listen to the song when it says "listen to the song".......lol
Chapter Forty-Six
The next morning, I get an urgent text message from Lee.
See me tonight. Immediately.
During the entire first day of school, that's all that runs through my head. What can he possibly want? We both knew Lee was going to take the fall for Penelope and act like he was the father of her baby by marrying her, but still, it's so...sudden. Should I even see him? Will it really help?
"And so, see you next week, class!" my physics professor announces at last. He looks up at all of us in the lecture hall, just like one I imagined to be here in college. "Remember your first assignment, freshmen! This isn't high school anymore. You're dismissed."
One thing never changes. The quick shuffling of people to escape the institution that is school. Chairs scrape and bags are thrown against shoulders. Suddenly, I'm getting whipped in the face by a bag.
"Oof!" I can't help but say while I'm being temporarily blinded. A bit of anger surges through me. What kind of idiot doesn't see a person right next to them?
"Yo, you okay?" the boy says and I try to open my eyes but they just end up watering. "Oh jeez, ya look like a mess. Sorry, man."
"No," I say, rubbing my eyes. "That's not your fault. I always look like a mess." My eyes focus on the boy in front of me. He's a bit taller than me and has dirty blond hair. "But you could try not to kill me whenever you get the chance."
He smiles. "Sorry, again...uh...."
"Ivory."
"Ah, okay, cool," he says. He takes his hand out of his pocket and extends it towards me. "Name's Tanner." We shake hands and he's rather aggressive, like he's on steroids or something. "Ya wanna walk with me?"
I shrug. "Sure."
Since Pace has many buildings scattered around New York City for several uses, we are on the streets as we exit one of the science buildings. The sun is out and there's a hint of summer still in the air as my forehead starts to sweat again. I wipe my brow and walk along the semi-crowded mass. Tourists are leaving but the city is still home to millions.
"So, you from around here?" I ask Tanner.
"No, actually," he replies. He nudges to a Starbucks with his chin and I nod as we both head that way. "I'm a Cali boy, if ya couldn't tell by my orange skin."
He's right. Tanner has a dark tan and flowy blond surfer hair. I could see him on the beach, using surfer tongue somewhere beautiful in California. "Even your name has tan in it," I comment when we walk into the coffee shop.
Tanner gets an iced coffee, plain and simple. "And what about you?"
"Vanilla iced latte," I tell the barista after a surprisingly short wait. I turn back to Tanner. "Here in New York. But not from the city." He nods at that. I'm running out of things to say as I start to notice the silence. I've never been good at this. Meeting new people or really talking in general. Suddenly, I'm nervous.
I need to keep it alive. "So the weather—"
"Wow, it's hot—"
We both look at each other and despite his cool and collected stance and fluent words, I can tell he's just as nervous in this new environment as me. Nobody just automatically fits perfectly with change. Even the most calm people are panicked inside.
"So, I'm not the only one freaking out, I'm guessing?" he says, rubbing the back of his head.
The barista hands us our drinks and I hand Tanner his. "No way in hell," I reply. I take a sip of the cool taste of coffee and I breathe in, calming myself down. "Thought it was just me freaking out over the first day of school. Everyone else acts like it's normal we're here in New York City, attending college! I...The feeling's hard to explain. It's a mix of scared, excited, but also new and refreshing."
We walk over to the side and sit at a table to enjoy the air conditioning a bit longer. The morning rush start pouring in and suddenly, the cafe is crowded. Every person that passes by outside looks set and determined to get to their destination. It's so different in the city. I can't stress it enough. But it's also intriguing and pulls at the inner workings of my brain because there are so many stories and people here, I just want to soak everything in. I feel like New York City is a whole other country by itself.
"It was one thing going to an out of state college," Tanner says. "It was another going across the country. Especially a place with seasons."
"Why'd you do it then?"
"Eh, people," he says nonchalantly but I can tell by the way he harshly bites his straw and looks away that it's more than that. "People and problems, what else? And besides, I could use some new scenery. This will be my first time experiencing snow."
My eyes widen. I've never met anyone that hasn't seen snow before. "You're in for a real treat," I tell him. "Snow is just so...magical. For the first five minutes anyway. It's beautiful to look at from the comfort of your home under a billion blankets but once it starts covering up the sidewalks and turning black from dirt, it's not so pretty. And shoveling is hell."
Tanner laughs. "Can't wait!" He starts flexing, putting down his drink and pushing up his sleeve. "The Lord didn't give me these muscles for no reason, ya know?"
And to that, I laugh along with him and roll my eyes. "It seems you really like your muscles."
"Heck yeah," he says. "These muscles got me a scholarship here, actually. I play on the lacrosse team. You should come by sometime when we have a game."
"Of course," I tell him. "I need to start getting more involved. Maybe I should join a club or something."
"Do you, like, have any hobbies?"
"Hmm," I say, my eyebrows pinching together as I think. This should come easy to me but as I think back to what I do in my free time, all I think about is one blue-eyed boy that tore my heart apart yesterday. And if I rewind to before that, I just see the petty high school version of me absorbed in high school drama and always...boys. "I need a hobby."
"How do you not have a hobby?" Tanner asks, sipping his coffee. He looks at his watch. "Cool. I have like thirty-ish minutes until my next class. Now, this I could get used to."
"I don't know....I just don't really do things. If I did, I'd be at Colombia or something," I tell him. My next class is also in an hour so I can sit back easy. "The only thing I'm good at is studying but a couple of things happened and it made me fall off my game."
"Yeah? What?" He stares at me, waiting for an answer.
"Uh...my mom...she—"
"Oh shit, I'm sorry!" he says, cutting me off. "I didn't mean to, like, make you talk about things you don't wanna talk about. What a dick move. Sorry, man."
"No, no," I say, laughing a little and shifting in my seat. I put my drink down. "She's not dead or anything. She got into a really bad car accident and now she won't wake up. Coma." My smile falters and I try not to go into that black hole I tend to fall into when I think about the general idea of my mother in a coma.
Tanner looks side to side and then at me. He coughs and then slides his drink over to me. "I'm sorry about that. You want a sip?"
I arch my eyebrows. Weirdo. "Um, no thanks."
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Really? A sip of your coffee? That's what you can offer as comfort?" I ask but I'm only playing. I'd freak out too because I can't comfort people even if it was to save my life.
"I—Life—You—"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" I tell him, laughing.
He takes a huge breath and pretends to wipe sweat off his forehead. "Phew! Jeez, I almost had a heart attack. Sad things aren't really my forte. I'm usually that guy yelling and chugging beer in the corner, the one that gets slapped by the girls, you know?"
I nod but I don't know. "Yeah, sure."
Tanner takes his drink back and starts sipping, getting distracted by everything around him. I could use a easy-going friend like him. Maybe he'd even be friends with Giselle. We could have a whole gang! We could go apple picking later in the fall and maybe even go over each other's houses for Thanksgiving. If Mom's not awake by then, I don't know where I'd go I realize sadly.
I've always wanted a nice group of trusted friends. With all that stupid, unnecessary drama in high school, it kind of left no room for me to venture and find a good group of people. Everyone knew about Karen and I so it was really hard to find people who weren't talking about me or listening to the rumors. I spent an awful deal being caught up in the wrong things and wrong people. It's time to change that.
"Hey, Ivory, have you heard about the party yet?" Tanner asks. I zap back to the present and refocus my vision on him. From the confused look on my face, he continues, "It's tonight and—DANIEL RIVERA, IS THAT YOU?"
I turn around to where Tanner is aiming his shouting and the boy from last night comes into view. He's wearing a casual t-shirt and some jeans, his left hand lazily holding his backpack over his shoulder. Daniel rounds his head to where we are and at first, he has a confused expression but then a grin wide as the Atlantic Ocean springs upon his face and he runs over, clapping Tanner on the back.
"Tanner! My man!" Daniel says and they both stand and aggressively hug but not really because all they do is pat—more like slap—each other on the back and I don't understand boys? "Where've you been? You just show up for the first day?"
"Yeah, flight landed last night! Just crashed after that. Sorry I couldn't stop by, bud! How's your single room, you ass?" Tanner asks.
"It's good, it's good," Daniel replies. "Come over soon."
"Definitely, man," Tanner answers. And then suddenly as if he realized I've just been sitting there for a good portion just awkwardly playing with the straw of my drink instead of interrupting their bromance moment, he turns to me and extends his hand. "Oh! Danny, this is Ivory. She's in my Physics."
Daniel turns and his eyes widen and he points at me. "You!"
"You," I mimic, smiling. A smirk dawns on my face when I remember his...incident. I look down to his pants purposely as he watches me. "Seems like your little incident is okay now."
His eyebrows raise and red dusts his cheeks. "You! And what do you mean little? It is not little!"
Tanner suddenly throws his hands up. "Wait, what's going on? What? Back up."
Daniel grabs a chair and sits at the edge of the table, between Tanner and I. "Well, you see, I've already met Ivory, actually. Last night."
To this, Tanner raises his eyebrow. "Last night...?"
"Not like that," I interrupt. "We ran into each other in the kitchen. That's it."
Now, it's Daniel who raises an eyebrow. "That's it, hmm?"
And suddenly I remember how I had messily scribbled down my number on a ratty napkin and given it to him. Now that it's not night time and I am wide awake, I do regret my foolish decisions. Thank the heavens I didn't kiss it! "Daniel, I swear to God, if you—"
"So you didn't just give me—" I clamp a hand over his mouth but he tries speaking anyway. "Youf gavfeme yruf mmba."
Tanner is officially weirded out. "O-kay then."
I need to change the subject immediately. "So, Tanner," I say, my hand still tight on Daniel's mouth, "how did you and this guy meet? You're from California and he's from Boston."
Daniel gently takes my hand off. "Good listener," he compliments. He puts my hand back on his mouth like it's a scarf or something. I hate him.
"Well, when I was scouting the school in the beginning of the summer to see what everything was like—the dorms, subway, nearby places—just to see if I could survive here, I ran into Danny just like you." Tanner holds a hand up, sips his drink, and resumes. "And boy, am I thankful. This kid's a savage!"
"I know," I say, glaring at Daniel, who tries to cheekily smile under my palm.
"We partied together and let's just say...tried a lot of new things," Tanner explains. I skeptically look at Daniel and he shrugs. "He even let me stay with him and his 'rents in Boston for the weekend before I headed back to Cali. He's a true pal. But then I went back and he had to go to Spain so we kind of lost touch, but now we're both back."
Daniel takes off my hand again and looks over at Tanner. "A bit late too. You missed orientation and everything." He puts my hand back and now I start realizing how weird his semi-beard feels. I've never really felt a beard. Oh jeez, what am I thinking of right now?
A ring suddenly fills our little table and Tanner shuffles around until he pulls out his phone. "Hello? Hey! What? Ah...Okay, okay, remain calm. I'm coming." He ends the call and abruptly stands, picking up his backpack. "Sorry kids, roommate's having some problems with the bathroom. See you guys tonight!"
Before both of us can say bye, Tanner's jogging out and down the street in no time. He's fast. I turn back to Daniel, who's already staring intently at me. It freaks me out so I let go of him immediately. I also scoot my chair farther from him since Tanner's gone and there's really no need to be so close.
"So...." Daniel is smiling. He needs to stop.
"Don't talk to me."
He leans in closer until our chairs collide. He puts his hand on the back of my chair and it's then I realize he's wearing glasses, the fake looking ones, again. But they kind of look cute today. Kind of. "I found something yesterday."
I roll my eyes. "What?"
"A number written in this cute handwriting," he replies, leaning on his elbow on the table at the same time, his hand holding up his head. "I wonder who it's from."
I shift my body and look out the window. "I wonder too, Daniel."
He leans closer. "Are you sure it's not from you, Ivory?"
"Daniel," I warn, looking back at him. He's really close. I can feel his breath. "Daniel, we wouldn't want another situation like last night, now would we?"
As quick as my words, a blush covers his entire face and he scrambles back until he's basically on the opposite side of the table. "Ivory, I hate you." He pushes his glasses up since rushing to get away from me almost knocked them over.
I grin. "I like it when you're flustered. I feel so in control."
"Shut up, you evil creature," he replies.
I stand. "Well, Danny boy, I gotta head to my class." I pick up my backpack and remainings of my drink and ruffle his hair when I'm done getting my things. "See you later."
He grabs onto my hand that's still in his hair. "Wait, are you coming to the party tonight?"
"Uh...," I say. Lee wants to meet tonight. He said it was urgent. But then again I'm a little angry and hurt about the whole engagement thing. Okay, maybe not just a little hurt. "Maybe."
Daniel opens up my hand and he stands, reaching for something in his pocket with his other hand. He pulls out a sharpie and scribbles numbers onto my palm. His hazel eyes look up at mine and he smiles. "In case I don't have the courage to text you. Or maybe if you ever need to call me, I'm here."
And I smile back at this. "Thanks, Daniel," I reply, putting accent on his name. Then, I leave and turn last minute to see him still staring at me and he grins and waves and I can't help but grin and wave back too.
"Why do you keep smiling at your phone?" Giselle asks me around six after she finally reappears to our dorm. She shuts the door with her foot, her hands holding bags of snacks to survive off of for the next few months. The cafeteria downstairs is expensive so she had made a visit to a local food store.
"Huh?" I look up for a split second before looking back down and finishing off the text I was writing to Daniel. "Hold on a minute."
Our conversation log goes like this:
Daniel: hey
Me: hey yourself
Daniel: i finally texted u
Me: i can see that. good for u bc i wasn't going to text u lol
Daniel: u evil creature!
Me: eat my ass.
Daniel: ;)
"Who's Daniel?" Giselle asks, leaning over my shoulder. I scream and throw the phone across the bed. "Oh, is it that Boner Boy?"
"Giselle! Can you not sneak up on me and read my texts over my shoulder?" I reprimand, clutching my heart. "And yes, it is." A smile sneaks up on my face.
"Hey, I called your name like ten times but you were out of it," she says. Giselle squints her eyes as she evaluates my face. "Wow, you likeee this boy, don't you?"
"No! Of course not!" I haven't even told her about Lee. It's not even—it's over—but still. I'm not completely done with him and I can't just like Daniel with half of my heart when Lee still has my other half. That'd be unfair. It's all or nothing—My God, Lee! I almost forgot I had to meet him. I need to get ready soon.
"Liar," she says and I notice she's changed into a dress and has redone her makeup.
"Where are you going?"
"That party some chick's throwing? It's like a couple blocks down on a rooftop, I hear," Giselle says, putting on hoop earrings. "It's supposed to be like the kickstarter for freshmen to mingle. Everyone's going." She turns as puts on her left ear earring. "But apparently, not you. Why aren't you dressed?"
"Eh," I reply. "I'm thinking of maybe coming in later. I have to meet someone." I pick up some papers I'd been looking over before Daniel texted. Syllabuses and such.
Giselle pouts in the mirror as she layers on some lipstick. She presses her lips together and makes a smacking sound with her lips. "Oooh, someone?"
"Ex," I respond, deciding maybe I should maybe start telling her more things.
She turns, her mouth open. "He lives in the city? I thought you were from Darkwood or something."
"Brownwood," I correct. "And yeah."
"Who is he?"
"I don't want to say."
"Tell me!"
I roll my eyes, giving in. "Lee Richardson...."
Giselle drops her capped lipstick and her jaw follows soon after. "Nooo way! The Lee Richardson? Like that wicked rich guy that took after his dad's company? The male Paris Hilton? Damn, girl, why would you let that piece of fine ass go?"
I smile uneasily and shrug. "Things happen. He's just an average guy, you know? He has insecurities too and he messes up just like everyone else. It didn't feel like I was dating a millionaire." I think back to his sleek cars and suits and suite. "Okay, most of the times, it didn't."
She sits down next to me, excitedly grabbing my hands. "How was he? Was he a good kisser? What about in bed? I can't believe you haven't told me this before!"
"Oh my god, Giselle!" My cheeks burn and I can't look her in the eye.
"Hey! He must be real good if you're blushing just at the thought of it," she says.
"No!"
"So he isn't?"
"No! He's really good—"
"He is?"
"Yes—No—Stop it!" I say, standing and going over to the drawer of clothes I have. "Forget him. What we need to focus on is what I'm going to wear to see him!"
"Girl! Don't you dare pull any of your conservative Republican clothes out of your drawer!" She stands, walking over to her mini-closet. She ruffles through clothes. "Don't move. Where are you two meeting?"
"Some fancy restaurant," I tell her. He'd sent me a message earlier sending me the name of some French restaurant, whose name I can't pronounce. "I hope he gets the bill...I'm a broke college kid now. I mean, I was broke before, too."
"If he's a gentleman, he will," she says. Giselle reappears, holding a small baby blue t-shirt. "Wear this." She throws it at my face.
I pick it up with my index finger and thumb. "A shirt?"
Giselle's hearty laugh fills our room. "Oh, honey, that's a dress."
And that's how I end up spending near twenty minutes just putting it on, pulling it down and examining it at every angle in our bathroom. I can't deny it makes me look...hotter...but still. It's not me or who I am. The dress stops a few inches beyond my rear and it sticks to my body like a second skin. It falls off both my shoulders, exposing my collarbones and covering my arms with its long sleeves.
I like it but I'm also nervous because I haven't seen Lee for a good few weeks. Almost a month. Do I have enough courage to go out in public and see him like this?
I shut my eyes, closing them very tightly and silencing every thought that's running through my head. I can do this and I will. Even if I wasn't wearing this beautiful dress, I'll make Lee drop to his knees and beg to have me back. He'll figure something out with the media and Penny and it'll all be okay.
Before my logical conscience speaks, I quickly leave the bathroom.
Giselle gasps, clapping and jumping. "It's so you! It's perfect! It brings out your eyes and it makes you look taller by showing off your legs. You're definitely wearing heels. And I'm definitely doing something about your hair. Sit."
An hour later, around seven-thirty, I'm in a taxi, telling the driver the address and I can't breathe. It's happening. I'm seeing him again. But he's an engaged man now.
It takes fifteen minutes to get there, despite it being only a few blocks. Traffic is rough but not too bad to make me late. The reservation is for eight and I'm a couple minutes early. After exiting the taxi, I stand outside and bite my nails. They smell like nail polish since Giselle decided I couldn't just dress up and look fabulous but have, and I quote, "peasant nails". I was going to see a "king" after all so I needed to be a "queen". I wish Giselle were here now to calm me down. I feel like ditching and running away.
But I'm here. And I can't be a coward now.
As I climb the small cement steps to the entrance, my heart feels like it's being squashed until it's about to explode. I kind of missed this feeling. The heart attack moment of seeing the one you love, just being near them.
"Uh, Ivory Flores? Under Richardson," I tell the employee at the reservation podium.
The slightly old woman nods and calls a waiter to guide me. A man in his thirties leads me, walking past tables and tables. Every step makes me want to throw up. My heart is at my throat. We keep going until we reach some stairs in the back. I'm confused.
"Mr. Richardson has reserved the entire V.I.P area for your dinner. He is awaiting upstairs, ma'am," the waiter informs me, smiling. Like I said, most of the times I can't tell he's a millionaire.
I feel like I can't speak, an invisible hand choking me. "Um, t-thank you."
He nods and then departs.
I could leave right now. I could turn around, shout for another taxi, go back to my nice and warm bed in the room Giselle and I share. I could just take a nice bath and then snuggle under the covers and watch Netflix for an hour or two before calling Brent or Peter or Candy and then sleeping peacefully. It would be so simple to run away. But the right choice is hard sometimes and I trudge up the stairs.
At first, I'm going up at a steady pace but as I turn where the staircase turns, I feel my heartbeat reach a new record, beating about a billion beats per second. My feet are slow and my hands sweaty as I climb the last eleven steps.
I don't see him at first. Just tables with candles in the middle and flowers.
But then I turn and I see him at a table next to the window. He's standing, looking out at the window, one hand in his pocket, the other holding the phone pressed to his ear.
I can't hear anything. It's almost like my brain blocks out every single thing in the world as I draw closer to him. The floor fades away, the room fades away. It's just Lee Richardson in his six feet glory and gray suit. I don't make a sound when I'm just a couple feet away. I can't help but just to stare. The way he talks animatedly on the phone, the slight tense pose in which he stands. I wonder what's bothering him. However, he's the same.
Suddenly, he's shutting off his phone and pivoting, eyes still on his phone. Lee absentmindedly puts his phone away and looks up. His eyes widen and a breath escapes him. "Ivory," he says and I swear every bone in my body just wants to drag him into the corner of the room and do bad things to him from just the way he says my name but I don't do anything. I can't.
I nod firmly. "Lee."
I don't know how I'm so calm. Thank God for autopilot Ivory.
He swallows, eyes taking in my appearance. He quickly looks back up at my eyes and rushes over, pulling a chair out for me. "It's good to see you."
I sit down and he pushes me in. "As it is to see you." Seriously, who is this talking? Me?
Lee sits across from me, snapping his finger as two waiters come over. One pours water into our glasses and the other sets freshly baked bread onto the table. "How are you?" he asks softly.
"Good. Great. And you?" I take a sip of the cold water. It runs through my warm and choked up throat and calms me down a bit.
"Okay," he replies, stoic. "I hope you like Soupe à L'oignon."
"Yeah, of course." I have no fucking idea what that is. Sweat's building at the base of my neck. It hasn't even been a minute of conversation and I feel like dumping the ice cold glass of water over my face to cool me down. I'm also swearing profusely. Bad habits are coming back, just like him.
The chef herself serves us, placing the dishes in front of us. It's fancy soup and I thank the heavens because I don't think I would have been prepared to eat anything fancy. She shakes hands with Lee and they talk a bit and compliment each other before the chef leaves too. Then, it's just Lee and I, no distractions for at least another twenty minutes. Save me.
I place a spoonful of the delicious soup in my mouth, swallowing slowly to make it look like I'm eating so I'm unavailable for talking.
"Do you like it?"
That did not work.
I look up and Lee hasn't touched his bowl yet. His bright, blue eyes are just staring at me, waiting. Have his eyes always been that bright and deep? It makes me uneasy, sending my stomach into a frenzy.
"It's wonderful," I answer but I feel like I'm not even speaking English.
"Good," he replies, nodding. Then, he finally grabs a spoon and takes a spoonful of his own sip. We quietly eat for the next five minutes. I remember when conversation was like air for us. No prior planning or thought necessary.
"So," I say, wiping at my mouth with the dinner cloth, "why did you call me here, Lee?"
I can't believe I said that. But I did.
Lee stops, his hand frozen between the path from his bowl of soup to his lips. His eyes are wide, caught off guard. He gently places the spoon back down into his soup and wipes his own mouth with a napkin. "What do you mean?" he says innocently, his voice soft but I feel like it could cut me.
"It's not like we have dinner every other week. We haven't seen each other in months. You just announced your engagement with Penelope. Why did you call me, Lee?" I say, leaning back and crossing my arms. I have no idea where I'm getting the fight to speak to him like this but I'm relieved I'm laying everything down on the table. A part of me wants him to say something romantic and that he's here to sweep me off my feet again. But I know that's not going to happen.
He fumbles for a second, lips moving to talk but he presses them tightly together. "I just...I just wanted to see you."
I almost roll my eyes. "Okay, Lee, but now tell me...What's the real reason why?" He can't see it but as I cross my arms, I'm pinching myself to stop from breaking out crying or something. "If you're going to marry her, you shouldn't be having dinner with me. Ruins the whole plan, doesn't it?"
"Ivory."
"Lee," I level.
"You know I had to do that."
"I know," I admit. "But what does that have to do with any of part of this dinner? You had to do what you had to. We already discussed this. Sure, I'm angry and hurt but I'll get over it." Saying it out loud brings tears to my eyes. I clench my teeth to blink them away but as I speak, my words break. "So...why? Why, Lee, would you bring me back here to see you and have my heart broken again?"
Lee blinks fast. He didn't expect me being brutally honest or asking him all the questions he'd hoped to probably avoid. "Ivory, I didn't—I didn't mean to cause you pain by bringing you out here. I just wanted to ask you a couple questions about something."
"Questions? What questions?"
"After you found out about my engagement to Penelope, which is hard to miss if you look anywhere, how did you feel? Angry?"
Why is he asking me this?
"Yes. Yes, I felt angry," I respond, my eyebrows raising. "I felt angry and hurt even though I knew it was because you had to. Why? Why are you asking me this?"
His eyes gleam and I don't know in which way, the curious way or in a sneaky way, but I don't like it. "Angry enough to rashly do anything?"
"What?" I uncross my arms, leaning in. I have no idea what he's trying to say. "Why are you asking me this?"
Lee looks down and away, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. "I...."
"Lee," I say sternly. "Lee. Look at me. Get straight to the point. What are you trying to get at? I can't understand anything you're trying to say."
He sighs again and it sounds so hopeless that I begin to seriously question why he asked to meet me tonight. He did say something about urgency. What could possibly be wrong? I didn't do anything. I didn't confront Penny or anything. Is that what he thinks?
"My team and I," Lee starts, looking me back in the eyes. Suddenly, I wish he'd just continue looking away. "We found something this morning. My publicist team is very quick and strong, catching articles and stories before the public ever finds out. They help destroy anything that could ever harm the public image of my company...or me. They found something today around five in the morning...."
My eyebrows close in together, the whole conversation making me tense. "Get on with it! What happened?"
Lee runs a hand through his hair. "It was an article about my past."
I'm really confused, looking around, trying to focus and find what this has to do with me. "What? So? Was it a bad article or something? How does this relate to why you called me here tonight?"
"That article," he continues, "talks about my father. His accident. My 'rebellious' teenage days in a band. It talks about Anne, Ivory. It talks about Mark and the affair he had with my then girlfriend and then it stirs up drama about us now."
"Yeah? I'm still lost."
Impatience flashes onto his face quickly. He sighs again but this time it sounds like he's given up trying to talk to me. "Ivory, the article talked about my drinking. It talked about how unstable I was. It talked about my father's death, in detail, things that were never released to the public. Things...I've only ever told...you."
I stare at him for a good amount of time. His hair, disheveled now after he's run his hand through it. His eyes, waiting. The wrinkles on his forehead from stress. The slightly stubble-covered jaw I love to kiss. I heard his words but I'm in a blank state. And then it clicks.
"Wait a minute," I say, backing away from the table. I gaze at him, clearing away everything about him that makes me fall into a trance. "Are you...are you accusing me of telling some stupid reporter things about you just because you announced your engagement yesterday? Are you accusing me of what I think you are?"
"Well, you were very heartbroken, I'd assume. I have caused you a great deal of suffering, not just from the engagement. And everyone makes bad decisions under the right, fragile pressures. How else would things I told you and only you at Sally's way back when we ran away for a day end up in the wrong hands? It was just us that day. I understand if you did break under so much stress. I'm not angry—"
"You're not angry?" I stand, throwing the dinner napkin at the table. "You're not angry? Breaking news, I am! It's not fair you're accusing me, and ME of all people, of such things! You think I just got up and decided to get back at you through such a petty way? Am I that low to you? Have you not been there the past year? Am I nothing?"
Lee's mouth opens and he blinks. Good. "Ivory—"
"No. I'm not done!"
He stands, reaching for me. "Calm down. I'm not accusing you. I'm just asking nicely that you don't continue sharing such information if you did do this and—"
"Are you listening to me? Don't tell me to calm down!" I'm shouting, backing away from his touch. "I didn't fucking do this! I never would. It could've been anyone near us at that diner! It could've been other people who know you! I didn't fucking do this, I swear!" He leans, softly touching my arm. "Don't fucking touch me!"
He jolts back, like I've slapped him. "Ivory, please."
"I loved you," I say, my voice wavering and lowering a notch in volume. "And you think I would go behind your back and attack you like this? Like the way you're attacking me right now? I can't even comprehend why you would think I would do this? It hurts you think of me as someone who wouldn't follow you to the pits of the earth if you just asked me to. Did you even love me?" I'm talking in past tense.
I'm saying things I don't mean and will regret. I'm shouting things to stab him and hurt him like his accusation hurt me. I'm clawing for anything to use against him. One minute ago, I could've kissed him. Now, I just want to run as far away as possible.
"Ivory, of course, I loved you!" Loved. "And I l—"
"Don't." I'm picking up my purse.
He grabs my hand as I do. "Will you fucking listen to me, Ivory? Do you think I would accuse you of something if I already didn't search the world for any other way this information could've gone out to some press? Do you think I didn't try every other option? I'm not going after you. I'm trying to protect myself and the company and my life! And even if it was you, I'm telling you, I'm not angry because I fixed it. I just wanted to know—"
I yank my hand out of his grip. There is no point shouting. He is not listening to a single thing I say. My voice is deathly quiet. "Even then, Lee, even after you searched the world, you should never have even considered me as someone who would ever betray you." Tears flow down my cheeks. There's no use holding them back. "If you asked me to jump off a bridge for you, I would have. And here you are, pushing me off the bridge yourself."
The hurt is evident in his eyes. I've got him. His shoulder slump as my tears run down my cheeks and his hand falls back to his side. "Ivory...."
"It doesn't matter to me if I did it or not. You obviously don't know me well enough or know how much I loved you if you're standing here in front of me now, thinking I could've done it," I whisper, looking at the dark red carpet. "I knew we were different. I knew the chance of us was unrealistic and our worlds were as far apart as the sun to Pluto. I knew the baby or Penelope or something trivial would've ended us. But I never could've guessed it would be you that caused the final line.
"I feel stupid for coming here. Dressed up and all dolled up just for you. To think what I expected to happen." I open my purse and pull out the only wads of bills I have. I throw them onto the table next to my unfinished meal that I probably didn't even pay a quarter of. My eyes refocus on Lee, who looks absolutely crumpled and hurt and angry and confused. [LISTEN TO THE EFFIN SONG]
"So," I say, "Fuck you, Lee. Fuck your accusations and your claims. Fuck whatever we could've ever been. I'm glad we're over. This is where I draw my line. After we broke up a couple months ago, it didn't feel like the end and now I understand why. Because, this is the end."
I pivot on my heel, walking back to where the staircase is. Last second, I turn around and almost wish I didn't when I see Lee with his reddening eyes and slow tears, and harsh grip on the table. He's staring at me and I see his eyes light up as if he thinks I'm coming back.
"Goodbye, Lee," I say, my voice as solid as anything ever has been in my life.
Everything blurs after that and I'm down the stairs, through the tables and people on the ground floor and suddenly I'm back out in the hot and crushing humid air of New York City. I'm rushing down the small cement steps and bumping into people. But one person catches me.
"Ivory, hey, Ivory? You okay?" I can't see who it is but I can tell it's Mark from his voice.
I step away from his grasp. "Mark, what are you doing here?"
"Uh, Lee asked me to come to dinner. He said there was something he had to talk to me about. Something about Anne," he says. He looks nervous. "What's up with you? Why are you crying? What's wrong?"
Lee's name and the talk of Anne snaps that last straw left in me.
I push him away. "Mark, stop!" I wipe away at my face. "I'm so done with you two! You two and your kind and your secrets and your lies and your complications! Yes, I know about Anne. She's here in New York. I saw her at the hospital. I know everything. But guess what, Mark? I don't care because I have had it up to here with the lies and secrets and accusations and I am just so tired and absolutely DONE with this bullshit and pain."
"Ivory, what's going on?" Mark asks, his face hurt and confused. It reminds me of Lee and I want to just crawl into a hole and die. "What did I do?"
"I'm just done, Mark! I'm done with you and Lee treating me like I'm not a person worth anything. I'm over you both hiding things and coming to me when things are bad and I'm just over this all. I'm fucking nineteen and my mother's in a god damn coma and college just started and I DON'T FUCKING NEED THIS," I say and people start looking over as they walk by and I must be shouting. "I just...I never want to see you or Lee again."
Then, I shove past him and walk down the street. He doesn't come after me so I let the tears fall. I almost call a cab but then I realize I had hastily thrown away all the money I had with me on that table in that stupid restaurant with stupid Lee. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to think. I just want to fucking forget all of this.
I decide to walk to a nearby subway station because I still have my Metro card but I get pushed into a crowded sidewalk and I don't have any clue where I am and I can't see because I can't stop crying. I just want my mother and her hand on my head, running over my hair and telling me it's all right. But I'm lost and I can't breathe and I don't want any of this.
It just feels like I've wasted all my life over him and Mark and the world I was never meant to be in. All because of my stupid mouth. I hate them and I hate myself more for somehow falling for all of this and making the mess that I'm in. I just want to scream and cry and the crowd carries me away to God knows where and I don't care.
I'm probably crying loudly but the city is louder and nobody hears me.
Nobody hears me.
This is my breaking point. Life was stressful enough with Mom and the bills that keep coming and my tuition and my brother being states away and now Candy being hours away and everything and everyone feeling so far away or so close it's suffocating. Lee was one of the best things during my dark time and now it feels like the night light that kept me from being afraid of the dark is suddenly ripped out of me and now it's just darkness.
Liquid black that just pools from the center of my heart, taking over my body and brain and me. I just want to let myself turn off my feelings and let something else control my actions. I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want my life. I want to be someone else. Anyone else.
I can't even touch upon the pain I feel. It feels like one thing on another just breaking inside of me. Everything colliding and I can't think or see or breathe.
Suddenly, I just collapse in the middle of the sidewalk, falling to my knees and crumpling there. People walk around me and a couple people ask if I'm okay before they too get tired of me and they walk away. I just want to stay here and get crushed and forgotten.
I feel myself reach for my phone but I can't really feel myself do anything and I'm numb and I'm somewhere else as I dial in some numbers and speak but I don't know what I'm saying. It's like I'm not even there. All I know is who I call. I should call Giselle but instead I find myself calling the person who's given me the small bits of happiness I've allowed myself the last two days.
Daniel.
seven thousand fucking words. 7,550 words.
i can't even remember the last time i've written so much in one sitting--HELL, for ONE cHAPTeR! can u tell how exciting this is by my random capitalization? anyways, LET THE STORM COMMENCE. i told u, it was going to be rough and harsh.
before all of u go start hating on ivory, which i see that u guys do often, let me explain and talk. everyone always goes after the main GIRL or any of the GIRL characters and portray Lee or any male character as this wonderful, perfect, angelic boy. i highly agree with Ivory here. it was wrong of Lee to accuse her of something she'd never do. she loved him so much and he kind of disregarded all of that by accusing her. and i know her reaction seems a bit overdramatic and big but i would be worse. fuck, i'd probably take the soup and dump it on him. imagine loving someone and they love u and suddenly bam, they never even trusted you? trust is so important. also, Ivory has so much shit going on. imagine no parents or family there for you. family is the backbone of your support system. and then her best friend is gone and giselle's not rlly that close with her yet. mark's fucking mark. lee's over. oh, and she's broke as fuck and alone in a new city! so yeah cut her slack, guys. her mental health is going downhill from here :)
its ok we got danny boy to the rescue
so, in other news: i got hit on the other day by someone who's definitely a lot older. well, definitely like in his twenties or something. i'm still a teenager buT I FUCKING PANICKED and i was aT WORK and i couldn't just IDK i gave him my number and do u see how fucking whack society is? yes it was partly my fault but WOMEN are forced to fucking cower in front of men and do things they dont want to and smile and do things INSTEAD OF SAYING NO. i felt uncomfortable saying no, and i shouldn't have!!! i should've told him to get fucking lost!!!! but i didn't. and now he's texting me LORD HELP "what's poppin'" he says. like BITCH WHAT where r u from the 80's???? and then he wrote me a story of how he likes me and sees me everyday and i responded with
"lol who is this"
IM A COLD BITCH bite me
everyone pray for me when i go into work next wednesday tho :-)
and who do u guys think leaked that info about Lee? could it have been Ivory? Penny? Mark? Lee's mom (gasp)? who? or maybe that sketch guy at Sally's (you'll need to go back to ch28)? who knows!!!??!?
and if i don't update till then HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, FELLOW AMERICANS! ♥
my fam and i were supposed to go to the cape but my parents r lazy af like me and forgot to rent out a house??? lol me. but yeah now we're just driving around and crashing wherever and somehow i'm more happy with that :) we might even just camp it out somewhere and watch fireworks. i love this holiday. it brings me so much joy from past years and every fourth of july is rad so I HOPE U GUYS HAVE IT GOOD TOO even if you dont celebrate or arent from america or somethinG HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have so many things i wanna do this summer: go to a cafe in boston on a rainy day and write, go to the beach with my ex (lol fun), go to the beach in general, go to Cape Cod, go on a road trip, concerts, bonfires, swim, BUT I AHVE FUCKING WORK AND AP HOMEWORK SO FUCK but ya know its chill
i'm losing it WHY DO I ALWAYS UPDATE 2 IN THE FUCKING MORNING JESUS i have to wake up at like the ass crack of dawn to go on a run lol pce i hate myself
HAVE A SWELL DAY I LOVE YOU ALL ♥
this author's note is longer than the damn chapter (eye roll at myself)