The ferry pitched down and swelled back up with the waves as I leaned against the safety railing, holding on for dear life. There was a part of me that wouldn't mind if I fell overboard; and a part of me that wants to hold on for dear life.
My mind was in turmoil as I watched the golden sun flicker off the purple and green glass of the tall skyscrapers. I watched the water as it boiled below me; churned by the turbines of the engines as the ferry steamed towards the Port of Bremerton. I breathed deep, the salty air and sighed.
'Looks like rain.' seeing grey clouds gather over the Cascades.
I plugged into my MP3 player as I needed a moment to calm down and reset. My mind was still reeling from the excitement, hope, and sorrow:
'Well damn!' I thought as I tried my best not to think about it. 'What a waste of time this is!'
My silvery-blue eyes soaked up the afterglow shimmering off the glass towers as the city of Seattle...it certainly does not look the same now. With that viaduct long gone and the waterfront being slowly transformed into a massive park for the homeless, it was nothing like the safe industrial city that I once visited as a kid.
Long gone was the King Dome and now the Alaskan Way viaduct...and yet, there was a part of me that hoped that the change would rub off on me. That one day I would look at the transformed city and think...
'Beautiful...as it was meant to be.'
The city was like a reflection of my own life: In the past, I had everything that I could ever want; but now, uncertainty ruled my life.
Cold, I turned away from my failure and walked across the rough metal floor as I went inside to warm up. The scent of burnt coffee and greasy confections offended my senses, but at the same time, it turned my stomach sour with the gently sway of the ship.
Even the ferry itself had an odd, off-place scent about it. You could say that it was the smell of the years long past. The scent of age, neglect, and prevalence. The ferry was a symbol of endurance and punishment. Pushing through any storm, taking wear and tear with its occupation while being a servant of the community that had asked far too much of its diesel engines.
I saw my best friend sitting at one of the iron tables as she was busy sketching in her sketchpad.
She was like me, an aspiring artist how just waiting to be 'discovered'.
Together, we worked to find one another jobs...but we both keep coming up short every time. She was focused on her fashion designs as I called out to her as we had both agreed to meet on this ferry as we sailed back home.
"Hey Ember!" I say with a bright smile as I try to act confident and assure of myself. She looked up from her paper as she smiled at me ever so brightly. We have been best friends for as far back as I can remember. We went to school together, lived in the same community and had the same interests.
People once believed that we would be married by now...even had a few children...but here we were, both single and miserable.
Her hair was wavy, just like water, and light brown, just like bark off a new Douglas Fir sapling. She had dyed highlights to her to add some blonde to help stand out. Yet, it has failed to yield any results so far.
Her eyes, though, were the most enchanting aspect of her face! Blue-grey orbs of light that seemed to always sparkle like diamonds.
She was so slender that sometimes I felt that I could snap her in half if I hugged her too hard.
She wears a teal cap to contain her lustrous hair, with a red and green scarf to block out the cold around her neck. She was bundled in a brown jacket that I had bought her for Christmas, last year.
She looked like a Broadway model in those skintight blue jeans. She wore leather high heel boots that almost matched her jacket as she plays the role of designer. That was her dream: to design clothing for both men and women; but especially women.
"There you are!" she says, absolutely beaming "I was starting to think that you missed the ferry!"
I chuckled as I barely caught this boat on a mad dash through the city.
"A little Seattle traffic has never made me late before...only fashionably delayed!" I laugh at my own joke, adding "It's sort of a crapshoot in this city!" November gives an obligatory laugh as she just nods her head. She can understand the sentiment quite well.
"Yeah, traffic here is terrible!" She makes herself comfortable as she cuts to the chase. "So, how did the audition go today? It was with Sirens of the Sea, correct?"
I nod as I think back to the moments when it had all gone wrong...right when my phone rang to give me the bad news.
"Well..." as I sat beside her "...at first it seemed all was going great! The photographer and director seemed intrigued by my portfolio. They even asked me to come in for a possible second calling..."
"What does that mean again?"
"Second calling?" I asked as she nodded, swooping her long hair aside. To be honest, I personally cannot see how anyone could deal with long hair! What is the use of having long hair that just gets in the way of everything!? Constantly needing conditioner and shampoo by the handful! Troubles with it drying out one day, and greasy the next!
"Uhm, Skylynn!?" I heard her call out to me.
"Oh, uhm, sorry! Kinda spaced out there." I blushed "A second-calling means that you go in for a second rehearsal and that usually leads to a job. The first is just the audition...or also called a Calling."
"Ah!" She smiles, now understanding. "That sounds wonderful sweetie! So why the gloomy face then?"
I slowly inhale deeply and exhale slower than before as I sink into the grief that has plagued me since that phone call.
"I just got that call from the agency and they said that the role has been filled by another." I cradled my head in my hands as I could not believe my rotten luck! "They even had the nerve to say that if I was just born a female, that I would have had a better chance at landing the role with how androgenous I appear! I think I'm in the wrong field Ember! This is my twelfth audition in a row! The twelfth that I've been turned down from. I don't know what I'm going to do!"
"I'm sorry." she muttered as reality sinks in.
"At this rate, there's no way I'm going to be able to afford next month's rent! I'm barely staying afloat as is!" as I could already just imagine the humiliation I will have to face if I must go crawling back home. "I can't live off of kiddy parties...and even those are far and in-between since this COVID fiasco!"
"Come on!" as she offers her hand to me. I accept as she pulls me up out of my depression, softly saying "I think some fresh air will help clear the mind."
On the deck, looking at Seattle so far away, I was already on the verge of tears. November, or Ember, as I like to say, continues our conversation.
"It's not the end of the world, Skylynn! You'll have a client that will surprise you one day! You just need to expand your horizons...open yourself to new paths and possibilities that you have not already considered."
I close my eyes as I am beginning to believe in all the grief I've been dealt. My father said it best the day I told my family my career decisions:
'There is no work for a professional underwater male performer, Sky! People do not want to see that! Why don't you go major in science instead?! Now that's a secure career! Or maybe even a toilet paper assembly factory! Hear that stuff might soon be worth its weight in gold!'
I open my eyes as I shake my head, determined not to work at a toilet paper factory!
"I seriously don't think this is going to work out! My landlord would have me evicted by now if it wasn't for this COVID-19 thing! I haven't got any savings left to fall back on. The truth of the matter is...I'm broke!" I cry, trying to hide my emotions.
"I see it clearly now Ember...I made a terrible mistake! I will have no choice but to move back to Ocean City. My mum and dad always urged me to do something more sensible like being a businessman, doctor, or scientist. I should have listened to them! God! Why was I so foolish to believe in such farfetched fantasies from a childhood trauma!"
November wraps her arm around me as she pulls me tight to her bosom, scolding me.
"Hey! Listen to me!" as she pulls my attention as I am swallowed in her stormy blue eyes "I know things are rough right now with this virus and all; but don't give up just like that! You've been working towards your dream for years! I remember the 13-year-old boy that dreamed of modeling and acting! Keep fighting every day! Call anywhere! Do anything that you can! Don't stop swimming forward sweetheart! You'll regret it if you do so!"
I lightly close my eyes as I exhale and nod.
"You're right as always, Ember. Someone out there must need a model for a gig. A commercial...event...anything! And I don't have to only swim or pose in the water! I have my diving certification...might as well make the most of my time before I run completely out of it! Maybe I can work at the aquarium?" as I think of the place I was just at today.
November looks deeply into my eyes as she smiles, glad to see me thinking constructively, finally.
"You know, I'd offer you to come stay at my place until you get back on your feet, but my roommate would totally flip if she knew I brought a guy to live with us! She's kind of a feminist you know!" I smirked as I had had my run-in with her a few times.
'I guess there are worst things out there then being dirt broke!'
"I appreciate it, Ember. But you've done so much already for me! I can't ask you to carry my burdens too! If I can't make it work by the end of this week, then I'm going back home to stay."
"Sometimes I'd like to go back to Ocean City, too." she comments as she was trying to make a point "But it's not like there's any fashion designer jobs back there...and my town of Seabrook is so far away! Seattle is your best chance at finding your dreams. Not Ocean City!"
I want to change the subject as I look away and turn back to the sea.
"I am so sorry! I've been so focused on me that I forgot to ask! How's your work going?"
November pivots as she holds her drawling in her hand as I look at a two-dimensional figure of a faceless woman walking-motion while wearing a scarf-like tunic, a solid blouse with a mini-skirt. Her feet were lost in two knee-deep boots...it was a lovely depiction of her in art. But I have no interest in women's fashion.
"It's going pretty well actually! I've got a few designs going into production soon, but my contract runs out in a few weeks. With the COVID-thing, no one is shopping...non-essential, I guess! So, I too will be back to job-hunting, just like you." my ringing phone then interrupts her excitement as I look at the name.
"It's Blair" as I wonder what he was calling about "I better take this!" I accepted his call as I walked to the railing for privacy. "Hey Blair, what's up!"
"Dude! I got the gig with Sirens of the Sea!"
I feel like a knife has been plunged deep into my gut as I listened to music blaring over the phone.
"Oh! Really?"
"Yep! This'll be my first real big gig man...at an aquarium of all things!" his snarky voice blared more than the music "Hell, they even signed me up to photoshoot with Nordstrom's! Nordstrom's dude! My face will be all over Seattle!"
"I'm so happy for ya." I feel like I might throw up with frustration, leaning over the railing.
"So, how did your audition go? You get it!?"
"Um..." as I feel my spirit sink "...no. I just heard that they turned me down."
"Dude! I am so sorry, I didn't know! I keep telling you that you need to put on confidence and charm! We're not chicks, man! We can't just flaunt our bodies and get what we want! We have to really sell it! Anyhow, this is my first mermaiding job, so I'm stoked!"
"That's weird!?" November remarks "I thought Blair didn't have any experience in mermaiding!"
"Anyhow," Blair continues "sounds like you need a pick-me-up! Why don't you, Lucius and I all head to the club on the 23rd? Heard the gov'rn might end our self-quarantine! You wanna come?"
"No," as I don't want to show my face around them...I might say something regrettable "I have to work that tonight."
"Come on dude! A night off won't kill ya unless you contract the virus!" as Blair and Lucius laugh in the background.
"Sorry man, but I've got a lot on my plate right now. I'll talk to you later...and congratulations. I'm glad it worked for ya!" I pocket my phone as I really like to chuck it out into the depths of the Sound!
'Geez, What a nice friend!'
Once he heard I had an interview, he swooped in like locus and devoured my chances! He does it every time! I am nothing but an over-glorified agent for him!
'Why do I hang out with that asshat?!'
"He's not exactly a good friend, now, is he?!" November says as she overheard my call "He shouldn't have applied; he knew you needed this job to stay afloat!"
November was right, Blair was a thorn in my side! He only likes me because I do all the bloody research and he swoops in and befuddles them with charm and charisma like a goddamn cobra! I'd love to make him pay for what he has done to me, but I dare not!
'There is no shame in being a coward!'
[Now arriving...Bremerton.] says the ship's captain through the ship's overhead speakers.
"Come on." November says as she drags me away from the edge of the boat. She can only imagine me leaping over "It's not my place to say, but as your friend..."
"My only friend." I sighed, my emotions boiling.
"You need to sever your relationship with Blair...you do all the hard work and he reaps the whirlwind!" I glance at November with a sour complexion as she stops talking, knowing she overstepped.
"Sorry!" I apologize as this day has just been one failure after another! "I'm just peeved that he would do such a thing knowing how desperate I am for work!" I held her close to me, softly adding. "You are correct, as always. I think it is time Blair and I parted ways."
With the ship hitting the rubberized pillions, the vessel buckles back as the deckhands grab the ropes and wrap the thick lines to the iron anchors to stabilize the ship. It was hard to believe that it was human hands that docked the massive ferry, not the captain! But of course, do not tell the captain that! They tend to get cocky and ram the ship straight into the dock, making a serious mess if his pride feels violated!
With the security rope pulled back, November and I quickly walked off the ferry as we walked to the passenger terminal as she glanced back at me sincerely.
"I meant everything that I ever said. Don't lose hope!" she gently takes my hand as we walk down the ramp to the Naval Museum.
The City of Bremerton has certainly blossomed into a tourist hub! I never really saw this place in its 'crumbling infrastructure' days, but I heard this place was gruesome before its beautification.
I only live here because the rent is somewhat cheap and the access to the ferry allows me not to drive, which saves money on gas! But there was another reason why I came to this military city: November Brookes.
I've wanted to tell her how much I loved her...how much she meant to me! She was there for me in the good times...and the bad. We were childhood sweethearts and very close friends. Many of the folk back home would have expected that we would have tied the knot by now!
"May I tell you for about something...personal?" I asked her as she looked at me and nodded.
"Mmhmm..." she says so sweetly.
"You remember that time when I was in the hospital?" I then asked, asking a question she wasn't expecting to hear. Yet, the look of worry had darkened her joyful complexion; like the gathering clouds in the east.
"You're having those dreams again, aren't you?"
I sadly nod...they are fragmented. Sometimes I feel that those dreams are all that they are. But something inside of me feels that something terrible had happened a long time ago. Something that forever changed my life and I now cannot remember what it was!
"I am having more and more of them...as if something is coming! But when I awake...I cannot remember a single thing...just white light." my voice aching, tight and sad.
"Sometimes it is best not to dwell on the past. And sometimes it is best to just reflect." We reached her front door as she hugged me and looked into my silvery-blue eyes. "Please listen to what I said. Have faith, Sky! The Lord works in mysterious ways." our hands slip away as she glances back at me as she smiles lightly "Give me a call if you ever need any help, okay?!"
"Okay. And thanks, Ember!" I forced a smile as I waved back "I'll talk to you later."
I watched as she silently slips inside as I look up to see her roommate glaring down at me, just watching as she lets the curtains silently drift close. I turned and sighed as I wished that I had the confidence and faith that she has.
I can't see a way out of this predicament!
I look down the street as I reach into my pocket and pull out a face mask and slip it back on as I walk silently back home.