THE FIRST TIME I GOT BEAT UP, I PUNCHED BACK. It was so thrilling. I was in seventh grade, and someone stole my necklace from the locker room. The short guy threw a punch at me first. Before he could have touched my face, my knuckles collided with his nose. And that's when the whole kiddie football team broke loose, with half of them punching me and my friends getting their asses. In seventh grade, girls and boys used to play almost every sport together. Most of the people's blows were not painful, but a little scrawny boy pushed me into the lockers, and the world blacked out for me. Val cried so much that her notes were ruined, and she sat with me the entire day. The guy I punched also had to get stitches, and we both got detention. Dad was there at the time, and he was happy that I at least got to throw a punch.
The second time I was punched was because I kissed a boy, and he got confused. And yes, I asked for his consent. I will never forget my crush from freshman year. He was like a fucking silk museum with slick black hair and eyes so deep that I never wanted to get out of them. It was also my first party, and he was my very good friend. If you missed, he was a senior-year student. It was probably not the best decision of mine. When the time was right on the dance floor, I leaned into his ears, asking if I could kiss him. His breath fanned my neck, and, oh, before I blinked, we were kissing. It was a feverish kiss, with his hands on my waist and mine on his slender neck. But then he drew back, blinking in the dark, and as his fingers collided with my nose, he ended up breaking it. And I have been in a lot of fights. Normally, I enjoy it. The adrenaline rushing through my veins and the rush of living in the moment are better than any tequila I have drank to date.
But not today. There was no adrenaline, but a wash of pure fear. Being ganged up is not really a good fighting practice. As fight club rule number 4 states, "Only two guys to a fight." and number 5, "Only one fight at a time." I know I was violated. I get a text from Elliot saying that she needs pads, and our beautiful, cheap school has no pad dispenser, and even I forgot to bring one. I did not think it through about why she did not ask literally anyone else, but as a friend, I would rather rush to the store after the bell rings. We get 5 minutes of break after every lecture so students can shuffle to the lectures. I called Elliot, but she didn't pick up. Elliot and I share only a history lecture, so I have no idea where she is either. And.
And.
And?
What next, Avery? What happened after that?
I have no memories. Before I blink, my ears are filled with Val's voice. She is talking, not crying, which shocks me. Why would she be crying? When I stretch my eyelids, my left eye remains closed against a cotton gauge. I hear another voice, deep and gruff—someone touching my forehead. Then, after absolute silence, I hear a cry. A shivering hand holds mine, and a few drops of water fall on my palm, earning a wince out of me. The sound of the broken door tugs at my mind. I am in a hospital bed with a bright light shining on me.
"Is this heaven, Val?" I don't recognize my own voice. But damn, I will admit I love the change in my voice.
The amusement is gone the second I see her face. My beautiful, dear sister, whose eyes shine like honey in the sunlight, is now weighted by dark circles. Her hair is in a bun, but it is still all over the place. My sister's face has swelled up red, and the shoulder that held the stethoscope proudly is now hunched in grief. God, what the fuck even happened?
My lips begin to quiver. I gain my courage before I have any left. "Val? Val? I am okay. Please stop crying." My hands caress hers. "See, I am awake, now? I am fine. Should I stand up? Or maybe, sit?"
"God, Avery. I was so scared." She breaks down again, and it takes all my strength to not join her. "You were out for an entire day. You had broken a rib and three fingers. Your face was covered in blood; I thought you would die."
"Well, I am not dead, am I?"
"This is not something to joke about."
"Jeez, fine. How is mom?"
"She went back to town so she could complete the process faster. I did not tell her."
"Makes sense. But what happened with me?"
"What is the last thing you remember?"
I paused. "I went to the pharmacy, which is a few blocks away, and that is it, actually."
"Why did you go to the pharmacy?"
"To buy something for Elliot."
Val sighed. "God, that fucking bitch." Before Val could continue, a tall and extremely handsome man came in.
"Good afternoon, boy." That got a grin out of me. "How are you feeling?" If I were not in bed, I would definitely flirt with this man, who is twice my age. His hair was pulled back in a man bun, and the way he did not color his white hair made him more alluring.
"Parched, but everything aches." It makes Val get up instantly to fetch water.
"How much would you rate your pain on a scale of zero to ten?"
I try to move my neck, but a shot of pain washes over my body. "Nothing less than a nine." I lift my right hand and notice my ring finger and middle finger wrapped in a blue cast.
"Do you have memory loss?"
"Yeah."
Val inclines my bed and sits beside me with a glass of water. "You have a severe concussion; Mom will freak out."
"What is your last name, Avery?"
"Ramos."
"What year is it?"
"Twenty two."
"Hmm, how many quarters are there in men's lacrosse?"
"Four, man."
"I am a little sad to say that you might not be able to play for four months, Avery."
"Drop it easy on a man; don't do this to me."
"You have a broken rib, a deep gash on your eyebrows, very close to your eyes, and two broken fingers. It will take a while to get you back in shape."
"Does this guarantee that I will get a very cool scar?"
"Yes. Let me know if you experience any elevation in pain. Ms. Ramos, you can take the day off today."
"It is fine, Doctor." God, who the fuck actually turns down and off.
"I insist. You can stay with your brother; it will reduce the pressure on our nursing staff. Avery, you will be free to go this week."
—
BEING IN THE HOSPITAL COMES WITH ITS OWN SET OF EXPECTATIONS. The first one being the fact I do not have to put through the lectures; the second being watching Tom and Jerry all day long with my sister being around me for the entire day. For most of the time, I sleep in my room or look out the window that is adjacent to my bed. It has started to rain, and I cannot believe I missed getting drenched. My phone was completely smashed against the pavement, and I am so happy to get rid of it. I am one of those people who never deletes anything. In the world of data, I am a hoarder, lugging around all the past conversations and pictures of stray cats that I have collected since I got the phone. The con of the situation is only the fact that I have also lost the numbers of all my current connections, but nothing I can restore. The connections I made over vacations and trips are noted in my diary.
Val tells me that Noah found me in the middle of the sidewalk. I cringe from the memory of throwing a cake into his pool. After that party, we never talked much. We would go to the same parties, and he would offer to play pool sometimes, but that was it. Noah Santiago is doing this much for me. In all fairness, I am a little happy that I have people who have helped me. He came to visit me this morning. It was a little awkward, but we talked about what happened at school. None of our classes coincided except for English. When I asked him what happened, he told me that I was ambushed by Kate and her friends. They even got suspended. The principle did not want this to make it to the headlines; they even called my sister to not press charges, but she demanded that this go on their records, which the principle agreed with. Kamil testified in my favor that his friends were planning to do that. A lot of questions arise in my chest. I focus on Noah for the moment.
I ask Noah about Elliot, and she has not attended the lectures since this happened. Noah is a shy person who really does not talk to a lot of people, but he is popular because he is very good at chess. He leaves when the nurse says I need to sleep for a while, giving me a box of muffins from his family's bakery. I want to refuse them since I am mildly allergic to cashews, but seeing the look on his face, I accept it.
I doze into another dreamless sleep and wake up to see a yellow bouquet of lilies resting near the window. Does anyone really know that flowers must not be kept in direct sunlight? There was no one I could call. Neither could I get up. I braced myself against the bed, leaning towards the window with my non-broken fingers. Pain shot up my sides, but it has been bearable. Until I dropped the empty glass, which was kept by my side. The sound made my head ache.
Before I could have rung for someone, the door swung open, revealing a boy who looked like he had not slept for weeks.
"Yo buddy, could you pick this up for me, please?" I may seem lazy, but I cannot afford a messy room. It tickles a part of my brain, which makes me unreasonably angry. The hint of anger in my throaty voice caused him to frown. Oh Kamil.
He nodded before placing it back where it was. He looked thinner—less than he was before. His eyes sunken, darker hues painting him. I never noticed, but his larger hands have no place to be. He twiddles his thumb and looks everywhere except him. It has been two days since the incident, and the doctor promises I am recovering faster than most people. I laugh, which startles him. "Are you okay, Kamil?"
He opens his mouth and closes it again. The cycle repeats several times before I have to interrupt: "You know, I am not angry at you, right?"
"Really?" His voice is softer than I have ever heard. I have to ask him again before I understand it.
"I am. A little. Can you blame me? But, in retrospect, not that much. Did you not testify against your friends?"
"I did."
"Hmm, how did you know they did that?"
"They told me, and I recorded it."
"That's clever, Qureshi. Come sit. How is Elliot?"
He hesitated, taking a seat. "She, uh, she was involved." I raise my eyebrows. "Kate told her that they were just pulling a prank on you."
My voice comes out higher than I want it to. "Yeah? Breaking my ribs and putting an end to my chance of a scholarship to get into college? Maybe I should play a prank on them."
My blood runs to my head, and anger crawls up and shimmers on my lips. Maybe it was the effect of the medicines. I want to punch Kamil's face. I realize I have said it loudly when Kamil responds to it: "You can. It is my fault."
For a minute, I am silent, and I consider it. I imagine how it would feel to wrap my fingers around his slender neck. To squeeze it. His head falls back when my fist collides with his jaw, his dark eyes rolling back to his skull. It fuels my anger; I do not do anything. I imagine punching him in the eyes, with purple bruises on his face. It does not satisfy my anger. They smashed my head against the pavement, resulting in a huge cut over my eyebrows that required multiple stitches and a little extra time because it caught some infection. They had to remove a small patch of my skin.
"I hope you always feel this regret."
"I am sorry, Avery. I am-"
"Shut up."
"I am really sorry."
"Shut the fuck up!" I scream, and my voice stretches so much that it breaks. "Are you fucking stupid? Shut up! Do you think I care for your apologies? Will it heal my bones? My pain? I am scared at night that they will come back and kill me. What the fuck did I ever do to you and your friends? Do you think I have it easy? I do not give a flying fuck about you and your fucking regret." A sob breaks from my throat, but I continue. "Why so much anger on me? Why me? Do you feel happy now? Was it worth it to stand up for your friends? How did it fucking feel, Qureshi? Why did you have to pretend to be my friend?"
His expressions are painful, but I really do not care about his feelings at this moment. "I am sorry, Avery."
"Oh god, Kamil. I know. I know. But what am I supposed to do with it?"
"Do you want to know the full truth?"
"I think you owe me that much."
"Kate pushed me to do the project with you. Before you jump to any conclusions, please hear me once. I will never show my face to you again. When she heard that we were supposed to do the project together, she thought of it as the perfect opportunity to get back at you. I was hesitant, but I complied with her wish. I would ask Ms. Blatt to change the topic, and on the day of the presentation, I would give the presentation on the new topic. And since you would not know about the changes, your points would be deducted, and you would fail the class. And be kicked out of lacrosse or the computer science seminar. But over the course of days, it grew harder for me to do this. I did not want to do this to you; your words seeped into my head, saying that they only talk to me when they need me. I told them that I could not do this to you and that you were my friend. They made me choose and left them on read. When I went ahead to find you, I couldn't. You were even absent from history. I searched for you, but then Noah found you. Page called me and told me everything. She can rarely stomach violence. I had a feeling that they harmed you, so I started the recording from the beginning."
It took me a while to process everything. Why me?
Kamil understood what I was thinking: "Kate is plagued by envy. She always has. I think she started hating you even more when her boyfriend cheated on her with you."
"What?"
"Liam? Liam Miller? Did he not sleep with you when you were sixteen?"
"God, what the fuck?"
He looked troubled. "Well, Liam's friends told everyone that you slept with him, and that made Kate officially hate you."
"What was his friend's name?"
"Jesse and Syd."
"Yeah, I have slept with Jesse. Oh my god." My memory clicked, and everything did make sense. "I never slept with Liam; I knew he and Kate dated. I liked Jesse, like, a lot. And I was secretly going out with him. We slept together, and Jesse asked me not to tell anyone about this. Oh god. I literally broke up with him because he kept me as his dirty little secret. I remember everyone starting to hate me because they thought I was a slut. But I never thought they hated me because I slept with someone's boyfriend."
"And you are just better than Kate."
"That is a skill issue, man."
"I know. But the bottom line is that now they will not be eligible for any scholarships or good colleges."
"Serves them right. But why did you take my side?"
"Because you are my friend, Avery. I don't think I had a better friend than you."
A smile tugged on my lips. "Really? We have been only friends for a week."
"I am sorry, Avery. Please forgive me."
"I will think about it." His face lit up. "If you take me to the arcade."
"I will take you to the arcade, but you are paying, right?"
A laugh escaped my lips. Kamil's laugh was cut off by me throwing a pillow that rested by my side. I felt at peace.
"You are fucking stupid, Kamil."
"Not worse than you, for sure."
—fin
a.n/ definitely expect an epilogue and huge author's note (/trivia) from me. it will cover the unanswered questions, i promise.
thank you for staying with me for so long <3