After Christmas, life was fine. I was so happy for Faye for reconnecting with his family, even if it was just a little reconnection. His mother even managed to crochet me a navy blue scarf on Christmas Eve so I wasn't the only one not getting a gift Christmas morning. Offices were closed the 26th, so I just stayed at Faye's and watched movies with him. Then we went back to work, but the floor was empty because Michael and Emilio took the week off. They were going to return the 30th, just in time for New Year's.
I decided that I could not do anything about my feelings for Faye. I was in love with him and I couldn't do anything to stop loving him. If it happened naturally, so be it. If I one day would meet a new person who grabbed my attention, that was fine. I couldn't act on my feelings but I couldn't deny them. Sometimes, I liked to think Faye had feelings for me as well, like when he would fall asleep with his head on my chest or when he would smile softly at me with that certain look in his eyes like he wanted to kiss me... But then, he'd turn his head and a shadow would cross his face. What was he thinking? Why did he fade away like that?
It was clear Faye was trying to work on himself. He did yoga almost every morning. He tried to cook more and binge-eat less. He was smoothing the relationship with his family. It was impressive to see him be pretty successful so far. So this was another reason I didn't want to act on my feelings. He just needed a friend to support him. I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize this journey of his.
That being said, my heart ached for him. When he would nap on me, I never wanted to leave that position. I didn't need a fancy weighted blanket like the one his mother got him because he was my weight blanket. My body ached for him, too. When he would change his shirt in front of me, when he would be in his workout clothes, when he would sit on the edge of his desk with his leg propped open, his groin pointing right in my direction...I wanted him. I could barely even get onto dating apps to find a hook up because I would just think of him and have to either take a cold shower, take care of myself then, or both. The only sense of relief I had was that it appeared Lafayette was not very sexually active. I didn't know what he did every night, but there was just something in me that could tell.
On New Year's Eve, the party was going to be in the event hall a few floors below our offices. The room was decorated beautifully, with lots of glitz and glam. The catering smelled amazing. The drinks were bottomless and free. Lafayette also let me wear a gorgeous outfit from his collection. It was a black pair of wide leg pants with a cinched waist. My top was a black button-up with some ruffling around the collar and sheer shoulders, so it was a little sexy. I put on some subtle makeup and my leather boots with a slight heel.
Faye told me to meet me in his office after getting ready downstairs in Marion's studio. He wasn't in there at first, so I texted him. A moment later, Faye popped his head out of the room I never go into. "Hello," he said. "You look great."
"Thank you," I said. "Are you ready?"
"No, sorry, not yet." He paused. "You can come in."
I almost asked if he was sure, but decided to not miss up on the opportunity. I pranced over to the super secret mystery room, following Faye. When I stepped inside, I wasn't sure what I was expecting. I wasn't underwhelmed, maybe a little surprised, but upon examining the room I realized I shouldn't have been surprised. Of course it was a small apartment. It was so simple compared to the townhouse. I liked it, though. It was so lived in.
"So this is where you hide away at, huh?" I asked.
"Sometimes," he said. "Not as often. Half the time I just use the shower." He walked over to the bathroom area and brushed his teeth.
"You look nice, by the way. Great outfit."
He was wearing the sleeveless turtleneck and teal blazer, a gold chain and his gold rimmed glasses accenting the look.
"Thank you," he said and then spit out the toothpaste.
"I have a birthday gift for you," I said.
"It's not my birthday yet," he said, walking over to me. "And you absolutely never need to buy me a gift whatsoever."
"Yeah, but I'm a taurus, we love gifts. It's in my desk."
"Well, it can stay there until my birthday," he said, smirking.
I rolled my eyes. "Fine. Are you ready now?"
"Yes, let's go."
By the time we made it to the party, lots of people had arrived. It was only a little after nine, so things were just picking up. I started with a little finger food and a glass of wine. Alisha arrived, looking fabulous in a red dress and her curly hair.
"You look great," I told her, handing her a glass of wine.
"Thank you, you look cute, too," she said. "I had to look nice. Who knows what hot model or rich photographer I will run into?"
"Good luck. Half of them are all gay."
She tutted her tongue. "Of course." She took a bigger sip of wine. "Where is your boyfriend at?"
"We broke up," I said.
Alisha raised her eyebrow. "You and Mr. Jett were actually together?" she asked.
I almost fainted at the realization. My eye grew wide and my skin grew pale. "No," I said. "No, I-I was just joking."
Alisha's jaw dropped. "You know you can't lie to me," she said. "You guys were totally together. Why didn't you tell me? Right, he is your boss." She squinted her eyes, looking at me growing beet red. "No...you wouldn't be able to resist telling me. You would've been so happy that you would tell me. You wouldn't tell me something because you would feel shameful... What could make you too scared to tell me?" She gasped. "Oh god. Which one was it - Owen or Jeremy?"
I frowned. "Fine. It was Jeremy, but it wasn't serious," I said. "I mean, maybe it was a little but not really. Like, I was kidding myself."
"Oh Em," she said, putting her arm around me. "Was that a terrible decision on your part? Of course. Do I understand? Of course."
"It's fine," I said. "I'm fine. Let's not worry about that. Let's have fun tonight."
Lafayette had invited his family, but Clovis is the only one who showed up. Clovis was very handsome, but quiet, which was fine. More people needed to be on the quieter side (myself included). Since Clovis didn't really know anyone other than Lafayette, Emilio, and Michael, plus now myself, he stuck around with us mostly. However, Michael and Emilio were drinking enough to get out on the dance floor. Lafayette had to greet so many people to keep up appearances, even though he didn't want to. So Clovis sat mostly with Alisha and myself. Eventually, he was basically just sitting with Alisha, and Alisha was just sitting with him. They were sitting quite close as well. I didn't want to third wheel, so I perused the party.
It was nearing midnight, and everyone seemed enamored in their counterparts. Marion and Carla were slow dancing on the floor. Emilio and Michael were cuddling on a couch. Don and Jerry were feeding each pieces of candy. Sasha and Sydney were standing at the bar, arms around each others waists, people watching. Alisha and Clovis had managed to sit at close as humanly possible without sitting on each other. Liam and Owen were holding hands by the window, admiring the view and each other.
I tried to not be upset. I didn't want to cry over being lonely. When Jeremy and I had briefly dated, I wanted to invite him to this party and share a New Year's kiss. I wanted someone to hold hands with, slow dance with, feed food to, cuddle with, kiss. I wanted someone to like me, and especially for me. I wanted genuine love. Sometimes, it felt like I was unlovable. What was wrong with me? Dates so often didn't work out. No one wanted a second date. No one wanted to cuddle after a hook up. They tossed me out in the morning. Was I boring? Was I ugly? Was I pathetic?
When I couldn't handle it, I left the party. We were minutes away from the new year, but I went upstairs and into the office. I paced around my desk, my arms crossed, tears forming. I even felt stupid looking at my desk. I barely had anything personal on it - no pictures of loved ones, no souvenirs from trips with friends, nothing. I walked into Lafayette's office to get away, but I should've known better. It was so ridiculous to be in love with him. I leaned against the table and looked out the window. A few tears were falling down my cheeks.
Only a minute passed before the door behind me opened. I turned quickly, a little startled. It was Lafayette, though, coming out of his little flat. When he saw me, his brow furrowed in concern. "What's wrong?" he asked, walking up to me quickly.
I shook my head. "It's nothing. I'm fine," I said. I turned back to the window, not wanting him to see me cry and look so pathetic.
He stood next to me, putting his hand on my back. "You know you can talk to me, right?"
I nodded. "I know. I just..." I sighed, wiping my cheeks. "It's stupid and I feel like such a loser for being so alone and lame, but mostly for being sad about being alone. I knew Jeremy wasn't even going to work out."
Lafayette rubbed my back. "It's okay. You're not a loser, by the way. You're easily one of the coolest and most interesting people I know," he said. "You're not lame either."
My corner lip twitched. "Well, I am alone," I said.
"You're not alone right now. I'm here."
People in the city started chanting a countdown to midnight. When they counted to one, and the fireworks went off, my arm slipped around Lafayette's back and our eyes met. His heart was beating under my hand on his strong back. Did it start to beat faster? Why did he have to smell so good? There was a certain scent coming from his lips, one I hadn't known before. I wanted to get to know this aroma. It smelled so sweet.
Our lips locked.
I don't know who leaned in first, but our lips moved against each other, slow dancing. He breathed me in and held me tighter against him, his hand on my lower backside. I teased his lips with the tip of my tongue, inviting him in. He slid his tongue along my upper lip, the slightest moan coming from me. I kissed him deeper, biting his upper lip. He was such a good kisser. Could he feel the heat radiating from my groin that was pressed against his? I wanted him, desperately.
Suddenly, he yanked his lips away and stepped back. We were breathing deeply, staring at each other. Were we going to kiss again? Was he going to blame himself? A look of shame crossed his face. Was it shame because he was my boss? No, it was something else. What was it? I didn't want him to feel that way. I wanted him to like kissing me.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have done that. Like I said, I just feel very lonely. I'm also really drunk. This is so embarrassing for me."
His face softened. "It's okay," he said quietly. "Don't be embarrassed."
We looked at each other for a moment, longingly. I loved him so much. I wanted all of him for myself, forever. But maybe he didn't have the same feelings. "We should go back," I said. "Your surprise party is starting soon."
"Right," he said.
"You should go first. I'll follow a few minutes later."
He nodded and walked to the door. He turned back to me and said, "Happy New Year, by the way."
"Happy New Year, and happy birthday, Lafayette."