"there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody, it won't leave me head." dark paradise; lana del rey
MY FAMILY DID grief differently. We didn't spend the day together, honouring our passed relatives memories. If anything, we pretend nothing happened. We avoid each other so we don't have to discuss the obvious. Marina was dead, so was my awful father. This was the anniversary of the seventh year without them. There was nothing else to say, so we all spent the day by ourselves.
Before I could put on my noise canceling headphones and hide beneath the covers of the hotel bed, not walking up until the likes of today had passed, there was a knock on my door.
I groaned, tossing the covers off to go check who could have the audacity to bother me. I opened it to reveal a certain, very concerned blonde boy.
"Are you okay? You haven't answered any of my calls."
Of course he'd been worried. We made plans to go out together yesterday and go to that little coffee shop on the corner of the block. I hadn't thought about the date, because I didn't like to acknowledge it until it was here.
"Yeah, sorry Walk. I forgot to text you. Today isn't gonna work." Walker looked at me, warily. My eyes must've been red and my face puffy. He saw right through me.
"Mind if I come in?" He asked cautiously. Of course I agreed; I opened the door wider, and walked back into the room, leaving him to close the door behind him.
I slumped down onto the bed, where I'd made a little den for myself. I'd got Sunny to buy me many packets of lollies, salt and vinegar chips from the specific brand that Marina used to love, and I had at least 5 extra fluffy blankets.
"What's wrong. You almost never cry, unless we're watching the poem scene in 10 things I hate about you." Walker questioned me, lying down beside me. I felt his had stroke my hip as his thumb ran along my skin, soothingly.
I shrugged, not wanting to discuss the topic. In all honesty, I didn't even know if I'd be able to say the words aloud. The only person who had ever seen me on a day like this, besides my immediate family, was Sunny. I would have liked to keep it that way, but unfortunately this beautiful blonde boy had weaselled into my life and no plans of retreating.
"Maya. I'm not letting you shut me out." Walker sternly said, forcing me to roll over and face him. I sighed, wiping away the tears that kept on falling. I gazed into his ocean eyes, preparing myself to speak.
"It's uh, the anniversary of Marina's death." I said, chewing the inside of my cheek. "And my dad's." It felt necessary to add, even though none of the sadness I felt was for him.
Walkers face immediately fell. His mouth opened and closed, searching desperately for words of comfort. When he couldn't find any, he opened his arms to me, pulling me in for a tight hug. I fell apart in his embrace.
I sat there, sobbing to him for hours. It may have been seven years, but grief didn't have a time period. It came and went, in waves of pain and anger, hope and despair. My grief had never gotten any easier; I never learnt to deal with it well. What didn't help was that my grief came side-by-side with a lifetime of guilt.
Eventually, Walker found the time to speak. "Do you wanna talk about anything? Anything at all?" He said, stroking my long hair gently. I buried my face in his neck, trying to hide from his sympathetic gaze.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this." I laughed humourlessly at myself, embarrassed that I had allowed myself to fall apart like this in front of my boy friend. But instead of laughing along with me, Walker shook his head.
"Mimi, you're allowed to grieve. You're allowed to feel." He told me, twirling my hair between his soft fingers. Walker spoke gently, as if he was scared that I would break.
"I don't wanna feel it. I don't wanna feel any of it at all." I sobbed, trying to suppress the waterfall of tears. I choked on the tense air every time I inhaled.
"I know, baby." Walker whispered, trying so hard to comfort me. It was sweet, I had to admit. For someone so young to see this much pain and grief had to have been scary. Yet, he laid with me. Kissing me and hugging me while I cried.
"Sometimes I just can't help but think, that if it wasn't for me, she'd still be here." I said, the emotions getting the better of me. I had thought those words so many times, but never had I ever said them out loud. And it fucking hurt.
"What? Why on earth would you say that?" Walker replied, shaking his head in confusion. I regretted telling him about my subconscious thought. It was something I hated, something I didn't want anyone to know. But I couldn't take it back - not now, not ever again.
"The night Marina died, well, the night she was killed..." I began to explain, but Walker stopped me.
"You don't have to, Mimi." He assured me, squeezing my hands.
"I think I need to." I told him, to which he completely understood. Walker sat there, holding me close, ready to listen to anything I had to say. I thought that it was then, in that moment, where I decided that I was head over heels in love with that boy.
"My dad was a really bad person, Walk." I stated, clearing up the air first of all. "He was really abusive, an alcoholic, he cheated on my mom like it was an addiction and completely neglected all of us kids, unless it came to disciplining us. That seemed to be his favourite pass time."
I nervously cracked my fingers as I spoke. The things I was discussing with him were deep, things I wanted to move past and never rehash. But what I'd learnt, through many years of therapy, was that it was better to get things out in the open.
"I was so young when this all happened. I don't remember everything clearly, but I did remember a few really traumatic things. Like seeing him hit my mom. And the things he'd do to JJ... god, I don't even want to think about it, honestly."
"The night Marina and him died , my dad and I got in a bad argument. I can't even remember over what; I was eight, it was probably something stupid like staying up late, and I just got carried away. But he got really mad. He was probably drunk. But when he tried to hit me, Marina stepped in the way. She stopped him from hurting me. She protected me, like always. But... it just made him madder."
Walker nodded along, taking in my words.
"He yelled at her. Told her she was disobedient and a disappointment. Before JJ or I knew what happened, my dad had taken her outside and shoved her in his car. Yelling something about teaching kids lessons. They were gone for ages. I remember being so worried, crying my eyes out in J's arms. Vinnie was so young, he didn't understand what was going on. He doesn't even remember anything about my father. We waited until my mom got back much later that night from work, and told her what had happened. By the next morning, we heard that they had rolled their car down the side of a cliff. They both died on impact. I've felt guilty ever since, like the whole thing was my fault. If I hadn't gotten into that argument with my dad that night, she would still be alive. Here, with us."
When I looked back up at Walker, I saw tears welling in his pretty eyes. He touched his lips to mine, kissing my nose and then my forehead. "You are, the bravest most precious person I've ever met, Mimi." He whispered into my ear.
"You didn't deserve to go through any of that. Neither did Vinnie, or JJ, or Marina or your mom. But I need you to know that it wasn't your fault."
"Walker..."
"No, May." He grabbed both sides of my face, looking helplessly into my eyes. "It wasn't your fault. Marina saved you. She died for someone she loved. It was terrible and awful, but the only person to blame is your father."
I paused before I nodded with him. I knew he was right. Deep down, I knew. But the surface feelings of anger and hate and guilt and hatred were hard to decipher, especially at such a young age.
"I love you, Walker." I murmured, pulling him in for another adoring kiss. The boy faltered for a moment before kissing me back.
"I love you too, Mimi. More than anything."
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liked by heather.scobell and 1,023,811 others
maya_fontaine dear mari,
i miss you more than anything. the worlds a scary place without you, and you're the only reason im still here. because you can't be.
so i'll keep living, for you, spreading your legacy of love and kindness, positivity and spirit to everyone that i meet. you were too good for this earth. thank you for being the best big sister ever. these seven years without you have been the greatest obstacle of my life.
love, little maya.
momonatamada making me crying maymay. she'd be so proud of you 🫶🏽
jj_fontainee forever 14 🕊️❤️
sunnysandler_ proud of you my love. keep shining for her 💌
iamcharliebushnell i know we would have got along so well. rest in peace marina 💟
dior.n.goodjohn im coming to give you the biggest hug my angel 🩵🩵
sadiesandler she was too angelic for this world, rest in peace to my best friend 🤍
ariana_greenblatt i can only wish i had the blessing to meet that gorgeous girl. we love you m 💗💗
walker.scobell marina would be beyond proud. i love you my pretty girl
bradynoon looking more and more like her every day maya ❤️
realdylanhoffman she deserved to have a beautiful life, sending so much love to u may 🤍
masonthamesofficial i miss you m, hope you're doing okay ml ❤️
_xochitl.gomez what a beautiful soul. she's so missed 💞💞
leahsavajeffries you're so strong may. we're all here for you baby 💝🩷
heather.scobell Sending all my love Maya ❤️
↳ maya_fontaine thank you heather ❤️
leena.scobell you're so brave, beautiful girl. i just know she's so proud of you 🫶🏽
authors note
i feel like i could have made that a bit sadder but oh well
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