed her head against the dresser rather hard this time, before crying out and collapsing into Armin's lap, her entire body began to shake uncontrollably as she clung to him tightly, sobbing into his chest and keeping her eyes squeezed tightly.
"I...I couldn't do anything...I couldn't...I couldn't...save them...I...they needed me...and I couldn't do anything...what have I done...? What if I lose you..and Carla..." Mikasa's voice was heavily broken, sobbing in between each few words, as she clung to Armin tighter and tighter, starting to hyperventilate.
"I can't take this Armin...I can't...please..make it stop..please..." She pleaded in between sobs, burying her face in Armin's chest, muffling another scream of agony, sobbing loudly and nonstop, as her tears soaked his front. It was as if after years of masking and suppressing her pain...it was all just pouring out.
Armin immediately moved to pull Mikasa more into his lap, embracing her tightly as he rocked her gently. He ran his fingers through her hair, leaning back against the dresser as he planted a gentle kiss on her head, hushing her softly. He felt his heart shatter as her sobs and pleas echoed through the room around them. He kept his tight grip on her, restraining her trembling body against his as he continued to caress her back carefully. His tears continued to stream down his cheeks as he watched his lifetime partner crash under the weight she had been holding up for years, noticing the fear in her voice as he choked back his cries, moving to hold her tightly once more.
"Listen to me Mikasa... it isn't your fault... you were forced to take the weight of humanity's worst nightmares... you were just a little girl...It isn't your fault..." Armin explained softly as he continued to rock her gently, ensuring to repeat that specific phrase... hoping it would engrave itself in her mind just as those awful memories did.
"You aren't losing me and you aren't losing Carla... we have a long life ahead of us.. and I promise you I am going to make sure nothing happens to us, darling..." He assured her softly, gripping her shirt tightly.
"Everyone had their purpose in dying... that's the sad reality of death...but none of it will ever be your fault..." Armin continued, growing silent as he heard her cries for help, feeling his chest tighten as he paused for a moment, allowing his cries to escape him softly. His arms wrapped around her back tightly, pressing her body against his as he leaned his head back against the dresser, staring up at the ceiling as he attempted to gather his composure.
"I know my love I know... I know it hurts... but you're my strong girl... a butterfly with clipped wings... you feel so lost and afraid without them... but now is your time to heal... to grow a new pair... one of your own will... it hurts... but you have so many people here with you Mikasa... you are so deeply loved... Let your strength go... I got your back now..."
"I...I don't know how to let it go, Armin...I've never had to before..." Mikasa confessed weakly, as she clung tighter to him, choking back a sob. Slowly, Mikasa's cries began to quiet down as did her trembling. She was clinging to Armin for dear life, terrified that somehow he was going to disappear too.
Amazingly, Carla hadn't woken up during this, remaining sound asleep in her crib. Mikasa lay weakly in Armin's embrace, feeling her body begin to tire out quickly. She had exhausted herself with her breakdown..she must have been crying for at least an hour if not two. Now she felt weak and heavy.
If it wasn't for the persistent stinging and burning of her ripped nails, she would have passed out right there. Finally, Mikasa wrapped her arms around Armin and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shoulder and exhaling shakily.
"Please..don't leave me...I can't lose anyone else..please baby..." Mikasa pleaded weakly, her voice sounding a bit quiet and slightly raspy as her throat hurt from her screams. It was the first time Mikasa truly let herself break...letting out all her grief for the people she had lost.
There was...one other time though that she broke down this violently...and it was actually when they had nearly lost Armin when they were forced to choose between his life and Erwin's. She had been able to mask and suppress for everyone else..but when faced with losing Armin...she couldn't conceal it. It seemed to put it in perspective how much she loved him.
"Let me teach you... it will take time... but we got the rest of this long life don't we, my love..?" Armin whispered in response, holding onto her tightly as he felt her body begin to grow heavy against him, and her cries began to quiet.
He could feel her body shutting down from this break, his eyes sadly looking down at her as he silently watched her for a moment, allowing his words to hang in the air as she continued to calm down. For a while, Armin stayed on the floor with her, carefully caressing her back as he occasionally placed a gentle kiss on top of her head.
After a few moments, Mikasa had finally spoken up through the silence, and he felt her heavy head against his shoulder. Her words seemed to bring back the same memory of when he had been so close to death.. he could feel nothing but numbness.. and an overwhelming warmth that had surrounded him. He could hear the frantic voices of his friends... but they had been so mumbled he was barely able to comprehend what was going on.
One voice stood out though.. and it was the cries of his childhood friend. The break had been just the same then as it was here, and the thought struck a realization within him. This connection between them had been much closer than he ever believed... but it was her love for Eren that had complicated so much. If he had given up right there just as he wanted to.. she would have been left alone to face all of the things she had to face now. He blinked softly, tightening his grip on her as he hushed her gently. His fingers brushed through her hair, allowing it to lay neatly against her back.
"I promise on everything... I will not leave you darling... and when we no longer can love each other in this world... I will find you in the afterlife... and love you all over again... whatever it takes..." Armin promised her, leaning his head down to kiss her cheek softly.
Finally, he moved to cradle her against him, before pushing himself to his feet. His time in the scouts had proven to improve his strength greatly, and now especially as he was older.. he was easily able to carry Mikasa. Unfortunately, it had been due to having to carry the corpses of his fallen comrades... but he did his best to find positives within that reality.
He held her tightly against his chest, gently carrying her over to the bed before setting her down. He then knelt before her, carefully grabbing her bloodied hand.
"You won't have to ever worry about anyone leaving you anymore.. that path in your life is over..." Armin reassured softly, extending her fingers as he studied them. He noticed that two of her fingernails had been practically ripped off, gushing blood. Armin cringed at the sight, gently laying her hand back down before he stood tall, looking towards the door.
As Mikasa was settled into the bed, and her breakdown gradually seemed to die down...any adrenaline she had pumping through her had vanished which led to her feeling the stinging pain in her two ripped nails.
Mikasa winced, which normally with her Ackerman abilities that's all she would do in a reaction to a minor injury like this. But the pain just seemed to persist, getting worse and worse, becoming too much for Mikasa to ignore. She surprised even herself, crying out and clutching her hand and grimacing in pain.
"I have to go get something for these nails my love.. are you okay alone for just a few moments? I promise I'll be right back." Armin said softly.
At Armin's question, she gave a weak nod. She clutched her hand tightly, her heart pounding still in her chest. Her head hurt too...but it wasn't like her Ackerman headaches. It was a natural one...easily brought on by a meltdown. But it still hurt like hell. Mikasa's mind was still a mess, and she wasn't sure if she was fully okay yet or not...she felt like a ticking time bomb, ready to break down again at any moment.
Somewhere in her mind though, her motherly instincts kicked in and she froze, realizing how loud she had been. Frantically, she grabbed Armin's sleeve, pulling him back over before he could reach the door.
"Armin..! Wait! Can you make sure Carla is okay? I didn't wake her, or scare her did I?" She asked, her voice breaking as she gripped his sleeve tightly with her uninjured hand, her eyes anxious.
She didn't want her daughter to hear this...even if she was still so young...it didn't matter. Mikasa wanted Carla to have a happy childhood...the kind her parents gave her growing up. She promised her mother...that she would do the same for her children. She had to honor that...it was the least she could do.
Armin immediately paused as he felt her grasp onto his sleeve. He looked back at her for a moment, keeping his expression soft as he stared down at her for a moment. His brows furrowed worriedly, but he gave her a gentle nod, leaning his head down and kissing her head carefully.
Armin knew just how much Carla's childhood had meant to her, and it had complicated matters especially when she was facing such a hard mental battle. Carla, like Armin, had meant the world to her, and her love had often overtaken her desire to help herself and allow herself to heal. This realization helped Armin recognize just how important his help was going to be during this crucial healing point in her life.
She had spent all of her life suppressing all of this trauma, bottling it up until the bottle couldn't hold it anymore.. flooding over and drowning her in her overwhelming emotions.
"I'll check in on her, I'm sure she's sleeping soundly..." Armin reassured softly, pulling away before making his way to the hallway.
First, Armin quietly snuck his way into Carla's room, silently opening the door to the darkroom before approaching her crib. He leaned over it carefully, using the light from the hallway to illuminate her features. She hadn't shifted much from when she was first put down, and her chest heaved softly as little snores escaped her body. A small smile peaked at his lips, and he gently leaned forward to kiss her cheek softly, whispering a soft apology to her before he pulled away. Armin then made his exit, shutting the door slightly once more before he made his way towards the bathroom.
After a few brief moments, Armin returned to the bedroom with his arms full of numerous supplies. Held tightly in one of his hands was a small mason jar full of freshly cut lavender flowers, their stems flooded in the water that he had filled the jar with.
He walked over to the window, placing the jar down carefully on its sill. He took a moment to straighten its flowers, smiling softly at their beauty for a moment. Finally, he made his way back to the bed, sitting down beside Mikasa as he laid his materials out before them on the comforter. He carefully grabbed her hand, extending her bloodied fingers once more before he shot her a worried glance, silently warning her about the amount of pain she was about to face.
He allowed the two of them to sit in silence for a moment as he began to prepare some medicine as well as some wraps for her fingers, his eyes trained on his tasks.
Mikasa watched as Armin sat beside her, seeing all the bandages and other medicine he had brought over. She gripped his sleeve again, suddenly clinging to him hard. Much harder than she ever had before.
She weakly leaned her head against his shoulder, as she took his silence as a sign Carla was okay. She exhaled tiredly, before wincing again, clutching her hand. It was almost irritating how much it hurt. With her Ackerman abilities, an injury like this wouldn't have phased her all that much.
During the time with those abilities, the most that Mikasa felt pain was when her ribs were fractured, and when she went through labor with her daughter. But otherwise...injuries were never a big problem for Mikasa. Yet now, here she sat, practically paralyzed in pain from two ripped fingernails. She felt frustrated, wishing she still had her abilities.
In her thoughts, she also felt a level of embarrassment at her meltdown. She had never been like this before...not to this extreme. At least when she broke down when Armin nearly died...she had a good reason at that moment. But here...all she was doing was getting ready for bed and she completely lost it. It made her feel weak, even crazy...and she was scared.
Would she always be like this? What if this happened in front of Carla? Would she be burdening Armin and Hange with her mental state for the rest of their lives? Mikasa flinched, being pulled out of her thoughts as she felt Armin apply some medicine, causing her empty nail beds to sting bad. She grimaced, unable to hold back a slight whimper, her shoulders trembling. As the stinging pain slowly subsided, she gripped Armin's sleeve tighter with her good hand.
"I'm sorry Armin..." She finally spoke, her voice coming out small and cracked, unable to hide a level of shame in her tone.
Armin carefully wrapped her fingers, allowing the medicine to remain firmly against the bed of her nails, while the gauze and cotton pads slowed down her bleeding. He flinched back slightly as he noticed her soft whimper, frowning as he trained his eyes on her, watching her carefully as he pulled away, moving to caress her thigh lovingly. He recognized how much pain she had been in, and how foreign this all must have been to her. After spending most of his life with her, even with the Ackerman abilities... Armin had learned ways to read her and try to understand what just had been going on in her foggy mind.
Now, these haunting thoughts had surfaced much more, and Mikasa had to face the reality that was her life without this strength being held to her name. He quickly finished wrapping her fingers, carefully caressing her hand gently as he watched her pained face worriedly.
Armin also heard the shame in her soft tone as she finally broke the silence between them. He blinked softly, leaning his head against hers as he reached his hand up to caress her cheek, using his thumb to dry the tears from her cheek.
"Don't be sorry, Mikasa... I harvested some lavender from our plant outside. Historia has been helping a lot of people just like you, and lavender has been something she suggested. I set it up by the window so it could continue to get some sun... hopefully it'll help you." Armin explained quietly, pulling away from her before motioning towards the jar of flowers near the window. He then shot her a warm smile, his hands reaching up to cup her cheeks softly, lifting her heavy head.
"I love you, Mikasa, through thick and thin... that isn't going to ever change. I'll go through anything if it means I get to wake up to this beautiful girl... I don't want you to face this alone... so I'm not going anywhere.."
Mikasa looked at Armin, listening to his sweet words as she felt her eyelids grow heavy with tears. She looked away briefly, wiping her eyes with her sleeve and sniffled softly, before leaning her head against his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist, attempting to slow her breathing as she let some more tears stream down her face. As she attempted to calm her thoughts, she couldn't help but feel...grateful and glad that she still had Armin. She wasn't sure what she would have done without him..and that included during her pregnancy. For the past seven months, her body and mind had been through so much...all at once it felt like. And now the poor girl was exhausted, she was at her limit, physically and mentally.
As she kept her arms around Armin, her eyelids began to feel heavy as the stinging pain in her fingers began to ease off a bit from being covered. She nuzzled against his chest, exhaling softly as she could feel her body become heavier and heavier. Having worn herself out from her breakdown, Mikasa began to pass out in Armin's embrace, trying her best to inhale the scent of the lavender in the window.
"I love you Armin..please...don't go anywhere.." She mumbled a bit, struggling to keep herself awake, but her arms were gradually going limp as her eyes closed.
Armin melted against her embrace, moving to wrap his own arms around her shoulders, pulling her close against his warmth as he laid his head on top of hers. He felt her exhaustion weighing down on her, smiling softly as he felt her mind and body be somewhat at ease after such a hard break, although it was purely after it had fully worn itself out. He smiled warmly, carefully moving to settle into the bed with her embraced in his arms, covering her in the warm comforter as his hands rubbed her back.
"I love you too Mikasa... in sickness and in health..." Armin reminded her of the promises he made in his vows to her, ensuring her that he had no intentions of leaving her.
He melted against the mattress as he fell silent, allowing Mikasa to drift off into her deep slumber. He stared at the ceiling for a moment, allowing his own thoughts to die down for the night, his worries for her naturally had risen above all in importance, and a constant heavy weight on his heart had begun as a result.
But.. he often referred to Erens words as a form of reassurance when he had his self-doubts. It helped sometimes and confused him others... but it was there as a sign, to take care of her no matter what.
Slowly, he felt his mind settle, and his own eyes began to grow heavy. Mikasa's soft breathing had drifted him off into his slumber, and the two slept tightly embraced in each other's arms.