I would like to start this off as a message to Alice, my best friend.
You're my closest friend I've ever had and I love you so so so much. I promise I'd never do anything to myself that would ever hurt you, so don't worry, okay? I won't hurt myself.
Now the actual vent part
So many issues. So many. Sometimes I think it gets better and it does, but then I lose control and everything goes wrong.
First of all, everything hurts all the time. My ankles ache, my hips ache, my back always hurts, and I can't get rid of the burning feeling.
Second of all, I Sometimes feel like my art is useless. I know it's stupid, because it's one person, but with me, one person makes a damn big impact. One time I wore bandaids on my fingers because they got cut up and my ex said they kinda looked like dicks, and no matter how much my fingers hurt, I never wore skin toned bandaids on them ever again. It's the same way now. Except I can't tell if the girl in my class is doing it on purpose or if she genuinely thinks my art is bad. I don't mean to be cocky, but I know my art is decently good. And she compliments everyone's art but mine. Like, is mine just not good? Or does she not like me? She makes comments that hurt sometimes, since she just... doesn't seem to think before she says.
There's been this kid in my P.E class that's been pissing me off. I can't seem to get rid of him. I don't mean to seem insensitive, but he tries to get me to stay his friend through pity.
"Wow!! I'm so surprised you stay around me because of how annoying I am!!"
"Am I annoying?"
"Good thing you haven't left me just like everyone else!!"
Listen, I get it. People who are hurt make jokes about it. And they use it to cope. But he annoys people me on purpose, and it's pushing me to my fucking limit. I mentioned that I kind of give my friend free therapy, and for the past week he just says "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE" over and over and I say no every time. I would help, I really would. But right now, I don't have the mental capacity to handle stuff like that. He can't take no for an answer, and it scares me.
I have a pinterest board called "don't be annoying 101" for a reason. Because I want to change, and I want to be better. I put things I'm insecure about in there, like how I say "it's up to you" for everything, and how I'm a big people pleaser, and honestly, the one person who noticed first was a boy I barely talk to in my class. He's always been one step ahead of me academically, but he's so so so kind. And he knows it's me. I'm not out in school, but he still used my correct pronouns. I think he's so kind and the message he sent me has made me see him in a more positive light, and it's made my day, week, and month.
I hate it when I'm a people pleaser sometimes. Because that means I'm more considerate than others. I think about how interrupting them, making an insensitive joke, bringing up a sensitive topic, copying them, or invading personal space could annoy them, and I don't do it, because I tend to overthink how they would react. And it pisses me off that I expect the same thing back.
I know high school romances are like, a big milestone. But I'm scared I won't hit it. Something that goes through my mind every day is how many people I knew liked me when I present as a girl, versus how many people would like me when I actually come out as trans. Its scary. Because I'm scared that no ones gonna want to date the trans boy, or that no one's going to be gay, and I'll be left alone until I can go out and actually date. And I wanna say that's okay but it doesn't feel like it.
Lastly, I got into a school that I want to go to. But my best friend isn't going. I'd love to go where she is, but I know tons of people there, and I know I can't just easily... be who I am there. I know teachers who will call me by my birth name, and old friends who won't understand or think I'm weird. And I want to go to school with my friend so bad, but I don't think I can deal with not being able to be who I am. I want to stay in touch with her and talk like we do now, but I'm scared that she won't want To. And I don't want to lose her.
Not a lot of people are going to read all of this. But that's okay.