Hello friends, weekly Wednesday update!
Been writing quite a lot and I've been loving it so much! Excited where the story is going and I hope you are too ♥️
Don't have much to say this time except thank you for being here and I'd love it if you could leave a vote to let me know you're here 🫶🏻
Please enjoy this chapter! Really hope to hear your thoughts on it. I'll see you again this Friday with another chapter ♥️
Word count: 3791
~~
"I'm gonna go for a smoke baby. Wanna come or you wanna stay here? Think it's pretty cold out", Tyler said. "I'll come, I don't mind", Josh said. Tyler smiled and he leaned in to kiss Josh's cheek. Then he untangled his legs from Josh's and he got up, stretching his arms as he let out a yawn. "Oh man", he sighed. "Aside from the nightmare, I slept great", he said with a chuckle. "Sucks that it had to end like that."
"It did look like you were sleeping well", Josh smiled. Steve and Luke said so too. "Ah man they spied on me too huh", he joked. "C'mon baby", Tyler said as he laced his fingers with Josh's and he led him on to the balcony. Tyler lit a cigarette and he stood at the balustrade, leaning on it as he overlooked the city. Josh stood next to him, slightly shivering. Tyler noticed. "C'mon, get in here", he chuckled. Josh blushed and he scooted over, bumping into Tyler gently. The warmth radiating from Tyler's body definitely helped. Tyler wrapped his arm around Josh to keep him closer and warmer. "Are you sure you're okay with not going to bed?" Tyler asked. "I'm not tired", Josh smiled. "Totally fine with that."
"Good", Tyler replied as he kissed Josh's hair. "Can't believe I slept for so long", he said. "What do you wanna do?" he asked. "I... don't know", Josh said. "Maybe you can play the game? Or we could continue the tv show", Josh said. "...or we go for a walk?" Tyler asked. "...What do you mean?" Josh asked. "It's past 3 AM, it's a random week day... There's always the chance of people being awake but it's nowhere near what it is earlier in the night or throughout the day", Tyler said.
"But isn't it, like... dangerous?" Josh asked. Tyler took a drag from his cigarette. "I guess it's not without danger, and I know Detroit is notorious for being unsafe, but... this is a generally safe area", Tyler said. "plus, people exaggerate. It's not like you step outside and are shot in the head", he added. "The media kind of exaggerates too I think. If we don't go looking for trouble, like trying to buy drugs or get laid, the chance that something will happen especially in this area, is really small", he said, and Josh let out a laugh. "Not looking to get laid or get illegal drugs from a stranger indeed", he giggled, and Tyler smiled. "Exactly", he smiled. "I know Steve and Luke and Mike will probably hat me if we go outside and they find out, but... it'll be too late anyways, we'll already be back", Tyler shrugged.
"...unless you don't want to, for whatever reason it might be. I definitely won't go on my own and I really do not wanna go if you don't", Tyler added.
"...I mean, I would like it", he blushed. "I'd enjoy it." "Are you sure?" Tyler smiled and Josh nodded. Tyler pecked his cheek. "I'll grab you my jacket", he told him as he finished the cigarette and he extinguished it. He then went inside, leaving Josh by the balustrade.
As he came back, he held the jacket open for Josh to get his arms into the sleeves. "Alright little lovebird, you think that's good enough to stay warm?" Tyler asked as he looked into Josh's eyes. It made Josh blush.
Lovebird.
"I think so", Josh nodded, still blushing. Tyler smiled. "Perfect. Let me close up and then we can go", Tyler said as he grabbed Josh's hand and he lead him inside. He locked up and they went down to the main level and out of the building. Tyler's hand was still holding Josh's, and it made him blush. Tyler had the hood of his hoodie on his head, so he was less recognizable, but definitely not for Josh.
The cold spring night air blew right through the fabric of Josh's jacket, but he didn't mind. Even though Tyler's jacket wasn't as warm as he expected, it was still Tyler's jacket - and that thought alone made it much warmer. They walked down the street and Tyler made them take a turn as Josh watched the dancing city lights, but mostly he watched Tyler, as his hand was still in Tyler's.
He felt Tyler shiver slightly, and he wondered how cold Tyler was. "Are you cold?" Josh asked after a while. "Nothing I can't handle", Tyler smiled. "Do you want to have your own jacket?" Josh asked. "No, no you keep it on baby. I wanna feel the cold air, wanna feel the goosebumps and the shivers. Feels like it's waking me up and grounding me, and I can use that right now, he said. "So you just keep my jacket on, love", he said, before he looked at Josh and he sent him a soft smile. Josh returned it.
Walking down the street with Tyler's hand in his felt surreal, but also great. He wished he could walk every street for the rest of his life with Tyler's hand in his like this. It felt incredible, and he wanted it to last forever, and he wished he could hold on to that feeling forever too.
He just wanted to have Tyler so damn badly.
Tyler hummed softly, as he looked around, trying to live in the moment as much as he could. He had walked those streets often but this time he wanted to really take it all in and never forget that he walked here with Josh. He walked here with his friend, his close friend, whom he truly adored. He never wanted to cast Josh out ever again, so sometimes that meant Tyler would be telling himself to not dare self sabotage and push Josh out. He truly could never let that happen.
"What're you humming?" Josh softly asked. Tyler looked at Josh. "Oh, just a song that's been in the works for a while", Tyler said. "Don't know what to do with it fully yet but... It's an idea", he said. Josh nodded with a hum. "I'm sure that whatever you write and release, I'll love every single part about it", Josh said. "I don't think you'll ever be able to do wrong in my eyes, when it comes to your music", he said. Tyler smiled. "It's kind of a sad song", he said. "I like writing sad songs... in case you didn't notice", he said with a soft smile. "I've noticed", Josh smiled. "I like hearing those sad songs", he said. Tyler looked down with a smile. "It goes like this", he said.
"I'm too emotional, I have to let you go. I haven't cleaned my room since last time you came home. And every day that passes by, makes it so much harder to enjoy my life. Though, it's part of growing older. I'm sleeping with the lights off, it's better if I'm blind, so I can get you off my mind, 'cause every time I see you smile, I die a little bit. Heard that you've been doing well. I wonder who you're with. I pretend I don't care, I tell myself you're right here. It's nothing but a nightmare", Tyler sang.
"But every time I see those eyes, I wonder if you know you're keeping me up late at night. I don't know where to go, I pretend I don't care, tell myself you're right here. It's nothing but a nightmare", he continued.
"Gosh that sounds so gorgeous", Josh muttered. "I genuinely don't know how you do it but you blow me away every time", he said softly. It made Tyler smile softly as he looked at Josh. "And they always make me wanna cry", Josh said with a soft laugh and Tyler noticed the teary eyes. "Oh baby", Tyler said as he stopped walking to pull Josh into a tight hug. "I love you, J. You mean so much to me", he said. "You mean the world to me", Josh whispered, as he hugged Tyler tightly and he closed his eyes as he did. Tyler closed his eyes at the words, inhaling shakily. "You mean the world to me too", he softly said.
"Gosh, now I am getting teary eyed too", Tyler said. "Oh I- I'm sorry", Josh stammered as they pulled back. "Don't, baby, never be sorry", he said. "It's just... I've been sitting on this song for years. Literally. I started writing this when Lucas broke up", Tyler said.
"And we're over that, he's got Richard, I'm not in love with him anymore, nothing that isn't platonic at least. But... He was my everything", Tyler said as he laced his hand through Josh's again. "My first true real love, the guy I thought I'd marry and spend the rest of my life with, literally. Then he... left", he said. "And I know it's the right choice he made for both of us, I know we're much better off now, but... Sometimes just thinking about it still hurts, and I know it's pathetic", Tyler said. "But that relationship just meant so much to me, and I just haven't been able to finish this song because of it", he said. "I love Lucas, I'm so happy he's got his forever lover and they're about to start their family... but I am jealous too, that he was able to find his forever and he's making his dreams come true, while I... I'm just... stuck here. alone", Tyler muttered.
"'Cause he couldn't have made his dreams come true with me. Knowing and realizing and acknowledging that, it hurts", Tyler said. "I love Richard to death, J, don't get me wrong. He's absolutely perfect for Lucas and I'd never have it any other way. I want them to be together forever and I'll always support them and love the living hell out of them. But I... I want what they have too, y'know?" He said. "I'm jealous that I can't have what they have", he shrugged softly.
"...guess that's one of the reasons why I haven't been able to release or perfect this song", he said. "Makes it sound like I'm still in love with Lucas too and I don't want Richard to feel like I haven't let Lucas go 'cause I did", he said. "And I don't wanna be jealous of my soulmate, my best fucking friend, but gosh sometimes I can't help it and it's embarrassing", Tyler said.
"No it's not", Josh softly said. "It's not embarrassing and not weird at all. I get jealous so often, at my friends, for actually being able to study, for being able to finish college with no issue, being able to get proper jobs and move out and get their own places... having stable relationships that I can't seem to handle because of my mental health", Josh said. "Being jealous of friends is not... weird, it's... it's really normal actually, Ty", Josh said. "And I know it's different because he was your lover and he left... well, broke up", Josh said. "But still... it;s not something to be embarrassed of or feel bad about 'cause everyone is jealous sometimes Ty, and it's normal to be jealous of people close to you. That doesn't mean you're not unconditionally happy for them. That is not the same",Josh said.
"I adore my friends and I'm so proud of them for achieving everything they're achieving but I still wish I could be like them, and I'm still jealous of that. That's just the truth", Josh shrugged. "And I don't know if I'd admit that, to anyone but you and myself", he admitted. "But I feel safe with you and I... I can so easily admit that to you", Josh said.
"You're not embarrassing", Josh said softly. "You're just human."
"How do you always know the perfect things to say", Tyler sighed softly. Josh let out a soft laugh. "I really don't", he smiled. "Most of the times I'm kind of just speechless and have no clue what to say, so..." he trailed. Tyler smiled. "To me, you always know the perfect things to say", Tyler said as he pressed a kiss on Josh's cheek. "Thank you for liking my song", he smiled. "I love it", Josh said with a soft smile. "More than you'll ever know."
"I got another one for you", Tyler said. "Oh I don't know if I can handle it", Josh said. "Me neither", Tyler chuckled. "But I'm gonna sing it anyways", he smiled as he squeezed Josh's hand gently before he let go. He skipped a little further away, turning around as he walked backwards as Josh followed him. "Here it goes", Tyler said. He cleared his throat, before he started to sing.
"Two moons, I can feel myself start catching on fire. You knew, yeah you kept it to yourself. Two moons, I get lost on my way, searching for liars. This ain't good for my health", Tyler sang. Josh's heart pounded in his chest - it actually felt like it was in his throat, as he listened to Tyler, seeing him lose himself in the lyrics he sang as Tyler moved his arms and hands, his head swaying to the music playing in his head, his eyes closing as he did.
"Sorry, please excuse me for my mess. My heart's been poruing through my chest. I fell through corridors of broken floors. I'm sorry that I left", he continued. "Fell asleep in my new bed, I can't feel happy in my head. I see two moons and nothing more, I close my door, I'm left with less", Tyler continued, and it was a mix between rap and singing.
"I don't feel serene. No, I don't feel too clean. And I don't want to be the one to make you cry. Oh, plain sight, I'll start a fight. I'll tell your friends that I lost my mind. And it'll take a while, but I'll start to smile. Broken windows and broken tiles, frozen willows that go for miles. Hope to let go, yeah, that's a start. And you don't know where my soul's headed. I'm forgetting you, so I say sorry, please excuse me for my mess. My heart's been pouring through my chest", Tyler had the lyrics flow in to the chorus again.
"Left, right, my eyesight is diminishing. My life sucks at night, I try to finish it. Early, pearly, whites get blurry. Surely, I'll go bite the dirty dust. Cuts deeper as my head goes nuts. I'll be a believer if I ever see trust. I must be disgusting rust. God, I hate myself, I just wanna unplug. Yeah, hell no, I go where I want to. But I'm stuck in my bedroom, I'm telling lies to keep myself from hurting those around you. Yeah, after all these years I found you again", Tyler finished the rapping part, then he sang the chorus again. He then hummed the way the music would sound if it had any right now; he hummed what Tyler heard in his head.
"That's it", Tyler said. Josh increased his speed, walking faster before he kind of ran into Tyler with his arms around the man's waist and he hugged him so tight it almost knocked all the air out of Tyler's body. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh. "Oh baby", he said softly as he pressed a few kisses on the side of Josh's head. "I didn't mean to make you cry baby, I'm sorry", Tyler said.
"N-no don't apologize", Josh sniffled. "I- I just- I don't know how to handle these things", he sniffled. "It's just really hard sometimes to- to know you wrote these songs because it- it's how you genuinely feel", he cried. "And that's- that's a lot to handle", he sniffled. "It r-really hurts knowing you're singing these lyrics about- about yourself", his breath hitched.
"Oh baby", Tyler said softly. "I... I get it, I mean... not entirely 'cause I'm the one just writing these songs about me and I'm showing it to you but... I don't know what it's like to be you in this position", Tyler said. "If I imagine you singing these lyrics to me... I'm sure I'd be cryng too", he admitted. "Knowing I wrote the lyrics, it's fine to me but... imagining you'd feel like that, or sing that to me... that'd kill me too", Tyler softly said.
"I wanna make you feel better J", Tyler said softly. Josh shrugged. "You don't have to", he sniffled. "I like being tortured with heartbreaking songs", he said, and Tyler couldn't help but let out a soft laugh. "I love you", he said as he pressed a kiss on Josh's forehead. "You're really so important to me", he said softly.
"I love you", Josh said, letting out a deep, shaky sigh. "So much."
"...if you have anything else you wanna torture me with, we might as well do that now and get it over with", Josh joked, and Tyler smiled. "I got another song that I wrote about Lucas, if you're interested in hearing that", Tyler said. "But it's also kind of sad." "Well I'm obsessed with being sad, so of course I wanna hear it", Josh said. Tyler had mixed feelings about what Josh just said. It hurt, but he understood what he meant too. He just wished Josh wouldn't feel like that.
"Dance with me?" Tyler asked. "H-here?" Josh asked. Tyler nodded, pulling the hood of his hoodie over his head more. Then he did the same for Josh, covering his hair and face with it, then he leaned his forehead against Josh's. "Dance with me here?" He asked. "O-okay", Josh softly replied.
Tyler grabbed Josh's hands, leading him to the middle of the pedestrian street. He wrapped his arms around Josh's waist. "Yours should go around my neck", Tyler smiled. Josh blushed as he did. It kind of felt like how he danced with Jonathon back at the high school dance, but while he loved Jonathon and cherished that moment forever, this time with Tyler felt even ten times more special. Maybe even a hundred.
Tyler started to hum the music, moving gently as he looked into Josh's eyes, and Josh looked back at Tyler's.
"Promise me, promise me you won't try to leave", Tyler sang softly, and Josh's breath hitched slightly. It truly felt like Tyler was singing it to him, and it made his heart shatter and swell at the same time.
"Fall asleep, fall asleep, hiding in my dreams", he continued. "Camouflage, camouflage, it's where I hide my thoughts. Sabotage, sabotage, you know what I'm not", Tyler continued.
"It always starts with my heart. I can feel it go skip two beats, a few days, few weeks. I get obsessed, I get stressed, feel the weight on my chest. It's too much to bear. I don't want to care, so I wear camouflage. It's how I hide my thoughts for you. I feel so awful when I run, but it's harder knowing that you weren't the one", Tyler continued to sing.
That last sentence stung, even though Josh knew this song was not about him. Hearing Tyler sing it to him in such an intimate session, as they swayed to Tyler's words and voice, looking into each other's eyes as he did so; it truly felt like this was being sung to him. Josh tried not to let it impact him too much.
"It's like a fire in my throat. I can barely speak every single breath. Babe, it burns and it hurts and you're making it worse, but I want to see you again. Camouflage, camouflage, it's how I hide my thoughts for you. I feel so awful when I run, but it's harder knowing that you weren't the one", Tyler continued to sing.
"I say it all the time, falling in and out of line. I'm running far, baby, I'm a superstar maybe. In another life we're gonna make it out alive. We're counting stars, say we had it from the start", Tyler kept his eyes on Josh's, but he felt a tear escape. It broke Josh's heart.
"Camouflage, it's how I hide my thoughts for you. I feel so awful when I run but it's harder knowing that you weren't the one. You weren't the one for me, it's true, but I feel lonely without you. You were the only one, the only one I'd choose", Tyler finished the song.
"Gosh that broke my heart too", Josh softly said as he first wiped the few tears from Tyler's cheeks, and then he wanted to do it himself, but Tyler was already using his thumbs to do it for Josh. "What... what does Lucas think of this one?" He asked as he swallowed a bit difficultly. "I have never shown him this song", Tyler said. "You, uh... you're the first one", Tyler said. "Not Steve, Luke, Mike, Jordan, Mark, Shap, Shane, Ashley, my siblings or parents... no one's heard it but you and me", he said.
Josh's heart had such a bittersweet relationship with this moment. His heart hated how much it hurt and how it felt like Tyler was singing it to him. But on the other side, he adored how special Tyler made him feel, and how special it was to be dancing with him in the middle of the road in Detroit at night, so intimately, while their faces were just inches apart, as Tyler sung to him a song that he had never shared with anyone before.
~~
Ahhh they're being cute 😭
What did you thiiiink? I'd love to hear!! Thank you so much for being here and I really hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Really wanna give Ty and Joshie some moments alone time while they still can before Josh goes back to LA 🥺 and Ty singing to Josh on the street at night when it's just the two of them makes my heart go all 🥰🥰🥰
I'd love to hear your thoughts and I can't wait to publish the next chapter this Friday! Thanks for being here, love you all so much, have a wonderful rest of your day ♥️